Elderly Grandparent is a Nightmare and Refuses to Go Into a Nursing Home

[RockyFire713]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

Hello, my mom is going through absolute torture taking care of her elderly mother with dementia that refuses to go into a nursing home. She is obstinate, throws things, and refuses to do pretty much anything (constantly recumbent). Sometimes she even refuses to take her proper medicines when we give them to her. She hurls mean and spiteful comments our way constantly. Our entire family has been living at her house for over a year since she needs 24/7 supervision on doctor's orders. It is tearing the family apart. Since grandma refuses to give mom POA, mom feels as though she is trapped in a never-ending cycle of servitude to her mother. Mom is also an only child so she feels she is legally obigated to take care of her mom. I don't know what to do. She is constantly upsetting everyone. Grandma is 91 and mom is turning 71 shortly. It's not healthy! Mom could easily get a heart attack from all the stress this is causing her. My grandmother is not the same woman I grew up knowing. She thinks her cat is the only thing that cares about her. Mom is retired and should be enjoying herself, instead she is going through hell taking care of a woman that won't do anything to help us let alone herself. We need a way to put Grandma in a nursing home because it has become way too much for us to handle. In home care is far too expensive. Mom wants to be able to turn the house over to the state if Grandma goes into a nursing home for the MediCaid option. Grandma refuses to give mom POA too. We have gone to the doctors with video evidence of what grandma does and it still does no good. We are in desperation to save our sanity.

Please help us! We are at our wits end!

 

[Zigner]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

Hello, my mom is going through absolute torture taking care of her elderly mother with dementia that refuses to go into a nursing home. She is obstinate, throws things, and refuses to do pretty much anything (constantly recumbent). Sometimes she even refuses to take her proper medicines when we give them to her. She hurls mean and spiteful comments our way constantly. Our entire family has been living at her house for over a year since she needs 24/7 supervision on doctor's orders. It is tearing the family apart. Since grandma refuses to give mom POA, mom feels as though she is trapped in a never-ending cycle of servitude to her mother. Mom is also an only child so she feels she is legally obigated to take care of her mom. I don't know what to do. She is constantly upsetting everyone. Grandma is 91 and mom is turning 71 shortly. It's not healthy! Mom could easily get a heart attack from all the stress this is causing her. My grandmother is not the same woman I grew up knowing. She thinks her cat is the only thing that cares about her. Mom is retired and should be enjoying herself, instead she is going through hell taking care of a woman that won't do anything to help us let alone herself. We need a way to put Grandma in a nursing home because it has become way too much for us to handle. In home care is far too expensive. Mom wants to be able to turn the house over to the state if Grandma goes into a nursing home for the MediCaid option. Grandma refuses to give mom POA too. We have gone to the doctors with video evidence of what grandma does and it still does no good. We are in desperation to save our sanity.

Please help us! We are at our wits end!

You (the ones taking care of grandma) should seek guardianship over grandma. You may wish to have a sit-down with an attorney familiar with elder care law.

 

[t74]

if there is a senior services agency in your area, you may be able to obtain referrals to professionals very familiar with the problem.

A person with dementia in a home environment is a danger to herself and others. (I know from experience; my mother nearly burned the house down.)

Your mother must understand it is in both her and her mother's best interests to place her mother is a specialized facility that can provide proper supervision.

 

[LdiJ]

You (the ones taking care of grandma) should seek guardianship over grandma. You may wish to have a sit-down with an attorney familiar with elder care law.

You can also seek support from elder social services in your area. They can sometimes help you navigate getting guardianship and getting the senior into a nursing home.

Also, if your grandmother has dementia its really too late to get a POA from her. She is probably not competent to give one.

On top of that, your grandmother acts the way that she acts because she is frightened. She know that something is wrong, she doesn't recognize the people around her and she doesn't understand what is happening, but understands that its not good.

That is exactly how it was with my father. He was not as bad as your grandmother but he came pretty close from time to time. Imagine being old and infirm, and not knowing the people around you, therefore not trusting the people around you? I had a hint of that when I was hospitalized a year and a half ago and I hope to never live through that sensation again. It was terrifying.

Your grandmother will react to kindness much better than impatience. She will trust better if she feels loved, even if she cannot remember why. YOUR mother will feel better if she feels fully supported in caring for your grandmother and if all of you shove her out of the house periodically for some time on her own.