Did I booboo?

[misslawli]

What is the name of your state? Az

I have posted on this forum before and each of my questions were answered honestly and legally. Not always with the answer I was looking for, but the laws are the laws. I have to accept that. It comes down to this: My son just turned 3. His father has seen him maybe 20 times in his life. the questions I had posted reguarded having him sign away his rights, and if any thing happened to me could I "will" him to my mom.
Here is the current situation. It has been 11 months since the father has made an attempt to contact me & my son. I have lived in the same house for 10 years, I have worked at the same place for 6 years. We live in a very small town and have several mutual friends. It's not that hard to get a hold of me. Well, he finally did. And I think I may have made a mistake in the way I handled the situation. I am a big enough person to admit when I am wrong. But after 5 years of putting up with this man(I use the term loosely) I got frustrated and lost my cool. Ihad heard that if I refuse to let him see my son when 'he feels like coming around' It will hurt my case if anything ever goes to court, etc child support and custody issues(which I have never filed for).
Last time he came around, I told him that I was not going to let him ruin my son's life because he cant get his stuff together. If he wanted to see my son he needed to go file a court order for visitation. I doubt that he will do this considering he will be made to file one for child supprt also. But a co-worker said she had a similar situation and her ex wound up getting custody because she refused to let him see the kids. Did I booboo when I said no?? or was it a royal @#$%up? I think he gets a sudden case of consience right before my sons B-day. thats when he always shows up "Ready to be a responsible dad!" he calls once a week to see him and usually backs out this last for about 2month then he's gone again. Any thing would be helpfull. Thank you!!

 

[MamaLlama]

From a layman....Unless there is a court order for visitation legally you cannot be held responsible for providing visitation time for him and especially not at his whim. However, certainly if there are other patterns that you acknowledge he is the father, ie receive monetary support on behalf of the child, have provided a pattern of visitation in the past and he can prove it - then the sudden change might help him with a case if he chose to pursue it.

While you are correct in saying he has no right to visitation if there is no court order - proving yourself reasonable will go a long way while waiting for a court case to be settled if one occurs. Do what is in the best interests of your child. Period.

Let him attend the bday party for goodness sake. Let him visit the child while you are present but let him know you cannot allow visitation without your being present until he is willing to get a court ordered visitation schedule in place. From your standpoint it is the only legal means by which you can both protect your relationships with your child.

Obviously consult a lawyer if you receive anything regarding him filing for custody etc.

 

[hexeliebe]

While you are correct in saying he has no right to visitation if there is no court order .

WRONG and dangerous.
If there is no court order establishing visitation then BOTH parents have the same rights. PERIOD! Legally, he could take the child for a visit and never return him. After all, he is the child's father.

And why are you waiting for him to file for visitation? If you want this situation controlled, then file yourself for custody, support and present a reasonable visitation plan.

Do not wait until he does something. At this point there is nothing in place that stops him or you from anything.

 

[Whyte Noise]

Hex... honey... I hate to step on your toes here...

But, if the parents were never married, some states automatically award custody to the mother on the birth of the child. Having equal rights and access to the child only applies in cases where the parents are married and havent had any orders set in place yet.

The poster would need to find out her state's laws on this to determine if she in fact does have custody... even without a court order. If she does, then the father has NO rights until he petitions for them in a court of law.

 

[hexeliebe]

MissouriGal,

Point me to the part of this person's post where she says they were not married.

This is not an issue. If, in fact, this poster and the 'father' were not married then she should put that in the post.

as stated in her original post, there is nothing that precludes the father from taking the child. PERIOD!

 

[Whyte Noise]

Whoa there horsey.

There is nothing in her post that says they weren't married.

However, point ME to the part that says they WERE.

Her saying he's only seen the child maybe 20 times in his short 3 year life, and the fact that she said, and I quote..."It will hurt my case if anything ever goes to court, etc child support and custody issues(which I have never filed for)." leads one to believe that they were never indeed married. If they were married, she wouldn't have said "if anything EVER goes to court". etc.

I was just pointing out that the advice you gave would apply to married parents, and if this poster WEREN'T married and her state DOES give custody to the mother automatically, then the father may not have any rights until he petitions for them. Two different sets of rules possibly for the 2 different situations. You nor I neither one knows if she was married or not. You just gave her the rules for married parents though. I stated if they were unmarried, it was a different ball game. I didn't jump to conclusions that she WASN'T married. And since she didn't state whether they were or weren't married, she can read BOTH our replies and act accordingly.

 

[haiku]

actually I think it would be best to err on the side of "both parents get equal rights" until you know for sure the state law.

I did not know until it was almost "too late" that my state gave equal rights to both unmarried parents.

 

[misslawli]

I do apologize for being unclear... no we were never married. We were going to get married shortly after my son was born but at 7mos. preg. he just didn't come home one night and didn't bother showing up again till the day after my son was born.( with his new girlfriend!) And just a quick recap- I have bent over backwards to allow him to be a part of his sons life. His first birthday he showed up 3 hours late for because he didn't want his mother to know he and his girlfriend were back together. he has been invited to every birth day party that I could reach him for. When he didn't have a vehicle, several people including my self offered to pick him up take him some where and let them be alone for a while. He actually was present for a little bit of the first 9 months. Thats where the majority of the 20 times of contact happened. he has paid some child supprot since my sons birth, about $200 all together. Most of the times he would cancel was so he could watch the new GF's daughter. We had arranged visitation on our own. He blew of I'd say a good 85% of his visits for the new GF and her daughter. They are now engaged and she is 6 months pregnant. all I can say is that I am a firm beleiver in "what goes around, goes around."
I just wanted to get some advice from people who have had similar situations or professionals. I appreciate every ones input. As I said in the original post I know someone who said it hurt her case, but I dont know the details. I think they were married. I also had another friend who was about to split with his girl frien of 12 years and wanted custody of thier 5 kids, but a lawyer told him since they weren't married he couldn't do a thing.
thanks again