Domestic violence

[olhobbes]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA

Background:
Mom got married and moved in with a guy almost a year ago. 6 months later she moved out. Daughter ( spontaneously ) tells me that they had to move out due to step-dad's temper. She also tells me that there were a few times she would hide in her room because of his temper. Prior to this I had only known of a single argument where mom felt the need to leave the house for the weekend, but after she moved out our daughter relayed more instances like this.

Fast forward several months, and now mom is looking to move back in with him. I am, understandably I feel, concerned about the environment my daughter will again be placed in, and am wondering what generic criteria the courts have for domestic violence and change of custody*. I think our daughter was exposed to shouting and slamming objects. We have a CO in place that specifies 50/50 custody.

* It's worth noting I do not want to pursue this route as our daughter needs both of us, but I feel it prudent to research so I can be ready to act to protect her if necessary.

 

[lala0024]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA

Background:
Mom got married and moved in with a guy almost a year ago. 6 months later she moved out. Daughter ( spontaneously ) tells me that they had to move out due to step-dad's temper. She also tells me that there were a few times she would hide in her room because of his temper. Prior to this I had only known of a single argument where mom felt the need to leave the house for the weekend, but after she moved out our daughter relayed more instances like this.

Fast forward several months, and now mom is looking to move back in with him. I am, understandably I feel, concerned about the environment my daughter will again be placed in, and am wondering what generic criteria the courts have for domestic violence and change of custody*. I think our daughter was exposed to shouting and slamming objects. We have a CO in place that specifies 50/50 custody.

* It's worth noting I do not want to pursue this route as our daughter needs both of us, but I feel it prudent to research so I can be ready to act to protect her if necessary.

I'd be concerned too. It doesn't sound like a place for a kid to grow up. Are there any domestic abuse reports on file with the police department? Has your daughter suffered from any physical or emotional abuse?

 

[olhobbes]

I'd be concerned too. It doesn't sound like a place for a kid to grow up. Are there any domestic abuse reports on file with the police department? Has your daughter suffered from any physical or emotional abuse?

Aside from being afraid of what amounts to temper tantrums, no abuse that I know of ( fortunately ). I feel this, itself, constitutes abuse, but I don't know what the court's tolerance is.

From what I can tell, mom didn't file any reports ( police, court or otherwise ).

 

[Proserpina]

No police reports, or CPS reports = it didn't happen.

(That's unfortunately the legal reality).

I don't personally think you have anywhere near enough to change custody (assuming that's what you want?).

And for what it's worth, the courts do recognize that couples often fight/argue. That's not necessarily abuse of any sort, even if kiddo is present. Now if kiddo is present during a domestic violence incident (and Mom and stepdad arguing doesn't generally constitute that) which gets reported and is documented, that's different.

 

[olhobbes]

No police reports, or CPS reports = it didn't happen.

(That's unfortunately the legal reality).

I don't personally think you have anywhere near enough to change custody (assuming that's what you want?).

And for what it's worth, the courts do recognize that couples often fight/argue. That's not necessarily abuse of any sort, even if kiddo is present. Now if kiddo is present during a domestic violence incident (and Mom and stepdad arguing doesn't generally constitute that) which gets reported and is documented, that's different.

I'd rather not pursue a change in custody, but if he resumes his behavior I would like to have something I could exercise to protect my daughter. However, it sounds like without legal record it doesn't exist. Which I understand ( otherwise any wild story could be the basis for a change in custody ), but it does nothing to alleviate my trepidation of the situation.

Hopefully if he can't control his behavior, he follows a gradual elevation of violence that allows me sufficient time to act.

 

[breezymom]

Hopefully if he can't control his behavior, he follows a gradual elevation of violence that allows me sufficient time to act.

Usually, if it IS domestic violence that is the situation, here, there should be some...SOME...sort of gradual elevation. When they do move back in together, if it is and abusive situation, there will be the "honeymoon period" where things will go nearly wonderful until everything escalates into the abusive portion, again.

Most likely, unless it is reported by a neighbor or outside source, like a hospital, and it's physical, if there is abuse happening, it probably won't be reported by your ex unless she eventually makes that decision to get out and at least try to stay out more permanently.

I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but hopefully she knows to dial 911 if needed and with any violent situation, no matter where she is, she should probably know never to try to run to a bathroom or kitchen. (Approach this as a general safety thing in case something happens, no matter where she is/what kind of building she is in, etc.) I wouldn't approach it as just being a safety thing at Mom's, but in general.

Sorry for a bit of repetition...damn headache is killing me.

 

[olhobbes]

No worries, breezy, I understood your post. And thank you, I appreciate your insight ( same goes for you Pro. I forgot to say it previously ).

I've done some basic coaching with my daughter, carefully avoiding address of specific situations. I just hope she a) never needs it, or b) can act on it if she does need it.