curfew non compliance

[lynnieland]

I am in PA and have been struggling with my 16 year old son. He completely ignores his 9pm weekday curfew, and has been regularly staying out all night on weekends, both nights. I feel like I've lost control... we've had the police at the house many times, reported him as missing, and they say all they could do if they found him is bring him home. He was in several 30 day, court ordered bootcamps as well as a 4month program military based, last year. As well as he did in these programs, the honeymoon's over. He's off probation, riding the thin line, failing 10th grade and I'm going nuts. I want to change the locks and call the police should he try to gain entry, but don't know if this is legal... we need help!

 

[Banned_Princess]

Not Legal advice.


I suggest you try to work this out with your son. 9PM is a ridiculous to set for your 16 year old. Obviously he is lashing out at his controlling parents. ease up.

If you want to keep this kid in your lives, and want him to do the best he is capable of doing, you need to be more progressive and proactive in your parenting. Yea, we all want our kids to deserve the freedom we give them, but there is a time, that you just need to show you love th kid more then you are mad by his acting out.

Sit down and be cool, try to come up with a plan together that you can work off of. Start the conversation with "so, 9PM too early huh? well, what do you suggest your curfew be, because I like to know that your safe, and satisfied before I lock the door till morning"

Then try to come to a time. (11pm might be too late at first, give him a goal.) and let him know, do it easy and he can get more time out, or, he can make it hard, and you will lock him out each night after the curfew time, and he cant get in till morning.

Effective parenting of teenagers includes communication and flexibility.

 

[lynnieland]

I appreciate what you're saying, but an important factor to this curfew is the fact that he's failing school right now... he comes home from school, gets a snack, does no homework and goes out until he feels like coming home. Limits like those must be set until he gets his schoolwork under control. I do not think 9pm is too early, as he's out from 3 until 9 or 10 or even 11 some nights. We have talked repeatedly about how capable he is, was a straight A student, etc. He said he plans on passing 10th grade. The bottom line is he's expected to respect our authority and he is not.

 

[Banned_Princess]

I appreciate what you're saying, but an important factor to this curfew is the fact that he's failing school right now... he comes home from school, gets a snack, does no homework and goes out until he feels like coming home. Limits like those must be set until he gets his schoolwork under control. I do not think 9pm is too early, as he's out from 3 until 9 or 10 or even 11 some nights. We have talked repeatedly about how capable he is, was a straight A student, etc. He said he plans on passing 10th grade. The bottom line is he's expected to respect our authority and he is not.

Quite a difficult situation.

You can demand respect because you are authorities until he is 18 then he doesn't have to "respect you" at all. He might die first.

Before it gets to be to late, maybe you want to start respecting that he is a teenager, and his life should not be decided at this point because of the actions of an angry kid. Angry at parents, angry at teachers, peers, siblings. The kind of anger that a kid might not ever recover from.

Tough love hasn't worked in the past, and I doubt it ever did anyone any good.

I don't know, thats just my opinion on teenagers. Its a very delicate time, the point where they choose life or death, and if you make life too uncomfortable, too hard, -out of his control- then he may choose death. sometimes the choice is just that easy, and kids don't know the magnitude of that choice until it is too late.

Try changing his schools, from regular to supervised. In my state it is called BOCIES.

Best wishes.

I yield to others opinions.

 

[stealth2]

9PM is a ridiculous to set for your 16 year old.

On a school night? Not hardly! Mine's 18 and I expect him home by 9pm unless he has a specific activity (i.e. chorus, music, etc.). That still leaves him time to finish his homework. Same with my 16yo. Sorry, but they're not going to be wandering around past 9pm on a school night.

Try changing his schools, from regular to supervised. In my state it is called BOCIES.

Actually, in your state it is called BOCES (no "I") - Boards of Cooperative Educational Services.

How many teens do you have, B_P?

 

[Banned_Princess]

On a school night? Not hardly! Mine's 18 and I expect him home by 9pm unless he has a specific activity (i.e. chorus, music, etc.). That still leaves him time to finish his homework. Same with my 16yo. Sorry, but they're not going to be wandering around past 9pm on a school night.




Actually, in your state it is called BOCES (no "I") - Boards of Cooperative Educational Services.

How many teens do you have, B_P?

right o. no I in BOCES. It has been 10 years.

I will have a teen girl, and I suspect she will be as bad as me -or worse- then I was. so I spend alot of time trying to figure out what to do at that point.



As a bad teenager, I am just throwing that solution out there, something that may, or may not have saved me.

All kids aren't as good as yours. And all parents arent as successful as you.

 

[stealth2]

Maybe because they assume their kids will be bad. Kids rise - or fall - the the expectation we have of them. And maybe parents wait until the kids are teens before deciding it's time to start thinking about it.

In any event, 9pm is not an unreasonable school night curfew.

 

[ErinGoBragh]

Is anyone aware of any program in PA similar to PINS (Persons in Need of Supervision)? It sounds as if some sort of court intervention is needed here until he's 18 and can legally get him out of the house.

Also, OP, has child been in counseling?

 

[Banned_Princess]

Maybe because they assume their kids will be bad. Kids rise - or fall - the the expectation we have of them. And maybe parents wait until the kids are teens before deciding it's time to start thinking about it.

In any event, 9pm is not an unreasonable school night curfew.

OOOOh man.. I don't need that. lol.

Ive heard of that (self fulfilling prophecy), but I doubt my parents thought I would be as bad as I was, so....

I prefer to be prepared for the worst, and pray for the best. Plus I have good insight to teenage rage and parental control that didn't work out.

I concede that alot of people don't find 9PM unreasonable, but it isn't working for this parent, and I only suggest the parent try a different approach.

 

[Isis1]

i'm at a loss as to why the child was ever let out again after the first time he broke the curfew?

last time i broke curfew, i wasn't let out again after a month, AND my curfew time was shortened.

 

[lynnieland]

Ok everyone... my original question was if you know if it's legal to change the locks when my child continually refuses to abide by his 9pm curfew? Thanks to those who do not think it's unreasonable to expect a teenager to be in at that time, given he has no job or activities after school! We have tried counseling ( court-ordered and through our own resouces). I turned in my then 14 yr old because he grafittied a neighbor's fence, trying to hold him accountable for his behavior. He had 6 months to stay out of trouble - he didn't , which then got him into juvenile court, which essentially has been my only backup. My husband can't and refuses to hold him down when we say he's grounded and he simply walks out the door! I have tried everything - stripped his room, taken away every privledge... he went out and got his own cell phone. I refuse to pay the bill but am shocked that a provider would give a 16 yr. old a phone. As I said, the courts have ordered various programs, which temporarily helped. Military bootcamp for 4 months saved his life -- he did extraordinarily well, achieved high honors and earned the highest rank while there. The honeymoon ended when he returned to his old friends. We can't afford to move and it kills me... I just want to remove him from the crowd he's with because that alone will save him. Any sound advice is truly appreciated.