Facilitating a relationship

[NCMomof5]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NC with court orders in TN

I have a somewhat legal question I suppose. I know that custodial parents are responsible for facilitating a relationship with the NCP. I think I have done that in many ways. My ex is in the military and we share three children. He has not seen the kids in nearly 3 years. He has always had our address, always had our phone number, I have purchased a webcam for the kids, and a headset and created a skype account (and then a yahoo account when he refused to use skype) they have email, etc. We went through a long period where the kids tried to call him, and he would never answer the phone. I am talking for at least 3-4 months they would call a few times a week, leave messages, and he would email me back that he was "busy" and would speak to them soon.

Now it comes to the issue of father's day. My ex is currently overseas. He has been since last summer. He has talked to the kids on yahoo exactly 4 times since then. Once in August, twice in September, and once in March. Each of those times was because I initiated contact because the kids asked to speak to him. He blames me for their lack of relationship saying that I should be making them contact him more. I feel like I have done plenty to ensure he could maintain a relationship, and he chooses not to. He gets frustrated on yahoo because the older two kids just aren't that interested in typing in chat to him and the youngest isn't a great typist, and is more interested in sending smiley faces and the animated emoticons. He has the capability to do voice chat or webcam chat, but never chooses to use those ptions, and just wants to type. In March we were arguing about money for medical bills, and also because in his conversation with the youngest child, he told him that my son needed to "make me" come and type for him. I feel like that is a bit over the top since he has the voice option instead, and it isn't my place to be in the middle of their conversation, and also disrespectful of him to be telling my son to make orders at me.

I have mentioned to the kids that it is fathers day this weekend, and none of them have mentioned wanting to contact their father. Does facilitating include forcing them to contact him on holidays like that, if they are not interested? He has not in the last three years called on birthdays, sent a card, hasn't called on Christmas, etc. I feel like the kids are getting to an age where they are seeing that he just doesn't care that much, even though I have made an effort to tell them he is busy, etc, when he doesn't call and they are disappointed.

So how far does this facilitating go? If I don't force them to contact him, is this something that will look bad on me later on? How long do I have to force a relationship that he makes no effort himself to maintain because he feels it is mine and the children's responsibility to contact him?

 

[Proserpina]

Honestly?

On Father's Day ... yes, get the kids to at least send him an e-card or leave him a voice-mail.

With regards to the Yahoo chat thing, I realize some are going to disagree with me but if Dad is on, I do think the least the kids can do is tell their friends they'll BBIAB so Dad can have some undivided attention.

I'm not defending Dad's lack of interest or action here - but I can understand how, specially being overseas where truly there isn't that much spare time when he can chat, he might feel frustrated if they're on chat but not talking to him.

 

[NCMomof5]

They aren't talking to other people, he is the only person on their friends list. The older kids just don't like to sit there and chat on yahoo at all. They won't with my parents either, and they have a good relationship with them. They would use the webcam chat for sure, they love doing that with my parents and their aunt and uncle, but for whatever reason, he doesn't want to do webcam chat. I know he is actually online quite often because we have mutual friends on facebook and his comments on their statuses end up on my wall, and he is online very often, seemingly for a few hours at least every day.

An e-card is a good idea, and I will suggest it to them. My son actually made him something in school but he has never allowed me to have his addresses overseas to send anything so I have no way to mail it.

 

[single317dad]

If you have some information on the deployed soldier, the government will help you find them. Here's a good article on the subject:

http://www.ehow.com/how_8114135_address-deployed-troop.html

 

[NCMomof5]

Oh, I know where he lives normally, I do have his address where he usually lives with his girlfriend back in TN, I just don't have his deployed address. I thought about sending it to the girlfriend to mail on to him, but she's the type that hates the fact that he had kids before meeting her so most likely it would land in the trash.

I am asking because last year he sent me a really hateful email, on our daughter's b-day calling me every name in the book because the kids hadn't called him for father's day (they were actually visiting my family that day in Ohio) but never even mentioned the fact that it was his daughter's birthday, or made any attempt to call her. He's very immature and his attitude is that since they don't call him, he won't bother. He's now said that he is not going to use his visitation this summer because I wouldn't let him take the kids two days after getting to Ohio to visit my mom, and keep them for that week instead. He's the my way or no way at all type. I married him thinking he would mature as he aged, and he seemed instead to age in reverse.

 

[stealth2]

How old are the kids?

Similar circumstances here. I have, until now, insisted on my kids calling their Dad on those holidays. This year? I will strongly suggest it, but am not going to force the issue. They are 17 & 19.

 

[LdiJ]

You know...this appears to be a dad who not only doesn't have much interest in the children, but expects the children to do the work instead of him. I find that less than admirable, to say the least.

Of course, if his girlfriend really resents the fact that he had children before he met her, then that may be contributing to the situation, however that doesn't explain his lack of contact while he is deployed and away from her.

I think that they should acknowledge him on father's day, but I wouldn't make them do any more than send an e-card.

 

[CJane]

Isn't this the dad who's supposed to have his visit in Mom's state/town and scheduled a hotel room a little too far away and Mom freaked out, but then Dad also threatened to pick the kids up from the grandparents in Ohio this summer and keep them?

 

[single317dad]

Oh, I know where he lives normally, I do have his address where he usually lives with his girlfriend back in TN, I just don't have his deployed address. I thought about sending it to the girlfriend to mail on to him, but she's the type that hates the fact that he had kids before meeting her so most likely it would land in the trash.

They will give you his deployed address.

 

[TheGeekess]

Isn't this the dad who's supposed to have his visit in Mom's state/town and scheduled a hotel room a little too far away and Mom freaked out, but then Dad also threatened to pick the kids up from the grandparents in Ohio this summer and keep them?

I do believe so. But I'm too lazy to check posting hx.

 

[LdiJ]

Isn't this the dad who's supposed to have his visit in Mom's state/town and scheduled a hotel room a little too far away and Mom freaked out, but then Dad also threatened to pick the kids up from the grandparents in Ohio this summer and keep them?

Yes and no:

He is due to get home in the beginning of July. I know when he will be home, and he is planning to take his time with the kids here in NC towards the end of July. He asked for the dates. There was some drama involved because he was wanting to rent a small room with him, his GF (they only started dating two months before he deployed) and the three kids in a regular room. I was able to get this solved by paying for a larger room myself. Sucked for me, but I want the kids to be comfortable.

Yes on the picking up the kids from the grandparents and keeping them.

 

[NCMomof5]

Yes and no on the visit in my state part. It wasn't the distance I was worried about it was the fact that he wanted to rent a very small hotel room with the three kids (who are 11 and autistic, almost 9, and 6) and bring the gf along. Really during our mediation I should have asked that for his visits here he should have to make them himself, I didn't and that was stupid of me I guess. I solved that problem by paying for a larger room myself. I suspect that may have been his intention all along, and if it was anything like his previous visits with the kids, he'd be calling me after a day or two to get them and enjoying an oceanfront condo with his girlfriend the rest of the week on my dime....

He'll be back from deployment soon, within the next 3 weeks I think. So mailing anything at this point would be too late, but I could mail it to his home address soon. With the Ohio situation, my mom will have the kids for two weeks, then I am going up and spending a few days and driving them home. I suggested he take them at the end of her time if he wanted them up there instead but that he would then have to bring them back to me as I could not change my dates due to school and work. He refused because they have another trip planned, and then threw a huge fit and said he just wouldn't see them at all then. I guess if he doesn't, we'll spend the week at the beach ourselves.