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singledaddytwo

Junior Member
What is the name of your state? Pennsylvania

Hello, I am a single father of two children ages 4 and 12, both are girls. I suggested to my ex ( never married), upon our split up that I was going to accept no less than equal time with the children as she would have, 50/50 if you will. This all took place through the courts of PA 2 1/2 years ago. She has two children from a previous marriage, 1 in college, the other, 16 yrs old and living with her mom full time. My children visit their mother Sunday to Sunday every other week and in the beginning, this arrangement was working well to my knowledge but as time has past, it is becoming more evident that this arrangement was not such a good idea. The mother, having my two children in her care every other week, can not put aside going out drinking and staying home for the childrens benefit, and instead , pawns them off to someone who will watch them while she "does her thing". It was just brought to my attention by my 12 yr old that her mother allows the 16 yr old from previous marriage to sleep with her 20 yr old boyfriend who is practically living in the household in an effort by the mother to potentially get financial help from her daughters boyfriend. I am trying to raise my children with morals and values however things like this are really "getting in the way" to put it mildly. She has been through 4 boyfriends in the time we have been apart and this in itself is not healthy for 2 children who just went through it with me and their mother 2 1/2 yrs ago after 11 years together. It has also been brought to my attention that the mother took on a part time job 3 nights a week from 5PM to 10PM. This is not the arrangement we made 2 1/2 yrs ago . The time I agreed to give of every other week was intended to be time for their mother to spend with her children, not time with a babysitter, or their mothers 16 yr old daughter, or grandparents etc. She has a personals ad that specifically states "I LIKE DRINKING". Funny thing is, she drank maybe 3 times in the 11 years we were together. I just feel that personals ad is attracting the "wrong" kind of people I want around my children, the 16yr old sleeping with her 20 yr old boyfriend etc are things that are not healthy for my children and I'm afraid she is defeating my efforts in producing two children with morals, respect and all the other characteristics of decent human beings. Please help me decide what route to take to correct this as talking to her gets an OK at the time, but falls right back into the same situation within a week or two. I'm at my wits end as to what my legal rights are as I've never been too fond of the justice system and know that an adverse decision on the judges part that is anything less than in my favor would literally land me in jail as I love my girls dearly, I know their mother and I know the dedication I have given my children since the day this arrangement took effect two and 1/2 years ago. An adverse decision would literally destroy me. All advice & opinions are welcome. Again, this is a matter of 2 children who go from morally stable to the above every other week.
 
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BL

Senior Member
I suggested to my ex ( never married), upon our split up that I was going to accept no less than equal time with the children as she would have, 50/50 if you will.
You got what you wanted , no less that 50/50 time .

You can not expect , just as your x can not expect , that the entire time of 1 week be spend with the children .

People have lives .

As was so Bluntly put to me by the State one time . As long as she is leaving the children in the care of a competent person there is nothing wrong .

Although if you have proof that the children are being neglected or put in harms way you have a right to report this to the State .

Also , I do believe you want to raise the Children in a Moral fashion , but reality is you can't control what goes on in the week they are not with you .

The best you can do is show by example of your own self and behavior .
 

singledaddytwo

Junior Member
You got what you wanted , no less that 50/50 time .

You can not expect , just as your x can not expect , that the entire time of 1 week be spend with the children .

People have lives .


Yes, I got what I wanted, 50/50. Did she tell me that she would allow her 16 yr old to sleep with her 20 yr old boyfriend in the SAME house with my children? NO. Did she tell me that she would be working 3 nights a week to "finance her lifestyle" of going out , and last but not least, IS GIVING UP TWO WEEKENDS A MONTH FOR YOUR CHILDREN REALLY THAT MUCH OF A SACRIFICE?? If anyone can answer that question with a YES, than please stop reproducing at once. THAT IS VERY SAD!!!!!! not to mention SELFISH AS ALL GET OUT!!
 

singledaddytwo

Junior Member
Ohhh, and one other thing. I am self employed, have given up alot of work due to the "time restrictions" on the weeks I have my children but never have I once put MY LIFE, before theirs. How lame that comment sounded. "You can't expect for her to be with them the whole time.....one week". How hard is it really......unless your selfish?? Maybe that is why the tables are turning where more fathers are getting PRIMARY custody because the mothers are too interested in themselves to take the time needed for their children. Who knows? All I know is that if I go to court and get a judge that can "condone" a 16 yr old sleeping with a 20 yr old ALLOWED by her mother, and he finds this same mother as being someone that "has the childrens best interest at heart", his reputation as he knew it will end in a very bad way by the time I am through. Any judge that condones that should be "removed" from the bench....if not the planet. But thats just my opinion.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
To play devil's advocate, was having you around as her partner and producing two children out of wedlock modelling morality to her other daughter? Might want to be careful how you toss that around, son.
 

BL

Senior Member
How lame that comment sounded. "You can't expect for her to be with them the whole time.....one week". How hard is it really......unless your selfish??
Lame ? Get a reality Check . The kids do go to school right .

If you believe the 20 y/o is banging a 16 y/o call CPS . If CPS finds anything then they will take action against the Mother .

If not , that life . Otherwise NOTHING you have stated is against the LAW .

This is a Law Forum , not Dear Abby .
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Also, since age of consent is 16 in PA...................... they're not doing anything illegal.
 

singledaddytwo

Junior Member
Well lets see....considering her "other daughter" was brought into this world the same way, I don't think that plays a major role where "morality " is concerned. The point was that the girl is 16, not on her own and responsible for her self. Her mother allows it and whether you care to admit it or not....ITS WRONG!! I guess the fact that I NEVER MARRIED HER was wrong on my part "according to different people" and different religions.......but in the same breath , I'm not marrying someone I don't intend to spend the REST of my life with, children or not. Thought I'd try and keep the divorce rate down I guess. Not marrying someone you have children with in no way implicates you DON'T have the childrens best interest at heart. If so then I guess she has one up on me..she did marry her daughters father. The only thing is that she married him in the prison where he was incarcerated and up until a year ago, thats where he has been.So now shes fighting for child support even though "lucky ole me" was the one who supported the two shes fighting for support for" the WHOLE time we were together. I wonder if she'll offer me "my share" ? Yeah Right.

Ohhhh, does saying the "F" word in every sentence constitute a morality issue in your book? If so, the mother allows that too from the 16 yr old around my children.
 

singledaddytwo

Junior Member
Ohhhh I see, the age of consent is 16 in PA? Then how do you justify the state trying to stop "teenage"......SIX....TEEEEEENNNN, pregnancies? Maybe they need to adjust their laws to meet "incompetent parents" needs.

Thanks for all your help but my attorney just called me back advising that "WE HAVE A GREAT CASE AGAINST HER" Now, how can I be so wrong??

He quoted the same thing to me that I quoted on this forum. "A judge who will condone the 16 yr old sleeping with the 20 yr old under the same roof as the mother...is a judge who is "carefree" about his position".....GO FIGURE!!
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Darlin' - you're not getting it. The court rarely gets involved in morality issues. Her daughter/boyfriend are a nonstarter as they are not doing anything illegal under PA law. They're also not doing anything different from what YOU and Mom did. You can stomp your feet all you want, but legally it is the same thing.
 

BL

Senior Member
singledaddytwo said:
Ohhhh I see, the age of consent is 16 in PA? Then how do you justify the state trying to stop "teenage"......SIX....TEEEEEENNNN, pregnancies? Maybe they need to adjust their laws to meet "incompetent parents" needs.

Thanks for all your help but my attorney just called me back advising that "WE HAVE A GREAT CASE AGAINST HER" Now, how can I be so wrong??

He quoted the same thing to me that I quoted on this forum. "A judge who will condone the 16 yr old sleeping with the 20 yr old under the same roof as the mother...is a judge who is "carefree" about his position".....GO FIGURE!!
Please help me decide what route to take to correct this as talking to her gets an OK at the time, but falls right back into the same situation within a week or two. I'm at my wits end as to what my legal rights
What Case ? I personally have not read what you wish to accomplish , other that controlling Her behavior during the week " she " is entitled to them .
 

tigger22472

Senior Member
singledaddytwo said:
What is the name of your state? Pennsylvania

Hello, I am a single father of two children ages 4 and 12, both are girls. I suggested to my ex ( never married), upon our split up that I was going to accept no less than equal time with the children as she would have, 50/50 if you will. This all took place through the courts of PA 2 1/2 years ago. She has two children from a previous marriage, 1 in college, the other, 16 yrs old and living with her mom full time. My children visit their mother Sunday to Sunday every other week and in the beginning, this arrangement was working well to my knowledge but as time has past, it is becoming more evident that this arrangement was not such a good idea. The mother, having my two children in her care every other week, can not put aside going out drinking and staying home for the childrens benefit, and instead , pawns them off to someone who will watch them while she "does her thing". It was just brought to my attention by my 12 yr old that her mother allows the 16 yr old from previous marriage to sleep with her 20 yr old boyfriend who is practically living in the household in an effort by the mother to potentially get financial help from her daughters boyfriend. I am trying to raise my children with morals and values however things like this are really "getting in the way" to put it mildly. She has been through 4 boyfriends in the time we have been apart and this in itself is not healthy for 2 children who just went through it with me and their mother 2 1/2 yrs ago after 11 years together. It has also been brought to my attention that the mother took on a part time job 3 nights a week from 5PM to 10PM. This is not the arrangement we made 2 1/2 yrs ago . The time I agreed to give of every other week was intended to be time for their mother to spend with her children, not time with a babysitter, or their mothers 16 yr old daughter, or grandparents etc. She has a personals ad that specifically states "I LIKE DRINKING". Funny thing is, she drank maybe 3 times in the 11 years we were together. I just feel that personals ad is attracting the "wrong" kind of people I want around my children, the 16yr old sleeping with her 20 yr old boyfriend etc are things that are not healthy for my children and I'm afraid she is defeating my efforts in producing two children with morals, respect and all the other characteristics of decent human beings. Please help me decide what route to take to correct this as talking to her gets an OK at the time, but falls right back into the same situation within a week or two. I'm at my wits end as to what my legal rights are as I've never been too fond of the justice system and know that an adverse decision on the judges part that is anything less than in my favor would literally land me in jail as I love my girls dearly, I know their mother and I know the dedication I have given my children since the day this arrangement took effect two and 1/2 years ago. An adverse decision would literally destroy me. All advice & opinions are welcome. Again, this is a matter of 2 children who go from morally stable to the above every other week.
Ok.. first I'm going to say that you have gotten very good advice, including that this isn't a Dear Abby site so far.

Secondly, I'm going to say that I do understand. My step-daughter lives with my husband and I for two weeks and then with her mom for two weeks. Her mother works very odd shifts and is seldom home during her two week stay. Mom was married for four years. I wouldn't say it was stable as she filed for divorce seriously 4 times, the first being 3 months after the marriage before they finally went through with it. During that time she and her husband tried the best they could to arrange their schedules to where someone was home with her children at all times. When that couldn't happen my step-daughter, and for a time her older brother, came to my house. The day after the husband moved out, her new boyfriend moved in and he stayed with her kids while she worked. He lasted about 4 months. Currently my step-daughter is here more than she is at her mom's (the last 2 week period she was to be with her mom she was here every day but 3). Mom has allowed her now 13 year old to spend enormous amounts of time alone. For instance, mom worked today second shift. Being that it's a Saturday her son is alone as she left probably around 1PM and maybe as late as 3AM on her return. This is a 5-6 day a week occurance.

My point is, does my husband agree with it? NO. However, as far as her son goes, he has no say. How she raises her son is none of his business. As far as her lifestyle, and her work schedule, that's also little that he can do considering she's not endangering the child.

The advice I have for you is to keep very open communication with your children to allow them the comfort to come to you when they feel they need to discuss their feelings. My step-daughter, at 9, sees what's going on and over the last year has really lost respect for her mother. We commented that when the bf moved in we were worried about her getting attached like she does and this bf leaving (which he has). Her comment was "That's ok, the next one will come along." When she tries to talk to her mother about things, her mom either blows her off or tells her only very little and will tell her she won't discuss things any further, which frustrates my step-daughter. As far as her mom's job goes, it's a way of life. Period. As long as the children aren't having behavior problems or being neglected or abused there's little to be done. When their behaviors start affecting school or unlawful things, then is when something could be done.

Until then there's nothing you can do legally that would get you anywhere. The theories of 'what if' doesn't work in the law (ie. What if she allows your daughter at 16 to have her 20 year old bf over to spend the night?). You just must suck it up and be there for your kids.
 

tigger22472

Senior Member
singledaddytwo said:
Ohhhh, does saying the "F" word in every sentence constitute a morality issue in your book? If so, the mother allows that too from the 16 yr old around my children.
I find this funny. I cuss like a sailor, always have so it's always been around my children (now 12 and 14 1/2). My step-daughters mother doesn't cuss at all. To say the word 'piss' is cussing to her. Yet, BOTH of her children have been caught several times (just not always by her). Her 13 yr old son cusses at church no less. Her daughter has been caught saying words even I don't say in my home. In the same respect my 12 and 14 yr olds WON'T cuss. I have even told the 14 year old that words like 'hell' and 'damn' aren't that big a deal at his age now and as long as he doesn't say them at school, or church or sit and literally cuss out his siblings it's not a big deal at this point. I know he can do that because we all knew not to cuss in certain places. Think about it, how many of us cussed all the time in high school, just never when a teacher heard or around our parents?

My point is that it's my opnion that cussing or not cussing around your children doesn't have the effect you think it does.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
And certainly it's nothing the 12yo hasn't heard at school. I've been known to cuss like a sailor as well. In front of the kids. They know very well when and where it's appropriate (when watching a Yankee/Sox game or with the guys) and when it's not (Dad's or Grandma's). For the longest time, they'd stop themselves, and ask me if it was okay to use "language". My favorite was when we were watching a Yankee/Sox game AT Grandma's and it was a particularly stressful point in the game. #1 got really riled up and started with "you, you, you....." when he realized that it wasn't a place for cussin'. He finally set his shoulders and came out with "you, you, you..... MATZOH BALL!"

LOLOLOL And we're not Jewish!
 

tigger22472

Senior Member
stealth2 said:
And certainly it's nothing the 12yo hasn't heard at school. I've been known to cuss like a sailor as well. In front of the kids. They know very well when and where it's appropriate (when watching a Yankee/Sox game or with the guys) and when it's not (Dad's or Grandma's). For the longest time, they'd stop themselves, and ask me if it was okay to use "language". My favorite was when we were watching a Yankee/Sox game AT Grandma's and it was a particularly stressful point in the game. #1 got really riled up and started with "you, you, you....." when he realized that it wasn't a place for cussin'. He finally set his shoulders and came out with "you, you, you..... MATZOH BALL!"

LOLOLOL And we're not Jewish!
HA HA HA! Oh yeah, the other rule was not around Grandma! I will say this though. My 12 yr old came in the other day in his imfamous tattling mode. My 14 yr old has had some trouble with some of the neighbor kids giving him a hard time because he is pretty timid. They were giving him a hard time one morning at the bus stop and my son just turned to them and said... "Oh F*** off" and walked away. My 12 yr old wanted to get the 14 yr old in trouble. My husband and I laughed and said.. "good for you for finally sticking up for yourself." What harm did he do? None.
 
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