Do I have to have a change in circumstance?

[olhobbes]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA

I think I know the answer, but I wanted to double check.

Current custody arrangement in place for two years ( well longer really, but legally for 2 years ); 50/50 time, week on/week off. Child goes to school in Mom's town, I ( father ) drive 45 minutes one way to take child to school and pick child up ( so about 3 hours a day during the school year ). More data available in posting hx, although I can reiterate anything here if it's helpful. Child is 9 years old.

I am actively involved in child's school ( volunteer in class every week, attend all teacher meetings, on several school board committees ). Child has several extracurricular activities during my parenting time.

Mom doesn't participate in any school functions ( including all parent teacher meetings ), and does not have child in any extracurricular activities on her parenting time ( in fact, she doesn't attend any of the child's activities. I make sure to keep her informed as to the activity schedule via email and txt ). During the past two years, mom has moved 3 times. In part because her then-husband's drinking and violence. No police records, unfortunately, but I know because mom told me ( which means nothing, I know ).

What I'm wondering is does the child have to have a change of circumstance to have a hope of getting a custody change? Our child's schoolwork suffers during mom's parenting time, but as I spend my parenting time catching our child up it never shows on the report card ( aside from random assignments here and there not getting turned in ). My goal is to bring child back to a school in my area to allow for stability and consistency, which I am currently unable to provide given the current schedule.

My guess is that no; none of the above would qualify, and that the case could be thrown out on the grounds that there hasn't been a significant change in circumstances for the child. But I wanted to check to be sure.

Give me the harshest criticism you can, I need a differing perspective. Anything to do what's best for my child.

 

[Isis1]

look, i'll be blunt. if the child CAN catch up a week's worth of work on your parenting time, then the child is fine.

not volunteering is not a reason to attack mom. i don't go to back to school nights because crowds give me the heebee geebees. i prefer the teachers sole attention to focus rather than having to compete with the other parents for time. i don't go on committees because i can't stand the drama that comes with hanging around other gossipy parents. i ain't got time for dat!

mom can simply deny her ever saying there was violence in the home. so next time...encourage to seek help if she finds herself in a situation.

 

[CJane]

Yes, you'd need one. No, I don't think you have anything that comes close to constituting that. What you have are parenting differences that you would have if you and Mom were still together.

I try to think of it this way "If I were still married to X, and he didn't want to attend sporting events, would it be a deal-breaker?" or "If I were still married to X, and I was the only one who ever helped with homework, would that be a deal-breaker?"... see what I'm getting at? A judge doesn't particularly care if one parent attends more/all of the parent teacher conferences, or if one parent coaches every sport and sells garbage bags out the wazoo for fundraisers and the other parent is "meh" about the whole thing.

And, saying "I want to uproot the child from school so that I can provide the child with stability" is a non-starter.

 

[outhouse]

Your actually lucky you have the time you do.


Saying your a better parent then another good parent, is not a change of circumstance of any kind and does not warrant a change.




You want to do what's best for the child? quit being so selfish, 1.5 hours a day in a car is not in the childs best interest "IF" the other parent is only 10 minutes away from the childs school.

 

[olhobbes]

I appreciate the words and perspectives, thank you...despite confirming what I feared.

So thank you.

 

[stealth2]

While I agree with the replies you received, I want to give you props for (a) recognizing the reality of the situation and (b) being polite about it. Well done!

 

[Just Blue]

I appreciate the words and perspectives, thank you...despite confirming what I feared.

So thank you.

I want to give you "props" as well. VERY well done!

 

[commentator]

Well, from another point of view, and the poster did ask us to give it to him straight, I would be, if I were in a decision making place in this case, I might be a little bit put off by the "I'm such a good parent, Mom is such a faulty one" tone I hear here. Beating the "I'm active in the child's school activities" issue so hard doesn't work well, IMHO. It reminds me of a case I saw one time, where parents were trying to out parent each other, and they actually had to mediate who got to do what school activity with the child. ("I'll do the class Halloween party, you do the class Christmas party!")

I agree it is a wonderful thing that OP wants to be there through all the child's school activities. But then we even get down to mentioning how hard it is on him to have to make that 45 minute drive to get there. And I agree with another point raised, how can you say the child is seriously behind if there is catching up that can be done in a few days of close supervising and monitoring?

Many people were not raised by very caring and involved parents, especially parents who were involved in their school activities. This does not mean they are not trying to be good parents, it just means they don't have a value for or know how to be involved in the child's education. They may have a different way of being a good parent, or be too busy doing other things that may be just as virtuous.

Since you have this understanding of the importance of school participation, you should exercise it, not use it as a tool to take this child away from Mom. I'll bet she regrets confiding in you about those past problems, as you are now going to use them as a stick to whack her with. This is poor co parenting. Especially when you throw it into the mix some time after it happened, and the problem is probably resolved by now. It will not make you look like a better parent to throw in the kitchen sink like this. No, there's no change of circumstances here.

 

[olhobbes]

While I agree with the replies you received, I want to give you props for (a) recognizing the reality of the situation and (b) being polite about it. Well done!

Thank you. My goal, as ever, is to do what's best for our child. It's been a learning process over the past couple years, but I like to think I've made progress.

Of course if all you have is an echo chamber you don't learn, which is why contrary perspectives are so critical to the process ( sometimes radically contrary perspectives, where available ).

Anyway, thank you all.