changing visitation and primary custodial parent

[mommyto 2]

What is the name of your state? New Jersey
It is me again. I have a question that I just really need clarification about. I am primary custodial parent with my ex having joint. He has now written me a letter stating he wants to change the visitation schedules so that he gets the children more then 50% of the time. This is a letter that was a follow up to one my attorney sent regarding threatening behavoir towards me in front of the children. In his follow up letter he accussed me of child abuse, such as causing depression in my son, not feeding them balanced diets, ignoring them and only having them watch t.v., teaching them to lie etc, etc, etc... Without trting to defend my self at great length, these accusations are not true. Last year he took me to court claiming I was an acholic and drug pusher, those charges were not true and the judge threw them out. This year I am a child abuser. Our children are 9 and 6, I have never denied him visitation, have tried to be flexible and have always kept him informed of educational and medical decissions.
My question is, after 6 years of this vistiation schedules, with minor changes to holidays, can he just start making accusations and get custody and visitation changed?

 

[stealth2]

He can make any accusations he likes. He'll still have to prove them to have any shot at a change in custody.

 

[mommyto 2]

Thanks for the reply. I just don't know when or if he will stop. I then have to spend thousands in lawyer fees because he takes me to court. My lawyer has stated that he is the meanest ex she has ever come across. Does it ever get to the point that a judge will tell him to knock it off?

 

[LdiJ]

Thanks for the reply. I just don't know when or if he will stop. I then have to spend thousands in lawyer fees because he takes me to court. My lawyer has stated that he is the meanest ex she has ever come across. Does it ever get to the point that a judge will tell him to knock it off?

One way to help that happen is to ask the judge, every time, to order him to pay your legal fees. When the judge gets fed up enough about things, the judge will likely do that.
Once it starts hitting your ex in his wallet....he will be likely to back off.

 

[mommyto 2]

Thanks for the reply, I am going to discuss with my attorney on how to make him pay for the legal fees due to his ongoing attacks that go nowhere. He and his new wife just will not stop with the never ending accusations and attacks. The claims they make against me are unfounded and are down right lies. If he takes me to court, he has to prove them, I don't have to defend myself? Is this correct? From what I have read in other posts this seems to be what happens. Also, from what I have read, it is difficult to change visitation schedules and custody that has been long standing without significant proof, is this correct? Sorry for the redundant questions, I am just trying to feel a little bit more secure with what is happening.

 

[nicetryadmin]

Thanks for the reply, I am going to discuss with my attorney on how to make him pay for the legal fees due to his ongoing attacks that go nowhere.

I am surprised your attorney is not requesting your ex to pay your attorney fees.

He and his new wife just will not stop with the never ending accusations and attacks. The claims they make against me are unfounded and are down right lies. If he takes me to court, he has to prove them, I don't have to defend myself? Is this correct?

You HAVE to respond. You simply can not let him file a motion that contains accusations and NOT respond to it. But yes, he will have to prove them.

From what I have read in other posts this seems to be what happens. Also, from what I have read, it is difficult to change visitation schedules and custody that has been long standing without significant proof, is this correct? Sorry for the redundant questions, I am just trying to feel a little bit more secure with what is happening.

Changing custody without a significant change in circumstance(s) is difficult. Now getting additional parenting time is different.

What you should also explore is filing a civil suit against him for the false accusations he's made (knowingly lying in court filings is illegal).

 

[mommyto 2]

What he is now asking is that he has primary custody of the children and that they will live with him from Wednesday to Saturadya evening. He also wants all school mornings from 6:45 to 8:00. He also wants two weeks vacation and the holiday schedule. currently and for the past six years he has had Wednesday to Thursday mornings, Friday evenings to 5:00 Saturday. Last year he wanted holidays (first time he ever asked for a holiday schedule) and one was developed and agreed to by the court and myself. He also got school mornings on the record, which he already had but was not documented by the court. By the change he is asking for the children will then be spending more then 50% of the week with him. Mind you much of this time he will be working, and stepmother will be in charge. I work the same hours that my children are in school, with the exception of the morning when I have to be at work earlier. he is also asking that all decission making power when the children are with him be his. Just an additional note, prior to him getting remarried, he did not want any additional time. The new wife, who does not have any children, has stated that she would be a better mother then me. Could these changes be considered as additional visitation time?

 

[LdiJ]

What he is now asking is that he has primary custody of the children and that they will live with him from Wednesday to Saturadya evening. He also wants all school mornings from 6:45 to 8:00. He also wants two weeks vacation and the holiday schedule. currently and for the past six years he has had Wednesday to Thursday mornings, Friday evenings to 5:00 Saturday. Last year he wanted holidays (first time he ever asked for a holiday schedule) and one was developed and agreed to by the court and myself. He also got school mornings on the record, which he already had but was not documented by the court. By the change he is asking for the children will then be spending more then 50% of the week with him. Mind you much of this time he will be working, and stepmother will be in charge. I work the same hours that my children are in school, with the exception of the morning when I have to be at work earlier. he is also asking that all decission making power when the children are with him be his. Just an additional note, prior to him getting remarried, he did not want any additional time. The new wife, who does not have any children, has stated that she would be a better mother then me. Could these changes be considered as additional visitation time?

If you go by nights, then he wouldn't have the children more than you do. He would have them 3 nights a week and you would have them 4 nights a week. However, I do understand what you mean as he would have them all day Wednesday and all day Saturday...plus every morning before school.

Personally, I think that you should consider changing the whole thing around anyway. It would really be more fair to all parties, including the children, if you each had full weekends with them.

How about compromising? He gets them Wednesday at 6 PM (so that you can see them that day) until Friday at 6 PM one week, and then Wednesday at 6 PM until Sunday at 6 PM the next week. That way you would each have every other full weekend.

However, again, he has to prove any allegations that he makes against you.....and he can't change primary custody without proving a significant change in circumstance as well. So you don't have to agree to anything. However, this might be your opportunity to improve the current schedule.

 

[mommyto 2]

I really would have a hard time with my children being gone that long. The reason has to do with the history and the relationship he has developed with our daughter, which to say the least is not positive. When six years ago I suggested every other weekend, that was a no go because as he stated he could not care for them that long. That was fine, now he has a wife, and as he has stated she is a better mother then me because she is a teacher. Okay, fine, the fact that I have been in education for 19 years did not matter. Last year when he took me back to court and accussed me of excessive drinking and drug pushing,, he did not ask for more time then he already had, stating, he knows that I take good care of the children. This man is very mentally ill, this is another attempt to be nasty to me, and his new wife likes to help him in his cause. I truely know this man hates me more then he loves his children.

 

[mommyto 2]

One other little addition, today, after ex picked up children to take them to school, I got in my car. New wife was parked down my street watching me. This was at 6:40 in the morning, she really should have better things to do.

 

[Ohiogal]

I really would have a hard time with my children being gone that long. The reason has to do with the history and the relationship he has developed with our daughter, which to say the least is not positive. When six years ago I suggested every other weekend, that was a no go because as he stated he could not care for them that long. That was fine, now he has a wife, and as he has stated she is a better mother then me because she is a teacher. Okay, fine, the fact that I have been in education for 19 years did not matter. Last year when he took me back to court and accussed me of excessive drinking and drug pushing,, he did not ask for more time then he already had, stating, he knows that I take good care of the children. This man is very mentally ill, this is another attempt to be nasty to me, and his new wife likes to help him in his cause. I truely know this man hates me more then he loves his children.

But do you love your children more than you hate him. Your children have a right to that relationship. You speak of how it would be a hard time for YOU. Maybe if you were the bigger person and give a little in the best interest of your children, he would not be as nasty. Your children DESERVE both parents in their life. You don't seem to like him much either considering you bring up the fact that he is mentally ill (which in and of itself means squat legally).

 

[mommyto 2]

Without getting to long winded, I do love my children more then I hate my ex. I have done everything to include them in his life and involve him in decision making. I have told him of all appointments involving the children so that he could attend. I have let him have extra visitation time when he has requested. I on the other hand do not get that same in return. He has made doctor appointments and not told me about them until 5 minutes prior to the appointment, he has changed appointments I have made and not told me, only to have me showing up on the wrong day (and taking off time from work), he has signed the children up for activities at school without talking to me about them. This is one sided co-parenting and it makes life very difficult. Anything I do with the children has the potential for him to twist into a negative event and it has. Do I bring up the mental illness, yes, because only a person with severe mental illness, that has been diagnosed, would behave the way he does. Do I worry about my children being around him for extended times, you bet. When my children come home and tell me that he states the new wife is a better mother then me, when he tells my son he has many medical problems just like he does, when he will not take my daughter anywhere because men don't take their daughters places, that's a woman's job, when he calls me names infront of the children, yup, I do worry. I loose sleep, I worry so much. I have never taken him to court, never kept him from his visitation, and never have called him names or belittled him infront of the children, because I do love my children more then I hate him.