Custody question

[Determinedpanda]

What is the name of your state?

Maryland

Question: Can the history of my husband’s parenting of his two kids from a previous marriage be used in a custody case of my husband and I’s young child if it shows a pattern?

Details: when the kids were 7/8, there was an investigation into one of them touching the other inappropriately in the bathtub, but was unsubstantiated.

A couple years later, the older one was suspended from after school program.

When the older one was 14, he was suspended from school for threatening a girl and it went to DJS.

When the kids were 15/16, the younger one told us that he was being sexually assaulted by the older one, CPS was involved, older son was removed from the home.

In addition to the above incidents that have clear proof, the older one would follow younger one into the bathroom when he was showering. Husband didn’t notice/think it was an issue. I told him it needed to stop and had to keep reminding him every time I saw the older one about to open the door.

Older one took baby monitor for the room that me and my young child shared. His reasoning was he was just curious.

Over the years, I told my husband that he really needed therapy, but he only had sporadic therapy over the years: about a year when 12 and then a few months after DJS recommended it. The case was closed. The therapist said that there was no need for therapy. I don’t think my husband ever informed the therapist of all the issues that were happening at home.

The most recent CPS case recommended my young child not to be left alone with my stepkid who was the victim. Husband left them alone less than 2 months after the recommendation and constantly leaves them alone where he can’t see or hear them.

Could all of this be used in a custody case showing a pattern of his failure to keep kids safe in is care and that it is not in my child’s best interest for him to have 50/50? Could this result in him not getting any overnights? My stance is that he knew the oldest had a lot of issues, warning signs that were ignored, and he wasn’t put into consistent therapy to address all of these issues. Although the oldest is out of the house now, will he see/notice warning signs involving my child in the future, especially not taking the CPS recommendation seriously.

Also, I already thought it was unsafe for the victim stepkid to be left alone with my young child since the stepkid is basically blind and has autism. Adding the assault adds another layer to the uncertainty of how they may react due to the trauma.

I don’t want to keep my child from my husband, I just want my child to be safe. There are a lot more (less serious) issues with my husbands parenting than what I listed here.

I am planning on talking to a lawyer already, just trying to get more information before going to see one.

 

[zddoodah]

Can the history of my husband’s parenting of his two kids from a previous marriage be used in a custody case of my husband and I’s young child if it shows a pattern?

In the abstract, if you have otherwise admissible evidence, then I can't see why it would be disallowed on relevancy grounds. Also, "I's" isn't a word ("my husband's and my child" is the correct way to say that).

Details

Worth noting that all of these details relate to your child's half-brother, not to your husband.

Could all of this be used in a custody case showing a pattern of his failure to keep kids safe in is care and that it is not in my child’s best interest for him to have 50/50?

Impossible to say. You've given us an abbreviated version of the story and did so in a light most favorable to you. I'm sure that, if your husband were here, he could present the same basic facts in a very different light. This is something to discuss with your divorce attorney.

 

[Determinedpanda]

Worth noting that all of these details relate to your child's half-brother, not to your husband.

Yes, the reports from government agencies supports that the stepson had consistent behavior issues that were not addressed (lack of therapy).

Impossible to say. You've given us an abbreviated version of the story and did so in a light most favorable to you. I'm sure that, if your husband were here, he could present the same basic facts in a very different light. This is something to discuss with your divorce attorney.

I’m not sure how any of this could be presented in a different light? Lying and saying it never happened? Saying he did everything he could? That he didn’t see the issues even when pointed out to him?

I never said that I was a perfect parent. I also didn’t ignore warning signs that something was wrong. I am not able to put the stepson in therapy myself since I am not the mother.

I provided an abbreviated version by providing mostly provable facts so “my side” was presented with as little bias as possible.

Husband also stopped autistic child’s ABA therapy after covid. When I brought that up just a few days ago, he said he did it simply because I asked “is he even getting anything out of it anymore.” I never told husband to stop the ABA therapy, and the child would have still benefited from it. There was no evaluation to see if the child still needed it or not.

 

[stealth2]

Just be aware that the court may ask you if you were aware of these issues when you decided to marry him and have children with him.

 

[AlmostThere]

What is the name of your state?

Maryland

Question: Can the history of my husband’s parenting of his two kids from a previous marriage be used in a custody case of my husband and I’s young child if it shows a pattern?


I don’t want to keep my child from my husband, I just want my child to be safe. There are a lot more (less serious) issues with my husbands parenting than what I listed here.

I am planning on talking to a lawyer already, just trying to get more information before going to see one.

Out of curiosity, do you feel your husband is keeping and will keep your children safe?

 

[Determinedpanda]

Just be aware that the court may ask you if you were aware of these issues when you decided to marry him and have children with him.

Thank you for mentioning that. The first CPS and suspended from after school care happened before we married. I did suggest therapy after the first CPS case, which happened around the time their mother left as well. He didn’t do therapy until after the after school incident, but that ended before Covid.

The rest was after my husband and I got married. Covid/birth of my child is when things got worse. He did not get therapy after places started to reopen until the DJS case and that didn’t last long.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state?

Maryland

Question: Can the history of my husband’s parenting of his two kids from a previous marriage be used in a custody case of my husband and I’s young child if it shows a pattern?

Details: when the kids were 7/8, there was an investigation into one of them touching the other inappropriately in the bathtub, but was unsubstantiated.

[/QUOTE]
An unsubstantiated investigation is generally not particularly meaningful

A couple years later, the older one was suspended from after school program.

[/QUOTE]

Not particularly meaningful

When the older one was 14, he was suspended from school for threatening a girl and it went to DJS.

[/QUOTE]

Possibly meaningful depending on the details of the matter.

When the kids were 15/16, the younger one told us that he was being sexually assaulted by the older one, CPS was involved, older son was removed from the home.

[/QUOTE]

This is potentially meaningful because it was taken seriously enough to remove him from the home. However, if he is still removed from the home, then it goes back to not being particularly meaningful.

In addition to the above incidents that have clear proof, the older one would follow younger one into the bathroom when he was showering. Husband didn’t notice/think it was an issue. I told him it needed to stop and had to keep reminding him every time I saw the older one about to open the door.

Older one took baby monitor for the room that me and my young child shared. His reasoning was he was just curious.

[/QUOTE]

Again, if he is still out of the home then it is not particularly meaningful

Over the years, I told my husband that he really needed therapy, but he only had sporadic therapy over the years: about a year when 12 and then a few months after DJS recommended it. The case was closed. The therapist said that there was no need for therapy. I don’t think my husband ever informed the therapist of all the issues that were happening at home.

The most recent CPS case recommended my young child not to be left alone with my stepkid who was the victim. Husband left them alone less than 2 months after the recommendation and constantly leaves them alone where he can’t see or hear them.

[/QUOTE]

The fact that he leaves them alone together when he was instructed not to do so is meaningful.

Could all of this be used in a custody case showing a pattern of his failure to keep kids safe in is care and that it is not in my child’s best interest for him to have 50/50? Could this result in him not getting any overnights? My stance is that he knew the oldest had a lot of issues, warning signs that were ignored, and he wasn’t put into consistent therapy to address all of these issues. Although the oldest is out of the house now, will he see/notice warning signs involving my child in the future, especially not taking the CPS recommendation seriously.

Also, I already thought it was unsafe for the victim stepkid to be left alone with my young child since the stepkid is basically blind and has autism. Adding the assault adds another layer to the uncertainty of how they may react due to the trauma.

I don’t want to keep my child from my husband, I just want my child to be safe. There are a lot more (less serious) issues with my husbands parenting than what I listed here.

I am planning on talking to a lawyer already, just trying to get more information before going to see one.

The only thing that you really have here (because it appears that the older child is still out of the home), is the fact that he is leaving the children alone together when he is not supposed to do so. A family court judge would probably give him at least one more chance to follow the rules before restricting his parenting time in any way. That assumes of course that he is truly leaving them alone together. Him being in another room but within earshot might not be considered leaving them alone together.

 

[Determinedpanda]

An unsubstantiated investigation is generally not particularly meaningful
Not particularly meaningful



Possibly meaningful depending on the details of the matter.



This is potentially meaningful because it was taken seriously enough to remove him from the home. However, if he is still removed from the home, then it goes back to not being particularly meaningful.



Again, if he is still out of the home then it is not particularly meaningful



The fact that he leaves them alone together when he was instructed not to do so is meaningful.


The only thing that you really have here (because it appears that the older child is still out of the home), is the fact that he is leaving the children alone together when he is not supposed to do so. A family court judge would probably give him at least one more chance to follow the rules before restricting his parenting time in any way. That assumes of course that he is truly leaving them alone together. Him being in another room but within earshot might not be considered leaving them alone together.

I agree that all of those documented incidents aren't meaningful on their own. But it shows the bigger picture - The older stepkid was showing concerning behaviors and nothing was done about it. The DJS case was threatening to rape a girl at school. Stepkid had a lot more concerning behavior at home over the same timeframe. Failure to provide therapy to a child who needed it could be seen as neglect, especially if it was continuous and not just a one time thing.

As for leaving the victim and the young child alone together, Husband has left them alone inside the house while he was outside where he could not see them or hear them. He even drove off one time, less than two months after the CPS recommendation, leaving them completely home alone. That was caught on our security cameras and you could clearly see that he was angry before he left. Unfortunately, that most likely cannot be used as evidence because he had the cameras set up to record audio as well, and this state requires all parties to be aware that they are being recorded for audio.

There is also a lot more to the full history of what has occurred that doesn't have any proof other than my account of what happened.

I was mainly asking if these reports could be presented in court in addition to my accounts of events that have happened to support my case that it isn't in my childs best interest to be with my husband 50/50, given that he hardly pays attention to any of the kids.

 

[LdiJ]

I agree that all of those documented incidents aren't meaningful on their own. But it shows the bigger picture - The older stepkid was showing concerning behaviors and nothing was done about it. The DJS case was threatening to rape a girl at school. Stepkid had a lot more concerning behavior at home over the same timeframe. Failure to provide therapy to a child who needed it could be seen as neglect, especially if it was continuous and not just a one time thing.

As for leaving the victim and the young child alone together, Husband has left them alone inside the house while he was outside where he could not see them or hear them. He even drove off one time, less than two months after the CPS recommendation, leaving them completely home alone. That was caught on our security cameras and you could clearly see that he was angry before he left. Unfortunately, that most likely cannot be used as evidence because he had the cameras set up to record audio as well, and this state requires all parties to be aware that they are being recorded for audio.

There is also a lot more to the full history of what has occurred that doesn't have any proof other than my account of what happened.

I was mainly asking if these reports could be presented in court in addition to my accounts of events that have happened to support my case that it isn't in my childs best interest to be with my husband 50/50, given that he hardly pays attention to any of the kids.

You do not understand what I am saying. The incidents could show a pattern to show that your child might not be safe in dad's home IF the older child was present. However, the older child is not. The older child has been removed from the home. Therefore, they are no longer relevant. Anything that doesn't have any proof is also not relevant. The thing that could be relevant is the fact that dad is not following CPS's recommendation not to leave the other children alone together. However, again, a family court judge is likely to give dad another chance to follow that recommendation, assuming that the judge agrees that the recommendation should be followed. Also, it is not just the audio that might give you a problem on that recording. You having access at all to recordings happening at dad's home is a serious problem if you are not living there.

 

[Determinedpanda]

You do not understand what I am saying. The incidents could show a pattern to show that your child might not be safe in dad's home IF the older child was present. However, the older child is not. The older child has been removed from the home. Therefore, they are no longer relevant. Anything that doesn't have any proof is also not relevant. The thing that could be relevant is the fact that dad is not following CPS's recommendation not to leave the other children alone together. However, again, a family court judge is likely to give dad another chance to follow that recommendation, assuming that the judge agrees that the recommendation should be followed. Also, it is not just the audio that might give you a problem on that recording. You having access at all to recordings happening at dad's home is a serious problem if you are not living there.

I understand what you are saying. I don't think you understand what I am saying. His parental fitness and is an issue. These past documented incidents with a previous child supports this.

My state's page on "best interests of the child" includes these factors for custody:

• Fitness
• Character and Reputation

Seeing signs of behavioral problems in children residing with him and him not doing anything about it can be viewed as neglect or lack of concern. If a parent's inaction puts one child at risk, it raises concerns about the parents ability to protect any child in their custody.


As for the video, there is no serious problem as we still currently live together and he specifically gave me access to the app to monitor the cameras.

 

[AlmostThere]

I understand what you are saying. I don't think you understand what I am saying. His parental fitness and is an issue. These past documented incidents with a previous child supports this.

My state's page on "best interests of the child" includes these factors for custody:

• Fitness
• Character and Reputation

Seeing signs of behavioral problems in children residing with him and him not doing anything about it can be viewed as neglect or lack of concern. If a parent's inaction puts one child at risk, it raises concerns about the parents ability to protect any child in their custody.


As for the video, there is no serious problem as we still currently live together and he specifically gave me access to the app to monitor the cameras.

The problem I see is that by choosing him as a parent and allowing him to care for your child, you have already given him your stamp of approval.

Coming back now and saying he is not a safe parent can put the judge in a position to choose between the following thoughts;
1) You are not concerned about his parenting, but rather looking to use this as an opportunity to limit his parenting time and access.
2) You know that he makes bad parenting decisions that endanger your children, but you have allowed him to parent the children, meaning YOU have also put the children in danger, and they belong with neither parent.

 

[Determinedpanda]

The problem I see is that by choosing him as a parent and allowing him to care for your child, you have already given him your stamp of approval.

Coming back now and saying he is not a safe parent can put the judge in a position to choose between the following thoughts;
1) You are not concerned about his parenting, but rather looking to use this as an opportunity to limit his parenting time and access.
2) You know that he makes bad parenting decisions that endanger your children, but you have allowed him to parent the children, meaning YOU have also put the children in danger, and they belong with neither parent.

I was dumb to believe that he was just a tired, stressed, overworked single parent when we met and that with help, he would do better. Most of the more troubling issues started after we were married and I was pregnant. After that, I stayed because I was afraid that he would get 50/50 and I wouldn’t be able to protect my young child while with him.

Since my child was born, I rarely left our child alone with him. I advocated for his kids over the years. I have never been away from our child for more than 6 hours straight, and most of those times our child was with my family, not him.

 

[LdiJ]

I understand what you are saying. I don't think you understand what I am saying. His parental fitness and is an issue. These past documented incidents with a previous child supports this.

My state's page on "best interests of the child" includes these factors for custody:

• Fitness
• Character and Reputation

Seeing signs of behavioral problems in children residing with him and him not doing anything about it can be viewed as neglect or lack of concern. If a parent's inaction puts one child at risk, it raises concerns about the parents ability to protect any child in their custody.


As for the video, there is no serious problem as we still currently live together and he specifically gave me access to the app to monitor the cameras.

Fitness in general probably doesn't mean quite what you think it means. Character and Reputation may be included in the best interest factors but they are way down at the bottom of the list in importance.

An unfit parent is someone who beats or otherwise abuses their children. An unfit parent is someone that neglects a child to the point where the child is unsafe. An unfit parent is themselves not safe for the child to be around. As I said before, the only potential safety issue that you have is the fact that dad has not done as good of a job as you like making sure that the children are not alone together. The only reason why that is a potential safety issue is because an assumption is being made that the victim of the older child might act out due to the previous abuse by the older child. That particular issue also becomes less meaningful because you are still living in the same home as dad therefore you are equally responsible to see that the children are not left alone together. The fact that you leave dad in charge of the children at all indicates that you think that dad is a responsible parent. Otherwise, you should never leave them alone with dad either.

You really need to have a sit down consult with a local family law attorney.

 

[zddoodah]

I’m not sure how any of this could be presented in a different light?

This doesn't surprise me. People are often able to understand the other side of an argument and how evidence can be presented in a different light.

Of course, none of us here have anything to go on other than your story, so we're in no position to help you understand that or to understand the evidence in an objective light. What you need to do is discuss your objectives with your attorney and let your attorney map out a strategy to achieve your objectives (or to help you understand why they might not be realistically obtainable).