Father seeking protection of rights

[cerberus75]

Hi, I live in Fairfax County, Virginia. I really need some advice from people, especially from fathers in similar situations to mine who have had success in their cases. I'll try to keep the details relegated to just the facts of the situation.

I have a child with a mother with whom I was never married. We had a brief relationship which spanned a few weeks during which time she became pregnant. We were both unaware of the pregnancy at that time and we went our separate ways. I did not learn of her pregnancy until she was almost 6 months pregnant, but once I found out I indicated to her that I wanted to be very involved in the child's life upon determination of paternity. Paternity was in question because the mother admittedly had sexual encounters with more than one man during that time span. We took a paternity test at the time of birth and it was determined that I was indeed the father.

Our child is now 11 mos. old. The child currently lives with her mother but I have been very involved with the child since she was born. I care for her approximately 4 days a week and have also helped to support the costs of the child. I pay for all child-care related expenses, health-insurance, etc. I have taken many days off work to care for my daughter when she was sick, or to take her to the doctor, etc. because my work schedule is more flexible than the mothers. I believe I have done everything in my power to live up to my responsibilities as a father. Although I have frequent visitation, the visitation schedule is determined solely at the behest of the mother and she is not willing to work on a visitation schedule that is more agreeable to the both of us. In the spirit of cooperation and in the best interest of my daughter I have been more than willing to agree to her terms, but she is not willing to negotiate with me on certain items and she will not allow overnight visitation. She refuses to allow the child to have my surname and also refuses to allow my name to be listed on the birth certificate. At times, the mother has stated that she wishes I would just stay out of the child's life and simply pay child support.

I have spoken to a few lawyers, but I get a different gameplan from every one I speak to. Some lawyers say that I should wait a few years before attempting to file any motions as it is important to set the precedent that I have been involved in the child's life for a very long time prior to doing so. Other lawyers say that I should file motions immediately. I am very confused and I need some advice, particularly from any other single fathers in similar situations who happen to live in the Northern Virginia area. I really want what is in the best interest of my daughter... I am not interested in getting revenge or getting even with the mother, nor do I want to take custody away from the mother. I simply want to protect my rights and have equal opportunity at raising my daughter without having to be held at the mercy of her mother. Ideally I would like to have joint-legal and joint-physical custody, but I know the mother will never agree to that.

Please help!

 

[Silverplum]

Your child's mother does NOT have your legal interests in mind, cerberus, and you shouldn't listen to her on legal topics.

You have every right to be involved with your child, just as you have the obligation to help support the child. You are not, and should not be treated as, an ATM.

Right here on this site is general custody info. Here's a link:
http://family-law.freeadvice.com/child_custody/

And VA law is what you need, specifically. Google gives me 9,860 hits for "Virginia child custody" in 0.17 seconds, such as:
http://patriot.net/~crouch/familylaw/statute.htm

Good luck to you.

Hi, I live in Fairfax County, Virginia. I really need some advice from people, especially from fathers in similar situations to mine who have had success in their cases. I'll try to keep the details relegated to just the facts of the situation.

I have a child with a mother with whom I was never married. We had a brief relationship which spanned a few weeks during which time she became pregnant. We were both unaware of the pregnancy at that time and we went our separate ways. I did not learn of her pregnancy until she was almost 6 months pregnant, but once I found out I indicated to her that I wanted to be very involved in the child's life upon determination of paternity. Paternity was in question because the mother admittedly had sexual encounters with more than one man during that time span. We took a paternity test at the time of birth and it was determined that I was indeed the father.

Our child is now 11 mos. old. The child currently lives with her mother but I have been very involved with the child since she was born. I care for her approximately 4 days a week and have also helped to support the costs of the child. I pay for all child-care related expenses, health-insurance, etc. I have taken many days off work to care for my daughter when she was sick, or to take her to the doctor, etc. because my work schedule is more flexible than the mothers. I believe I have done everything in my power to live up to my responsibilities as a father. Although I have frequent visitation, the visitation schedule is determined solely at the behest of the mother and she is not willing to work on a visitation schedule that is more agreeable to the both of us. In the spirit of cooperation and in the best interest of my daughter I have been more than willing to agree to her terms, but she is not willing to negotiate with me on certain items and she will not allow overnight visitation. She refuses to allow the child to have my surname and also refuses to allow my name to be listed on the birth certificate. At times, the mother has stated that she wishes I would just stay out of the child's life and simply pay child support.

I have spoken to a few lawyers, but I get a different gameplan from every one I speak to. Some lawyers say that I should wait a few years before attempting to file any motions as it is important to set the precedent that I have been involved in the child's life for a very long time prior to doing so. Other lawyers say that I should file motions immediately. I am very confused and I need some advice, particularly from any other single fathers in similar situations who happen to live in the Northern Virginia area. I really want what is in the best interest of my daughter... I am not interested in getting revenge or getting even with the mother, nor do I want to take custody away from the mother. I simply want to protect my rights and have equal opportunity at raising my daughter without having to be held at the mercy of her mother. Ideally I would like to have joint-legal and joint-physical custody, but I know the mother will never agree to that.

Please help!

 

[cerberus75]

You have every right to be involved with your child, just as you have the obligation to help support the child. You are not, and should not be treated as, an ATM.

And VA law is what you need, specifically. Google gives me 9,860 hits for "Virginia child custody" in 0.17 seconds, such as:
http://patriot.net/~crouch/familylaw/statute.htm

Thanks for your words of advice. I've done plenty of google searching, also reading books, taking co-parenting classes (which the mother refused to take with me), and talking to lawyers. The problem isn't for lack of information, rather it's for lack of relevant information to my particular situation and too many unknowns in the equation.

For what it's worth, I would have preferred to keep this out of the courts. I even spoke to the mother and suggested mediation which I would have happily paid for, but she basically told me it's her way or the highway. Therefore I am either faced with agreement to the mothers terms unconditionally or going the legal route.

I guess the crux of my concerns have to do with the fact that even though 'tender years' doctrine was thrown out in the 90s in favor of the 'best interest' doctrine, I still believe there is plenty of bias in the family courts. I wonder how likely a judge is to look favorably towards me in this case especially considering my daughter is still so young.

 

[Silverplum]

Thanks for your words of advice. I've done plenty of google searching, also reading books, taking co-parenting classes (which the mother refused to take with me), and talking to lawyers. The problem isn't for lack of information, rather it's for lack of relevant information to my particular situation and too many unknowns in the equation.

For what it's worth, I would have preferred to keep this out of the courts. I even spoke to the mother and suggested mediation which I would have happily paid for, but she basically told me it's her way or the highway. Therefore I am either faced with agreement to the mothers terms unconditionally or going the legal route.

I guess the crux of my concerns have to do with the fact that even though 'tender years' doctrine was thrown out in the 90s in favor of the 'best interest' doctrine, I still believe there is plenty of bias in the family courts. I wonder how likely a judge is to look favorably towards me in this case especially considering my daughter is still so young.

Good for you, doing lots of research! Do more!

You are living in a New and Golden Age, dude. People, including dusty old judges and lawmakers, are grasping the fact that Dads are of equal importance as Moms. Take advantage of it!!!

If you file for joint, live nearby, are already involved, etc...I absolutely see NO reason why you should not or would not be given joint custody.

Look into VA parenting plans. See if there's a graduated schedule for infants (which is stupid, but maybe the court there likes that nonsense), see what's out there.

File early, is my advice. Get it into the courts, absolutely. Getting it all on paper and legalized with penalties attached for failure to perform? Priceless.

We can help you, some, with specific questions. Keep coming back.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

It is NEVER in your best interest to keep it out of the courts. That is not to say that you don't mediate. It means that you get an agreement you both can live with and FILE that as a court order. It protects BOTH of you.

Mom gets a order for child support that is enforceable. Dad gets enforceable parenting time.

Never take 'lawyerly' advice from an X or STBX.

 

[Zephyr]

I would file in court now, you already have an established history with the child, and frankly you have the RIGHT to be legally recognized as the father of this child and to have the same rights as mom does

 

[cerberus75]

Good for you, doing lots of research! Do more!
Look into VA parenting plans. See if there's a graduated schedule for infants (which is stupid, but maybe the court there likes that nonsense), see what's out there.

Thanks so much for your help! I am glad I found this resource and hopefully one day I will return the favor to someone else in search of similar information.

This is a stupid question, but what is a graduated schedule? I am assuming it's a schedule that will change over time, perhaps granting additional visitation rights?

For what it's worth, the mother is not breastfeeding at this moment, so I don't think that argument can be used in court in order to minimize my visitation rights. Furthermore, I bath the child, feed her, clothe her, etc. In other words, there is nothing the mother does that I cannot do myself as well. Hopefully that's a plus in my favor.

Thanks again!

 

[cerberus75]

Never take 'lawyerly' advice from an X or STBX.

What's a STBX?

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

This is a stupid question, but what is a graduated schedule? I am assuming it's a schedule that will change over time, perhaps granting additional visitation rights?

They start with short/frequent visits and it graduates to longer periods of time further apart.

 

[Silverplum]

What's a STBX?

Soon To Be X.

Thanks so much for your help! I am glad I found this resource and hopefully one day I will return the favor to someone else in search of similar information.

This is a stupid question, but what is a graduated schedule? I am assuming it's a schedule that will change over time, perhaps granting additional visitation rights?

For what it's worth, the mother is not breastfeeding at this moment, so I don't think that argument can be used in court in order to minimize my visitation rights. Furthermore, I bath the child, feed her, clothe her, etc. In other words, there is nothing the mother does that I cannot do myself as well. Hopefully that's a plus in my favor.

Thanks again!

You're totally welcome!

A "graduated schedule" is REALLY for fathers who have never even MET their child/ren. You aren't one of those. But if it makes Mom agree more quickly, or if the VA courts like such a plan, I advise you to at least look into one.

But if I were you, I'd file for a "status quo" sort of schedule. That means, what is already happening. And yes, all of your time spent with your child should be in your favor.

Breastfeeding is not a legal excuse to keep a man from seeing his child.

 

[escape2paradise]

Yes, do it now. I don't see how waiting would help at all. I can certainly see how it could harm you. The court may view your having waited to establish your rights as lack of interest on your part.

Do your best to document the time you have spent with the child. The parenting responsibilities you have participated in, doctors visits etc... Get copies of forms you've filled out at well child checkups, daycare etc...If you pick up and drop off to daycare see about getting copies of their sign in and out forms. Find any receipts you can of any monies you have paid that contribute to the child. This will help show that you were/are involved and that you see the need now to formalize that involvement.

 

[Silverplum]

Photos and videos, also.

 

[Zephyr]

Photos and videos, also.

that's what I was gonna say...a picture is worth a thousand words......especially with a date stamp


mmmm....didn't some recently make a lot of money off of a series of pictures taken of their face every single day over a period of years.....then at least you could prove how many days per week kiddo spends time with you (and have lots of awesome pictures for the baby book)

 

[onebreath]

I would look up Barry Brazelton and Stanley Greenspans book "The Irreducable Needs of a Child". In includes their ideal custody visitation schedule as being no overnights until the age of 3 years old. Before any one attacks me, they explain why.

If you are willing to have an open mind, and coparent in the future with the child, I behoove you to check this book out....

Onebreath

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

File now.

Silverplum is right about the "new age". The courts are not nearly as biased as some would have you think.