Documenting what children say?

[killerzoey]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? HI

Our 4 yo says things quite frequently that indicate (to me, at least) that her father is discussing inappropriate things with her. This includes making me the bad guy for her not being allowed to spend the night with him, and blaming me for the breakup. She says "Daddy says he didn't fight. But YOU did". She has said this repeatedly over the course of several weeks, making me think he probably says this a lot to her. Sometimes she tells me that she is mad at me after telling me things that Daddy said. There are more examples than this.

Should I try to hit "record" when she starts saying this stuff, or just document it? This is a "one-party" state as far as recording audio.

I will do my best to have something put in the court order saying we are not to talk about certain things with the children. Given that he doesn't listen to anyone (he's already been told repeatedly by me and others to stop this stuff) I expect to be in court on contempt on this in the coming months or years. I want to know what is the best way to show the court his ongoing behavior.

Thanks.

 

[forthecause]

I dont think you want to record things your child says...they may take it as you are forcing information out of them.

Best thing is to see if anyone else has overseen or heard this behavior and testify

 

[CJane]

Very honestly, your best course of action in the immediate future is to get a guardian ad litem involved in your case.

As a secondary step, and more long term, is counseling/coping skills for the child. You'll NEVER be able to change the way he talks about you - that's something he'll have to figure out how to be a grown up about on his own... and it's really almost never going to be a contempt issue.

Yes, yes, it will be a violation of the order. But do you REALLY want to travel back to HI for court every time your ex shows his ass?

 

[forthecause]

As a secondary step, and more long term, is counseling/coping skills for the child. You'll NEVER be able to change the way he talks about you - that's something he'll have to figure out how to be a grown up about on his own... and it's really almost never going to be a contempt issue.

Forgot that one, but that is recommended. I enrolled me and my kids in counseling immediatly upon seperation and there are things she is writing in a statement for the courts that the judge will need to hear. Things like mom bad mouthing me and she actually told my daughter once to "keep a secret or I would no longer be her daddy"

 

[killerzoey]

Thank you both.

The more I learn the more I think a guardian ad litem seems like it should have been suggested by my attorney months ago.

I have no idea why we're so far into this and have yet to even talk about getting a G.A.L. or have a temporary visitaiton/custody order.

I have scheduled our daughter for counseling. I hope that's ok to do unilaterally. Point well taken about this sort of stuff not being well handled via the contempt route.

 

[mom482]

you should educate yourself, read books like Divorce Poison. It helps to make sure you aren't returning htat behavior unintentionally (even the best parents do it and don't realize it) - and the other option is to request the court order coparenting. in the majority of cases if a parent is continually held accoutable they let up on the behavior, if nothing else to get out of the coparenting sessions. his behavior unfortunately is quite common - he needs to learn to love the child more than he hates you and and he will stop acting so stupid in front of the child.
but you have to realize that this will probably always occur, the best you can hope for is that it will let up quite a bit. you need to learn that your reaction is as important if not more so than what he is doing to the child. so reading up or getting counseling yourself to help w/ how you cope w/ hearing the child say these things to you will benefit your child.

 

[killerzoey]

Thanks. I have ordered "Divorce Poison" and will see what it has to say!