Frustrated with dead beat ex!

[AnaB]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Massachusetts

Hi, I the custodial parent with legal/physical custody of two daughters ages 17&12. I seperated from my ex in 1999,divorced in 2001 at time we had jointe legal,with me physical custody. Child support was arranged and visitations pretty much judge left it to us to arrange accordingly to the girls schedule,activities,etc. My ex before that has always had inconsistancies with him visiting the girls. We agreed every other weekend Fri-Sunday, with him picking them up. I live an hour away. There was a time I would go to his town or meet him half way. It got to the point he started making up excuses that I live to far. So he stopped coming all together. In 2005 i requested sole physical/legal custody and he agreed. Basicaly throughtout 101/2 years my ex has caused emotional stress on my girls. Everytime they went to his place he never really was under his supervision. He would leave for hours a time,leave them with family members etc. What is the point of him taking them if he was not going to spend time with them.He has had a smoking problem(marijuana)since I met him in 1986. One time he even rolled up one in front of my oldest daughter, not acceptable. He is not involved in there lives in any which way possible. I have always tried to let him see my side that i have always wanted him to establish a more closer bond with them, to get along for the best interest of the girls. To come for parent teacher conference, to come be a part of my family. I am also remarried and have two younger children 1& 5yrs. My current husband has taken my ex's place for 9years now. He wilingly does everything that my ex should of been doing for many years. My ex has taken the easy route and can never go above and beyond. Basically for over a year, i have not spoken to my ex. My oldest has had a cellphone in which he would make calls to her and depending when would talk to my 12yrd old. My ex is like a ghost, he dissapears for months at a time, no calls nothing, and than calls out of the blue. I have let my daughtes communicate with him on there own terms but they have become emotionally hurt by him due to his lack of his fatherly duties. I see the hurt he causes them and I got so fed up to the point i no longer wished to speak to him. last year jan08, when we were sort of speaking,he askes me for a huge favor. He owed 14,000 or so in arrears of child support. He wanted to apply to become a flight attendant,but getting a passport was getting in his way due to his arrears. He told me all i had to due is contact DOR and have it taken away. I was completedly overtaken by his request. Of some much he has put my girls through, and myself this was the final straw. Me thinking it over,wanted to give him a chance and believe he wanted to set a better example to his girls, become a responsible parent, I went ahead and pardoned his arrears. Afterwards he did not take the job. And so he was given a free ride. That was it. I was done. Its not about the money anymore, after that, he just stopped calling, my daughters would call him he was nowhere to be found. Its like he knew what he did wrong and was hiding. My daughters have stable home, they are cared by a two loving parents,and have a normal life. Except the love of there father, his presencse. I know it hurts them. My ex calls yesterday after not speaking to him for so long,asking he wants them for Thanksgiving weekend. I was really surprised,he carried on like nothing was wrong. Of course i was bothered and didnt want to speak to him at that time. I hung up. He leaves me a message that he is going to court today because I have denied him the girls, which is false. What shall i do with this situation? should i go to court myself? what are my resources and how can I defend myself to explain he has been the one stopped coming around???Help!

 

[Isis1]

if dad wants to pick up his children at his court ordered time, then he has a legal right to do so.

given dad's inconsitency, you need to head to court to to modify visitation. i strongly suggest doing this today, or tomorrow. request dad attend therapy with the children as the child do need to work out their issues with their father's absence.

do you have a log of how often dad has actually showed for his visitation?

 

[AnaB]

I have kept daily planners throught the years and know i notated the dates & times,etc when he picked and drop off the girls.

There isn't know set time,weekend order in place. per initial divorce,visitation schedule was left for both me and him to agree upon on our own,and we basically agreed to biweekly pick ups. His inconsistency has been off for many years. I consulted with a lawyer today and was advised that either if he goes into court to request a modification to the visitation based on him stating I deny him to see his girls, I can wait for the trial date to show, or I can very well do it myself. Either way in the long wrong, most like the judge will impose an direct order on him either just visiting for the day,or weekend,holidays,etc. I feel i should go and do it because either way its not like on the form i can explain everything he has done until i go in front of a judge. Its possible that a mediator will be needed because it doesnt seem like he realized the emotional damage he has done to my girls by neglecting them in that kind of way. Everytime he jumps back into there lives its stress. But I will try to stay strong like I always have. There is nothing that he can do to me anymore. The damage to my girls is what kills me.

 

[Isis1]

I have kept daily planners throught the years and know i notated the dates & times,etc when he picked and drop off the girls.

There isn't know set time,weekend order in place. per initial divorce,visitation schedule was left for both me and him to agree upon on our own,and we basically agreed to biweekly pick ups. His inconsistency has been off for many years. I consulted with a lawyer today and was advised that either if he goes into court to request a modification to the visitation based on him stating I deny him to see his girls, I can wait for the trial date to show, or I can very well do it myself. Either way in the long wrong, most like the judge will impose an direct order on him either just visiting for the day,or weekend,holidays,etc. I feel i should go and do it because either way its not like on the form i can explain everything he has done until i go in front of a judge. Its possible that a mediator will be needed because it doesnt seem like he realized the emotional damage he has done to my girls by neglecting them in that kind of way. Everytime he jumps back into there lives its stress. But I will try to stay strong like I always have. There is nothing that he can do to me anymore. The damage to my girls is what kills me.

i have never been a fan of those type of schedules. it causes way too much trouble.

definitely request a modification for a more set schedule.

 

[AnaB]

Your right,what I hate the most is that I regret not doing it sooner. If this was more inforced than maybe it could have been avoided. I am too naive sometimes to believe a person can make a change and thats what I believed in him. Its sad to know that he can dissapear for over a year and not try to communicate with me. I have agreed a many occasions for him to come but he always bails out. Last time he tried was this spring possibly. He made up a lie that his father had a heart attack and had to go to Puerto Rico. Found out later it was a lie. But moving forward, wether he put a modification through or not, i will do it myself just to give me piece of mind. Once that is done,and he defaults its his loss and maybe just maybe action can be taken for him not doing his duty as a parent. Well I have to go, keep u posted on what happens. Thank you.

 

[keyster67]

1st of all: What exactly did he file for when he went to court? contempt? He will have to prove you are in actual contempt with the visitation plan. If you have an open plan--that is not the most advisable. You are allowed to file for a modification for visitation and so on...you already have legal and physical custody...you may be able to use the "abandoned" situational argument pending on proof and incorporate that into your modification. Because you pardoned all of the arrears that is a "spank spank" on your part and the judge will ask you why in the world would you do such a thing. You answer won't help you much since it's spilled milk but at least you can make mention of it. All in all, the judge is going to go over everything that was written on the paperwork filed (i.e. request for modification, contempt, etc. )and since your daughters are older (I believe, correct me if I'm wrong) you may opt to have them as witnesses, as well as supply your own. Lawyers will help you the most, but it will still be costly. Have a good lawyer--makes all of the difference!