CHILD VISITATION

[IWALANI]

I LIVE IN LOUISANA, AND MY DAUGHTERS FATHER WILL BE MOVING HERE SOON. I HAVE NO PROBLEM LETTING HIM SEE OUR DAUGHTER, BUT I WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT HE GETS AN APARTMENT BIG ENOUGH SO SHE WILL HAVE A ROOM, AND MAKE SURE SHE HAS A BED, ETC. OUR CHILD IS 3 AND HE HAS A SON THAT IS 6 MONTHS. IS IT REQUIRED FOR THEM TO HAVE SEPERATE ROOMS, AND HER TO HAVE HER OWN BED? ALSO, CAN I MAKE HIM TAKE HER TO DAYCARE WHILE HE HAS HER INSTEAD OF KEEPING HER AT HIS HOUSE ALL DAY? SHE LIKES TO GO, AND I DON'T WANT HER OUT FOR A WEEK AT A TIME. I HAVE TO PAY EVEN WHEN SHE IS NOT THERE.

 

[morning_angel]

FIRST OF ALL: DON'T SHOUT ON THE BOARDS!!

At 3 years old, I doubt that your daughter needs her own room, separate from a 6 month old baby, especially if the father is not going to have the 3 year old all the time. She should have someplace to sleep, separate from the father, but it sounds as though you are expecting him to set up house as though she lives with him full time. Not all NCP's are financially capable of doing that, especially once they part with their paycheck to child support.

No, you cannot make him take her to daycare....<b><i>make him take her to daycare?!?!?</b></i> come on!! When she is with him, that is HIS time with the child. He can choose what she does with him, and if he chooses to spend time with her rather than stick her in some daycare, that is certainly his option! If you're talking about a week at a time, why don't you talk to your daycare center about changing your payment plan. If you can tell them that she will definitely not be there certain weeks out of the month, there is no reason for them to charge you for those weeks. This is different than her missing a day here or there because of a cold. For that matter, if the father is available, why not have him keep her during the day if you need daycare and he's available. In some states he has that right anyway (parent's right to first refusal).

Having a little "over-controlling" problem, are we???

 

[concerned stepmom]

I certainly agree with the previous response. you should be happy that her father wants an active role in his daughter's life, not worried about if she will have her own room. i wish that is all i had to worry about with my husband's ex.
as far as daycare, if they aren't flexible, find someone who is. it is far more important for child to have lasting relationship with father. children at that age adapt well. also, IF (i don't know that he does) he pays for partial daycare, that should be considered and you should find someone who will be flexible.
i would love for my stepson to have his own room when he visits on weekends, but right now, he can't because his mom lied about income and gets over what she should in child support,along with my husband paying insurance and 1/2 of daycare expenses.
please, for your child's sake, get your priorities straight. as long as he takes care of her and provides for her needs, let the petty stuff go!

 

[Ambr]

the children aren't at an age where there own rooms would be required yet. it would be great if dad could afford her own room and little set up, but is it realistic? does he have the cash flow to be able to do it?

he could actually pull it off with a one bedroom apartment. making a pallet in the floor or a bed out of the couch for your daughter to sleep on. a fold away play pen for the baby to sleep in.

the fact that he has a 3 year old and a 6 month old and is making an honest effort to handle the visitations on his own shows that he is attempting to meet up to his responsibilities. give him a chance.

can i make a suggestion on the daycare?

our daycare is set up in the same manner. it is XX amount of dollars rather the child goes 1 day or 5 days. you pay every week to maintain her "slot" and if you don't, you lose it. there are just way to many kids and not enough licensed daycares, they can ask for just about anything. (although we are looking for someone to do private daycare out of our home).

you will have to pay it rather she attends or not. why not just mention to him that the daycare is available (if he would like to use it) and that the cost is paid. it may turn out that he will use the daycare sometimes.

we all have those little errands that we could run a little quicker if we weren't tugging along kids. not to mention a single guy with a baby and a 3 year old, he would probably adore the break a couple of times. a "mental break" if you want to call it that.

 

[Aug1901]

to morning_angel

I was reading the reply you wrote to this poor woman , that is simply asking for some friendly advice, and though I agree with what you wrote about the actual issues, I feel the way you responded was inappropriate. People do not come on here looking for someone to analyze them. It sounds like you have the control problem here, and maybe you should be a little more considerate that there is another human being behind these posts. If you can't say something nice, don't say it at all! You don't know the whole situation or the person behind the question.

 

[morning_angel]

Let me tell you something Lacie, When I met my husband, his son from their first marriage was 3 years old, he also had 2 daughters ages 4 and 7 from the same marriage. I have been dealing with an EX wife, and the court systems for 16 years now. I know a control problem when I see one. I also know 2 things. When there is a divorce, no matter how amicable it is, there is always the urge for each parent to feel as though they want more control over their children than they are allowed. I'm not a shrink, but I think that among many other things, it has to do with winning, being able to inflict your will over someone else. And kids are a passionate issue that can get people very worked up. Read the posts on here, they are mostly from emotionally charged individuals who are fighting, not only for their kids (or what they think is right for their kids) but for their own selves. They have been hurt through the divorce, and they are trying to make that emotional recovery. The other thing I know is that some of them never make that emotional recovery. Those are the EX's that are posting on here some 10, 12, or 14 years after the divorce that they can't make their EX do exactly what they want, when they want, how they want.

This woman is in the beginning of that period. Either she will get over it and realize that the person who she thought was of good enough character to have a child with will also do what they think is best for that child, in his own way, or she will spend the next 16-19 years battling with him over which socks the kid should have on when she comes home or whether or not he is to pay half of the $5 for the kid to go to the movies. In the grand scope of things, you have to let the little stuff go...as was told to me by someone on one of these boards when our situation was still "young" you have to pick and choose your battles wisely.

Now, on the other hand, <I>I actually answered this woman's questions: </I> No, the father can't be FORCED to take the child to day care during HIS visitation. No, he can't be MADE to give her her own room and her own bed during visits, just to give her an APPROPRIATE place to sleep. Money is always an issue. Once the NCP pays their child support, they often don't have the means to provide things for the child during the visitation that they would like. I also pointed out to her, as I told you, that she is trying to control things she cannot control. I didn't tell her that to hurt her feelings or make her feel badly, but rather to point out as a third party that she is going a little overboard here, and she needs to back off and re-evaluate the situation. After all, she didn't mention having support troubles, and the father WANTS to see his daughter, the other stuff is small pototoes once you get down to it...But, I didn't notice <i>you</i> answering her questions at all...did you help her in some way, rushing to her defense?

Bottom line, Lacie, I call 'em as I see 'em. I share my experience from years of dealing with this stuff, and I come here for help, just like everyone else. If you don't care for my posts, don't read them. They are clearly marked with my name. I am willing to help anyone I can through the difficulty of dealing with EX's and kids, and courts, and schools and lawyers, and I've been posting on this board and several others for several years now...I call a spade a spade, and I'm sure I won't stop doing that. I'm sure you can appreciate that.

Good Luck!

[Edited by morning_angel on 06-08-2001 at 06:38 AM]

 

[thestepmom]

here are a few facts for you also.
I live in CA. I have a 6 &1/2 year old stepdaughter. We have a huge house. She has her own room. A brand new bed. A large back yard to play in. We by the way are the NCP's.
Now her mother lives with her parents in a 3 bedroom apt. They lived in a 2 bedroom but were ordered into a 3 bedroom. Mother has her own room, Grandparents have their own room. However, the 2 kids ages 6 & 1/2 and 2 have to share a room, and a bed. A twin bed at that. They don't have anywhere to run or jump or play.
When we brought it up we were told and I quote. " Kids in Mexico have it a lot harder. You shouldn't be complianing."
Now, I know you don't have all of the facts in my situation, but I know of 3 other cases Extremly simalar to mine in my county. This isn't an uncomman thing. Where would you place that 6 & 1/2 year old? They have joint custody. We have child 49% of the time. My husband started paying child support before child was born. Has NEVER even been late. Mother lied about her income, and hides certain aspects of her income.
As far as a 3 year old and a 6 moth old. Thats a little different. At that age they don't care, unless are made to feel like they should care by adults in their lives. Don't mess with a relationship that could form by kids at that age sharing a bedroom.
Heres another bit of info. The courts are Highly unlikely to order dad to put child in day care when it is his time with the child. It doesn't make sence to me.