custody questions for single mom - help!

[wornOUTinMD]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Maryland

My ex and I have two children between us, and we are also not married. Both of us work night-shifts, and it has become slightly difficult to find childcare for them, due to these schedules. We have recently worked out a schedule of the children being with me during the school week, and Dad has them on the weekends (My parents also help out with the babysitting). Primarily, the children live with me and sleep at my home 4-5 days out of the week (and 1 day at my parents' house.) Dad has now become upset with me because he wants to see the children more days. I have no problem with this, but he wants the kids at his beck and call, whenever he gets off work, or whenever he feels like it AND he wants them awake, no matter what time he decides that he wants to pick them up (My children are ages 2 and 5). I find this highly unacceptable and have told him this; yet this is a weekly agrument. Is this a good time for the courts to be involved? (I have tried mediation, but I have received no response from them.)

I also have some other questions: What is the difference between joint and shared custody? Who would have primary custody? And who would have to pay child support (I make more money than he does)? Do our night work schedules make us look like "bad" parents --I work 10pm-630am and he works 2pm-finish?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Maryland

My ex and I have two children between us, and we are also not married. Both of us work night-shifts, and it has become slightly difficult to find childcare for them, due to these schedules. We have recently worked out a schedule of the children being with me during the school week, and Dad has them on the weekends (My parents also help out with the babysitting). Primarily, the children live with me and sleep at my home 4-5 days out of the week (and 1 day at my parents' house.) Dad has now become upset with me because he wants to see the children more days. I have no problem with this, but he wants the kids at his beck and call, whenever he gets off work, or whenever he feels like it AND he wants them awake, no matter what time he decides that he wants to pick them up (My children are ages 2 and 5). I find this highly unacceptable and have told him this; yet this is a weekly agrument. Is this a good time for the courts to be involved? (I have tried mediation, but I have received no response from them.)

I also have some other questions: What is the difference between joint and shared custody? Who would have primary custody? And who would have to pay child support (I make more money than he does)? Do our night work schedules make us look like "bad" parents --I work 10pm-630am and he works 2pm-finish?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

There are pluses and minuses to both of your schedules. Therefore I don't see either one of you being in a stronger position right now than the other. If the children were school aged, YOU would be in a much stronger position, because you would be available for the children much more than dad would. That's a year or so away though for your oldest, and several years for your youngest.

Its not reasonable for dad to expect you (or whoever is babysitting the kids) to keep the children awake until he gets off of work, unless he is getting off earlier than I think he is.

If dad remains on this schedule, once the kids start school he won't have any weekday time for them at all.

 

[wileybunch]

What exactly are yours and Dad's work schedules, including days of the week?

 

[wornOUTinMD]

custody questions for single mom - HELP!

Wow, thanks for the comments. To answer a few more questions, my kids are 2 and 5 - the 5 year old is already in all-day Kindergarten (830am-3pm). My work schedule is 10pm-630am, Friday-Tuesday... This allows me to take my son to school and pick him up from school. Dad's schedule is 2pm until whenever the work is done, which can be between 1030pm and 1am, sometimes later depending on the day and time of year. He works Sun - Thurs and sometimes he decides to work day shift hours. Based on these times, he has them on Sat & Sun, I have them Mon-Thurs and my parents keep them on Friday. Because he is upset with me and feels that I "hog" the time with the kids, he wants to start keeping them Fri, Sat and Sun -- would this would defeat the need for child support? Would I need to file for custody/support from him? Would he need to file for child support from me, or would I end up owing him support because he's keeping the kids an extra day out of the week?

 

[LdiJ]

Wow, thanks for the comments. To answer a few more questions, my kids are 2 and 5 - the 5 year old is already in all-day Kindergarten (830am-3pm). My work schedule is 10pm-630am, Friday-Tuesday... This allows me to take my son to school and pick him up from school. Dad's schedule is 2pm until whenever the work is done, which can be between 1030pm and 1am, sometimes later depending on the day and time of year. He works Sun - Thurs and sometimes he decides to work day shift hours. Based on these times, he has them on Sat & Sun, I have them Mon-Thurs and my parents keep them on Friday. Because he is upset with me and feels that I "hog" the time with the kids, he wants to start keeping them Fri, Sat and Sun -- would this would defeat the need for child support? Would I need to file for custody/support from him? Would he need to file for child support from me, or would I end up owing him support because he's keeping the kids an extra day out of the week?

It would make sense for him to have them on Friday since he is not working on Friday. However, it would also make sense for him to return them to you on Sunday since he works at 2PM and therefore they should be with you rather than with a babysitter.

The only time he can actually spend with your son (since your son is in all day KG) is Friday evening and Saturday, and part of Sunday. Other than that, he has no other time to spend with the child. You on the other hand have plenty of time to spend with the kids Sunday afternoon through Thursday night. You don't work on Wednesday and Thursday and you don't leave for work until after bedtime on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.

He could maybe have some extra time with the 2 year old during the morning and early afternoon (when you would probably normally be sleeping), on Mondays and Tuesdays.

 

[stealth2]

Wow, thanks for the comments. To answer a few more questions, my kids are 2 and 5 - the 5 year old is already in all-day Kindergarten (830am-3pm). My work schedule is 10pm-630am, Friday-Tuesday... This allows me to take my son to school and pick him up from school. Dad's schedule is 2pm until whenever the work is done, which can be between 1030pm and 1am, sometimes later depending on the day and time of year. He works Sun - Thurs and sometimes he decides to work day shift hours. Based on these times, he has them on Sat & Sun, I have them Mon-Thurs and my parents keep them on Friday. Because he is upset with me and feels that I "hog" the time with the kids, he wants to start keeping them Fri, Sat and Sun -- would this would defeat the need for child support? Would I need to file for custody/support from him? Would he need to file for child support from me, or would I end up owing him support because he's keeping the kids an extra day out of the week?

Why is this starting to sound like it's more about the money than anything else?

 

[Ohiogal]

Stealth i think it is because of this:

would this would defeat the need for child support? Would I need to file for custody/support from him? Would he need to file for child support from me, or would I end up owing him support because he's keeping the kids an extra day out of the week?

Hey but that is just my attorney cynicism. I really think that if she was concerned about the children she wouldn't be bringing up child support. And whether it would decrease if the father got more time with the children.

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

.... I really think that if she was concerned about the children she wouldn't be bringing up child support. And whether it would decrease if the father got more time with the children.

It would decrease(presuming she is already receiving CS) in MD if Dad gets more overnight time.

 

[wileybunch]

Why haven't you allowed Dad to have them on Friday, given that's 1 of his 2 days off/week and you work that day? He's specifically asked for it and he still doesn't get it. Yes, I would agree with him that you are "hogging" the kids since you have the kids on your 2 days off and 1 of dad's 2 days off.
Where are the kids on Friday then?
Who has care of them while you are at work?
What night do they sleep over at your parent's house?

More questions .... how is the babysitting done currently?
Where are they babysat?
By whom?
When do you sleep when you get off work at 6AM? How do you handle caring for the child not in school during those hours?

 

[wornOUTinMD]

custody questions for single mom - HELP!

Thanks again for the comments!

#1 Dad doesn't have them on Fridays because he normally works on Friday afternoons. I don't go to work until the night time, which is why they stay with my parents. Dad has recently changed his schedule, to Sun-Thurs which would allow him, now, to have the kids on Fridays. His time spent with them mainly wraps around what time he can actually get the kids/have the kids brought to him, not so much his days off.

#2 I have the youngest all day on my days off and my parents keep the baby during Mon & Tues. I pick the oldest up from school, take him to school, etc on Mon - Fri. Dad has no interest in spending time with the youngest during the day/before work.

#3 My parents come to my home to watch the kids overnight while I'm at work (Mon & Tues.)

#4 It's not about the money - my ex and I would like to have some kind of "formal agreement" that is court ordered/signed or something, stating that whatever we agree on is set in stone -- it was advised to us to file for custody and/or child support to get this sort of agreement -- I don't even know if that was good advice or not, which is why I posed the question.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Parents who are working won't be considered "bad" parents because they don't work a 9-5 Monday thru Friday shift. In reality, with the way the shifts are, you can actually maximize time with both parent and minimize time with "sitters."

I actually was the custodial parent when working the night shift. dad worked swing shift, so we figured out his days based on his schedule - the sitter or my parents had the rest of the schedule.

Advantage to having funky shifts:
1. don't have to take time off to take children to the doctor's/ dentists/ etc.
2. can have lunch with them at school
3. play outside during daylight hours

Think about what positives you can find in establishing a schedule that works with the children and both parents. It may landed up working out that you each have 50% of the time and that child support should be "reserved". Each party is responsible for the children on their time.

 

[wileybunch]

wornOUTinMD, I'm at a loss, then because I don't know what Dad is asking for. I thought he was asking for Fridays and his work schedule doesn't include Friday according to one of your posts, but in a subsequent post you're saying he works Fridays then seem to take that back within the same post and say the schedule changed. Your question is is it time to go back to court, right? Well, that's impossible to answer because I think we still don't have the details and don't know what it is Dad is adamant about wanting that you are adamant about not giving. What exactly does Dad want? Why don't you ask Dad to propose the parenting time share arrangement to you? Short of that, I'm not sure what we can tell you, we simply do not have enough information on whether you need to go through the time and financial investment of a trip back to court or not.

But, I guess I should ask .. would this be going BACK to court? Or to court for the first time? Do you have any custody/visitation orders?

 

[wornOUTinMD]

custody questions for single mom - HELP!

Thanks everyone, for the awesome responses!

Yes, Dad's schedule seems to change almost daily. I think his schedule has changed twice within my postings, which confuses me, also. I'm not sure exactly what Dad is asking for myself. Basically, he wants the kids 50% of the time, or any given time that he wants to see them. I am trying to figure out some kind of schedule that works with our odd shifts, but something constant or "regular" for the kids, so the daily routine doesn't get too confusing.

If court is needed, this would be a first time. My sister is a social worker, and a girlfriend of mine works for social services. They both suggested the need for mediation and/or court to establish this "concrete" schedule for the kids. I, like I've said before, am clueless to any of this, how it works, if we need it, etc. I'm simply trying to find out more information about this custody issue, as me and my Ex are trying to work something out between ourselves. Unfortunately, we are having a hard time trying to come up with a good compromise -- this is when I ask if court is a waste of time ???

 

[LdiJ]

Thanks everyone, for the awesome responses!

Yes, Dad's schedule seems to change almost daily. I think his schedule has changed twice within my postings, which confuses me, also. I'm not sure exactly what Dad is asking for myself. Basically, he wants the kids 50% of the time, or any given time that he wants to see them. I am trying to figure out some kind of schedule that works with our odd shifts, but something constant or "regular" for the kids, so the daily routine doesn't get too confusing.

If court is needed, this would be a first time. My sister is a social worker, and a girlfriend of mine works for social services. They both suggested the need for mediation and/or court to establish this "concrete" schedule for the kids. I, like I've said before, am clueless to any of this, how it works, if we need it, etc. I'm simply trying to find out more information about this custody issue, as me and my Ex are trying to work something out between ourselves. Unfortunately, we are having a hard time trying to come up with a good compromise -- this is when I ask if court is a waste of time ???

Court is generally not a waste of time. When a schedule is court ordered it becomes enforceable and neither one of you can make unreasonable demands of the other. Normally you do get ordered to mediation first, so that gives you the opportunity to hammer out an agreement if its possible to do so.

However, if dad's schedule changes all the time that does indeed make it difficult to establish a schedule, and the courts are unlikely to order a different schedule for the two different children.

So...start with what is concrete. Start with what days you know for sure that dad can have the kids, and work from there. Use your days off as your starting point for you having the kids.

One advantage to mediation is that a mediator will be there to tell him when he is not being reasonable.

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

... Normally you do get ordered to mediation first, so that gives you the opportunity to hammer out an agreement if its possible to do so.

The bolded section is not true in Maryland. The court may suggest it, but it doesn't just automatically order it.