custody revisit

[basylica]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? tx

my ex and I have been seperated since feb 08, divorce was finalized a few weeks ago.
We had temp orders hearing march 08, and a social study done, etc, as ordered by court.

I was upset the social study didn't turn glaringly in my favor, but I think thats just how those things go. One of the things my stepdad noticed upon reading is how the SS lady mentioned a few times that "as long as EX lives with his parents..."

It's been two years now we've been apart, and the kids were 1 and 4 (barely) and now are about to turn 3 and 6. I feel the divorce itself at this point is causing any trauma as it's been the norm for quite some time, but the situation is.

Ex has "expanded" visitation, 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends thurs-mon, thurs overnight on 2nd and 4th, and holiday visits. all standard stuff.

I'm slowly logging everything, but my concern is for the kids. I don't think they should be removed from their father - he loves them and they love him. However part of my reason for the divorce was I had to take care of *him* to the point I wasn't able to care of my actual babies, and I got fed up.
he was bathing once every 2 weeks, not wearing deo, leaving trash, dangerous meds on the floor, etc. just not a very healthy adult.
I'd hoped living with his parents would be safer for the kids to be there (his parents and 27yr old sister all live there) but I am seeing issues cropping up.

nothing SUPER major, but I'd like advice on what I should be documenting, any other things I should be looking for, and so forth...

1 - every weekend visit one or both kids comes home with large bruises. small rough and tumble boys they are, but having had boys for 6yrs...they have never had black eyes and large cuts while in my care, in school, or daycare. regular occurance at ex's. I think they are just not watching the kids iykwim.

2 - ex and his parents are saying things to the kids, stuff they shouldn't be hearing of course. mommy is a bad person, etc. just stuff no 3 or 6yr old should have to deal with

3 - no accidents since potty training 6yr old is having accidents constantly after long visitations - monday actually pooped his pants. I have no idea how to deal with that. happens day they return to my care pretty regularly now

4 - kids are sick and none of the 4 adults think to take them to doctor, let them fever all weekend and complain of earaches etc, dose with motrin and send to school/daycare. I get call around 3-4pm when motrin wears off and kid is running fever on monday after weekend visit. I even had voicemail ex left me for SS lady to hear saying "older son has been running a fever since thurs, and saying his ear hurts. I think it's probably a ear infection but I gave him motrin and send to daycare, just incase they call you"
This happens every few months with one of the kids, usually he doesn't tell me, I just get the call.

5 - my ex had kids thurs-mon prior to thanks, then tues-mon for thanks, and getting them today (thurs) through monday. Older son's K teacher emailed me yesterday saying that the last few weeks his behavior seems off, not paying attention, not doing work, etc. "this doesn't seem like SON" she says. Since they have been with ex for a few weeks minus one day....seems pretty clear to me the issue. This is something ongoing i've been dealing with....long visits/holiday visits take weeks to get back on track it seems

I'm writing all this down, but I was hoping for advice on what I should be doing to build a case to have visitation reduced slightly?
Seems like things are getting worse, and not just reaction to seperation as it's been 2yrs.

I've asked the teacher about counseling for son....but I don't know where to go.
always sucks to feel helpless when your lil ones are hurting

 

[mommyof4]

1 - every weekend visit one or both kids comes home with large bruises. small rough and tumble boys they are, but having had boys for 6yrs...they have never had black eyes and large cuts while in my care, in school, or daycare. regular occurance at ex's. I think they are just not watching the kids iykwim.

Large cuts: What do you consider to be a large cut?

What did Dad say when you asked him about the injuries? Doctor? CPS?

2 - ex and his parents are saying things to the kids, stuff they shouldn't be hearing of course. mommy is a bad person, etc. just stuff no 3 or 6yr old should have to deal with

Anything in the parenting plan that prohibits negative talk to the children about parents, etc.? Not that it would make a huge difference. Without something that is a distinct pattern, truly outrageous and provable, this is pretty hard to enforce.

3 - no accidents since potty training 6yr old is having accidents constantly after long visitations - monday actually pooped his pants. I have no idea how to deal with that. happens day they return to my care pretty regularly now

Have you asked your son why he is doing this?

4 - kids are sick and none of the 4 adults think to take them to doctor, let them fever all weekend and complain of earaches etc, dose with motrin and send to school/daycare. I get call around 3-4pm when motrin wears off and kid is running fever on monday after weekend visit. I even had voicemail ex left me for SS lady to hear saying "older son has been running a fever since thurs, and saying his ear hurts. I think it's probably a ear infection but I gave him motrin and send to daycare, just incase they call you"
This happens every few months with one of the kids, usually he doesn't tell me, I just get the call.

And....what did Dad say when you talked to him about this?

5 - my ex had kids thurs-mon prior to thanks, then tues-mon for thanks, and getting them today (thurs) through monday. Older son's K teacher emailed me yesterday saying that the last few weeks his behavior seems off, not paying attention, not doing work, etc. "this doesn't seem like SON" she says. Since they have been with ex for a few weeks minus one day....seems pretty clear to me the issue. This is something ongoing i've been dealing with....long visits/holiday visits take weeks to get back on track it seems

Off how? Hyper, sleepy, what?

I'm writing all this down, but I was hoping for advice on what I should be doing to build a case to have visitation reduced slightly?
Seems like things are getting worse, and not just reaction to seperation as it's been 2yrs.

I've asked the teacher about counseling for son....but I don't know where to go.
always sucks to feel helpless when your lil ones are hurting

A great way to find a counselor for your child is to ask your pediatrician for a referral.

 

[basylica]

Large cuts: What do you consider to be a large cut?

What did Dad say when you asked him about the injuries? Doctor? CPS?

Cuts that still have scarring and should have required stitches or atleast a dr visit at the time, bruises that are large and deeply colored, etc. things that may happen with overactive play - but happen often to the point I think adults just aren't watching kids like they should.
Dad and I don't talk much - if I try and ask he says i'm psycho (even infront of kids whom I can hear in background. I cut call short if he starts in with that stuff and the kids are around) and he should have full custody, etc. he won't give me answers other than redirect blame.

I didn't call CPS, I don't think kids are being *abused* just not taken care of....these things could happen at my house too, just on a case by case basis. it's the regular happenings that concern me that they aren't being supervised.

Anything in the parenting plan that prohibits negative talk to the children about parents, etc.? Not that it would make a huge difference. Without something that is a distinct pattern, truly outrageous and provable, this is pretty hard to enforce.

yep, it's in the standard tx stuff....ordered not to speak negatively, etc.
the court has been most unhelpful since beginning. I've been told I couldn't do anything about him not paying CS for 8m until divorce was finalized, couldn't file a TRO against ex after he'd attacked me 3x (threw me into a wall and gave me a concussion last time. and just FWW....he's 6' and 330+lbs, i'm 5'9 and 130...he claims that *I* attacked him...ohhhkaaayyy) because the divorce wasn't final, and so on. I know it isn't enforceable so much, and the whole "you cant do X without divorce being final" has loomed over me like a cloud. Lol.

Have you asked your son why he is doing this?

And....what did Dad say when you talked to him about this?

Son says - I don't know momma. it's ok. i'll do better. things of that nature. he is only 5....the pooping incident this week was "I like your bathroom better mom"

I'd asked EX about this once a year ago, he said "well, he's wetting the bed over here all the time....I think it's your fault"

sickness thing - he says "well, the fever was ONLY 103....i wasn't going to take them to the ER for that"
i'll say "i've given you the number/address of several after hours ped places in the area...."
he'll say "yeah, but they charge 50 a visit vs 20 and they weren't THAT sick"

evidently, sick enough for me to take off work and the kids not allowed at the daycare, but not sick enough to take them to a doctor for 4 days....*sigh*

Off how? Hyper, sleepy, what?


A great way to find a counselor for your child is to ask your pediatrician for a referral.

"I'm a concerned about SON. He has seemed distracted in class the
last few weeks. He is struggling to finish his work. He is fully
capable of doing the work, but he seems to want to sit and do nothing.
Many days recently he has finished his work during centers or recess.

I just wanted you to be aware. This doesn't seem like SON."

thats her email to me. with my son's name removed of course