Continuum of care for son with high functioning autism

[Fretbored]

I am in N. C. and have joint custody of my two sons and I am the custodial parent. The ex-husband who lives an hour away has "convinced" my 17 year old son who has Asperger's Syndrome, that he'd be better off living with him and going to another school. My son has struggled in high school due to his disability and neither him nor his father will acknowledge that my son's disability is the reason he's struggled with socialization and understanding the intentions of others, It's the school's fault or someone else's fault. His father has not been supportive regarding the 2015 diagnosis of my son and he has never been involved in any way, shape, or form regarding or even acknowledging to me that my son has a disability. Since my son is adamant about moving, what can I do to ensure that his father continues to take my son to the psychiatrist as directed, take him for therapy, make sure he takes and has his meds filled, ensures the 504 plan is being followed, and ensure he understands the behaviors and how to handle a child with autism rather than his usual domineering, narcissistic ways? He has been both verbally and emotionally abusive to my son in the past and I fear my son will have no emotional support while living with his father. HIs father may tell he will continue to take my son for his medical care but based on his past history, I don't quite believe If I fight to keep my son here, my son will resent me and both he and his father will make life miserable for everyone including my other son . Is there some kind of binding agreement I can have him sign? What if he doesn't sign it? Do I need to modify the custody agreement to include that issue, visitation issue with my younger son who will remain here with me, and put provisions in place in the event this move does not work out? I didn't want to stir the pot but I don't want to mess up either. Any suggestions? Thanks

 

[not2cleverRed]

I'd say fight change of custody. Tell him to wait it out until he is 18, when he is a legal adult.

Running away from problems doesn't make the problems go away, especially if socialization problems.

 

[LdiJ]

I am in N. C. and have joint custody of my two sons and I am the custodial parent. The ex-husband who lives an hour away has "convinced" my 17 year old son who has Asperger's Syndrome, that he'd be better off living with him and going to another school. My son has struggled in high school due to his disability and neither him nor his father will acknowledge that my son's disability is the reason he's struggled with socialization and understanding the intentions of others, It's the school's fault or someone else's fault. His father has not been supportive regarding the 2015 diagnosis of my son and he has never been involved in any way, shape, or form regarding or even acknowledging to me that my son has a disability. Since my son is adamant about moving, what can I do to ensure that his father continues to take my son to the psychiatrist as directed, take him for therapy, make sure he takes and has his meds filled, ensures the 504 plan is being followed, and ensure he understands the behaviors and how to handle a child with autism rather than his usual domineering, narcissistic ways? He has been both verbally and emotionally abusive to my son in the past and I fear my son will have no emotional support while living with his father. HIs father may tell he will continue to take my son for his medical care but based on his past history, I don't quite believe If I fight to keep my son here, my son will resent me and both he and his father will make life miserable for everyone including my other son . Is there some kind of binding agreement I can have him sign? What if he doesn't sign it? Do I need to modify the custody agreement to include that issue, visitation issue with my younger son who will remain here with me, and put provisions in place in the event this move does not work out? I didn't want to stir the pot but I don't want to mess up either. Any suggestions? Thanks

About the only thing you can do is to have the court orders modified to include those things, but honestly, it will be difficult to do anything to enforce the orders, so you will have to hope that dad believes that he has to honor them. You should also say that the move will not happen until the orders are modified so that dad will have an incentive to agree with everything so that you can simply submit a stipulated agreement to the judge for signature.

Realistically though, your son is going to turn 18 in less than a year, and you will not have any control over him then unless you can convince a judge that he will need a legal guardian as an adult.

 

[commentator]

Honestly, I understand that you are conflicted and worried, and not ready to "stir the pot." However, in my experience, this may not take long. Let your son know that he is welcome to come back to you any time, and let his father know that you are ready, willing and able to take your son back in. Ask him to comply with the things you've asked him to, let your son know he's going with your blessing, and see what happens. The thing is, this may not work out at all in the rosy way your son's father has pictured it to his son, and your son may be more ready to come home a lot more quickly than you'd imagine with minimal harm done to him emotionally or educationally. Rather than fighting it out with forcing a lot of empty promises from your ex and getting a lot upset, which your ex is enjoying every minute of, I suggest that you give it up easily, with the caveat that you will be more than happy to take him back if it doesn't work out. Hint, it won't.

 

[Fretbored]

Thank you for you response and as hard as it is, I'm may

I'd say fight change of custody. Tell him to wait it out until he is 18, when he is a legal adult.

Running away from problems doesn't make the problems go away, especially if socialization problems.

I'd say fight change of custody. Tell him to wait it out until he is 18, when he is a legal adult.

Running away from problems doesn't make the problems go away, especially if socialization problems.

About the only thing you can do is to have the court orders modified to include those things, but honestly, it will be difficult to do anything to enforce the orders, so you will have to hope that dad believes that he has to honor them. You should also say that the move will not happen until the orders are modified so that dad will have an incentive to agree with everything so that you can simply submit a stipulated agreement to the judge for signature.

Realistically though, your son is going to turn 18 in less than a year, and you will not have any control over him then unless you can convince a judge that he will need a legal guardian as an adult.

I'd say fight change of custody. Tell him to wait it out until he is 18, when he is a legal adult.

Running away from problems doesn't make the problems go away, especially if socialization problems.

One of my most used sayings...he's got to learn to deal with his problems indeed. Thanks
simply make in writing all of the expectations of providing my son cmontinued care by taking him to therapy, psychiatrist for med follow up, 504 meetings, meetings with Voc. Rehab, doctor, dentist, med refills...give him a good taste of what he's in for in the event of my son moving in. That list of responsibilities alone should make most noncustodial parents shudder but he'll just think it's a piece of cake until it all hits the fan. And it may be sooner than later that my son will realize whether he made the right move or not. He has my blessing either way.Thanks again for your advice.

 

[Fretbored]

About the only thing you can do is to have the court orders modified to include those things, but honestly, it will be difficult to do anything to enforce the orders, so you will have to hope that dad believes that he has to honor them. You should also say that the move will not happen until the orders are modified so that dad will have an incentive to agree with everything so that you can simply submit a stipulated agreement to the judge for signature.

Realistically though, your son is going to turn 18 in less than a year, and you will not have any control over him then unless you can convince a judge that he will need a legal guardian as an adult.

 

[Fretbored]

Thanks for your response. I agree, it would be difficult to enforce without my having to keep up with and follow up with his providers to see if he went to the appointments. That would be a shame to have to do that because of stubborness on the ex's part.
Yes, chronologically my son will be 18 in a year; however, developmentally, he has the maturity level of a 13 year old and that's what worries me. He lacks sound decision making skills. I'm going to research stipulated agreements as you suggested. Thanks again.

 

[Fretbored]

Honestly, I understand that you are conflicted and worried, and not ready to "stir the pot." However, in my experience, this may not take long. Let your son know that he is welcome to come back to you any time, and let his father know that you are ready, willing and able to take your son back in. Ask him to comply with the things you've asked him to, let your son know he's going with your blessing, and see what happens. The thing is, this may not work out at all in the rosy way your son's father has pictured it to his son, and your son may be more ready to come home a lot more quickly than you'd imagine with minimal harm done to him emotionally or educationally. Rather than fighting it out with forcing a lot of empty promises from your ex and getting a lot upset, which your ex is enjoying every minute of, I suggest that you give it up easily, with the caveat that you will be more than happy to take him back if it doesn't work out. Hint, it won't.

 

[Fretbored]

Thanks for your understanding. I'll pray that if my son goes through with this that he will be successful. If not, I'll take him back in a heartbeat. You are so right in saying that my ex knows my weaknesses and thoroughly enjoys pushing my buttons. I want the ex to comply for the purposes of the care of my son but I also want him to see what it feels like to actually be involved and feel the exhaustion of raising a son with ADD and Asperger's. My son is only seeing and hearing what his father is offering him such as getting a license (which he isn't near ready for) and a vehicle to drive and all of the cool restaurants he can go to. Typical dream world my son likes to live in because he's unable to think out of the box. I wonder if my son will realize that his weekends with his dad which are usually full of passive entertainment such as movie theaters and eating out do not last all week. Reality hits and life goes on as usual Monday-Friday and a new school on top of that is going to be the reality check. No one at his new school will know his mom's an EC teacher and he won't have adult contacts within the new school former school to look after him like he does now. And I won't be able to go to his new school to smooth things out when he's having troubles like I can now. He will be on his own :-( Makes me sad. Thanks again