father skipping out on summer vacation obligation

[stlmag690]

My ex and I have joint legal custody of our 7yr old son, while I am primary physical custodian. We have the standard TX visitation schedule for when the non custodial parent lives more than 150 miles away (he is 191 miles away). My ex is remarried with 2 step children, 11 and 13. I was recently informed by my ex that he cant take our son for the 6 week visit this summer because he can't afford the day care, and his wife is in cosmetology school during the day and can't watch him as she has in the past. Instead, he wants him for about a one week period when the whole family is taking a trip to CA (disneyland, universal studios, ca adventure land), but other than that, the status quo of about a weekend a month. Argh! That trip would pay for MORE than 6 weeks of day care. This puts me in the position of having to pay for the summer day care that I hadn't planned on having to pay. Which might also affect the ability I have to do anything special with my son over summer break if I am now shelling out the additional day care expenses of about 1000 dollars. It also adds to the problem where Dad's house is always the fun house since he is only there on school vacations and has no real rules or responsibilities or schedule. Not to mention the emotional effect on my son of why can't he spend the summer with his Daddy. I know I can't *force* his father to take him, nor would I necessarily want to. I have been very flexible so far with my ex on financial matters, allowing him to split and delay child support, and still waiting for reimbursement on his half of our sons travel, and feel that I am being taken advantage of more and more, but nothing so agregious that a court would take it seriously. So, basically, any advice on how to handle this one ?

 

[Sad Dad 2002]

Tough Cookies

What a jerk. That is a BS reason for the 6 week period. By law he is to have custody ofthe minor child for a period of 6 weeks. if he only wants him for 1 week to just show him a good time that is a load of KAKA. He must not want your son that bad becasue where there is a will there is a way. Even if you have to go through a local church. I belive in this situation I would contact the state and see what legal duties you can perform and if he can do this.
Ultimatly the only one really getting the shaft is your son. To heck with shelling out more money, Your most important duty as a parent is to give love and support to your child and It looks like the Dad is just doing what he thinks is right for the child. He should get a book on HOW TO BE A DAD. I can see why you are no longer with him.

I wish you and your son the best!

 

[txkowgirl6]

I'll probably get blasted for this but if is so monitarily important to both parents why not let him go for the 6 weeks and split the daycare cost. That way he gets to spend the time, enjoy disneyland and neither of you are put out by this poor child too much. It's his summer vacation and why shouldn't he have a good time. Just a suggestion

 

[haiku]

i agree with texas cowgirl. It seems to me you both have a problem with daycare, not just him.

visitation is not an OBLIGATION it is a RIGHT, if he chooses not to exercise his right there is not much you can do about it. How hurtful it ends up being to your child depends on how you and he handle it.

are there any provisions in place already for daycare costs? or has that cost been included in his child support? If it is, and he is still expected to pay you support during the time he has the child i can see where that may be tough for him to do, as technically he may already be "paying" for daycare. so i would check into that and find out and then see if there is a more affordable way fo ryou to split cost throughout the year.

I also think parents and children have a right to go on vacation on occasion. especially if they are taking care of thier obligations. You certainly could take him to court for contempt, if he is not paying you back court ordered half of travel expenses.

As far as Dad's house being the funhouse, I have to say as a step-mom and a mom, it IS very difficult, when you only see kids once a month or so, to not plan on things being a little more relaxed for ALL the kids, and sometimes with money what it is you do have a tendancy to wait to do the special things when you have all your kids. it could be worse, in my prior relationship, my S/O had custody of 2 of his kids and his ex had one. The ex took the one on vacation, and left the other 2 home because she couldnt "afford" it! try explaining that one to kids. Or this-my husbands ex is taking his 3 to disneyworld, our child gets to hear all about it from them all the time. We cannot afford a vacation like that but she can-with our child support! so really I would think a week in disney world would be pretty exciting for a 6 year old! Thats all he needs to think about, Not "daddy wont take me for 5 weeks!" dont let him hear you talk about it, I would think at his young age whether or not you work it out with your ex, that he should not at all be affected, let him think it is "normal"

 

[Grandma B]

Can't help but think that I'd be jumping up and down with delight that I'd only be missing my son for ONE week during the summer instead of SIX!

 

[nailtech]

In texas a 13 year old (depending on maturity) is old enough to babysit... they have no excuses... I know its not the other childs responsibility to watch the child, but they could make accomadations if need be... I would if it was me...

If you wanted to(and i'm going to get blasted for this one) take him up there and dont pick him up for 5 more weeks... then daycare is their problem.. if he tries to bring him back then say your not going to be home, maybe your taking your vacation that week, he does not need to know... If he wants to go to court over it, then he's going to look kinda silly to a judge for not taking "HIS" child on "HIS" summer visitations... how does the son get from your house to dads house?? car, plane? if its a plane trip, then buy his ticket for the 6 week span, its hard to change it, and he wont know until he picks him up as to what the return flight date is... (just a thought cause I have been in that daycare unexpected expense situation)...

I dont want to be blasted for my opinion, just giving her an out here... I know and understand its not that she does not want her son for the summer months, its just rules are rules, and if one persons situations changes the other person should not have to foot the bill for it because he might be inconvienced a little...

 

[haiku]

Is this a kid or a football?

maybe he should spend the summer at grandma's......

 

[nailtech]

well of course a kid,.... but even in a football game the reciever has to catch the football to make a complete pass... she's doing the father a favor making him spend time with his child, the father is just to stupid to know it right now.. he's not abusive,(not that she's stated) just ignorant of the child needing to be with him, one day both the father and son both will appreciate the memories.... just my thoughts...

 

[stlmag690]

Ok txkowgirl6 , I should have made one thing clear in my original post. Having extra time with my child during the summer is not something I would complain about....I love every extra minute I can spend with him, especially summer time that I usually don't get. I don't feel put out by my child. And I have wonderful daycare with a great summer program and local day camps that he can go to with his friends as well. I will have to eat the cost for those things, but I do understand my responsibilities as a parent. I just thought the summer months were his fathers responsibility. There were no provisions in the decree for daycare expenses, but in the past, before he was remarried and his wife started babysitting, he paid them when our son was with him.

My problem is the growing pattern of my spouse's to shirk his parenting responsibilities. Both financially and emotionally. Unfortunately, I don't think money is the real issue, even though he never has been able to manage it, and I keep getting stuck holding the bag. It is a convenient excuse. I wouldn't mind the vacation so much if, as haiku said, he was meeting his obligations. He has purposefully stated he wants to schedule visitation when all kids are there, not just his son. Guess it makes it easier when there is entertainment for the little one and he's not expected to spend much one on one time and be a parent.

I have been very flexible to this point, and have always been the one that initiates travel plans (he flies and we split the cost) mostly in order to keep things on an even keel, amicable as can be, and to keep our son out of it. I have never, and will never, disparage my ex in front of his son. That I realize only hurts my son in the long run. Nor would I engage in games that could put my son in danger such as dropping him off and refusing to pick him up for 5 weeks. I'll take the time if my ex doesn't want it, that is not the out I am looking for. What I was looking for was what Haiku hit on when he said visitation is a RIGHT not an obligation. I guess I was working under the impression that parenting and custody are a responsibility not a privilege. I am sure there are many fathers in divorce situations that would kill to be able to have as much time with their child as I would love my child to spend with his father... he loves his daddy and wants to see him. I am the one that deals with the emotions when he comes back from weekends with alot of *stuff* but not a lot of daddy. Oh well.

 

[nailtech]

I said it was just an OUT...

dont worry stlmag, you cant win for losing sometimes.....

but I do understand your point, not your fault but you end up paying anyway...

catch 22...

 

[txkowgirl6]

I would think he would want him there when the other kids are so they could have some time to get to know each other and try to form a family bond. Maybe you shouldn't always think the worse of him. Would you consider giving up your child support for the six weeks instead? And I didn't mean you didn't want to spend time with the child, but if you want to support his relationship with his Dad, both the splitting childcare or giving back a month of support would probably do it. I sounded as if you were begrudging the new wife of improving there financial situation by going to school instead of watching the child. And as for the other children watching him, I'm sure they already have summer plans and it wouldn't be fair to them unless they were paid also. Good Luck in working this out.

 

[deefran]

Now that you've heard everyone's biased OPINIONS, would you like some legal advice??
1.-Your ex does not legally have to take your son for the full-six week vacation.
2- However, you can file a motion to modify in court his CS, explaining how it can be a financial hardship that due to his cancellation of 5 weeks, you will now have to pay extra day care expenses.
(This usually gets granted)
3- Once he sees he's going to have to pay daycare expenses anyway, he'll take him for the full-six weeks...Your son gets his father and you have the stipulation in your decree that if he does cancel his visitation, he is to re-imburse you for child care. It's a win-win situation.