Custody issues with out of state parent

[Heavensmom]

North Carolina
Hello, I would like to thank you in advance for your help and taking your time out to read this. I have a little girl that is 3, and I live in North Carolina. Her father is Air force, stationed in Wyoming. We have been divorced a little over a year and a half. My daughter starts Pre-K next year, and I have decided that having custody straightened out would be the best first move. Her father has no contact with her, doesn't call, or answer when she calls, hasn't seen her on his leave since may of 2008. She doesn't know her father, and I refuse to talk negitive about him in front of her, and always find myself covering for him in questions like why doesn't he love me, why won't he talk to me. I am going after primary custody, but don't want him to take her out of the state of North Carolina, but he will not agree to that. Even during our marriage, he had nothing to do with her. Wouldn't hold her, wouldn't do nothing but yell at her and threw a table at me when I was holding her. With all of this said and the laws and all, would I be able to get the primary custody with him not taking her out of state? Even though he is not willing to agree? For my daughters sake in wanting to see her dad (though she is giving up on him and won't talk about him at all to anyone who asks) I want her to be able to see her dad when he can make the time for her. He has family here, so its not like he would have to be in a hotel. Sorry it is so long, but again, thanks in advance. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[Zigner]

North Carolina
Hello, I would like to thank you in advance for your help and taking your time out to read this. I have a little girl that is 3, and I live in North Carolina. Her father is Air force, stationed in Wyoming. We have been divorced a little over a year and a half. My daughter starts Pre-K next year, and I have decided that having custody straightened out would be the best first move. Her father has no contact with her, doesn't call, or answer when she calls, hasn't seen her on his leave since may of 2008. She doesn't know her father, and I refuse to talk negitive about him in front of her, and always find myself covering for him in questions like why doesn't he love me, why won't he talk to me. I am going after primary custody, but don't want him to take her out of the state of North Carolina, but he will not agree to that. Even during our marriage, he had nothing to do with her. Wouldn't hold her, wouldn't do nothing but yell at her and threw a table at me when I was holding her. With all of this said and the laws and all, would I be able to get the primary custody with him not taking her out of state? Even though he is not willing to agree? For my daughters sake in wanting to see her dad (though she is giving up on him and won't talk about him at all to anyone who asks) I want her to be able to see her dad when he can make the time for her. He has family here, so its not like he would have to be in a hotel. Sorry it is so long, but again, thanks in advance. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

The father can, after a period of time, have visitation with HIS child at HIS home. He'll have to work towards that goal, but it's definitely his right.

 

[Heavensmom]

custody issues...

Thanks, I am willing to give him that right 100%. But it will be in the future after she gets to know him and builds the trust with him. I personally do not think it is right to send her out of state with her dad, whom she doesn't know and has no relationship whatsoever with him. Last time she even talked to him on the phone was over a year ago. I do understand what you are saying, and am more that willing when everything works out with their father daughter relationship, and his parenting. As of now, Iknow he would not take care of her health wise, and he said if she went there, when he went to the field (which is 6 days in field 3 days home, but still working on base) he would put her in an in home daycare for those 6 days, plus 2 days he works on base. I want her to feel comfortable with him before out of state happens. Im not wanting to keep her here for his visitation (but he chose to do that and not take her alone, because he didnt know what to do with her, or how to change her diaper or feed her at 2 years old) She can stay over night with him at his moms, or wherever he decides to stay. I hope you dont feel i am being rude, I just read it and it sounds like it, but by no means mean it as rude. I am trying to work with him, but keep my daughter in mind at the same time. She has health issues also, that he would have to know how to address, such as seizures, and abdominal migrains where when she gets stressed, she throws up and diahrea and weak and all, for over a week and causes weight loss, and has to be taken to her pediatrician, and tests and all. Also, they are checking her liver for other health issues. And I think this goes along with me not wanting her to go out of state with him not knowing what to do. Atleast until she is aware of her own illnesses and knows what to do for herself, to inform him of it. I will say, health issues plays a big part in it, under stressful situations for her. I really need advice, I am at a loss of knowing what to do. Am I over protective? Am I making the right choices by letting him have visitation in NC only? I have talked to a lawyer that told me to get full custody, and that I could easily get it because proof of abuse of me and endangering her, but I want her to make her own decisions when it comes to him. Thanks again, and I truely hope I am not coming off rude, not at all intended, just dont always know how to word stuff sometimes. Thanks and have a great Thanksgiving

 

[LdiJ]

Thanks, I am willing to give him that right 100%. But it will be in the future after she gets to know him and builds the trust with him. I personally do not think it is right to send her out of state with her dad, whom she doesn't know and has no relationship whatsoever with him. Last time she even talked to him on the phone was over a year ago. I do understand what you are saying, and am more that willing when everything works out with their father daughter relationship, and his parenting. As of now, Iknow he would not take care of her health wise, and he said if she went there, when he went to the field (which is 6 days in field 3 days home, but still working on base) he would put her in an in home daycare for those 6 days, plus 2 days he works on base. I want her to feel comfortable with him before out of state happens. Im not wanting to keep her here for his visitation (but he chose to do that and not take her alone, because he didnt know what to do with her, or how to change her diaper or feed her at 2 years old) She can stay over night with him at his moms, or wherever he decides to stay. I hope you dont feel i am being rude, I just read it and it sounds like it, but by no means mean it as rude. I am trying to work with him, but keep my daughter in mind at the same time. She has health issues also, that he would have to know how to address, such as seizures, and abdominal migrains where when she gets stressed, she throws up and diahrea and weak and all, for over a week and causes weight loss, and has to be taken to her pediatrician, and tests and all. Also, they are checking her liver for other health issues. And I think this goes along with me not wanting her to go out of state with him not knowing what to do. Atleast until she is aware of her own illnesses and knows what to do for herself, to inform him of it. I will say, health issues plays a big part in it, under stressful situations for her. I really need advice, I am at a loss of knowing what to do. Am I over protective? Am I making the right choices by letting him have visitation in NC only? I have talked to a lawyer that told me to get full custody, and that I could easily get it because proof of abuse of me and endangering her, but I want her to make her own decisions when it comes to him. Thanks again, and I truely hope I am not coming off rude, not at all intended, just dont always know how to word stuff sometimes. Thanks and have a great Thanksgiving

Are you saying that when he is on duty, that he has 6 days in the field, completely away, even overnight?...and the in home daycare would be 24 hours a day for 6 days?

If so, then obviously it would not be in her best interest at all to go out of state to visit with him (even once they get to know each other) when he is on duty. There is no sense in her spending six 24 hour days in a row with a babysitter.

If not, then please clarify what you meant by that.

 

[Heavensmom]

custody issues...

Thanks, yes, he actually gets on a bus from base and goes out of state to the field 6 days in a row, they are about to lower it to 4 days in a row, w/o coming home for those days. So when he goes to his new schedule she would be in someone else's home for child care for atleast 96 hours straight, then on the week days he is doing work on his base. Honestly, if he had a steady girlfriend, I would be so much more comfortable, after I met her, knowing she is in a stable environment. The way it works there, is when overnight childcare is needed for more than one day at a time, they change locations everynight to different home daycares. She wouldn't be in the same home daycare for two nights in a row. I know that I am able to get full custody of her with him having no visitation, but I do not believe it would be fair to hold my daughter back from that if she wanted to have that relationship with her father, thats why I am not going after that.

 

[LdiJ]

Thanks, yes, he actually gets on a bus from base and goes out of state to the field 6 days in a row, they are about to lower it to 4 days in a row, w/o coming home for those days. So when he goes to his new schedule she would be in someone else's home for child care for atleast 96 hours straight, then on the week days he is doing work on his base. Honestly, if he had a steady girlfriend, I would be so much more comfortable, after I met her, knowing she is in a stable environment. The way it works there, is when overnight childcare is needed for more than one day at a time, they change locations everynight to different home daycares. She wouldn't be in the same home daycare for two nights in a row. I know that I am able to get full custody of her with him having no visitation, but I do not believe it would be fair to hold my daughter back from that if she wanted to have that relationship with her father, thats why I am not going after that.

Even if he had a girlfriend, there really would be no point in her going out of state to visit him as long as he has that kind of schedule, even if it gets cut back to 4 days at a time. Its simply not in her best interest. It wouldn't matter if she were 15, rather than 3.

His visitation should be limited to his leaves or other specific periods of time when he would not be going out in the field like that. Hopefully that isn't something that they do all year long or the kind of duty he will be on permanently.

Of course, at least temporarily he needs to be visiting in your state since he is a stranger to the child at this point.

 

[Heavensmom]

custody issues...

Thanks, you were great help. He has had that schedule since 2007, and has atleast 3 more years in the military. Don't know if he will stay in. Thanks for your help.