child custody question...

[stephgts]

What is the name of your state? Florida

My ex and I faught very badly in the beginning of my pregnancy. I was having horrible mood swings from the hormones and from just plain being scared of the whole situation (being a mom, all that). At one of my doctors visits I mentioned it to my doc and he put me on a low dose of Zoloft, which has helped immensly. But I can say, without a doubt, that my mood swings weren't entirely my fault as my ex was not very understanding or supportive in the beginning. He, in fact, wanted me to get an abortion in the VERY VERY beginning.

ANYWAY, now we are getting along wonderfully. Slowly we are working our way into discussing the problems that we have, we do this slowly because we're trying to avoid fighting again. Last night he admitted to me that when we were fighting in the beginning he was talking to lawyers and other people about getting full custody of our daughter when she is born. He said that he was intending to use the fact that I am on Zoloft to get her, because being on medication like that showed that I am possibly unstable.

I told him that that wasn't enough to take her from me and that, at best, he would have only gotten joint custody with maybe physical custody. He informed me that he has a friend who has full custody of his daughter, and got it because this mans ex "might" have a borderline problem. I think that maybe this man is not telling my ex all of the details.

I also pointed out to my ex that he drinks every night and that that would be in my favor and he said there was no way for me to prove it.

SO, not that I'm really worried about him trying to get her from me now (as I said, we're getting along really well), but I am smart enough to realize that sometimes situations change. So, can he take her from me on the basis that I'm on Zoloft? I do have a history of depression, but not severe depression and before I'd gotten pregnant I'd never had to take any kind of perscription for it. As far as I know, Zoloft is commonly used by pregnant women now.

Also, if the situation called for it, would it be illegal to hire a PI (or just do it myself) to gather information and photographs about his excesive drinking?? I have NO problem having joint custody with him. That's not what I'm asking. I think it's very important that he be in her life. All I'm trying to do is cover my own butt here. I don't want to lose my baby.

 

[tigger22472]

What is the name of your state? Florida

My ex and I faught very badly in the beginning of my pregnancy. I was having horrible mood swings from the hormones and from just plain being scared of the whole situation (being a mom, all that). At one of my doctors visits I mentioned it to my doc and he put me on a low dose of Zoloft, which has helped immensly. But I can say, without a doubt, that my mood swings weren't entirely my fault as my ex was not very understanding or supportive in the beginning. He, in fact, wanted me to get an abortion in the VERY VERY beginning.

ANYWAY, now we are getting along wonderfully. Slowly we are working our way into discussing the problems that we have, we do this slowly because we're trying to avoid fighting again. Last night he admitted to me that when we were fighting in the beginning he was talking to lawyers and other people about getting full custody of our daughter when she is born. He said that he was intending to use the fact that I am on Zoloft to get her, because being on medication like that showed that I am possibly unstable.

I told him that that wasn't enough to take her from me and that, at best, he would have only gotten joint custody with maybe physical custody. He informed me that he has a friend who has full custody of his daughter, and got it because this mans ex "might" have a borderline problem. I think that maybe this man is not telling my ex all of the details.

I also pointed out to my ex that he drinks every night and that that would be in my favor and he said there was no way for me to prove it.

SO, not that I'm really worried about him trying to get her from me now (as I said, we're getting along really well), but I am smart enough to realize that sometimes situations change. So, can he take her from me on the basis that I'm on Zoloft? I do have a history of depression, but not severe depression and before I'd gotten pregnant I'd never had to take any kind of perscription for it. As far as I know, Zoloft is commonly used by pregnant women now.

Also, if the situation called for it, would it be illegal to hire a PI (or just do it myself) to gather information and photographs about his excesive drinking?? I have NO problem having joint custody with him. That's not what I'm asking. I think it's very important that he be in her life. All I'm trying to do is cover my own butt here. I don't want to lose my baby.

There are several issues really here. Reality is that if either of these situations were to be pursued, HE would have a much easier time proving things against you than you against him. In order for you to get anywhere on his drinking you would have to show that he drinks AROUND the child and to the extent that the child was in danger. Just to hire a PI and get pictures of him drinking would mean little to nothing.

On the other hand there is documented proof of your ailment. In the realm of fitness, on the surface he would look to be the better parent. However, many things would be considered, such as how many bouts of depression and how severe they were, as well as other choices made by either of you. You may gain credence if you are the primary caregiver of the child but that could be dependent on the other things. Of course NOT taking the medication is not an option so if this were to ever come to a head then it's something that you would have to deal with and the best way to do that would be with an attorney who is proficient in these sorts of cases. In this day and age there are many whom are on these sorts of medications so it could come down to case specifics.

 

[stephgts]

Ok, when I was younger I had problems with going to school. I didn't feel comfortable around other people. This also made me depressed because, even though I didn't really want to be around people, I still missed having friends and things like that. That was primarily my depressive problem. However, I did graduate and I even attended night school my senior year to do so. I graduated with the year that I was supposed to.

My ex also had problems with attending school and with his grades. He graduated a year late. His main problems were dyslexia.

Since graduation I have, here and there, been going back and forth between college and work. I have almost attained my AA and plan to go for a teaching degree. My ex, on the other hand, has not had any motivation to attend college...I don't know if this matters or not. But he does have a full time job.

He has been arrested twice, once for street racing and the other for missing a court date. I have never been arrested.

My depression and mood swings during pregnany were mainly just me yelling a lot and being snappy with people. It was never severe to the point of bodily harm or anything like that.

More specifically, when I was younger I did go to therapy off and on for my social problems. I don't know if this would count against me or not...

So these are the specifics about what he could use against me in court...do any of these things seem relevent enough to be able to take my daughter from me?

 

[tigger22472]

Ok, when I was younger I had problems with going to school. I didn't feel comfortable around other people. This also made me depressed because, even though I didn't really want to be around people, I still missed having friends and things like that. That was primarily my depressive problem. However, I did graduate and I even attended night school my senior year to do so. I graduated with the year that I was supposed to.

My ex also had problems with attending school and with his grades. He graduated a year late. His main problems were dyslexia.

Since graduation I have, here and there, been going back and forth between college and work. I have almost attained my AA and plan to go for a teaching degree. My ex, on the other hand, has not had any motivation to attend college...I don't know if this matters or not. But he does have a full time job.

He has been arrested twice, once for street racing and the other for missing a court date. I have never been arrested.

My depression and mood swings during pregnany were mainly just me yelling a lot and being snappy with people. It was never severe to the point of bodily harm or anything like that.

More specifically, when I was younger I did go to therapy off and on for my social problems. I don't know if this would count against me or not...

So these are the specifics about what he could use against me in court...do any of these things seem relevent enough to be able to take my daughter from me?

I find it very odd that two seconds ago everything was going wonderful and now you refer to him as your ex.

His arrest record may depend on when that was. You medical history may or may not matter depending on if it's still an ONGOING issue, then it would be relevant. Neither of your high school experiences will like matter.

Other things that concern your use of medication that could be included is it's effect on you. If it makes you overly sleepy and could affect the care to the child.

However you are asking people to look at something that A) hasn't even happened yet and B) something that even if it IS filed for cannot necessarily be changed and is what it is. So then you are asking people to tell you what a judge would do and that's impossible.

 

[stephgts]

How is it odd that everything is going wonderfully between the two of us, and yet he is still my ex? We are and have always been (other then when we were fighting at the beginning of my pregnancy) great friends. Yes, he is my ex, but things between us are also going wonderfully in that we're not fighting anymore and we hang out quite often and talk nearly every day about friendly things other than our daughter and including our daughter.

I don't think that's odd...

Regarding the other things you have posted: I know it's hard for you guys to tell me what a judge would do or think in any situation, BUT I figure you have better knowledge then I do...so why not ask? I'm completely clueless about what would/could happen if this did come to a head. You have actually given me very valuable information as I didn't know that his drinking couldn't be made an issue unless I could prove that he was doing it around our baby. So, thanks for replying cause you really have helped me

 

[ceara19]

You need to stop worrying so much about things that don't even matter at this point. Other than the fact that it is pointless to "what if" the situation right now, it's not good for your mental health, especially if you are fighting off mood swings and depression as it is.

You should also ask your doctor to look put for any signs of postpartum depression AFTER the baby is born. Since you have had problems with depression in the past, you are more likely to suffer bouts of PPD and if you do, YOU probably won't recognize the problem on your own.

 

[LdiJ]

I would like to add something. I don't disagree with anything that has been said here...but I also think that its important to point out that its fairly uncommon for a judge to make custody decisions based solely on a parent's use of anti-depressants. Its the totality of the situation surrounding the use that matters. Someone being on meds is generally a sign that any problem that they have is under control.

 

[tigger22472]

I would like to add something. I don't disagree with anything that has been said here...but I also think that its important to point out that its fairly uncommon for a judge to make custody decisions based solely on a parent's use of anti-depressants. Its the totality of the situation surrounding the use that matters. Someone being on meds is generally a sign that any problem that they have is under control.

I agree with that, that is why I mentioned her history before and after the meds.

I also agree with Ceara that this 'what if' game is useless and unhealthy.