ex-wife leaves 9 year old home alone

[bnies]

Illinois.
Ex wife continually leaves my 9 year old son home alone. She has done so since he was 7 but I cannot prove it. I only have him as witness. She has instructed him not to answer the phone or door and to run accross the street to a neighbors house if he needs to (a neighbor he has never met). I want to stop this but he is afraid that if I say anything to my ex, she will punish him because she instructed him not to tell me. Durations run from an hour to all day. I would like to use this as a catalyst to gain custody, but I fear the courts would just slap her wrist. I also fear the retribution she might take out on him for telling me. Any advice?

 

[sunfun]

Have him call you as soon as she leaves and tell you how long she's supposed to be gone. Then call the police.

 

[MamaLlama]

Wait! You are asking a child to be undercover for one parent against another? I think this is a BAD idea and more detrimental to the child mentally than the risk of him being left alone if he is a resonsible capable child who is trained in the correct response in case of emergency. Ultimately he wont trust either of you if he thinks you are using him- and rightly so.

From the legal standpoint - I don't know what state you live in but I do know many states do not have a designated age where it is acceptable to allow a child to stay home alone - that would be a good place to begin. Check to see if there are any specific guidelines for your state.

If you feel he is in harms way with staying home alone for any length of time- confront your ex. If necessary in writing telling her that you are concerned that he may be left alone for extended periods of time and that either you want to care for him in those cases or will assist her in finding care etc.... if your child is afraid of retaliation let him know you cannot keep this secret because he could be in danger and mention as well in your letter that this is a concern you both have and how detrimental it is that she would consider asking your child to keep anything that may endanger him from either parent. That is not a promise a child should ever be asked to keep.

My humble opinion.

 

[tammy8]

Check your state laws.....however most states very from county to county. My husband's kid's bm called social services on us becuase my Stepson who was almost 12 was watching the other 2 for 2 hours a day when they got home from school, social services investigated and determined that the kids were safe and in no harm what so ever.

The best thing you can do is teach your child how to "watch himself" while alone.

Good luck.

PS It trully depends on the maturity of the child. I trust my Stepdaughter who is 8 almost as much as my Stepson who is almost 13 rather then my Stepdaughter who is 9 now.

 

[sunfun]

Ok, you're right. Using the child like that would be wrong.

In most of the areas I've lived, there has been a specific age that a child is allowed to stay home alone. USUALLY it's around 11 or 12. A 9 year old does not have the life experiences to handle adult situations alone. I don't care HOW mature the child appears to be. It's setting the child up for something dangerous. In this day and age expecially, children of that age should be supervised. There are some creepy people out there just looking for someone to take advantage of. I know you said the boy is told not to answer the door or phone, but that doesn't cover everything. I also think it's very inappropriate to dump that kind of responsibility on a 9 year old. Let children be children-making them totally responsible for themselves at that young an age is a terrible thing.

Check the local laws and get DHS involved. AND there's nothing wrong with talking to your son about the usual days or times he's left alone. Would you rather lose a little trust with your son or LOSE THE LIFE or innocense of your son??????? Using your child and protecting your child are two different things.

 

[ksjane]

more detrimental to the child mentally than the risk of him being left alone if he is a resonsible capable child.......My humble opinion.

Hence the word "CHILD" Responsible or capable, he is still JUST A CHILD, and no CHILD has any business being left alone. Period. My humble opinion.

 

[lparty]

Call the child protective agency (CPS). I work for the courts. Many of the cases I have read, do not have the police actually catching the children home alone. After receiving a call, the CPS will go to the home and question both the mother and the child. They will go by what the child says. They can then charge her with child neglect. You may be able to take your child in to CPS and have him give a statement.

 

[bnies]

Thanks for information

Thanks for all your replies. I am real concerned about how all this will play out. I do want what is best for my son-which includes living with me. However, I realize that won't come for some years. If I intervene in this situation, she will retaliate by punishing him. And I don't want that either. I do appreciate all your input.

 

[MamaLlama]

While I agree a child is a child...you can't allow your child not to care for himself at all until he/she hits the magic age of 18 and is no longer a child. Reasonable and controlled increments of responsibility are required to be relinquished to allow them to be prepared for the day that they are adults. That's our job.

I know that the lawyers on this board will find this hard to believe but...sometimes just plain common sense is required rather than resporting to legal battles. Heck, I was babysitting babies and toddlers at 12 years old(a few years back mind you) that I wasn't related to and no one threatened to call CPS over that. We parents need to think about what we are getting all up in arms about and be sure our motivation is really about protecting our children and doing the right thing- not about causing problems for each other and making it impossible to raise responsible kids.

There has to be a happy medium...ok well maybe just a middle ground - happy may be too strong a term to use here!

 

[lparty]

Maybe you need to watch the news more often. I believe 9 years old is not old enough to be left alone. It was just two weeks ago a 9yr old 5 and 3 yr old were killed in a fire that started in their house. They were LEFT ALONE. I've heard probably 5 stories just like this one in the last month. At 9 years old, they are still curious and not responsible enough to be left alone. I wouldn't say this is nothing to get upset about. And if it takes causing some trouble for other parent to save my child's life, then I would do it. In addition, there is a big difference between 9 and 12 years old.

 

[lparty]

I thought this might be helpful. I found it a this site

www2.state.il.us/kdcfs/alone.doc


Illinois law defines a neglected minor, in part, as “any minor under the age of 14 years whose parent or other person responsible for the minor’s welfare leaves the minor without supervision for an unreasonable period of time without regard for the mental or physical health, safety or welfare of that minor.”
Juvenile Court Act, 705 ILCS 405/2-3(1)(d)

 

[tammy8]

I again say it all depends on the maturity of the child in question.

The problem is defining in terms of acutal minutes and hours what constitutes neglect and unreasonable to one may not be unreasonable for another.

I am in no way saying that a 9yr should be left alone but I still say the best way to protect the child is to teach them HOW to be alone.

 

[TNBSMommy]

I just read a couple of weeks ago about a 10 and a 9 year old who were left home alone, the 10 year old played with a lighter, and caught the house on fire. The parents came home (apparently from Walmart) to fire trucks and police, they were charged with neglect and abuse.
My daughter is 9 and my son is 8. I have someone watch them for an hour every day that I work..... Not b/c I don't trust them, but b/c I love them to much to put them in a potentially dangerous situation. My sister had a friend who would walk her new baby around the block every afternoon and leave her 10 year old at home while she did it, maybe was gone an hour tops a day. One day she came home and found her 10 year old raped and murdered.
There is a huge difference in a 9 or 10 year old and a 12 year old. My daughter is mature for her age, and yet under NO circumstances would I allow her to be left alone for me to be any further than the mailbox. And personally, I couldn't have any respect for a parent who does.

Mamallama, I am not so strict of a parent that my children aren't allowed to leave my sight, b/c they are. I know parents who won't let their 9 year old play outside by themselves. I don't believe they should be treated like babies, however I don't believe they should be treated like adults either, b/c they aren't.

Sorry not any legal help, just had to add my two sense, for what it is worth.

Bnies, Good luck, I hope you are able to get your child out of that situation before something devastating happens and it is too late.

 

[sunfun]

There is a major difference in teaching children how to be responsible for themselves and just plain a&s leaving them alone.
It's true that there are some mature 9, 10, 11 year old out there. But they shouldn't have the responsibility of being left alone. Teach them by example and by converstations and by leaving them little by little when they are old enough. I think that 12 is a good age to start LOOKING at leaving them alone-depending on maturity.

 

[MamaLlama]

In agreement

I agree with all of the parents who are concerned about what age they shoudl begin allowing their children to be alone etc... I have children ranging from early elementary to teenage and I am certain the age will be different when I feel comfortable that they are ready for each one to stay alone.

I also agree that terrible things happen in the world to children and adults that we cannot foresee or understand. The same horror stories you described happen to people every day and it is sad. I along with the rest of the parent every day struggle with the best way to protect my children while still teaching them to be independent. It is not a task for the weak. Good luck to all.