A
ash13
Guest
This is my attempt at making peace. For those of you who want me to go away, you'll be glad to know that I am. I'm sorry that this post is so long.
Marriage, divorce, and remarriage are very emotional subjects for those involved (obviously). There are stepmothers who take offense to being labelled... and just as many ex-wives who feel the same way.
All of our situations are different. That's why I came here, because several people mentioned not liking to respond to stepmothers. I assume because of past conversations/confrontations. It bothered me that if I were to just happen by this place and ask for advice, that those who are regulars here would not want to help me, or respond to me negatively just because I'm a stepmother...
LadyBlu, some stepmothers are greedy and self-rightous (and if you've had experience with those then that is unfortunate), but not all of us are that way. A lot of stepmothers could say the exact same thing about ex-wives (I could), but again, not all ex-wives are like that.
I don't get very emotionally involved with this particular topic of debate. I think this is because my situation is not that bad compared to some (it could be better though, but couldn't anything?). It's not nearly as bad as Crazycat's (and I don't know how I could cope if my sweetie had a psycho ex-wife). I think that's why she took such offense to being negatively judged... but I don't want to put words in her mouth or speak for her...
Which reminds me... honest to God you silly people, we are all different people posting. I have never posted under multiple ID's and I never would. I had suggested the IP # search only becuase of another forum where the webmaster could and has easily looked it up... and no, not on me. For those of you who still don't want to believe it... then have your (equidistantly spaced out) fun.
Ok, back to the subject. Now I can say that on the other side, I think LadyBlu has/had a very bad experience with her ex. Maybe that's why she took offense. Again, I can't speak for her.
Of course, then sides were taken, and the only metaphors I can think of to describe what happened next include profanity so I won't mention them.
Really, beneath the sarcasm of my earlier posts, I do see both sides. I don't quite see why everyone has become THIS upset... upset enough to cuss and make accusations. (Wow)
No matter what has happened to you, the other people here are not the people who have screwed you over. There are a couple of regulars here who said some really nasty things, but I don't have anything to say to you other than I hope that you eventually realize that, being the advice givers here, you represented this site badly. I hope that in the future you're nicer to other stepmothers, or any other type of people that may have ticked you off in the past.
As for the children involved in these situations, what/who is or isn't healthy for them, and what they can "sense". They're getting vibes from their mother, father, and stepparents... as well as from the friends and families of all three. As well as you hide it, they still know. Unfortunately, I know this from my own past.
Since I am a stepmother, I can say it is the most challenging and stressful thing I have ever done... and we haven't even had the wedding yet. Think of it, we're marrying not just our husbands, but his kids and the ex-wife. We're getting into a history between them that too often is a nasty one. What stepmother wouldn't be upset if her husband's ex wife spends the cs on something totally unrelated to the children?
Since this is an advice board, I'm now going to give some advice to Crazycat. Your fiance being in the military makes things complicated... they have wierd rules. (I wish someone would explain them to me.) My fiance is in the military too. I assume that the reason that your lawyer recommended waiting until you are married to pursue custody is because he is in the military, and God knows where they'll ship him to and when... and I've heard that is considered during custody cases... I don't know about your particular state or it's laws. About his ex (and this probably isn't anything you haven't heard before)... document every psycho thing she is doing. I don't know if will help you get custody, but maybe you could publish it as a novel to pay your lawyer (late night tired humor... sorry). If she gets violent, call the police. She sounds very unstable. As far as daycare and cs, I think someone else covered that. In my opinion, if his ex isn't working I don't see the need for her to put the children in daycare... but being that she's nuts, maybe any time away from her is good. You're a wonderful person for taking the "high road" with the children about the ex and saying positive things about her for their sakes (especially when she doesn't deserve it)... I know how that feels. I wish you and your fiance lots of happiness together.
For those of you who made it this far, I really appreciate that you listened to me.
[Edited by ash13 on 12-01-2000 at 05:42 AM]
Marriage, divorce, and remarriage are very emotional subjects for those involved (obviously). There are stepmothers who take offense to being labelled... and just as many ex-wives who feel the same way.
All of our situations are different. That's why I came here, because several people mentioned not liking to respond to stepmothers. I assume because of past conversations/confrontations. It bothered me that if I were to just happen by this place and ask for advice, that those who are regulars here would not want to help me, or respond to me negatively just because I'm a stepmother...
LadyBlu, some stepmothers are greedy and self-rightous (and if you've had experience with those then that is unfortunate), but not all of us are that way. A lot of stepmothers could say the exact same thing about ex-wives (I could), but again, not all ex-wives are like that.
I don't get very emotionally involved with this particular topic of debate. I think this is because my situation is not that bad compared to some (it could be better though, but couldn't anything?). It's not nearly as bad as Crazycat's (and I don't know how I could cope if my sweetie had a psycho ex-wife). I think that's why she took such offense to being negatively judged... but I don't want to put words in her mouth or speak for her...
Which reminds me... honest to God you silly people, we are all different people posting. I have never posted under multiple ID's and I never would. I had suggested the IP # search only becuase of another forum where the webmaster could and has easily looked it up... and no, not on me. For those of you who still don't want to believe it... then have your (equidistantly spaced out) fun.
Ok, back to the subject. Now I can say that on the other side, I think LadyBlu has/had a very bad experience with her ex. Maybe that's why she took offense. Again, I can't speak for her.
Of course, then sides were taken, and the only metaphors I can think of to describe what happened next include profanity so I won't mention them.
Really, beneath the sarcasm of my earlier posts, I do see both sides. I don't quite see why everyone has become THIS upset... upset enough to cuss and make accusations. (Wow)
No matter what has happened to you, the other people here are not the people who have screwed you over. There are a couple of regulars here who said some really nasty things, but I don't have anything to say to you other than I hope that you eventually realize that, being the advice givers here, you represented this site badly. I hope that in the future you're nicer to other stepmothers, or any other type of people that may have ticked you off in the past.
As for the children involved in these situations, what/who is or isn't healthy for them, and what they can "sense". They're getting vibes from their mother, father, and stepparents... as well as from the friends and families of all three. As well as you hide it, they still know. Unfortunately, I know this from my own past.
Since I am a stepmother, I can say it is the most challenging and stressful thing I have ever done... and we haven't even had the wedding yet. Think of it, we're marrying not just our husbands, but his kids and the ex-wife. We're getting into a history between them that too often is a nasty one. What stepmother wouldn't be upset if her husband's ex wife spends the cs on something totally unrelated to the children?
Since this is an advice board, I'm now going to give some advice to Crazycat. Your fiance being in the military makes things complicated... they have wierd rules. (I wish someone would explain them to me.) My fiance is in the military too. I assume that the reason that your lawyer recommended waiting until you are married to pursue custody is because he is in the military, and God knows where they'll ship him to and when... and I've heard that is considered during custody cases... I don't know about your particular state or it's laws. About his ex (and this probably isn't anything you haven't heard before)... document every psycho thing she is doing. I don't know if will help you get custody, but maybe you could publish it as a novel to pay your lawyer (late night tired humor... sorry). If she gets violent, call the police. She sounds very unstable. As far as daycare and cs, I think someone else covered that. In my opinion, if his ex isn't working I don't see the need for her to put the children in daycare... but being that she's nuts, maybe any time away from her is good. You're a wonderful person for taking the "high road" with the children about the ex and saying positive things about her for their sakes (especially when she doesn't deserve it)... I know how that feels. I wish you and your fiance lots of happiness together.
For those of you who made it this far, I really appreciate that you listened to me.
[Edited by ash13 on 12-01-2000 at 05:42 AM]