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First Time Mom: Custody & Visitation Threats! Please Help!

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soco25

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Louisiana

Hi! I am a first time mom to a beautiful little girl ( she is ONLY 2 weeks old) & the biological father ( who also was abusive & controlling) has not been emotionally or financially supportive during the pregnancy. I have received everything for her from my family members.
Me and the biological father live in different towns. I currently am living with my mom & he lives in what once was his mom's house, with his new girlfriend. Well, he spoke on visitation through texts ( having her sleepover a week, days, months)
Knowing she's still a newborn, I told him not yet. But he threatened me with court to have his visitation rights if I do not let him see her & also wants the child's last name in his name after paternity is taken since I ddnt add him to the birth certificate. Mind you, I do not have him on child support or ask for anything from him! The thing is, I WILL let him see her in my residence. I just do not want to allow her to go to a different town to stay with him until she's walking & aware of her surroundings. Also, I do not want my daughter's last name changed! However, I am new to this. I have never been witness to a situation like this nor am I knowing of the legal system.
Can the judge change my baby's last name without my permission and even if we are not married after paternity is proven?! Can he grant visitation while my child is still so young? What do I need to prove in court? Will the judge ask my choice to file for child support if visitation is ordered?

Also, in case of custody battle, what does the judge look for in a parent? I know I live with my mom but I absolutely love my daughter and me & my family have solely done everything for her! does he have a chance of taking her?! Please help! Advice please!

How should I handle this? I am worried.
 
Last edited:


Eekamouse

Senior Member
He wasn't required to be financially supportive while you were pregnant and still doesn't need to be until paternity is established and a court orders him to pay you child support. Get over that. Him not paying you anything yet means nothing. He's her father and he will be entitled to visitation with her. You will not get to dictate that. The court will make those decisions and you will be required to follow the visitation schedule that will be set up. The child needs both her parents so you will need to start working with him on how to do a joint parenting plan. You are not required to allow him visitation before the court orders it but it will be better for you if you do allow him to spend time with his child. You and he are going to be her parents for the rest of her life so you better start looking at things from the stance of what's best for your child, not what's most comfortable for you. This isn't about you and your feelings. It's about your child and what she needs and what she needs is a mother and a father who put her needs first.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Louisiana

Hi! I am a first time mom to a beautiful little girl ( she is ONLY 2 weeks old) & the biological father ( who also was abusive & controlling) has not been emotionally or financially supportive during the pregnancy. I have received everything for her from my family members.
Me and the biological father live in different towns. I currently am living with my mom & he lives in what once was his mom's house, with his new girlfriend. Well, he spoke on visitation through texts ( having her sleepover a week, days, months)
Knowing she's still a newborn, I told him not yet. But he threatened me with court to have his visitation rights if I do not let him see her & also wants the child's last name in his name after paternity is taken since I ddnt add him to the birth certificate. Mind you, I do not have him on child support or ask for anything from him! The thing is, I WILL let him see her in my residence. I just do not want to allow her to go to a different town to stay with him until she's walking & aware of her surroundings. Also, I do not want my daughter's last name changed! However, I am new to this. I have never been witness to a situation like this nor am I knowing of the legal system.
Can the judge change my baby's last name without my permission and even if we are not married after paternity is proven?! Can he grant visitation while my child is still so young? What do I need to prove in court? Will the judge ask my choice to file for child support if visitation is ordered?

Also, in case of custody battle, what does the judge look for in a parent? I know I live with my mom but I absolutely love my daughter and me & my family have solely done everything for her! does he have a chance of taking her?! Please help! Advice please!

How should I handle this? I am worried.
This is realistically what you should expect:

Regular visitation, probably involving a "graduated" schedule at first. Think several short visits, leading up to overnights (which will likely be ordered sooner than you'd want). The court won't require the child to be walking and talking before allowing Dad overnights.

The last thing you need is to treat this as a battle. There should be no battle. Just two parents working together for the benefit of their mutual child. While it's true that you hold the cards right now, not working with Dad is going to be miserable for both of you but more importantly, for your child.

And yes, the court can change her last name. Have you suggested hyphenation?
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
True dat but if there's no question of who the father is, referring to him as bio dad is sort of insulting to him. She's not referring to herself as bio mom.

Yeah, you're right. :)

And I know that Mom isn't really going to like what she's being told here. But it's best she knows before she has an extremely unpleasant experience in the court room. And now that I think about it, many courts will order overnights right from the start.

(OP? Please don't be tempted to bring up breast-feeding as a reason. In today's climate, that's not going to wash in most jurisdictions)
 

tuffbrk

Senior Member
Baby is 2 weeks old. This is going to be a long co-parenting relationship if you're panicking already. Best to start out on a positive note. You might try googling parenting plans for your state to get an idea of what the future holds. Good luck.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Louisiana

Hi! I am a first time mom to a beautiful little girl ( she is ONLY 2 weeks old) & the biological father ( who also was abusive & controlling) has not been emotionally or financially supportive during the pregnancy. I have received everything for her from my family members.
Me and the biological father live in different towns. I currently am living with my mom & he lives in what once was his mom's house, with his new girlfriend. Well, he spoke on visitation through texts ( having her sleepover a week, days, months)
Knowing she's still a newborn, I told him not yet. But he threatened me with court to have his visitation rights if I do not let him see her & also wants the child's last name in his name after paternity is taken since I ddnt add him to the birth certificate. Mind you, I do not have him on child support or ask for anything from him! The thing is, I WILL let him see her in my residence. I just do not want to allow her to go to a different town to stay with him until she's walking & aware of her surroundings. Also, I do not want my daughter's last name changed! However, I am new to this. I have never been witness to a situation like this nor am I knowing of the legal system.
Can the judge change my baby's last name without my permission and even if we are not married after paternity is proven?! Can he grant visitation while my child is still so young? What do I need to prove in court? Will the judge ask my choice to file for child support if visitation is ordered?

Also, in case of custody battle, what does the judge look for in a parent? I know I live with my mom but I absolutely love my daughter and me & my family have solely done everything for her! does he have a chance of taking her?! Please help! Advice please!

How should I handle this? I am worried.
Ok...lets talk reality.

Do not be afraid of court. Court orders protect everybody.

Since this is an unwed situation, the way that it will go is something along these lines:

He will have to file to establish paternity, custody, visitation. He will likely start out having to visit in your home for a very short period of time, working its way up to short visits outside of your home, longer visits outside of your home, and then to single overnights, and then to multiple overnights. After the phased in period the very minimum he will receive is every other weekend, one weekday visit, alternating holidays and some extended vacation time (once your child starts school that time will be in the summer). He will also have to pay child support.

As far as the child's last name is concerned, that is unpredictable. Some judges kind of automatically give children their father's last names, some do not a all, but the very best compromise is a hyphenated last name, ie Smith-Jones.

However you do need to realize that dad WILL get visitation in his own home and it will like happen sooner than you are comfortable with. How far apart do you actually live? That will make a difference.

However, until he takes it to court to establish paternity he is not legally the child's father and has no rights at all.
 

Silverplum

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Louisiana

Hi! I am a first time mom to a beautiful little girl ( she is ONLY 2 weeks old) & the biological father ( who also was abusive & controlling) has not been emotionally or financially supportive during the pregnancy. I have received everything for her from my family members.
Me and the biological father live in different towns. I currently am living with my mom & he lives in what once was his mom's house, with his new girlfriend. Well, he spoke on visitation through texts ( having her sleepover a week, days, months)
Knowing she's still a newborn, I told him not yet. But he threatened me with court to have his visitation rights if I do not let him see her & also wants the child's last name in his name after paternity is taken since I ddnt add him to the birth certificate. Mind you, I do not have him on child support or ask for anything from him! The thing is, I WILL let him see her in my residence. I just do not want to allow her to go to a different town to stay with him until she's walking & aware of her surroundings. Also, I do not want my daughter's last name changed! However, I am new to this. I have never been witness to a situation like this nor am I knowing of the legal system.
Can the judge change my baby's last name without my permission and even if we are not married after paternity is proven?! Can he grant visitation while my child is still so young? What do I need to prove in court? Will the judge ask my choice to file for child support if visitation is ordered?

Also, in case of custody battle, what does the judge look for in a parent? I know I live with my mom but I absolutely love my daughter and me & my family have solely done everything for her! does he have a chance of taking her?! Please help! Advice please!

How should I handle this? I am worried.
How is it some sort of achievement that you (and your family, because you can't do it alone) have "done everything for her" if you won't allow the (putative) father to see/touch/be in the room/care for the child?

:rolleyes:
 

CJane

Senior Member
Until a court orders otherwise - and that's certainly not an overnight process - Dad can only see the child on your terms. Why? Because until a court orders otherwise, he DOESN'T HAVE A CHILD. Likewise, he doesn't "owe" any financial or emotional support. Why? Because until a court orders otherwise, he DOESN'T HAVE A CHILD.

So breathe. Stop freaking out. Let your post-birth hormones and protectiveness settle a bit. Then breathe some more. Do what you think is best for you child. Because right this minute, you're the only parent she has.

If Dad files for custody, visitation, etc, come back for specific advice based on whatever he's filed. If you need financial assistance with the child, you can file for child support and paternity establishment through the state's child support enforcement department. This will result in the biological father being declared the legal father, and an order for financial support being issued.

Because you're not in a relationship with this man, expecting emotional support at any time is unrealistic.

Good luck.
 

soco25

Junior Member
How is it some sort of achievement that you (and your family, because you can't do it alone) have "done everything for her" if you won't allow the (putative) father to see/touch/be in the room/care for the child?

:rolleyes:
I do not mind him coming to my residence to see her. I have never denied him that right. I am just protective of my daughter because 1. He's irresponsible, gets angry easily, & risky! 2. I do not know what kind of person this girl can be. She already has two kids who may be very ill-mannered!
My little girl can be beaten, touched, etc. while she is still this young and cannot protect herself which is why I am not wanting her to go to his home just yet.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
I do not mind him coming to my residence to see her. I have never denied him that right. I am just protective of my daughter because 1. He's irresponsible, gets angry easily, & risky! 2. I do not know what kind of person this girl can be. She already has two kids who may be very ill-mannered!
My little girl can be beaten, touched, etc. while she is still this young and cannot protect herself which is why I am not wanting her to go to his home just yet.
Why would you have a baby with an irresponsible angry person? You are making assumptions. Would you allow your daughter to go to your friend's home without you? What about a babysitter?
 

soco25

Junior Member
He wasn't required to be financially supportive while you were pregnant and still doesn't need to be until paternity is established and a court orders him to pay you child support. Get over that. Him not paying you anything yet means nothing. He's her father and he will be entitled to visitation with her. You will not get to dictate that. The court will make those decisions and you will be required to follow the visitation schedule that will be set up. The child needs both her parents so you will need to start working with him on how to do a joint parenting plan. You are not required to allow him visitation before the court orders it but it will be better for you if you do allow him to spend time with his child. You and he are going to be her parents for the rest of her life so you better start looking at things from the stance of what's best for your child, not what's most comfortable for you. This isn't about you and your feelings. It's about your child and what she needs and what she needs is a mother and a father who put her needs first.

I understand. What he's not aware of is the child support they will place him on. He has already threatened me when I warned him of child support! And honestly, it's not about my feelings at all. I am thinking of my daughter. He's very irresponsible and I do not know what can happen to my daughter over there while she's unable to protect herself. Why I say this? Well, the girl he's with already has two young kids who may be very ill-mannered! Am I wrong for just wanting him to come visit her at my home first until she's old enough to talk? I just do not want my daughter touched or anything harmful happening to her. She's still a newborn!
 

soco25

Junior Member
This is realistically what you should expect:

Regular visitation, probably involving a "graduated" schedule at first. Think several short visits, leading up to overnights (which will likely be ordered sooner than you'd want). The court won't require the child to be walking and talking before allowing Dad overnights.

The last thing you need is to treat this as a battle. There should be no battle. Just two parents working together for the benefit of their mutual child. While it's true that you hold the cards right now, not working with Dad is going to be miserable for both of you but more importantly, for your child.

And yes, the court can change her last name. Have you suggested hyphenation?

If they happen to change her last name, I'll gladly suggest hyphenation.
 
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