Father has physically abandoned daughter

[minivanmom]

What is the name of your state? Texas

My daughter is 13 years old. She has not seen or heard from her father in over 8 years. In June, her doctor's office called and said my insurance declinded her bill because it was not filled with her primary insurance carrier. Shocked, I called my insurance and they informed me that insurance was just taken out on her by her BF and I would need to get this information from him before my insurance would even consider paying. I FINALLY located his parents and they contacted him for me. He mailed the insurance card to his mother to mail to me, (he obviously didn't want me to know where he lives) and only gave me his email address to contact him with questions about the insurance. Now, her doctor is saying they need his SS# etc.. in order to file the insurance. I emailed him for this and of course, he wouldn't give it to me. He said he would call the doctor himself. So, selfish as it may be, my husband and I have taken care of her just fine without him, now I am having to go through him to take my daughter to the doctor? He has paid child support all these years, but has not once contacted her. My current husband has taken over the role as her father and has done a great job. They love each other dearly. I guess all this has got me worried! Because there is a court order for child support AND visitation, what happens if he decides to arrange a visit with her? How can I let me daughter go off with this total stranger? Doesn't she have any rights? My husband is the only father she has ever known, she barely remembers her visits with her BF. What I can do for my daughter if the situation should arise?

 

[titansfan]

dad in and out of daughter's life

if dad has court ordered visitation, your daughter has to go, or you could be held in contempt. you could file for supervised visits, since dad has not seen her for a long time, but it would gradually work into unsupervised visits. your daughter does not have a say in the visitation untill shes 18.as far as your husband goes, he and your daughter may love each other, but legally he is a stranger to her with no rights, unless dad agrees to give up his rights and allow your husband to adopt her.

 

[HCR]

not to jump on the bandwagon...

minivanmom,

Please wait until someone else chimes in on this other that titansfan. There may be other options. Titansfan may have this particulr answer on auto-pilot from what i've read. Try to keep your topic on top so it gets answered.

Good luck

HCR

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? Texas

My daughter is 13 years old. She has not seen or heard from her father in over 8 years. In June, her doctor's office called and said my insurance declinded her bill because it was not filled with her primary insurance carrier. Shocked, I called my insurance and they informed me that insurance was just taken out on her by her BF and I would need to get this information from him before my insurance would even consider paying. I FINALLY located his parents and they contacted him for me. He mailed the insurance card to his mother to mail to me, (he obviously didn't want me to know where he lives) and only gave me his email address to contact him with questions about the insurance. Now, her doctor is saying they need his SS# etc.. in order to file the insurance. I emailed him for this and of course, he wouldn't give it to me. He said he would call the doctor himself. So, selfish as it may be, my husband and I have taken care of her just fine without him, now I am having to go through him to take my daughter to the doctor? He has paid child support all these years, but has not once contacted her. My current husband has taken over the role as her father and has done a great job. They love each other dearly. I guess all this has got me worried! Because there is a court order for child support AND visitation, what happens if he decides to arrange a visit with her? How can I let me daughter go off with this total stranger? Doesn't she have any rights? My husband is the only father she has ever known, she barely remembers her visits with her BF. What I can do for my daughter if the situation should arise?

Ok...here is the deal. If there are visitation orders in place then technically you are bound by those orders.

HOWEVER, after 8 years of basically abandoning the child no judge is going to expect you to, or punish you for not sending your child off, alone, with a total stranger. Therefore, should he approach you on that issue you are free to handle it in a manner that works best for your daughter. One good way to reintroduce him to her is for visitation to take place initiatially in a theraputic atmosphere, with a counselor. Its a fairly common way to reintroduce children to formerly awol parents.

If he is determined to be part of her life however....visitation is likely to be enforced. The older she is, the more likely it will be that she will be given some say in the type/frequency of the visitation.

The odds are however, that he really won't do that....not after this much time. However worry about it when it happens...not now.

How in the world did your insurance company know that he had the child enrolled on his insurance? Why did he do that after all these years?

 

[minivanmom]

Daughter's rights

My husband is self employed, he has his own trucking company, a very little one, I am a stay at home mom, so obviously, insurance is not offered through an employer. Although my husband makes good money, it's enough to get us by, the things we need and very little extra's I am able to stay home. Insurance is just so expensive these days when you are paying as individuals and not through a company. So we applied for CHIPS for the kids, (I have two other children) I guess since it's government assistance, they ran a check with the Attorney General's office and found that my daughter has a father who is supposed to be carrying her on his insurance. That's all I can figure. It's amazing it took this long though. I mentioned my daughter's BF and I have emailed over the last couple of months briefly regarding her insurance. When I found I would have to get him to contact every doctor, eye doctor and dentist himself in order for to me have her treated, I briefly went crazy. What right does he have to have a say NOW after all this time. He proceded to blame me for the lack of visitation so I firmly reminded him of what actually happened. I fear just to get to me, he's going to try and enforce the court order. I have never denied him seeing or talking to her, in fact, I have always initiated ALL visits they have ever had and periodically over the years, sent pictures to his parents with letters updating them as to how she was doing. I have also told my daughter, anytime she was ready to see or talk to him, to just let me know and I would find him for her. She declines everytime. See that the thing, she doesn't WANT to see him. I have tried to do things the smart way and make sure she KNOWS she is loved by ALL her parents. Isn't she old enough now she can "divorce" her BF if she wanted to? I have asked him to sign over his rights, my husband is more than willing to adopt her, but he says "that's just something I can't come to terms with" What is that supposed to mean? Is there something legal we can do to "keep" him from coming back into her life and upsetting it? She is a well adjusted, happy girl who is very active in school organizations and sports and is loved by all. I would hate to see her EVER to have to go through anything she wasn't comfortable with. And yes, I am being a little selfish too....to me..he terminated his own rights over 8 years ago and should have ANY say in ANYTHING she does.

 

[stealth2]

Isn't she old enough now she can "divorce" her BF if she wanted to? I have asked him to sign over his rights, my husband is more than willing to adopt her, but he says "that's just something I can't come to terms with" What is that supposed to mean? Is there something legal we can do to "keep" him from coming back into her life and upsetting it? She is a well adjusted, happy girl who is very active in school organizations and sports and is loved by all. I would hate to see her EVER to have to go through anything she wasn't comfortable with. And yes, I am being a little selfish too....to me..he terminated his own rights over 8 years ago and should have ANY say in ANYTHING she does.

She only gets to make that decision definitively when she's 18. While a judge may give her limited say in visitation, she's not going to be allowed to simply refuse to see him if he wants to become a part of her life on any level. The ONLY way to keep him out of her life is to terminate his rights, and that doesn't sound likely.

Should bioDad step back in to her life (and I agree that it is a strong possibility), you may also consider investing in some counseling for her - it sometimes helps a lot to have an uninvolved party to talk to.

And, while I realize you mean more in this specific situation, kids often have to do things they're not comfortable with. Sometimes it's difficult, but it's not bad for them to push the envelope of their comfort zone. It's character building, and helps them learn to deal with less-than-ideal conditions.

 

[minivanmom]

BF rights are great.....in some cases

If my daughter came to me today and said she wanted to see him, I would be on the phone (or email, since that's they only way I have of contacting him) I would not have a problem with that. I understand the laws wanting a child to have both parents in their life etc... BUT....... Why does HE have all the rights when he hasn't done ANYTHING in over 8 years to even make her think that he loves her? Children have rights too, and although I agree comfort zones can be pushed, why put a child through that if it's not necessary? I have done everything in my power to try and form a parent/child relationship between them in the past. So now, he can drop out of sight for years and then all of a sudden have a say in what goes on in her life? Isn't there some kind of abandonment law? Since he is not willing to terminate his rights, is there anyway to force him to? I was 13 when my parents divorced and my BF dropped out of sight for 5 years and then all of a sudden showed up at my HS graduation. I KNOW first hand how that feels. He has since popped in and out, I'm 33 now and I still have no interest in pursuing a relationship with him. I get the same feeling everytime he pops back in and I HATE it. I had a stepfather who has raised, cared for and been there through every step of my life and I would not trade him for anything. HE is my dad! I am trying to avoid my daughter having to go through the same things I have gone through.
Children have rights too!!! Where are they?????

 

[rmet4nzkx]

You have been receiving child support, a aprt of the reason you can afford to be a stay at home mom. You would be complaining if you weren't receiving child support, now he is also paying medical as ordered, it seems as long as he was paying child support and not exercising visitation you were happy because you didn't have to deal with your confilicted feelings. Since he doesn't want you to know where he is, perhaps he doesn't want to have contact with you and is waiting to have a relationship with an adult child independent of you. Most likely your daughter is basing her feelings in part on your reactions, even though you may feel it is in your daughter's best interest or that you have made efforts, somehow the words and actions don't match up. Does she have a relationship with her grandparents?

 

[stealth2]

If my daughter came to me today and said she wanted to see him, I would be on the phone (or email, since that's they only way I have of contacting him) I would not have a problem with that. I understand the laws wanting a child to have both parents in their life etc... BUT....... Why does HE have all the rights when he hasn't done ANYTHING in over 8 years to even make her think that he loves her? Children have rights too, and although I agree comfort zones can be pushed, why put a child through that if it's not necessary? I have done everything in my power to try and form a parent/child relationship between them in the past. So now, he can drop out of sight for years and then all of a sudden have a say in what goes on in her life? Isn't there some kind of abandonment law? Since he is not willing to terminate his rights, is there anyway to force him to?

Sure there are abandonment laws. But you have to do something about them, and not blithely sit around until he comes back into the picture. IS he paying ordered support? Then he's been in contact. TO terminate his rights, you'd need to prove him unfit. If you can't, then a judge is not going to do so now that he's showing some sort of interest.

Legally, children's rights are slim. Courts assume that you chose wisely in the father of your child.

 

[minivanmom]

Grandparents don't want rights

No! She does not have a relationship with her grandparents. I have a letter I saved from when she was about 4 that states THEY believe it's best if they don't have a relationship with her since her BF doesn't. From the time she was born, they all have seen her MAYBE 10 times. Her BF married about a year after she was born and his current wife didn't want him to see her. When I filed for child support, she was 1 and I was a single mom. I met my husband when she was 3. I actually contacted his parents about 3 years ago and asked them to contact him for me. He called and I asked him if he would terminate his rights. He said no, didn't ask how she was doing, can he see or talk to her, nothing. So yes, it's obvious he doesn't want anything to do with her, but again, I'm trying to avoid him popping back in and disrupting her life. My actions here are COMPLETELY different than my actions with my daughter. Like I said before, I have encouraged her to try and contact him and she refuses. So my actions have been nothing but positive towards her BF. I have NEVER said one bad word about him to her or in front of her. The way I see it, she is part of him and if I bad mouth him to her, I am also putting her down. I also wanted to make sure that as she grows up, she knows without a doubt, I DID NOT deny her to see her father. But she is 13 now and has a good head on her shoulders and I think she could make her own choice about seeing her father. I have not even mentioned any of this to her. I am trying to find out what her options are BEFORE presenting her with any of this. So my actions and my words (to her) are meshing.

 

[minivanmom]

Who can predict the future?

My daugher's BF were together for 3 1/2 years, had a wedding date set and planned to be married. I became pregnant...he ran with his head between his knees. Can anyone have predicted that was going to happend? He was a well educated man, 21 years old, going to college. And no, I wouldn't complain of not receiving child support. We don't even use it. We put it in a savings account in our daughter's name. The only time I wanted his money was when I was a single parent and needed the extra help and assumed he would be visiting his daughter regularly. Terminating a parents rights is serious and I am not necessarily saying that's what I want to do. I want to know what my DAUGHTER'S options are BEFORE anything happens with her BF.

 

[LdiJ]

No! She does not have a relationship with her grandparents. I have a letter I saved from when she was about 4 that states THEY believe it's best if they don't have a relationship with her since her BF doesn't. From the time she was born, they all have seen her MAYBE 10 times. Her BF married about a year after she was born and his current wife didn't want him to see her. When I filed for child support, she was 1 and I was a single mom. I met my husband when she was 3. I actually contacted his parents about 3 years ago and asked them to contact him for me. He called and I asked him if he would terminate his rights. He said no, didn't ask how she was doing, can he see or talk to her, nothing. So yes, it's obvious he doesn't want anything to do with her, but again, I'm trying to avoid him popping back in and disrupting her life. My actions here are COMPLETELY different than my actions with my daughter. Like I said before, I have encouraged her to try and contact him and she refuses. So my actions have been nothing but positive towards her BF. I have NEVER said one bad word about him to her or in front of her. The way I see it, she is part of him and if I bad mouth him to her, I am also putting her down. I also wanted to make sure that as she grows up, she knows without a doubt, I DID NOT deny her to see her father. But she is 13 now and has a good head on her shoulders and I think she could make her own choice about seeing her father. I have not even mentioned any of this to her. I am trying to find out what her options are BEFORE presenting her with any of this. So my actions and my words (to her) are meshing.

I really do understand the situation that you are dealing with. Unfortunately, since he has been paying his child support you can't involuntarily terminate his parental rights. And.......if he decides that he wants to be part of her life, he WILL get visitation of some sort.

Again, I would encourage you to consider reintroducing him into her life (if he even tries) in a theraputic setting with a counselor. Again, in the mean time don't panic about it. While its possible that it will happen, its also possible that it won't.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

You were not married, yet you had lived together for 3.5 years and engaged to be married? This raises some other questions. Did you have a common law/informal marriage? Did you get a divorce? How did you establish paternity? How old were both of you when you got together?

 

[minivanmom]

Didn't live together

We never lived together. We both lived at home with our parents. We got together my senior year in HS, he had already graduated. So 17/18. We didn't need to get divorced or anything, we were never married and never lived together. We established paternity when I filed for Child support. The judge or mediator or whoever it was asked him if that was his daughter and he said yes and that was the end of it.

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state? Texas

My daughter is 13 years old. She has not seen or heard from her father in over 8 years. In June, her doctor's office called and said my insurance declinded her bill because it was not filled with her primary insurance carrier. Shocked, I called my insurance and they informed me that insurance was just taken out on her by her BF and I would need to get this information from him before my insurance would even consider paying. I FINALLY located his parents and they contacted him for me. He mailed the insurance card to his mother to mail to me, (he obviously didn't want me to know where he lives) and only gave me his email address to contact him with questions about the insurance. Now, her doctor is saying they need his SS# etc.. in order to file the insurance. I emailed him for this and of course, he wouldn't give it to me. He said he would call the doctor himself. So, selfish as it may be, my husband and I have taken care of her just fine without him, now I am having to go through him to take my daughter to the doctor? He has paid child support all these years, but has not once contacted her. My current husband has taken over the role as her father and has done a great job. They love each other dearly. I guess all this has got me worried! Because there is a court order for child support AND visitation, what happens if he decides to arrange a visit with her? How can I let me daughter go off with this total stranger? Doesn't she have any rights? My husband is the only father she has ever known, she barely remembers her visits with her BF. What I can do for my daughter if the situation should arise?

Because he has a court order for visitation and has been paying child support (which is considered 'contact' in many states, you can check your state's Family code to determine if it is one of those states)- he does have a right to enforce visitation. I agree with LdiJ however, you would likely not be found in contempt if you were willing to allow supervised, gradual visits.

My oldest daughter's father was absent a number of years from her life (no contact or support) at one point he decided to come back into her life...They went to counseling and we gradually began visitations which increased in duration over time. Today they have an important relationship- a child really can't have too many people love or care about them. Consider that for your child's sake. BF is a stranger to her now- but that doesn't have to mean forever.

Unless you filed for your husband to adopt and to terminate BFs rights...then he still has them as the bio. father. While I do not recommend that, if you chose to do that, your letters from the X in-laws along with his failure to have meaningful and consistent contact with your daughter would help your case in court. Again, that does not mean that is what I recommend. The last thing you want is to have to explain to your daughter why, when her BF finally did show an interest in her life, you attempted to prevent that. Let her have all the opportunities possible and make her decision when she's old enough to do so maturely.

Now that you have the insurance card- use it. Your insurance may be used as secondary...ask the CHips contact how that works specifically in your case. Although the insurance company will not give you information since you are not the policy holder- you already have the card which is all you need at the Dr. visits. The Dr's office will contact the insurance company for any further information that is needed. Simply explain the situation to them if/when they ask.