Define Joint Legal Custody

[LRHeard7880]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? South Dakota

The custody/visitation agreement specifies "Joint Legal Custody" with my ex-wife having primary physical custody and me having 12 nights per month visitation.

My ex-wife routinely changes daycare and notifies me after the change has been made so I know where to take my son in the morning.

My attorney told me that my ex-wife would be required to consult and involve me in major decisions concerning my 4 year old son.

At this point, it appears that "Joint Legal Custody" is meaningless.

What is the impact of joint legal custody?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? South Dakota

The custody/visitation agreement specifies "Joint Legal Custody" with my ex-wife having primary physical custody and me having 12 nights per month visitation.

My ex-wife routinely changes daycare and notifies me after the change has been made so I know where to take my son in the morning.

My attorney told me that my ex-wife would be required to consult and involve me in major decisions concerning my 4 year old son.

At this point, it appears that "Joint Legal Custody" is meaningless.

What is the impact of joint legal custody?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

How often has daycare been changed? What were the circumstances? What reasons did Mom give?

If the parents cannot come to an agreement about X matter mediation is usually recommended (and can actually be mandatory).

 

[LRHeard7880]

Daycare

The divorce started November, 2007.

My ex-wife had moved out and immediately took possesion of the children. She actually used a group of volunteers for daycare for awhile. After that, my son went to a regualr daycare. But at that time there was no legal custody/visitation agreement.

A legal agreement was reached January, 2009, after failed mediation and a custody evalaution. Now the daycare provider is changing again.

Money problems were the reason for the groupd of volunteers and for this recent change.

I filed for divorce because of her credit cards.

 

[Proserpina]

The divorce started November, 2007.

My ex-wife had moved out and immediately took possesion of the children. She actually used a group of volunteers for daycare for awhile. After that, my son went to a regualr daycare. But at that time there was no legal custody/visitation agreement.

A legal agreement was reached January, 2009, after failed mediation and a custody evalaution. Now the daycare provider is changing again.

Money problems were the reason for the groupd of volunteers and for this recent change.

I filed for divorce because of her credit cards.

So since January how often has the daycare provider been changed?

 

[LRHeard7880]

My son stopped going to daycare at the beginning of November and has been cared for by our 18 year old son who just returned from basic training. The 18 year old leaves for college this Friday.

Next Monday is the start of the new daycare. I just got the address this morning.

 

[Proserpina]

My son stopped going to daycare at the beginning of November and has been cared for by our 18 year old son who just returned from basic training. The 18 year old leaves for college this Friday.

Next Monday is the start of the new daycare. I just got the address this morning.

Then I'm sorry - I'm really not understanding why this is bothering you so much? (am I missing something?)

Prior to January there was no order in place, correct? And since that time there has only been one change?

Are you disagreeing with the choice of daycare provider? Did you and Mom actually discuss this, knowing that your 18 year old was leaving?

 

[LRHeard7880]

There were no dicussions. I have simply been informed of the decisions that my ex-wife made, which put our 18 year old in the middle. My 18 year old knew what the deal was but my ex-wife did not tell me until I already knew.

I have never been consulted on daycare issues since she moved out, simply informed. I found out about the "Group of Volunteers" because in an emergency my ex-wife asked a friend of mine to watch the 4 year for a couple of hours.

 

[Proserpina]

There were no dicussions. I have simply been informed of the decisions that my ex-wife made, which put our 18 year old in the middle. My 18 year old knew what the deal was but my ex-wife did not tell me until I already knew.

I have never been consulted on daycare issues since she moved out, simply informed. I found out about the "Group of Volunteers" because in an emergency my ex-wife asked a friend of mine to watch the 4 year for a couple of hours.

Would joint parenting classes help? It does appear that there is still quite a bit of hostility present between you - this isn't good for the child at all. Your frustration is understandable (oh, believe me - many of us understand...) but don't let it take over.

I honestly recommend you pick your battles carefully - is this issue really worth it? You're talking about one instance (because what happened prior to the actual order being issued won't matter much, if at all). And it won't be a stretch for Mom to claim that she would've been happy to discuss with you...if you had actually approached her about it.

 

[Zigner]

Let's look at it another way:

Did you have objections to the daycare arrangements with the "group of volunteers"? If so, did you raise them?
Did you have objections to your son providing daycare? If so, did you raise them?
Do you have objections to the current choice of daycare?

Or...is this all about the fact that you feel that you should have some say in it, regardless of whether you agree with the decision or not?


I submit that this may not be the hill you want to die on. (ie: It's not worth the fight on this matter)

 

[LRHeard7880]

It is difficult to object to a "Group Of Volunteers" that you are not aware of. I objected immediately upon finding out, during mediation.

When the mediator expressed her concerns about the group of volunteers, then regular daycare was found.

I do not object to the 18 old watching the 4 year old, other than the 18 year old has a life to. It would have been better if my ex would have been open and honest instead of putting the 18 year old in the middle. I did ask the ex about the daycare situation when I grew suspisous and she refused to tell me.

I found out about the latest daycare because my 4 year old told, not my ex. I have no idea what the facilities are or anything about the provider other than an address and it is an in home daycare.

 

[LdiJ]

Let's look at it another way:

Did you have objections to the daycare arrangements with the "group of volunteers"? If so, did you raise them?
Did you have objections to your son providing daycare? If so, did you raise them?
Do you have objections to the current choice of daycare?

Or...is this all about the fact that you feel that you should have some say in it, regardless of whether you agree with the decision or not?


I submit that this may not be the hill you want to die on. (ie: It's not worth the fight on this matter)

I agree. Unless you have a real objection to the daycare in question, or feel that much better options were available, this is NOT a hill to die on.

If you like, then by all means remind mom that this is the sort of decision that you are supposed to be making jointly, because you have joint legal custody, but otherwise put it to the side unless mom continues with this kind of pattern. (making bigger than every day decisions without your input) What happened before January 2009, doesn't really matter at this point.

 

[LRHeard7880]

Am I correct to assume that I should be involved in daycare decisions, since I have joint legal custody?

I have reminded my ex that I have joint legal custody. The ex replied that since she has primary physical my opinion does not matter.

At this point, I plan to visit the daycare as soon as I have contact information and will not make an issue of it unless I have serious concerns. I do plan to document the ex's continued behavior of not involving me.

 

[Proserpina]

Am I correct to assume that I should be involved in daycare decisions, since I have joint legal custody?

Yes. But you've also got be practical, and reasonable.

I have reminded my ex that I have joint legal custody. The ex replied that since she has primary physical my opinion does not matter.

Your ex would be incorrect. At least legally speaking - as a practical matter she's unfortunately closer to "correct" than I think any of us would like.

At this point, I plan to visit the daycare as soon as I have contact information and will not make an issue of it unless I have serious concerns. I do plan to document the ex's continued behavior of not involving me.

Quick question. When did you both become aware that a) 18 year old was babysitting, and b) 18 year old would be leaving?

 

[LRHeard7880]

We were all aware of the 18 year old's plans for several months. The ex came up with the plan of having the 18 year old watching the 4 year old after the 18 year old returned from basic training. I became suspisious after I was told to drop the 4 year old at the ex's house instead of daycare, supposedly so the boys could spend time together for alittle while in the morning.

After the second time of the different drop off, I asked what was going on with daycare and the ex told me that "it is being taken care of".

 

[LdiJ]

We were all aware of the 18 year old's plans for several months. The ex came up with the plan of having the 18 year old watching the 4 year old after the 18 year old returned from basic training. I became suspisious after I was told to drop the 4 year old at the ex's house instead of daycare, supposedly so the boys could spend time together for alittle while in the morning.

After the second time of the different drop off, I asked what was going on with daycare and the ex told me that "it is being taken care of".

Its good that the 18 year old and the 4 year old had that time together. You really shouldn't have a problem with that. After all, big bro won't be around for at least months at a time, if not much longer.

Look, I really do understand that you want to be consulted and that you have the right to participate in decision making because you have joint legal custody. However, things like daycare do impact mom more than you.

If mom developes a pattern of including you on none of the major decisions, then by all means take her to court for contempt. However if you take her to court for contempt for something that you would or should have agreed to anyway, its going to damage your credibility a bit in court.