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Father not taking children to school

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What is the name of your state? Hawai'i

We have two children, ages 9 and 12. In general the co-parenting goes relatively smoothly. However, father has a history of not taking children to school after overnights at his house, even when they are well. When I ask him why he did not take them to school he either gives no reason, says they didn't want to go/refused to go, or (sometimes) claims they did not feel well. He has recently learned that he can request a note from the doctor for random one-off days and they will provide, so they look like legitimate, excused absences.

Divorce was final 2010. Court order says we share legal and physical custody. It says we are to share time 50/50 but he has never taken advantage of all his time, usually taking 30-35% (typically Sunday and Thursday nights, and every other Wednesday). I have never prevented him from any of his time, he just doesn't take it.

I am wondering what my options are legally, at least to give him some sense of urgency over the matter of school attendance. He has a history of kids going to school from his house in the same clothes they left me in, not sending things with them that they need, general disorganization, repeatedly dropping them off late, etc. and I have learned to pick my battles. But I don't feel I can overlook him just randomly having them out of school, especially as they get older and the work gets harder. When I ask him to please confirm that he will begin taking them when they are well he just tells me to relax.

Thank you.
 


stealth2

Under the Radar Member
How many days, on average, do they take in a semester or year? How many with him, how many with you? How are they doing in school?

(with the clothes, I'd send them with clean socks, underwear and shirt the nights they're staying there...)
 

Just Blue

Senior Member
What is the name of your state? Hawai'i

We have two children, ages 9 and 12. In general the co-parenting goes relatively smoothly. However, father has a history of not taking children to school after overnights at his house, even when they are well. When I ask him why he did not take them to school he either gives no reason, says they didn't want to go/refused to go, or (sometimes) claims they did not feel well. He has recently learned that he can request a note from the doctor for random one-off days and they will provide, so they look like legitimate, excused absences.

Divorce was final 2010. Court order says we share legal and physical custody. It says we are to share time 50/50 but he has never taken advantage of all his time, usually taking 30-35% (typically Sunday and Thursday nights, and every other Wednesday). I have never prevented him from any of his time, he just doesn't take it.

I am wondering what my options are legally, at least to give him some sense of urgency over the matter of school attendance. He has a history of kids going to school from his house in the same clothes they left me in, not sending things with them that they need, general disorganization, repeatedly dropping them off late, etc. and I have learned to pick my battles. But I don't feel I can overlook him just randomly having them out of school, especially as they get older and the work gets harder. When I ask him to please confirm that he will begin taking them when they are well he just tells me to relax.

Thank you.
How many days this school year has he kept them home? How has it effected their grades?
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
How much responsibility do your kids get in this situation regarding assignments and such? General disorganization? Explain. A 12 year old should be organized enough with homework.
 

HRZ

Senior Member
States and schools often have laws,and policies about absences and tardys ...I'd be checking school records and if attendance is an issue , I'd be cooperating wih school to put heat on dad ....yeah I get it, some folks can get a medical excuse and Dr never even saw the kid ....but I think you as parent are entitled to examine the medical excuses as well...and do your own detective work. ..Some schools take attendance seriously ...and they have the technical resources to ring Dads chimes. IF there is an attendance issue..let them do their job.

As an aside ..how are grades and is child in a higher level learning track?

I don't think wearing a shirt or socks for two days is a hill worth a battle ...and as others suggest....send them with extra socks , shirt, underwear
 
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not2cleverRed

Obvious Observer
How much responsibility do your kids get in this situation regarding assignments and such? General disorganization? Explain. A 12 year old should be organized enough with homework.
While I agree that a 12 year old *can* do this - and mine does, I've had far too much experience with households where the building blocks for developing such a level of independence just aren't there. It usually requires some guidance in order to get there.

I look forward to reading OP's answers are to everyone's questions.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
While I agree that a 12 year old *can* do this - and mine does, I've had far too much experience with households where the building blocks for developing such a level of independence just aren't there. It usually requires some guidance in order to get there.

I look forward to reading OP's answers are to everyone's questions.
However, it also appears - despite the 50/50 split on paper - that Mom has the majority of school-related time with the children. She can - and should - be putting those blocks into place.

I was in a similar situation wrt homework - Dad refused to allow them to do schoolwork on his time, and I could actually understand it, particularly in retrospect. One w/e a month is not a lot, and I'd hate to see it constantly spent on homework, in those shoes. The kids and I worked around it. They did what was possible en route/back, and I made their teachers aware of the situation. Generally speaking, they were given a grace period (a day, usually); larger assignments were dependent on the scope and how far in advance they were assigned. But the kids were also well aware from early on that school and associated work were largely their responsibility.
 
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Just Blue

Senior Member
The OP never said the clothes hadn't been washed...just sayin'
But even if the clothing was "dirty" ...still not a biggie...

9 and 12 are way past the age that requires parental supervision in dressing, brushing hair/teeth, bathing, homework...etc..
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
However.... 12 is approaching puberty. Which brings a certain ... odiferousness ... to some youngsters. So "dirty" clothes could cause an issue. A pair of clean undies, socks and a shirt don't take much space to carry.
 

Just Blue

Senior Member
However.... 12 is approaching puberty. Which brings a certain ... odiferousness ... to some youngsters. So "dirty" clothes could cause an issue. A pair of clean undies, socks and a shirt don't take much space to carry.
I have girls...they weren't really stinky. :cool:
 

HRZ

Senior Member
I'd be a little more worried about school attendance /tardy situation ...and confirming actual school records on same . And I'd be real worried if the school does ability level placement and a lax parental attitude about school gets carried over into low placement level . I've been there to hear well educated parents phoop phoop "school" and " homework" and then wonder why " Mary" performs poorly in school ..and is placed with low achiement peers.

Wearing socks for two days or sending an extra pair or even two pair is pretty low threshold to address.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
I'd be a little more worried about school attendance /tardy situation ...and confirming actual school records on same . And I'd be real worried if the school does ability level placement and a lax parental attitude about school gets carried over into low placement level . I've been there to hear well educated parents phoop phoop "school" and " homework" and then wonder why " Mary" performs poorly in school ..and is placed with low achiement peers.
On the flip side..... both of mine did very well in school and were rarely sick. We routinely took "mental health days". I'm sure their Dad would have :censored:...
 
To clarify, about the clothes, organization, etc. when I said I have learned to pick my battles I meant that (unlike the school attendance) this is something I can just deal with. I routinely send fresh clothes with the kids but have no control over whether they are prompted to change clothes there, or given the time. He may have them out late and wake them up late. Yes, I know, they *should* just do that and they do at my house, but at his house I have no control over setting that expectation. I am waiting for the pride in appearance to set in and doing what I can on my time to address this. I make sure they shower regularly at my house and put on deodorant. I regularly supply maxi pads, deodorant, etc. for his house because he doesn't get the former and doesn't himself use the latter.

Regarding personal responsibility, our youngest has it 100% with homework, permission slips, etc. and has for some time. However I believe our oldest has ADD and anxiety and despite my efforts (schedules, checklists, other strategies) is still needing some assistance with this. As an aside, I have taken the evaluation and treatment process as far as I can at the moment without father being on board with further steps (medication). I have a call in to see if we can gather new information and re-evaluate, hoping to try again to get Dad on board.

As far as school performance, they are both very bright and doing ok in school. Our youngest just sails through everything. Does what she is asked to do without grumbling, and does it well. Our oldest requires more than our youngest to achieve in school. I tie certain privileges to grades and regularly check in on her progress. Because she's now in middle school and things have gotten much more complicated, I have spent a good deal of time with her both learning for myself what the expectations are, how to communicate with teachers, etc. and helping her through. I have helped her learn to lean on technology to help her stay on top of things. We are a work in progress.

Unfortunately, the schools here are not tough on attendance. The kids usually get up to the point where they'd call social services (15 absences) just in time for the school year to end.

My concern about the absences isn't just about their school performance. It is also about work ethic, and about him trying to curry favor with them by indulging their whims, (which is also an issue with our youngest child and food). Our oldest begs him to keep her home and can throw an outright fit. She and I have a great relationship, speak honestly and are pretty close and she never tries this with me. I would actually be ok rewarding our eldest with a mental health day here and there if she weren't trying to go about it like this, but his giving in to that just makes her feel more entitled to those days off and more demanding about them...and more sullen when she is told she must go to school.

Hope that helps clarify where I'm at. I really appreciate the input.
 

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