Child is being moved again.

[123pleasehelpme]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Alabama

Quick facts: Daughter born in Indiana, we were not married. Upon our separation (when daughter was 2) I never pursued any legal actions in court regarding visitation, we simply worked it out amongst ourselves. It has been fine, up until about 18-24 months ago. My daughter is 12 now. Mom moved from Indiana to TN a year ago (because she got a divorce) It worked great, because now they were closer to me in AL so it was easier for me to travel for visitation. Lived in one city (Knoxville) then mom met a man and moved to a different city (Nashville). Now 4 months later they have broken up, my daughter has moved back to Knoxville with her mom. Now I have learned that my daughter has not been in school for 6 consecutive days and they are planning to now move back to Indiana after the holidays. I would assume she will also not be attending school the rest of this week, because thats a hassle to enroll in a new city only to enroll in another one in a week or so. Grades have been falling this year as well.

I am well aware that I should have done something legal years ago, but there did not seem to be a need since we were getting along and sharing time as best we could. Now, I look like the Dad who didnt care probably, when in reality I did/do just not officially through the legal system. I have also learned that the past few months on numerous occassions my daughter was left home alone late at night babysitting her twin brothers while mom goes out on the town. Since her divorce 2 yrs ago, mom's life centers around whomever she dates. Obviously, I have no concrete evidence of this and probably a judge would say its fine to babysit because of her age.

I am wondering if truancy (will be 10 consecutive days on this coming Friday) is a reason that a judge may award temporary custody to me. I am so afraid she will fail school. I need to get her and start her with a tutor. For numerous reasons her quality of life would be better here and she would have stability. If I file and lose, she will certainly alienate me from my daughters life. If I win, I will be able to ensure my daughter has a better quality of life. What is the best course of action? Would I file in AL where I have lived for 4 yrs, TN where they have lived for 13 months, or IN where my daughter was born and where they intend to move back to shortly? Thoughts on how I should proceed?

 

[TheGeekess]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Alabama

Quick facts: Daughter born in Indiana, we were not married. Upon our separation (when daughter was 2) I never pursued any legal actions in court regarding visitation, we simply worked it out amongst ourselves. It has been fine, up until about 18-24 months ago. My daughter is 12 now. Mom moved from Indiana to TN a year ago (because she got a divorce) It worked great, because now they were closer to me in AL so it was easier for me to travel for visitation. Lived in one city (Knoxville) then mom met a man and moved to a different city (Nashville). Now 4 months later they have broken up, my daughter has moved back to Knoxville with her mom. Now I have learned that my daughter has not been in school for 6 consecutive days and they are planning to now move back to Indiana after the holidays. I would assume she will also not be attending school the rest of this week, because thats a hassle to enroll in a new city only to enroll in another one in a week or so. Grades have been falling this year as well.

I am well aware that I should have done something legal years ago, but there did not seem to be a need since we were getting along and sharing time as best we could. Now, I look like the Dad who didnt care probably, when in reality I did/do just not officially through the legal system. I have also learned that the past few months on numerous occassions my daughter was left home alone late at night babysitting her twin brothers while mom goes out on the town. Since her divorce 2 yrs ago, mom's life centers around whomever she dates. Obviously, I have no concrete evidence of this and probably a judge would say its fine to babysit because of her age.

I am wondering if truancy (will be 10 consecutive days on this coming Friday) is a reason that a judge may award temporary custody to me. I am so afraid she will fail school. I need to get her and start her with a tutor. For numerous reasons her quality of life would be better here and she would have stability. If I file and lose, she will certainly alienate me from my daughters life. If I win, I will be able to ensure my daughter has a better quality of life. What is the best course of action? Would I file in AL where I have lived for 4 yrs, TN where they have lived for 13 months, or IN where my daughter was born and where they intend to move back to shortly? Thoughts on how I should proceed?

You can't file in Alabama, you have to file in the state the child lives in. And if you're just now filing, you will not get custody.

 

[single317dad]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Alabama

Quick facts: Daughter born in Indiana, we were not married. Upon our separation (when daughter was 2) I never pursued any legal actions in court regarding visitation, we simply worked it out amongst ourselves. It has been fine, up until about 18-24 months ago. My daughter is 12 now. Mom moved from Indiana to TN a year ago (because she got a divorce) It worked great, because now they were closer to me in AL so it was easier for me to travel for visitation. Lived in one city (Knoxville) then mom met a man and moved to a different city (Nashville). Now 4 months later they have broken up, my daughter has moved back to Knoxville with her mom. Now I have learned that my daughter has not been in school for 6 consecutive days and they are planning to now move back to Indiana after the holidays. I would assume she will also not be attending school the rest of this week, because thats a hassle to enroll in a new city only to enroll in another one in a week or so. Grades have been falling this year as well.

I am well aware that I should have done something legal years ago, but there did not seem to be a need since we were getting along and sharing time as best we could. Now, I look like the Dad who didnt care probably, when in reality I did/do just not officially through the legal system. I have also learned that the past few months on numerous occassions my daughter was left home alone late at night babysitting her twin brothers while mom goes out on the town. Since her divorce 2 yrs ago, mom's life centers around whomever she dates. Obviously, I have no concrete evidence of this and probably a judge would say its fine to babysit because of her age.

I am wondering if truancy (will be 10 consecutive days on this coming Friday) is a reason that a judge may award temporary custody to me. I am so afraid she will fail school. I need to get her and start her with a tutor. For numerous reasons her quality of life would be better here and she would have stability. If I file and lose, she will certainly alienate me from my daughters life. If I win, I will be able to ensure my daughter has a better quality of life. What is the best course of action? Would I file in AL where I have lived for 4 yrs, TN where they have lived for 13 months, or IN where my daughter was born and where they intend to move back to shortly? Thoughts on how I should proceed?

I also don't foresee temporary custody in your near future. What you can do is start at square one building a case for primary custody. Establish paternity (if that's not already done; did you and Mom file an affidavit of paternity in Indiana when the child was born? Are you listed as the father on the child's birth certificate? Are there any court orders at all, including child support?)

Likely the proper procedure will be to wait and see if Mom and the child move to Indiana after Thanksgiving, then file there. Someone more knowledgeable may correct me on that.

The fact is it may be too late in your daughter's life to make a difference through custody actions. She's 12 now; after a few years of wrangling and arguing on court, she'll nearly be an adult by the time you could accomplish anything significant (if you ever could; taking a child away to another state when you've never had any court orders in place is a HUGE hill to climb). I recommend you offer to assist your daughter in any way you can, including online classes, tutoring, and summer programs which she could attend in your area during your parenting time after you get some court orders in place.

Good luck.

 

[123pleasehelpme]

I also don't foresee temporary custody in your near future. What you can do is start at square one building a case for primary custody. Establish paternity (if that's not already done; did you and Mom file an affidavit of paternity in Indiana when the child was born? Are you listed as the father on the child's birth certificate? Are there any court orders at all, including child support?)

Likely the proper procedure will be to wait and see if Mom and the child move to Indiana after Thanksgiving, then file there. Someone more knowledgeable may correct me on that.

The fact is it may be too late in your daughter's life to make a difference through custody actions. She's 12 now; after a few years of wrangling and arguing on court, she'll nearly be an adult by the time you could accomplish anything significant (if you ever could; taking a child away to another state when you've never had any court orders in place is a HUGE hill to climb). I recommend you offer to assist your daughter in any way you can, including online classes, tutoring, and summer programs which she could attend in your area during your parenting time after you get some court orders in place.

Good luck.

Thanks. Yes I am on the birth certificate and the establishment of paternity affidavit was also done when establishing child support after our separation, so that is done.
As for tutoring, helping with homework, Ive done that. The problem is that her mom does not view education as a high priority. When she was younger, she didnt need help because it was easy, now that she is older, she does and is now falling behind. Last summer my daughter was toying with the idea of moving in with me but ultimately could not leave her mom (can't blame her, thats a hard decision). At this point though, I know that she would not want to come because she is a little older now and the lack of supervision is fun for preteens. I see on social media that she has a different "boyfriend" every few weeks and it appears that she values herself by having someone who likes her (again, just like mom). Im not only worried about her grades, but the shift that occurred (when her mom divorced her stepdad) from stable home life to moving around a lot, I believe has done some damage. I think I could be a grandparent in a few years, or have a high school dropout if nothing is done.
I completely understand that I should have done this years ago. I just never knew, not having had to deal with coparenting before, I thought it was safe to work it out on our own. This is very upsetting, but I agree its not likely that I could ever win.

 

[Zigner]

Thanks. Yes I am on the birth certificate and the establishment of paternity affidavit was also done when establishing child support after our separation, so that is done.
As for tutoring, helping with homework, Ive done that. The problem is that her mom does not view education as a high priority. When she was younger, she didnt need help because it was easy, now that she is older, she does and is now falling behind. Last summer my daughter was toying with the idea of moving in with me but ultimately could not leave her mom (can't blame her, thats a hard decision). At this point though, I know that she would not want to come because she is a little older now and the lack of supervision is fun for preteens. I see on social media that she has a different "boyfriend" every few weeks and it appears that she values herself by having someone who likes her (again, just like mom). Im not only worried about her grades, but the shift that occurred (when her mom divorced her stepdad) from stable home life to moving around a lot, I believe has done some damage. I think I could be a grandparent in a few years, or have a high school dropout if nothing is done.
I completely understand that I should have done this years ago. I just never knew, not having had to deal with coparenting before, I thought it was safe to work it out on our own. This is very upsetting, but I agree its not likely that I could ever win.

Why in the WORLD would your daughter even be given the idea that she had a "choice" in the matter? Did you (plural) really put her in a position to choose between the two of you?

 

[123pleasehelpme]

Why in the WORLD would your daughter even be given the idea that she had a "choice" in the matter? Did you (plural) really put her in a position to choose between the two of you?

She had a good time, made some friends here, enjoyed attending church and being part of the youth group there, and then brought it up to me that she was interested in it. She told her mom, then her mom and I had some discussion, her mom said she could try it out (again, we didnt have anything legal) but when I typed up a paper and asked her to have it notarized, she said she had to have "my attorney look at it first". Then her mom said no (I assume), because one day it was "I want to try it out", then the next my daughter wouldnt return my calls or texts for a while, until I drove up to visit and assured her that I was not upset with her. I guess she was guilt tripped into staying away, I dont know. I guess she was told to choose? I dont know. I was just opening my home to her if she wanted it, on a more permanent basis.