Father's Rights for Child's Welfare

[Murdock_719]

What is the name of your state? WV

My son turned 11 in May 2005. He has a slight learning disablity and did not pass a single class in the 5th grade, the school chose to pass him along to the 6th grade anyway because apparently he has been in Special Ed for some time and I was never notified by his mother who has custody. When I talked to his teachers at school they tell me that he just doesn't study or do his homework. This is hard for me to control being that he does not live with me. His mother claims to never receive any work from school but when I pick him up from school (on occasions when she asks me to) he always has his graded papers, homework and an assignment book in his backpack. On these occasions I have found homework he has turned in that is sloppy and done incorrectly, so I have to assume he is getting no help (or even checking of his work) from home. When I have confronted her she often uses excuses like "he forgot to bring his backpack home", the school is two blocks from her house and is open three hours after he gets home! On occasion he has forgotten his homework and I have gone to his house and gotten it from her boyfriend and brought it to him at school. She has kept him home from regular school on several occasions once because she was taking pain killers and "needed" him to stay home and watch the other kids, once because he had a runny nose (he always does because he has allergies and she smokes in the house around him).

After the first two semesters of fifth grade I enrolled him in Sylvian Learning Center and he seems to be doing better and has already moved up an entire reading level. I was responsible for going to his house and taking him to Sylvian every Tuesday, Thursday and every other Saturday (my visitation weekend). Then I find that she missed at least two of her weekends to take him, simply because "she forgot". Now that school is out I drive to his house and take him to Sylvian every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Now she says she wants to reduce the amount of time he is going to Sylvian after school starts again because she says she is afraid he wont have time to do his homework.

His school situation is not the only problem. Every time I pick him up he is dirty and smells horrible. He says he is only allowed to take a bath at her house twice a week. I have to carry fingernail clippers with me because his fingernails will be 1/2 inch long and filled with dirt. I am embarrassed to drop him off at Sylvian being dirty and smelly but although I repeatedly ask her to ensure he is clean when I come to pick him up she just wont do it. Every time I take him for a haircut (because she won't) the next time I pick him up she has shaved his head completely. He also goes to school this way and is getting upset because other kids tell him he stinks and is dirty. When I have him for the weekend or a week in the summer I make him shower daily and wear deoderant and he smells fine.

She refuses to buy him sneakers when they wear out, so I do. She wouldn't buy him a winter coat even though his zipper was broken, so I did. She doesn't buy him nice clothes, so I do. I also pay child support and also pay for half of his Sylvian.

I am at a loss for what to do. I cannot force her to take better care of him. and when I talked to a lawyer he told me I had little chance for sole custody in WV and since I hadn't filed earlier it Joint Custody probably woundn't be an option either. I have called Social Services on her two years ago when he told me she was hitting him (smashed his head off a dresser) but never heard back from them. She has told me that they have been to visit her three times total and never once have they contacted me or done anything about it (once they made her throw away the littlest childs bed because it was full of bugs, just to show how they live in filth). I just hoped that I had some rights to demand that she keep his hygene on a particular level and keep me informed of issues with school. Is there someone I can talk to who can ensure that this is being done? What rights do I have to ensure my son is raised to be the clean heathy intelligent young man that I know he has the potiential to be.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? WV

My son turned 11 in May 2005. He has a slight learning disablity and did not pass a single class in the 5th grade, the school chose to pass him along to the 6th grade anyway because apparently he has been in Special Ed for some time and I was never notified by his mother who has custody. When I talked to his teachers at school they tell me that he just doesn't study or do his homework. This is hard for me to control being that he does not live with me. His mother claims to never receive any work from school but when I pick him up from school (on occasions when she asks me to) he always has his graded papers, homework and an assignment book in his backpack. On these occasions I have found homework he has turned in that is sloppy and done incorrectly, so I have to assume he is getting no help (or even checking of his work) from home. When I have confronted her she often uses excuses like "he forgot to bring his backpack home", the school is two blocks from her house and is open three hours after he gets home! On occasion he has forgotten his homework and I have gone to his house and gotten it from her boyfriend and brought it to him at school. She has kept him home from regular school on several occasions once because she was taking pain killers and "needed" him to stay home and watch the other kids, once because he had a runny nose (he always does because he has allergies and she smokes in the house around him).

After the first two semesters of fifth grade I enrolled him in Sylvian Learning Center and he seems to be doing better and has already moved up an entire reading level. I was responsible for going to his house and taking him to Sylvian every Tuesday, Thursday and every other Saturday (my visitation weekend). Then I find that she missed at least two of her weekends to take him, simply because "she forgot". Now that school is out I drive to his house and take him to Sylvian every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Now she says she wants to reduce the amount of time he is going to Sylvian after school starts again because she says she is afraid he wont have time to do his homework.

His school situation is not the only problem. Every time I pick him up he is dirty and smells horrible. He says he is only allowed to take a bath at her house twice a week. I have to carry fingernail clippers with me because his fingernails will be 1/2 inch long and filled with dirt. I am embarrassed to drop him off at Sylvian being dirty and smelly but although I repeatedly ask her to ensure he is clean when I come to pick him up she just wont do it. Every time I take him for a haircut (because she won't) the next time I pick him up she has shaved his head completely. He also goes to school this way and is getting upset because other kids tell him he stinks and is dirty. When I have him for the weekend or a week in the summer I make him shower daily and wear deoderant and he smells fine.

She refuses to buy him sneakers when they wear out, so I do. She wouldn't buy him a winter coat even though his zipper was broken, so I did. She doesn't buy him nice clothes, so I do. I also pay child support and also pay for half of his Sylvian.

I am at a loss for what to do. I cannot force her to take better care of him. and when I talked to a lawyer he told me I had little chance for sole custody in WV and since I hadn't filed earlier it Joint Custody probably woundn't be an option either. I have called Social Services on her two years ago when he told me she was hitting him (smashed his head off a dresser) but never heard back from them. She has told me that they have been to visit her three times total and never once have they contacted me or done anything about it (once they made her throw away the littlest childs bed because it was full of bugs, just to show how they live in filth). I just hoped that I had some rights to demand that she keep his hygene on a particular level and keep me informed of issues with school. Is there someone I can talk to who can ensure that this is being done? What rights do I have to ensure my son is raised to be the clean heathy intelligent young man that I know he has the potiential to be.

Your child is 11. Eleven is plenty old enough to be responsible for taking a bath/shower without any help or input from a parent. An embarrised 11 year old will take a bath all on his/her own. Unless mom is actually forbididng him to bathe...you should be encouraging your son to take a daily shower/bath...and maybe providing him with deodorant. Parents often don't realize that their children need that when they are 11.

You should also flat out ask mom if he is only allowed to take a bath/shower twice a week....the odds of a parent forbidding a bath more than twice a week is pretty slim...even if their house is filthy. I suspect that there is some lazyness involved on your son's part. If she actually says that he is only permitted to do it twice a week...then tell her that you will take her to court if she doesn't permit him a daily bath/shower. Yeah..it could be "petty" in the eyes of the court...but if you actually did take mom to court over it I am sure she would change her ways quickly.

As far as school is concerned...believe it or not...since you have full legal rights to all school information, its not her responsibility to keep you informed, its your responsibility to keep in contact with the school.

I applaud you for getting your child involved in Sylvan.

 

[Murdock_719]

She has said that their isn't enough time to get them all (him and her two other children) bathed everyday and that she doesn't feel he needs to. She says one person a day gets to bathe (in a house of five). We have sent home numerous deoderant sticks and even soap (because he says he doesn't have any at home) to no avail.

She has also said that he doesn't have time to do his chores, homework and bathe. In her opinion this is the order of priority. He claims this also, he says he has too many chores and can't start his homework until 6:00 and then she sends them to bed at 7:00.

I have gone to the school many times to talk with his teachers, in fact I know more about how he is doing than she claims but since he goes to her house after school I cannot enforce him doing his work. And what can I do to ensure she sends him to school and doesn't keep him home for no good reason? If I knew ahead of time or during school hours I would call the truency officer but I usually don't find out until the week end. It really bothers me especially since it is usually on a Friday when she knows he has a spelling test. He brought home straight E's (equivalent to an
F) on his report card twice, I don't think he can afford to be skipping school to babysit.

 

[stealth2]

I'm not sure I follow how you've been in such close contact with the school and not known he was in SpEd... However, you may also want to ask the school to call you when he is absent - then you'd know at the time and can call the truant officer.

Can he get up 10 minutes early and have a shower/bath? If nothing else, teach him how to do a quick wash-up with a washcloth. Ask the school to speak with Mom about the effect his hygeine is having on his social interactions at school.

 

[Murdock_719]

I knew that he was in the "slow" classes but his mother had outright told me that the had tested him for learning disabilities and that he had passed, so I guess it just never occured to me that it was "special ed". On this one I admit I didn't keep that great of tabs (I trusted what mom said) until I found out she was lying to me. I promised to take him to a movie he wanted to see if he brought home at least one A in a week. She said he had gotten an A on a Math assignment, when I praised him for his A he said the teacher hadn't even graded that yet (At least my son doesn't lie to me). I called the teacher and confirmed he hadn't even completed an assignment all week.

That's when I called Sylvan and started visiting the school on a regular basis. But it really doesn't help if he doesn't have a parent at home to check his work or make sure he does it. Yes he should be responsible but he's 11 and I'm sure he tries to get out of as much homework as possible. No one said being a parent was easy. At her house he knows exactly what he can get away with and he does. Me telling him to do better and not living there goes in one ear and out the other. But at my house he follows my rules because he knows he won't get away with it. On the rare occasions I actually get to see his homeworkI have made him redo graded assignments because they were not done right.

 

[Murdock_719]

Can he get up 10 minutes early and have a shower/bath? If nothing else, teach him how to do a quick wash-up with a washcloth. Ask the school to speak with Mom about the effect his hygeine is having on his social interactions at school.

I asked her this once and she says she has too much trouble getting him up in the mornings and has two other kids to get ready so she can't deal with him. She makes him stand outside and wait 45 minutes after his brothers bus leaves before his comes and I asked if he could shower then and she said "just drop it, he's fine". We have tried "quick washups" when we pick him up to go somewhere and are in a hurry but first off he is obese (also fight w/ mom about this since she thinks a can of Ravioli and a bag of chips (full size) is a pre dinner snack) and he needs to wash in between the rolls (not to sound crude but it's true). Also his clothes are dirty too, once he told me he had to wear the same underwear for four days.

Now it is summer he doesn't even have school or homework and I have yet to pick him up once for Sylvan when he was clean. He was at my house last weekend and when I picked him up for Sylvan yesterday I asked when he showered last and he said last Saturday Night (at my house!). Even if he were partly to blame (doesn't fight mom to take a bath) he's 11, my mother had to make my brother shower when we were kids until he was like 14. Remember he is a bit slow anyway, shouldn't she be the one to instill good hygene.

Today when I picked him up for the weekend she gave me a prescription that belongs to his younger brother and said he was out of his allergy medicine so she was giving him this, it's not even the same medicine he takes! It just seems that she is getting worse and worse.

I have threated to take her to court but she didn't seem to care. I wasn't even sure if I could take her to court. What would I be bringing her to court for custody? I tried that once but the lawyer told me that it was too late, if I wanted custody I should have filed for joint custody when WV passed the law (I didn't know about it). He also said since this Sh*t has been going on for so long that I wouldn't have much of a case (I think it is getting worse I could write four pages of stuff she has done over the past 4 years that "should" be at least frowned upon).