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ex wants to take baby out of spite

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slim81

Guest
I live in AL. I am 21 yrs old and 38 wks pregenant. After I returned his engagement ring 6 mos ago, the baby's father cut off all communication with me. He has not been to a doctors visit, or even called to check on the baby's developement. He disconnected his phone and does not answer my e-mails or letters. After I contacted his naval commander, he returned a couple of my e-mails in which he stated that he would not help pay for medical bills he had previously agreed to pay half of, nor would he be buying anything for the baby. He also threatened to take her away from me after she is born and says he has to save his money for that. I feel that if he pursued full custody it would be out of spite for me since it cannot be out of love for a child he has never experienced. I have only tried to encourage his relationship with the baby and asked him to be at the hospital when she is born so he can begin bonding with her as soon as possible since in my opinion he is already behind. I must speak with his commander for him to get leave but he never responded and therefore will not be present. It scares me that he makes these threats because I love her so much already. I am concerned b\c I have a recent non violent felony conviction for which I must serve 120 day following her birth during which my family which has been extremely supportive will care for her. His family does not communicate with inspite of my attempts. He does not know my sentence but is aware of the conviction. I have moved back with my parents for financial reasons, work full time and will be returning to college next yr. He is in the military and travels frequently, is 23 and has no family where he is currently stationed. There is no significant difference in our incomes. Will he be able to use my criminal record against me in a custody case? If so how much will it weigh against me? I have no prior history of delinquence and my conviction stems from a brief stint with the wrong crowd while in college. Somebody please put my mind at ease if possible.
 


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paperclip

Guest
Well, I don’t know the laws in your state to know if they could be used against you or not, in my state, if you are under 21 and no prior history when crime was committed you could get a diversion which means if you pay a fine + restitution and go on probation stay out of trouble for set amount of time, you really have no record. But, you said felony,
Not for sure about that. But it could be something for you to look into or ask your atty. About. If you have already been convicted, which it sounds like you have been, you might not be able to do anything but wait and see what happens. But in the mean time, document every phone call, time, date, and a summery of the conversation, every visit, etc.. Stop calling him, let him contact you.
And I am sorry to say, I disagree with you about not caring or loving a child you are not involved with from the beginning. My sons girlfriend left 3 mo. pregnant I (the grandmother) was not involved for the first 5 years b/c we had no idea where she was. We love that child just as much as my daughter’s child ,which both, lives with my husband and I. So you see it is possible.
Good luck with the new baby and love her with all thy heart!
 
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slim81

Guest
thank you for the advice. I don't mean that he can't love a child just because he has not been involved at all. The situation is a little different from yours because he knows exactly where I am, how and when to reach me and he simply chooses not to. His actions show a lack of interest in my opinion. I was under 21 at the time of commiting the crime, but the conviction is permanent on my record. Do you think that her father could use that aginst me in court? Also I will be incarcerated for 4 mos after she is born, I am afraid that if he finds out about it then he will try to take her away while I am gone or something. Am I overreacting? My mom says I am and that he is only making these threats because he is bitter about the break up and probably would never really try to take her. I would never keep him from her and I have told him this on numerous occasions. I really wanted us to be friends and deal with this in a friendly manner but he refuses to do this. He is so bitter, now I don't trust him at all. He called at one point to apologize for the way he was acting and tell me he loved me and wanted to get back together but I did not want that though I did except is apology. When I refused to take him back he went right back to having the same nasty attitude, calling me names and hanging up on me when I tried to talk to him. He's so bitter I don't know what he'll do, if I did not have these recent legal problems I would not worry so much about this. Again am I overreacting?
 
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paperclip

Guest
Slim81
It is hard to agree or disagree with your mother since I don’t know the full story of your relationship with him. Although he could be blowing hot air to get you in a frightened state. Which is not good for the baby since you only have two weeks to go,. He could be hurt and bitter, which would cause a “lash-out”. I know this might make you a little up-set but, you are both very young and have tendencies to play games, don’t take this wrong, we ALL have been in our twenties and done the same things, when you get hurt, you want to hurt them back, get the last word, get the upper hand so to speak etc.. Hell, even as adults we still would like to do that but, We learn from our behavior of the past.
As to “using” something against you in court, I don’t know the crime in which you have committed, And I am not asking you to divulge that info. I just don’t know how serious it was, other that a felony. I guess he could put it up in front of a Judge and see what he/she thought but, in my opinion, you did this before you had the baby, and I pray while you were NOT pregnant, and the judge might see it as a Collage stunt, and it happened before you became a mother and would have no bearing as to what kind of mother you will make, but then again, I don’t know what class of felony the crime was.
I really don’t think your mother would steer you wrong, if she thinks your are worrying over nothing, she might be right. After all he is in the military and might not be able to care for a child right now.
I think you a wonder person to try and keep a friendly relationship with him for the baby’s sake, but that only works if both parties are willing to do so. My advice still is to not call him at all! Let him contact you. And document everything.
The more you push, the more you might get back what you don’t want.
I think this type of question would be best left to an atty. That way you can tell what kind of felony you have and see if he/she thinks it could be held against you. They are in front of judges everyday and would know more as to how one would think.

My daughter thinks, you should not put him on the birth cert. as the father and to give the baby your last name. Make him ask for the paternity test and get the cert. changed. If he is concerned about the child at all he will do this. She will be 21 in a few mo. And is going through some of this herself. She has no record, but he does, (minor things) and is always threatening the same when she refuses to take him back.
As to date, he has not done so, but became very angry when she retained an atty.
I still wish you luck, and hope all works out for you. I know 120 days sound like a long time but really it’s not. You will be okay. Sorry this was so long winded, but I am an old lady and we love to talk!
 
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Esimon1

Guest
I am sympathetic to your situation, however, the truth of the matter is, if he should find out about your sentence, he could file for temporary custody while you're serving your 4 month term.
Regardless of your family taking care of your child while you're incarcerated, he is the father, and still has more rights than your parents.
He doesn't have to reveal to the court what your charges were, only that you, (the natural mother) are incarcerated, and it is in the child's best interests that the other parent have custody. That is usually enough information for the courts to grant him temp. custody, and then he can file for full, physical custody. Once it gets to that point, I'm afraid that you will have to hire an attorney to help you, and it will still be a very hard tree to climb.
The only advice I can give you now, is to immediately head to the family court in your county the DAY you bring the baby home from the hospital, and state that you want it in writing, through the courts, that you are the custodial parent of your child, and have full custody. I'm sorry if this all sounds harsh, but that is what could happen.
 
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slim81

Guest
Esimon1,
You said exactly what I was afraid of. I had the baby earlier this week and the hospital would not allow me to list his name on the birth certificate since he was not there. He will probably assume that he is listed as her legal father but as of now he is not. I am considering not telling him this until after I am released from jail since it is only 120 days and child support is retroactive. Does this sound like a bad idea?
 
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hjallge

Guest
Don't put his name on the birth certificate; put father unknown. That way if he wants custody after all, he will have to pay for a paternity test to prove that he is the father. That will buy you time because for 4 months, you will be unavailable for testing. He doesn't even have to know that you are in jail. What he doesn't know can't hurt him. By the way, how would he find out unless someone from your family tells him?
 
I agree about not notifying him of the birth. He know the date if he is truely interested He will find you. About the birth certificate good his name is not on it like they said he will have to go through the paces. What is the child last name I hope yours....... Much easier on you and the child to bear the same last name. I gave my daughter my last name since we where not married, more times then not it has proven to be a god send espcially when registering her into things,there are no questions no proof needed Iam her mom, he on the other hand needs to carry proof of such...... Also you might want to file a temporary custody of child to your parents for the time away so as he cannot take her from them and you not being able to stop him..... Also support is retroactive to the time of filing not from the time of birth. think twice about support If you can make it on your own, because with that will come custody and visitaion issues. you open up the can that he suddenly will be demanding to be invloved. Your movement will become inhibitated and suddenly your weekends holidays and such will now be spilt and argued about. Read many posts about the horrors.... Think twice money is not all that it is cracked up to be.
 

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