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Didnt want kids till served with Child Support papers, help please.

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Jadednomore05

Junior Member
What is the name of your state? TN
My ex husband has LEGAL joint custody. We are supposed to share the kids 7/7, swapping every seven days. He has not done this with my daughter (11) in over 3 yrs. My son (14) in a year and a half. After always begging for any money over the years to help I filed for Child Support with the TN office. Now after all this time, he has decided to do his 7/7 so his child support will be lower when we go to court about it on 9/14/2005. I want to get full custody, he has lived 3 mins away from our kids for almost a year and never wanted them other than every other weekend. the law said when he refused to bring them home Sunday Night there was nothing I could do about it. To me, he didnt want these kids, he tells my son who has a form of Autism called Aspergers, that he is stupid and lazy. Tells my daughter who is overweight that god does not like fat people and they are going to H@@@. All the attor. I have spoken to want thousands of dollars to help me. Also, I looked at the final div decree for the kids, it has my daughters Bday incorrect on there, has her born in 95, not 93. Does this in any way void the papers? :( Is there anything I can do,l I mean is that not a form of abandonment? He didnt stick to the legal set up Visitation. The worse part of all this, is that he makes 6 times what I do currently and is in College to become a Minister. Sad I know. He had visitation most fathers would dream of, and he threw it away.
 


rmet4nzkx

Senior Member
Until your court date, you must abide by the existing court order.

While it is a cruel thing for a parent to say about a child with Asperger's, to say that " he is stupid and lazy" that may be one way to describe your son's lack of motovation, abiltity to make decisions, follow directions etc, get his attention, all very frustrating, yet dad has exercised his visitation and custody more for him than for your younger daughter. It is very possible that dad simply doesn't have time to work, attend seminary or Bible College and provide supervision for both children. Children with Asperger's require constant supervision and a structured and supportive home setting. It is also possible that he feels that your daughter is better off with you at this age. Is there a reason for her weight problem?

There is no simple answer to this situation, to make it work, but if he is exercising his custody as per the order, he can keep them during his time.
 

Jadednomore05

Junior Member
No, to call a child with or without Aspergers lazy and stupid is a a form of mental and verbal abuse. Also, he wants both children now, not to spend time with them, but to cut his Child Support payments down. It is not about the kids, it is about who it is always about HIM, when it is convient for him, Children are not toys, or hobbies to pick up when u have some spare time. I work a full time job, have other interest too. It is a copout that parents who dont care about their kids use. I know several people who maintain work, school, and the kids just fine. It might take some of his weekend getaways or trips and cruises away. This is not about wanting to spend time or know his kids, it is about him not wanting to pay money. NO OTHER REASON. And whether my daughter has a weight problem, is not an issue, telling a child u will go to H((( if u are overweight is stupidity and cruel. A grown adult should know better than to insult and degrade a child.
 

TNBSMommy

Member
Jaded, when you go to court on the 14th are you going only for CS? B/c you will have to file seperately for custody if they aren't already together. Rmet is right, until there is a modified court order, you have to follow the one you have and unfortunately, it is his legal right to follow it to the letter, until it is changed, he can follow this week, and not at all next month, and then follow it in October.

You really should try to retain a lawyer if you do truly feel it is in the children's best interest to modify the custody agreement. What area of TN are you in?
 

rmet4nzkx

Senior Member
I'm sorry if I have to be blunt, but dealing with Asperger's is very frustrating and you should be happy that he is finally stepping up to the plate and giving you some respite, maybe you should have filed for child support sooner. We have many parents here who are frustrated because the ex's don't exercice their custody and visitation expecially with disabled children.
 

m5634

Member
Jade, I'm right there with ya!!!!

Talking to his only children that way is degrading, appalling, and will not help their self esteem. Aren't people that claim to serve God, suppose to be upbuilding and not tearing others down? He is a poor excuse of a man, that will someday be in a leader type role. Hopefully, the seminary will see what kind of person he really is before that.

It is so hard for kids to grow up these days. Especially in their teen years.

As your children get older they will see who he really is. After all actions speak louder than words.

He is not a father that those children need to be with. He should be ashamed of himself for treating his children that way. Makes you wonder how he sleeps at night and pretends to others he wants to serve God.

Come judgment day, he'll be shaking in his shoes.

Keep being the best mom you can be. I'm sure your doing the best you can. Somehow you & your kids will get thru the tough times.
 

Jadednomore05

Junior Member
As to the comment he is "Stepping up to the plate with the children" no he is not. He states, only 3 wks before we go to court, that he wants his 7/7. Anyone who could be fooled that he is wanting to contribute or enhance his childrens lives is clearly blind. My son has strict guidelines that he must adhere to in order to maintain what others do easily in life. Yes he is frustrating, he is also loving, intelligent and wonderful to be around. My life is better for knowing both my children. My son has over come Luekimia, a speech impediment and now this. To tell someone who has overcome so much in their life they are stupid & lazy, shows that their father must need to do more soul searching than humanly possible at this point to be a good father. I did not ask for Child support before, to avoid the conflict and harm that I knew would come to my children. As for him stepping up to the plate, he told my children on his weeks, to ride the bus to my house, if he was not at the bus stop to pick them up to just go to mom's house ill pick up there. This is not being a responsible adult, it is using my home as a babysitter service. He is too busy for my daughter to do the school play, if i dont pick her up from practice on his weeks, she will not be able to be in the play. It CONFLICTS with his schedule, so i think the plate that u referred to him stepping up to is slightly chipped and in need of some serious repair. Thank you. :(
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Getting mad at people here isn't going to accomplish anything. The fact remains that he has every right to exercise his time now, for any reason whatsoever. Until the order is modified, you must abide by it. And in order to modify it, you will have to file for it in court - it will not be held at the same time as the CS hearing as there is likely not enough time to prepare the paperwork and have him properly served.
 

rmet4nzkx

Senior Member
Jadednomore05 said:
As to the comment he is "Stepping up to the plate with the children" no he is not. He states, only 3 wks before we go to court, that he wants his 7/7. Anyone who could be fooled that he is wanting to contribute or enhance his childrens lives is clearly blind. My son has strict guidelines that he must adhere to in order to maintain what others do easily in life. Yes he is frustrating, he is also loving, intelligent and wonderful to be around. My life is better for knowing both my children. My son has over come Luekimia, a speech impediment and now this. To tell someone who has overcome so much in their life they are stupid & lazy, shows that their father must need to do more soul searching than humanly possible at this point to be a good father. I did not ask for Child support before, to avoid the conflict and harm that I knew would come to my children. As for him stepping up to the plate, he told my children on his weeks, to ride the bus to my house, if he was not at the bus stop to pick them up to just go to mom's house ill pick up there. This is not being a responsible adult, it is using my home as a babysitter service. He is too busy for my daughter to do the school play, if i dont pick her up from practice on his weeks, she will not be able to be in the play. It CONFLICTS with his schedule, so i think the plate that u referred to him stepping up to is slightly chipped and in need of some serious repair. Thank you. :(
Stepping up to the plate means just that, he is stepping up to the plate NOW, not what he has done in the past. You have a very concrete way of vewing the world and little flexability.

If your son has Asperger's he will never overcome it. He may catch up or learn to act more appropriately with much practice and supervision, he will always have trouble with new situations. Asperger's is a chronic condiition, this doesn't mean he isn't intelligent, but he will always have difficulty with pragmatics. Having a set alternative such as you described is very appropriate, because while children with Asperger's may learn the rules for life, they have difficulty knowing when to apply the rules, they learn by rote, so they have to learn both the rules by rote and behaviors by rote, thus when dad can't transport a child who is old enough to travel on his own, your child has to have a plan or ritual to follow. It makes sure he goes to a familar place where he should feel safe and dad won't have to search or involve the police to look for him when he wonders off or get's into trouble.

He may have overcome some speach impediments, but he will always have some oddities of speach that you will learn to accept as "normal" for him but which society in general won't and will set him apart. This is one of the areas of social interaction that persons with Asperger's usually share and why speach problems are a part of the assessment criteria.

Both children are old enough to take the bus and it is good to have a plan in place, for a safe place to go. Here you are complaining that you want sole custody yet don't want the children or don't want them to have a safe place for them to go if dad is delayed. As you said you and dad only live 3 minutes apart. Many parents with shared custody have first right of refusal for child care which seems most appropriate here because of your special needs child.

You have made plans for children's activities during dad's time, if dad can't transport them, then it is your responsibility. The alternative is to not make plans for the children during dad's time. He is not saying that she can't go, but it is not reasonable to expect him to have you controlling his time. Do like other working parents do and make arrangements with other parents involved in the activities to transport children or let the children take responsibility to walk. Children will get to activities if they want to be involved, BTDT. If your daughter has a weight problem, walking may be a good form of exercise, if your son has Asperger's, walking will be good for his coordination.

Just because dad want's 7/7 custody doesn't mean you won't be entitled to be awarded some child support. You seem confused about many issues and how the courts work.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Oh, I meant to comment on the bus thing. My kids both ride the bus to and from school. When they were younger, there was always a plan in case I wasn't at the stop - who to go home with. Stuff happens. It seems more responsible than not to have a back-up plan.
 

BelizeBreeze

Senior Member
Jadednomore05 said:
As to the comment he is "Stepping up to the plate with the children" no he is not. He states, only 3 wks before we go to court, that he wants his 7/7. Anyone who could be fooled that he is wanting to contribute or enhance his childrens lives is clearly blind. My son has strict guidelines that he must adhere to in order to maintain what others do easily in life. Yes he is frustrating, he is also loving, intelligent and wonderful to be around. My life is better for knowing both my children. My son has over come Luekimia, a speech impediment and now this. To tell someone who has overcome so much in their life they are stupid & lazy, shows that their father must need to do more soul searching than humanly possible at this point to be a good father. I did not ask for Child support before, to avoid the conflict and harm that I knew would come to my children. As for him stepping up to the plate, he told my children on his weeks, to ride the bus to my house, if he was not at the bus stop to pick them up to just go to mom's house ill pick up there. This is not being a responsible adult, it is using my home as a babysitter service. He is too busy for my daughter to do the school play, if i dont pick her up from practice on his weeks, she will not be able to be in the play. It CONFLICTS with his schedule, so i think the plate that u referred to him stepping up to is slightly chipped and in need of some serious repair. Thank you. :(
Well then here is a fair solution. GIVE HIM Custody of the kids and YOU pay support.

Then you won't have all of these issues.
 

Jadednomore05

Junior Member
I am not mad or angry at anyone on here, they are allowed their opinions. I am simply clarifying the situation for anyone who might have misunderstood. This is a message board full of strangers, to be angry at anyone on it would be a waste of someones time. :) :rolleyes: :p
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
Jadednomore05 said:
As to the comment he is "Stepping up to the plate with the children" no he is not. He states, only 3 wks before we go to court, that he wants his 7/7. Anyone who could be fooled that he is wanting to contribute or enhance his childrens lives is clearly blind. My son has strict guidelines that he must adhere to in order to maintain what others do easily in life. Yes he is frustrating, he is also loving, intelligent and wonderful to be around. My life is better for knowing both my children. My son has over come Luekimia, a speech impediment and now this. To tell someone who has overcome so much in their life they are stupid & lazy, shows that their father must need to do more soul searching than humanly possible at this point to be a good father. I did not ask for Child support before, to avoid the conflict and harm that I knew would come to my children. As for him stepping up to the plate, he told my children on his weeks, to ride the bus to my house, if he was not at the bus stop to pick them up to just go to mom's house ill pick up there. This is not being a responsible adult, it is using my home as a babysitter service. He is too busy for my daughter to do the school play, if i dont pick her up from practice on his weeks, she will not be able to be in the play. It CONFLICTS with his schedule, so i think the plate that u referred to him stepping up to is slightly chipped and in need of some serious repair. Thank you. :(
I agree that what dad is doing to the children is appalling. I also don't agree that dad is "stepping up to the plate"...its obvious that its about money.

However....everybody is correct that until you get custody modified, dad has every legal right to follow the orders that are in place now. You need to find some way to retainer an attorney quickly.
 

rmet4nzkx

Senior Member
BelizeBreeze said:
Well then here is a fair solution. GIVE HIM Custody of the kids and YOU pay support.

Then you won't have all of these issues.
OH! Breeze, You are such a Soloman, why didn't I think of that first :) Oh right, I said "Until your court date, you must abide by the existing court order.
.....
There is no simple answer to this situation, to make it work, but if he is exercising his custody as per the order, he can keep them during his time." I said, "simple" as opposed to "fair". :D
 
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