Enforcing stipulations in parenting arrangement

[teach85]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? ILLINOIS

In the parenting arrangement between my ex (never married) and I it states...
While having visitation with the minor children (ex) will limit his intake of alcohol and will not have any girlfriends present.

These things were added to the arrangement because (1) he has behavioral issues that arise when drinking and (2) from the time I left him, January 09-June 10, he had rotated 10 different women in and out of his home while the children we present. (He only gets them every other weekend)

The problems are (1) he is still drinking heavily (according to my 7 year old) while the children are there and (2) He continues to have girlfriends around the children. The number of women has decreased, but he is still “rotating” them frequently. He managed to get one of these women pregnant with twins and has been on and off with her since she got pregnant. She has since had the babies.
(3) Has been in a “relationship” (I am using the word relationship loosely because he is still messing around with other women behind her back) with her since the babies were about 3 months or so. At first I didn’t make too big of a fuss about her being around my children on his weekends. I figured they are half sibling as deserve the right to know each other as such. But she is now practically living there and is turning into a step witch, so to say. She has made it very clear that she doesn’t care for my children and gets extremely jealous when he pays any attention to mine (they are 2 and 7). She is not happy unless her and her children are my ex’s #1 priority. She needs to realize that her children see him daily and when my two are there, that they only see him every other weekend and he should be giving them as much attention as he can.

I have made clear my concerns to my ex. The children do not like her and do not want to see her. I told my ex that unless he can get her under control I would be enforcing the no girlfriends around the kids. He tells me there isn’t anything I can do about it. Is he right? I clearly states otherwise in the agreement. Also what can I do about his drinking. It says he will limit his intake. How can you clarify what is over a limited amount. I worry about this because I know how he is when he is drunk and it is not pleasant for anyone! He screams yells, throws and breaks things! They have been woken up by this on several occasions (that I know of).

Any advice on what I can do to enforce the issue is greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance!

 

[InfantCustody]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? ILLINOIS

In the parenting arrangement between my ex (never married) and I it states...
While having visitation with the minor children (ex) will limit his intake of alcohol and will not have any girlfriends present.

These things were added to the arrangement because (1) he has behavioral issues that arise when drinking and (2) from the time I left him, January 09-June 10, he had rotated 10 different women in and out of his home while the children we present. (He only gets them every other weekend)

The problems are (1) he is still drinking heavily (according to my 7 year old) while the children are there and (2) He continues to have girlfriends around the children. The number of women has decreased, but he is still “rotating” them frequently. He managed to get one of these women pregnant with twins and has been on and off with her since she got pregnant. She has since had the babies.
(3) Has been in a “relationship” (I am using the word relationship loosely because he is still messing around with other women behind her back) with her since the babies were about 3 months or so. At first I didn’t make too big of a fuss about her being around my children on his weekends. I figured they are half sibling as deserve the right to know each other as such. But she is now practically living there and is turning into a step witch, so to say. She has made it very clear that she doesn’t care for my children and gets extremely jealous when he pays any attention to mine (they are 2 and 7). She is not happy unless her and her children are my ex’s #1 priority. She needs to realize that her children see him daily and when my two are there, that they only see him every other weekend and he should be giving them as much attention as he can.

I have made clear my concerns to my ex. The children do not like her and do not want to see her. I told my ex that unless he can get her under control I would be enforcing the no girlfriends around the kids. He tells me there isn’t anything I can do about it. Is he right? I clearly states otherwise in the agreement. Also what can I do about his drinking. It says he will limit his intake. How can you clarify what is over a limited amount. I worry about this because I know how he is when he is drunk and it is not pleasant for anyone! He screams yells, throws and breaks things! They have been woken up by this on several occasions (that I know of).

Any advice on what I can do to enforce the issue is greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance!

Did the court ORDER him to not have any girlfriends around the children, or is this something the two of you agreed to?

Is your parenting arrangement through the courts, or between the two of you?

IF the clause for "no girlfriends" is in the arrangement ordered through the court, you could attempt to take the matter back to court, but I can almost guarantee you the only thing that will happen is that the clause will be removed, so he is not violating the agreement. As it sounds (he sees his twins every day), he is living with the Mother of the twins, and he has two children with her.

A judge is NOT going to tell him the Mother of his infant twins, and his twins, have to leave while he has visitation of your children unless she is a danger to the children and nothing you have said would indicate that is the case. Perhaps your 7 year old is having adjustment issues to the twins, and the girlfriend, but that does not mean she should leave.

As far as his drinking, I am not certain how you would restrict that further, unless there are issues with the police being called due to domestic violence, drunk driving, or you have evidence of child abuse or neglect, etc. The word of a 7 and 2 year old are not going to even be heard, much less counted as credible in court.

Example: 7 year old says, when asked by Mom, "does your Dad drink when you are there?" Child says: "Yes, Daddy drinks all the time. He always has a drink in his hand." Maybe Daddy is drinking water, juice (not necessarily the special kind) or a Coke. 7 year olds are not known for accurate information. My 7 year old, when he was sick and at home with Grama, told me my infant son didn't get out of bed all day. Didn't eat all day. Just stayed in his crib. Well, he had food all over his clothes when I got home from work and was happy as a clam and awake. Clearly he had been up and eating, etc. BUT, my 7 year old had been napping and watching TV, so hadn't noticed his baby brother. Nothing he said was remotely close to accurate, and if I had taken his word as gospel, I would be horrified. Some perspective would be in order...

 

[InfantCustody]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? ILLINOIS

In the parenting arrangement between my ex (never married) and I it states...
While having visitation with the minor children (ex) will limit his intake of alcohol and will not have any girlfriends present.

These things were added to the arrangement because (1) he has behavioral issues that arise when drinking and (2) from the time I left him, January 09-June 10, he had rotated 10 different women in and out of his home while the children we present. (He only gets them every other weekend)

The problems are (1) he is still drinking heavily (according to my 7 year old) while the children are there and (2) He continues to have girlfriends around the children. The number of women has decreased, but he is still “rotating” them frequently. He managed to get one of these women pregnant with twins and has been on and off with her since she got pregnant. She has since had the babies.
(3) Has been in a “relationship” (I am using the word relationship loosely because he is still messing around with other women behind her back) with her since the babies were about 3 months or so. At first I didn’t make too big of a fuss about her being around my children on his weekends. I figured they are half sibling as deserve the right to know each other as such. But she is now practically living there and is turning into a step witch, so to say. She has made it very clear that she doesn’t care for my children and gets extremely jealous when he pays any attention to mine (they are 2 and 7). She is not happy unless her and her children are my ex’s #1 priority. She needs to realize that her children see him daily and when my two are there, that they only see him every other weekend and he should be giving them as much attention as he can.

I have made clear my concerns to my ex. The children do not like her and do not want to see her. I told my ex that unless he can get her under control I would be enforcing the no girlfriends around the kids. He tells me there isn’t anything I can do about it. Is he right? I clearly states otherwise in the agreement. Also what can I do about his drinking. It says he will limit his intake. How can you clarify what is over a limited amount. I worry about this because I know how he is when he is drunk and it is not pleasant for anyone! He screams yells, throws and breaks things! They have been woken up by this on several occasions (that I know of).

Any advice on what I can do to enforce the issue is greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance!

RE: The bolded. Your children are TWO AND SEVEN. They don't get to control Dad's relationships...perhaps YOU should be more supportive of Dad's relationship to the children and they may follow your lead. If she isn't the nicest person in the world to them...they are going to have to suck it up and learn to deal with it. Not everyone in life is going to be their best friend, but it doesn't mean they get to have the person banished from their lives... Unless she is a danger to them, it's life.

 

[mistoffolees]

As far as his drinking, I am not certain how you would restrict that further, unless there are issues with the police being called due to domestic violence, drunk driving, or you have evidence of child abuse or neglect, etc. The word of a 7 and 2 year old are not going to even be heard, much less counted as credible in court.

It's a useless clause, anyway:

Judge: "The order says you have to limit your drinking when you're around the kids. Did you limit your drinking?"

Ex: "Yes, your honor. I limited myself to one bottle of whiskey".

It's really hard to come up with any way to limit drinking. It's much easier to limit the behavior resulting from drinking. That is, no driving after drinking. No domestic violence. Etc. It IS possible to have a clause that says 'no drinking at all' when the kids are around but typically only with a solid medical diagnosis and it's hard to enforce.

 

[teach85]

Right now she isn't living there. She has her own place but is at his all the time. At first I did support their relationship because I don't want to interfere in them beig able to have a relationship with their half brother and sister, that wouldn't be fair to them. But them she started being hateful to them. How hard would it be for her to back off and let him spend time with his other two every other weekend with out her trying to micro manage everything and get pissy because he is spending him with my two instead of her and their children. I just feel she is being rediulously selfish. It is getting to the point the don't want to go because she is there. I tried to explain this to him. That they don't want to spend time with him because of her and if he don't put a stop to it, they are likely to grow up to resent his for letting her come between them. I guess I should just tell the kids to suck it up and when they resent him, that is on him for allowing those things to happen.

When it come to the drinking my 7 year old is quite aware of what alcohol is. Unfortunately, the last few month when my ex and I were together my children got to see what alcohol can make people do. He would stay gone till wee hours of the morning or not come home at all. When he finally came home he would come home ready to argue and fight. When I would refuse to argue with him it would only make it worse. He came home several time and destroyed things around the house. He got physical with me several time....he has punched me in my back, shoved me across the room, threated to beat the ****out of me while I was holdig our newborn daughter, etc. Unfortunately, he would wake the children up inthe procees or would do this in front of them. This is why I left. So my 7 year old DOES know what alcohol is and has a BIG PROBLEM with his dad drinking because he knows what happens.

 

[LdiJ]

Right now she isn't living there. She has her own place but is at his all the time. At first I did support their relationship because I don't want to interfere in them beig able to have a relationship with their half brother and sister, that wouldn't be fair to them. But them she started being hateful to them. How hard would it be for her to back off and let him spend time with his other two every other weekend with out her trying to micro manage everything and get pissy because he is spending him with my two instead of her and their children. I just feel she is being rediulously selfish. It is getting to the point the don't want to go because she is there. I tried to explain this to him. That they don't want to spend time with him because of her and if he don't put a stop to it, they are likely to grow up to resent his for letting her come between them. I guess I should just tell the kids to suck it up and when they resent him, that is on him for allowing those things to happen.

She may not be being as selfish as you think. It has to be extremely difficult to care for infant twins, and I can imagine that she both needs and wants the help of their father.

When it come to the drinking my 7 year old is quite aware of what alcohol is. Unfortunately, the last few month when my ex and I were together my children got to see what alcohol can make people do. He would stay gone till wee hours of the morning or not come home at all. When he finally came home he would come home ready to argue and fight. When I would refuse to argue with him it would only make it worse. He came home several time and destroyed things around the house. He got physical with me several time....he has punched me in my back, shoved me across the room, threated to beat the ****out of me while I was holdig our newborn daughter, etc. Unfortunately, he would wake the children up inthe procees or would do this in front of them. This is why I left. So my 7 year old DOES know what alcohol is and has a BIG PROBLEM with his dad drinking because he knows what happens.

He may also be doing that to her too instead of providing her with the help she needs with the twins? Another reason why she may resent the added burden of your children being there?

 

[teach85]

I'm sure it is hard; however she did it the first few months all by herself because she wouldn’t let my ex see his kid. Just some examples of how she is to the kids… When arriving back at my ex’s place the youngest was very excited to see that grandma and auntie were there and ran inside to see them. His girlfriend starts yelling at her “Get back over here now and get your things (her blanky, bag of clothes and toy she took with her) I’m not you maid nor your mother” and then dropped her things on the ground and leaves them there...my 2 year old and ex fell asleep together in the rocking chair and she went off because he wasn't in bed with her when she wanted to go to bed...She makes it clear that her children come first (including the older two that AREN'T his)...When my 2 year old woke up in the morning she crawled in bed with daddy (she always want to cuddle for a good 20 mins bit before getting up) and girlfriend throws a fit and storms out of the room whining like a child...Oldest told his grandma when asked why he sat in his room all day that, She (gf) gets mad when I play with dad so it's easier to sit in here and play my games (he sit infont of a tv playing video games the whole time he is there)...these are just the things I have been told by his mother and sister who were disgusted by the way she treated my two when they were there for that weekend visiting.

 

[teach85]

From reading your responses and what I have read researching the morality clause on line, there isn't much I can do about girlfriend, correct? I guess that will be on him later down the line.

But what about the drinking? This is a BIG concern for me and for my 7 years old!

 

[teach85]

RE: The bolded. Your children are TWO AND SEVEN. They don't get to control Dad's relationships...perhaps YOU should be more supportive of Dad's relationship to the children and they may follow your lead. If she isn't the nicest person in the world to them...they are going to have to suck it up and learn to deal with it. Not everyone in life is going to be their best friend, but it doesn't mean they get to have the person banished from their lives... Unless she is a danger to them, it's life.

Yes it is life. As a mother it kills me though to see someone treating my kids the way she does! My ex grew up with a horrible step mother and I just don't see how he doesn't wan to keep his children from going through the same things he did as a child! He knows what it is like and resents his dad to this day.

 

[Silverplum]

I'm sure it is hard; however she did it the first few months all by herself because she wouldn’t let my ex see his kid. Just some examples of how she is to the kids… When arriving back at my ex’s place the youngest was very excited to see that grandma and auntie were there and ran inside to see them. His girlfriend starts yelling at her “Get back over here now and get your things (her blanky, bag of clothes and toy she took with her) I’m not you maid nor your mother” and then dropped her things on the ground and leaves them there...my 2 year old and ex fell asleep together in the rocking chair and she went off because he wasn't in bed with her when she wanted to go to bed...She makes it clear that her children come first (including the older two that AREN'T his)...When my 2 year old woke up in the morning she crawled in bed with daddy (she always want to cuddle for a good 20 mins bit before getting up) and girlfriend throws a fit and storms out of the room whining like a child...Oldest told his grandma when asked why he sat in his room all day that, She (gf) gets mad when I play with dad so it's easier to sit in here and play my games (he sit infont of a tv playing video games the whole time he is there)...these are just the things I have been told by his mother and sister who were disgusted by the way she treated my two when they were there for that weekend visiting.

The bedroom story is not something that you should know...and I highly doubt your 2 year old told you the story in that manner. You're embellishing, and that damages your credibility.

(Frankly, stepmothers are SO demonized for creating loving relationships with their stepchildren -- here's what you get otherwise. )

 

[teach85]

The bedroom story is not something that you should know...and I highly doubt your 2 year old told you the story in that manner. You're embellishing, and that damages your credibility.

(Frankly, stepmothers are SO demonized for creating loving relationships with their stepchildren -- here's what you get otherwise. )

As I stated above, my two year old didn't tell me the bedroom story. MY ex's mother and sister who were there visiting for the weekend did. That is what they told me. And she is NOT their STEPMOTHER. She is one one dad's many girlfriends. If she where not behaving the way she is I wouldn't have an issue with it. While I'm getting from what I read here isn't much I can do about girlfriend,that doesn't make the way she is treating my children right! If your chidlren were being treat that way I'm sure you don't be happy about it either.

 

[LdiJ]

As I stated above, my two year old didn't tell me the bedroom story. MY ex's mother and sister who were there visiting for the weekend did. That is what they told me. And she is NOT their STEPMOTHER. She is one one dad's many girlfriends. If she where not behaving the way she is I wouldn't have an issue with it. While I'm getting from what I read here isn't much I can do about girlfriend,that doesn't make the way she is treating my children right! If your chidlren were being treat that way I'm sure you don't be happy about it either.

No, none of us would be happy about it either. However, other than finding a very civil way to discuss the problem with dad, there really isn't anything that you can do about it at this point.

 

[Silverplum]

As I stated above, my two year old didn't tell me the bedroom story. MY ex's mother and sister who were there visiting for the weekend did. That is what they told me.

Got it.

And she is NOT their STEPMOTHER. She is one one dad's many girlfriends.

Who happens to have as many children with him as you do.

If she where not behaving the way she is I wouldn't have an issue with it. While I'm getting from what I read here isn't much I can do about girlfriend,that doesn't make the way she is treating my children right! If your chidlren were being treat that way I'm sure you don't be happy about it either.

Nope. I wouldn't.

MY point in this thread was that bazillions of posters here whine about the stepmothers being "too loving" to the stepchildren and THIS is the other side. Though it happened in YOUR thread, my point has nearly nothing to do with YOU. Sorry 'bout that.

 

[teach85]

I've tried discussing it with my ex and he could careless. So that will be on him later, when they recent him for letting it go on! Setting this issue aside, can anyone answer what I can do about his drinking? This is a BIG concern for me and for my 7 years old!

 

[Silverplum]

I've tried discussing it with my ex and he could careless. So that will be on him later, when they recent him for letting it go on! Setting this issue aside, can anyone answer what I can do about his drinking? This is a BIG concern for me and for my 7 years old!

You can't control him any more. Short of getting some majorly unrealistic court orders that allow you to breathalyze him every 30 minutes of his parenting time, I don't know what you can do.

What you can do is stop involving your 7 y.o. as a spy in his father's home. You can teach the 7 y.o. how to handle unpleasant situations.