do i have to force him?

[irritatedbyex]

What is the name of your state? Ohio
Do I have to force my 13 yo to go to his mothers house or talk to her on the phone? Up until now my wife has bribed my son to go to his mothers house and talk to her on the phone. (She was worried about the relationship between mother and sons for fear that they would hate her.) My son doesn't want to go to her house because he says that they make him feel guilty for wanting to live with me and my wife for the simple fact that he calls my wife mom because she is really the only mom he has ever known. His biggest reason for not wanting to go there is because he says he doesn't want to turn out like his brother. His mother is addicted to Xanax pills and is zombied out 90% of the time, his brother makes fun of him for not wanting to smoke, drink, do drugs, drive his mothers car, and steal things off of people (bikes,money etc...) she can't control the 14 yo and has signed him out of school, because she says she can't make him go... a 14 yo drop out. When I can get him to talk to her on the phone he will only talk for less than 30 seconds and wants off, has my wife say she has to use the phone. When he is not here to talk to her my wife won't answer the phone and recieves nasty messages on the machine cursing her and saying she is not his mother, which is causing problems with me and my wife because she knows she has no legal rights to a son who she has loved and cared for as her own since he was 1 1/2.

Just like they say it takes more than the sperm to be a daddy, it takes more than the egg to be a mommy.....

 

[hexeliebe]

As a divorced father, daddy and all around man I wish I could side with you. But I, and the court, can't. You have a visitation and custody order and you have to follow it.

However, since your son is 13, he's old enough to understand a few things, and this is where you come in. Yes, it's tough for him when his brother and other family members make fun of him and chide him for chosing to live with you.

But he's old enough to make his own decisions and this is the time that he will be developing his own moral code and standards. Take him aside and let him know you understand how tough it is for him, but that you have no other recourse in this matter.

Let him know you will support him and also impress upon him that all through life he will have obligations that he may not like, but will have to meet.

And also let him know it's o.k. to feel whatever he's feeling. Even if he makes mistakes, because he's a human being.

 

[irritatedbyex]

Isn't there something that my son can do though? He has stolen and smoked over there just so he didn't get made fun of. I just want my son to be happy and not have to worry about them kind of things. My son is 13, he should only have to worry about what kind of things he's going to do that day with his friends not how he's going to stay out of trouble when he goes over there.
My son knows that it's ok to feel the feelings he's having, all he wants is our help to make it better.
Not to mention his mother has told him she wants him just so my wife can't have anything to with him and she just wants the child support that would come with him. Why should he have to deal with that?

 

[hexeliebe]

unfortunately, no, there's nothing he can do. The order of the court takes prescedence.

He has stolen and smoked over there just so he didn't get made fun of.My son is 13, he should only have to worry about what kind of things he's going to do that day with his friends not how he's going to stay out of trouble when he goes over there

the point is, he does have to worry about these things every day of his life, whether he's 13, 30 or one day before he dies. It's a sad fact of life.

From what you wrote it's apparant that he DOESN'T know it's o.k. to say no, no matter the consequences. And that goes for his mother also.

How can I give you this kind of answer? Because I'm a man who faces the same thing every day. My only saving grace is that I have these talks every day with my daughters and although they stumble and make mistakes, they know I still love them.

Have you even thought of counseling for your son? And go with him. Instead of looking for a way out, look for a way to cope.

I'm not going to sugget anything illegal just because you're a man. The sad truth is, his mother has the same rights to him as you do and until he's 18 and is an adult, the court, because the two of you are divorced, has say over how and when he is to visit.

So, the only thing he and you have control over is how he deals with the situation. Either help him to become his own man or not.

 

[irritatedbyex]

This is the wife of irritatedbyex... I just read what was written and by no means are we looking for an iilegal way out. My husband just doesn't word things very well, we are wanting to know basically if you could get a modification of visitation. My STEPSON needs to know that if he feels that he's in a dangerous situation that he can call us without his mother telling him "no" (like she has in the past) and that he doesn't have to stay with her when her and her bf of the week are fist fighting and throwing things around the house. I love this boy very much and when he's hurting I'm hurting, neither of us like that feeling.. but, it's something I choose as a stepmother to do... and it's the only thing as a STEPMOTHER I can do......

 

[VeronicaGia]

He can ask the court to modify visitation. However, if he denies her court ordered right to visitation, in some cases it can lead to a change in custody.

Follow the court order. If you want to try to get it changed, do it, but until it is changed, it must be followed.

 

[stealth2]

If the bioMom & b/f are having a fistfight - he can call the police. The best bet is to get a modification of the order, cause as long as there is one for visitation - he has to go.

Also... Be careful of allowing him to use your need to use the phone as an excuse to not talk to his bioMom - she could use that against you as proof of alienation if she wanted to.