Ex is contraditing and confusing me about visitation...

[amber85]

I am a resident of Kansas, and my Ex is resident of Nebraska.

My ex was out of the country for 2 yrs waiting for his residency while I raised the 2 kids. We have been separated since July 2009. He returned in April 2011. In July 2011 agreed upon a parenting plan: The children (3yr girl, 6yr boy) would stay with me, he has visitation every other weekend, and for the 3 months during the summer (while I have the weekend visitation).

For the First July, I let him take the kids to his brother's where he was going to live with the agreement that he would have them for the rest of the summer as we had agreed since I had military training for most of Aug. He called 2 weeks later asking if I could pick up the kids. (My son has autism so he is a bit difficult if he is not on a strict schedule.) He said that he could not do it since he was saying at his brothers and there wasn't enough room, that the kids cost too much, and that they were fighting with his brothers kids (boy 7yr, girl 5 yr). I picked them up without saying anything, but we were still agreed upon his visitation every other weekend.

He has had a car for 2 months, but has yet to pick up the kids for his visitation "since I won't come stay with them". He lives 3 hrs away. I even took the kids up to him in sep for the weekend so that they could see him but made him mad because I stayed in a hotel (lol). He did not call my son on his birthday or first day of school (as a mother this was important). He will only call me when he knows that the children are in bed, or I am away for training. He has not talked to his children for a month now. We have an agreed set child support which he was paying with the exception of Nov (which I don't mind because he needed it for other bills).

I offered to bring him the kids over Christmas break since they will be out of school, and he said that he could not drive down to pick them up "because it might be snowing". He does not want them because he said that it would be too crowded in the house, and that he was looking for his own place. There is his brother, sister-in-law, niece, and nephew living in a small (900ft) 2bdrm house. He stays in an unfinished basement room with only room for a bed, and dresser.


Now to the problem: He called me and said that he wanted the children for the whole summer with me having visitation every other weekend (if I came to his house for the visitation), but that he would continue to live in his brothers unfinished basement, and continue to work 60hrs a week (he has set overtime). When he left, he was supposed to find a safe, secure, calm home for the children, especially since my son is autistic. When I expressed my concerns about so many people in a little space he said that if it didn't work out, he would move to his sisters which would be 3 adults and 3 children in a 2bdrm trailer.

We filed all of the divorce papers as an agreed upon divorce as I have not seen a problem until now. The final court hearing is at the end of this month. Do I bring it up that he keeps going back and forth on his word? I don't want to bring lawyers into it for fear that he will back out, and fight me for the divorce. He keeps telling me that we need to get back together. That would only make him happy to draw the divorce out longer.

I feel like he is just using the kids as a string to me, and is playing with my plans because he can (since he refuses to call them). I have stopped answering his calls when not with the children. Because he does not talk to them very often, my daughter will not talk to him on the phone, and is very limited with him in person saying that she wants her other "daddy" (My fiance). I am trying to make this joint custody work, and am always telling the kids that their father loves them, but am truly unsure of that myself. Am I crazy for trying to make this work for the kids, or is a losing battle?

 

[Proserpina]

"other daddy"?

Amber, how many threads have you deleted here? I'm purely curious.

 

[amber85]

She calls my fiance her other father. The kids pushed that themselves since he has been in their lives for a year and a half rasing them.

As far as deleting threads... This is my very first post on here so I am confused by that..

 

[cyjeff]

This is why you need court orders. It eliminates the drama.

File for child support. Tell him that you won't be bringing the children until he gets a judge to tell you to do so and that YOUR attendance is not part of the package.

Then, you wait to see what the judge says.

You two are creating way too much drama in your children's lives. Just stop.

 

[Proserpina]

She calls my fiance her other father. The kids pushed that themselves since he has been in their lives for a year and a half rasing them.

As far as deleting threads... This is my very first post on here so I am confused by that..

Remind your child that your fiance is not her father.

The reason I asked is because you registered 2 years ago. And this is your first thread.

Unusual, to say the least.

 

[amber85]

I do tell them that my fiance is not "The only" father, but he is a father figure so who am I to tell them that he is not a second father. I grew up with both a step-father and step-mother who I recognized as my second father and second mother. I figured that as long as they knew who their true father was, there is not a problem.

I'm not sure why I never posted back in 2009. I did not remember registering until I tried to register today.

I do not fight in front of the children, nor do I bring drama into the household. That is what I'm trying to avoid, and am need of ideals on how to eliminate it.

 

[Isis1]

I do tell them that my fiance is not "The only" father, but he is a father figure so who am I to tell them that he is not a second father. I grew up with both a step-father and step-mother who I recognized as my second father and second mother. I figured that as long as they knew who their true father was, there is not a problem.

I'm not sure why I never posted back in 2009. I did not remember registering until I tried to register today.

I do not fight in front of the children, nor do I bring drama into the household. That is what I'm trying to avoid, and am need of ideals on how to eliminate it.

court order. definitely a court order would eliminate the drama.

 

[Ohiogal]

I do tell them that my fiance is not "The only" father, but he is a father figure so who am I to tell them that he is not a second father. I grew up with both a step-father and step-mother who I recognized as my second father and second mother. I figured that as long as they knew who their true father was, there is not a problem.

I'm not sure why I never posted back in 2009. I did not remember registering until I tried to register today.

I do not fight in front of the children, nor do I bring drama into the household. That is what I'm trying to avoid, and am need of ideals on how to eliminate it.

Your fiance is NOT a father to them at all. He is the man you sleep with. End of story. He is NOT their father.

 

[mistoffolees]

Your fiance is NOT a father to them at all. He is the man you sleep with. End of story. He is NOT their father.

This is important. He's not their father. He's not their 'other father'. He's not even their stepfather.

You need to realize that by letting that continue, the kids' father can use it against you. In extreme cases, it could even cause you to lose custody. The father deserves to be treated with respect - which includes not letting the kids call someone else their father.

 

[LdiJ]

I am a resident of Kansas, and my Ex is resident of Nebraska.

My ex was out of the country for 2 yrs waiting for his residency while I raised the 2 kids. We have been separated since July 2009. He returned in April 2011. In July 2011 agreed upon a parenting plan: The children (3yr girl, 6yr boy) would stay with me, he has visitation every other weekend, and for the 3 months during the summer (while I have the weekend visitation).

For the First July, I let him take the kids to his brother's where he was going to live with the agreement that he would have them for the rest of the summer as we had agreed since I had military training for most of Aug. He called 2 weeks later asking if I could pick up the kids. (My son has autism so he is a bit difficult if he is not on a strict schedule.) He said that he could not do it since he was saying at his brothers and there wasn't enough room, that the kids cost too much, and that they were fighting with his brothers kids (boy 7yr, girl 5 yr). I picked them up without saying anything, but we were still agreed upon his visitation every other weekend.

He has had a car for 2 months, but has yet to pick up the kids for his visitation "since I won't come stay with them". He lives 3 hrs away. I even took the kids up to him in sep for the weekend so that they could see him but made him mad because I stayed in a hotel (lol). He did not call my son on his birthday or first day of school (as a mother this was important). He will only call me when he knows that the children are in bed, or I am away for training. He has not talked to his children for a month now. We have an agreed set child support which he was paying with the exception of Nov (which I don't mind because he needed it for other bills).

I offered to bring him the kids over Christmas break since they will be out of school, and he said that he could not drive down to pick them up "because it might be snowing". He does not want them because he said that it would be too crowded in the house, and that he was looking for his own place. There is his brother, sister-in-law, niece, and nephew living in a small (900ft) 2bdrm house. He stays in an unfinished basement room with only room for a bed, and dresser.


Now to the problem: He called me and said that he wanted the children for the whole summer with me having visitation every other weekend (if I came to his house for the visitation), but that he would continue to live in his brothers unfinished basement, and continue to work 60hrs a week (he has set overtime). When he left, he was supposed to find a safe, secure, calm home for the children, especially since my son is autistic. When I expressed my concerns about so many people in a little space he said that if it didn't work out, he would move to his sisters which would be 3 adults and 3 children in a 2bdrm trailer.

We filed all of the divorce papers as an agreed upon divorce as I have not seen a problem until now. The final court hearing is at the end of this month. Do I bring it up that he keeps going back and forth on his word? I don't want to bring lawyers into it for fear that he will back out, and fight me for the divorce. He keeps telling me that we need to get back together. That would only make him happy to draw the divorce out longer.

I feel like he is just using the kids as a string to me, and is playing with my plans because he can (since he refuses to call them). I have stopped answering his calls when not with the children. Because he does not talk to them very often, my daughter will not talk to him on the phone, and is very limited with him in person saying that she wants her other "daddy" (My fiance). I am trying to make this joint custody work, and am always telling the kids that their father loves them, but am truly unsure of that myself. Am I crazy for trying to make this work for the kids, or is a losing battle?

While I appreciate the fact that you want the divorce to be over, I think that you made a bad agreement regarding summer and should really try to back out of that.

If your children are 3 and 6 and he was out of the country for 2 years up until recently, then he is a virtual stranger to them. Since he isn't making any serious effort to spend any time with them, that likely isn't improving.

Your children really needed to be eased into spending that much time with him.

However, in my personal opinion he is just playing with you. He does not appear to me to have any real interest in the children and even if he did say that he was taking them for the summer, I bet he returns them to you just as quickly. It doesn't appear that anything is going to be any different than last summer.