Clueless Mom

[sassymama86]

What is the name of your state? Wisconsin

I was with a man for almost 4 years, and we had a daughter together. We were never married. He left about 2 months ago, and I've been letting him see our 2-year-old daughter every weekend. He had been giving me $60 a week since there is no order for support yet, but has since gotten laid off and only gives me $20 or $40. I'm not complaining about that. My problem is that he is irresponsible and I don't trust him to take good care of our daughter. I found out that he has left at night after our daughter goes to sleep, and leaves his mom to take care of her. He moved in with his mom when he left. I have told him that if he wants to go out, just let me know and she can stay home that weekend. He compares leaving her there to having a babysitter. I agree. However, he only has her overnight one night a week. She is having a hard time with us splitting it up as it is, and he told me that she had woken up one night after he left and his mom had a hard time getting her back to sleep. What should I be doing? We don't have court for another month, and that's for child support. We have to get a custody hearing after that. He's being completely selfish and stubborn, and we can't come to an agreement on anything because he is refusing to budge on some points. I feel completely lost. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[majomom1]

What is the name of your state? Wisconsin

I was with a man for almost 4 years, and we had a daughter together. We were never married. He left about 2 months ago, and I've been letting him see our 2-year-old daughter every weekend. He had been giving me $60 a week since there is no order for support yet, but has since gotten laid off and only gives me $20 or $40. I'm not complaining about that. My problem is that he is irresponsible and I don't trust him to take good care of our daughter. I found out that he has left at night after our daughter goes to sleep, and leaves his mom to take care of her. He moved in with his mom when he left. I have told him that if he wants to go out, just let me know and she can stay home that weekend. He compares leaving her there to having a babysitter. I agree. However, he only has her overnight one night a week. She is having a hard time with us splitting it up as it is, and he told me that she had woken up one night after he left and his mom had a hard time getting her back to sleep. What should I be doing? We don't have court for another month, and that's for child support. We have to get a custody hearing after that. He's being completely selfish and stubborn, and we can't come to an agreement on anything because he is refusing to budge on some points. I feel completely lost. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

There really is nothing you can do. The custody issue should follow right behind the child support and he will probably get more overnights. Leaving her, after she goes to sleep, with his mother is perfectly acceptable (he could be like some and leave before she goes to sleep)... The fact that he told you she woke up, once, is a sign of a good dad, he didn't have to tell you anything, but he did.

He is refusing to budge? Sorry, if these are the only 'points' you have, YOU will need to change. You cannot control him or tell him what to do, or how to do it during his time.

 

[skywalker35]

What is the name of your state? Wisconsin

I was with a man for almost 4 years, and we had a daughter together. We were never married. He left about 2 months ago, and I've been letting him see our 2-year-old daughter every weekend. He had been giving me $60 a week since there is no order for support yet, but has since gotten laid off and only gives me $20 or $40. I'm not complaining about that. My problem is that he is irresponsible and I don't trust him to take good care of our daughter. I found out that he has left at night after our daughter goes to sleep, and leaves his mom to take care of her. He moved in with his mom when he left. I have told him that if he wants to go out, just let me know and she can stay home that weekend. He compares leaving her there to having a babysitter. I agree. However, he only has her overnight one night a week. She is having a hard time with us splitting it up as it is, and he told me that she had woken up one night after he left and his mom had a hard time getting her back to sleep. What should I be doing? We don't have court for another month, and that's for child support. We have to get a custody hearing after that. He's being completely selfish and stubborn, and we can't come to an agreement on anything because he is refusing to budge on some points. I feel completely lost. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

If she is sleeping then what is the big deal? If you are separated then you shouldn't have a say in what he does with his time with your daughter. I am saying this in the nicest way possible...I am new around here...but read around you will get it. If you are going to act this way now, you are in for a bumpy ride. If she is well taken care of....then you need to just relax. If you raise a big stink and make this an issue, your child WILL pick up on that, and it will be worse for her.

 

[stealth2]

And what do you do for care when you go out? Or what do you plan to do (I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you may not have gone out in the past two months)?

 

[profmum]

What is the name of your state? Wisconsin

I was with a man for almost 4 years, and we had a daughter together. We were never married. He left about 2 months ago, and I've been letting him see our 2-year-old daughter every weekend. He had been giving me $60 a week since there is no order for support yet, but has since gotten laid off and only gives me $20 or $40. I'm not complaining about that.

ok
My problem is that he is irresponsible and I don't trust him to take good care of our daughter. I found out that he has left at night after our daughter goes to sleep, and leaves his mom to take care of her. He moved in with his mom when he left.
the child is sleeping, grandma is taking care of her when Dad wants a night out.. why is that irresponsible?


I have told him that if he wants to go out, just let me know and she can stay home that weekend.
but he is going out after the child is in bed? so he has "awake" parenting time with her
He compares leaving her there to having a babysitter. I agree. However, he only has her overnight one night a week. She is having a hard time with us splitting it up as it is, and he told me that she had woken up one night after he left and his mom had a hard time getting her back to sleep.
so??...kids do have a tough time when parents split up, reality of divorce and/or "splitting up"

What should I be doing? We don't have court for another month, and that's for child support. We have to get a custody hearing after that. He's being completely selfish and stubborn, and we can't come to an agreement on anything because he is refusing to budge on some points. I feel completely lost. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Nothing you have said here suggets anything remotely inappropriate..the child is taken care of and he is out when she is asleep.. kids having transition issues is part of what happens when parents separate..unless it gets to a point where it is very detrimental (I am talking serious regression issues here for example), there is nothing you can do about that, except to encourage your daugther to spend time with Dad. Most likely with a custody hearing, he will get more overnights.

Of course you folks wont agree.. welcome to the world of x's!.. dont feel lost, stay calm, take the high road and do not get into a battle of the wills with him, try and work things out the best way you can. If he is difficult now, it will be a pattern that will most likely continue, so time to figure out a way as early as you can to deal with it. And you are not alone, many of us on this forum are in similar and worse situations and we all manage to survive it Check out some posts by CJane or Ginny.. these women are inspirational!