General question for nextwife

[chatkat]

My state is Tx, but I will be referencing MI.

nextwife, my story and question could be very very long so I think I will throw a question out to you and have you ask the questions you need answers too in order to possibly answer mine. (hoping that made sence)

Is there any way to bring the states attention to a foster/adoptive parent without actually filing an action in court and trying to prove her unfit? Or claiming abuse. the laws are so vague on what constitutes neglect.
I have noticed that when my husbands ex-wife feels threatened she actually pulls it together a little and semi-parents her children. However, the state just keeps giving her more and more children and it doesn't seem like they look at her history as a mother. It seems that all the state of MI cares about it someone/anyone they can pawn the kids off on. They even advertise how much they will pay you if you foster or adopt.
The ex fosters and adopts for a living. 100% of her income is off of the children and the free programs that she is signed up for. Yet she makes the older children in the home responsible for the care of the younger children. She does not disipline the children at all for anything. She either has her eldest son disipline the children or they just run wild. As long as they leave her alone it is all good. She tells everyone, (the children are a gift from god and they are my world and what I live for) and people actually fall for that.
Anyway.. I know I didn't give you much to go on, but if you could give some kind of advise.
Before 3kidsmom or kat jump in and accuse me of trying to take the kids away from her. That is not what I am asking for. I want to know how can we make sure she is actually being a mother to the kids that she is getting a lot of money to care for.

Thanks

 

[3kidsmom]

Chatkat

first to address this...

Before 3kidsmom or kat jump in and accuse me of trying to take the kids away from her. That is not what I am asking for. I want to know how can we make sure she is actually being a mother to the kids that she is getting a lot of money to care for.

I am PRO CHILD, and PRO PARENT. Please do NOT assume my response... I just may SHOCK you, LOL.

On to the issues of these poor foster children. It is unfortunate the situation that states are in, with regards to appropriate homes (which it seems BM's is NOT one) Sad thing, is these children already have an upheaval in their lives, and NEED discipline, and attention, which it sounds like they are NOT getting.

I would think, you would be able to call in an annonymous complaint to your local CPS agency.

Edit: OOPS to HER local CPS agency.

 

[chatkat]

Thank you 3km I'm SHOCKED...LOL

Your right 3km, I did assume to know what your response would be if any. You have in other post ruffled my feathers and I felt the need to CMA (cover my A**) against others assuming I was trying to be a control freak step parent and take bio moms children away from her. I apologize.
As to your suggestion that I call CPS in her state. All the numbers you can find on and off the web are 1-800 numbers, they can not be called from outside the state. I did finally get a number that I could call and I asked general questions as to what could be done. According to CPS, you have to file an actual complaint for an actual action. The fact that her children don't bathe, or that the 8 year old is responsible for making sure the 6 year old gets her hair washed, or gets fed and other things of that nature does not constitute neglect in their opinion. They would be able to investigate the older son spanking the children only if he was leaving marks on the children and those marks had been seen. Well, the marks we hear about are on the children that we do not have visitation with or they are on my step-son when we do not have them. Bio mom and brother have plenty of notice of when we will get the kids, and know to make every effort not to have any marks on the children or resent events that the kids may tell us about. We have not witnessed any of the aligations we have. People who have witnessed our aligations won't speak because they are afraid of bio mom. This includes her own daughter and a foster child that we have spoke to. I don't understand the hold she has on the kids or the fear that she has placed in their minds.
It just really worries me that the state just keeps giving her more and more kids.
Thanks for the info.
Chat

 

[3kidsmom]

thing is with abused children...

they become "conditioned" to abuse, it is the "norm" for them I am sad to say. It is what they know.

Children are comfortable with what they know. It is a defense mechanism, if you will. Do you know of anyone in her state that may come to the aid of the children?? (friend, family member, etc??)

 

[nextwife]

Honestly, I wish I knew the answer for situations of bad parenting and bad foster parenting. WE read so many posts, for example, from biodads who can offer their children a stable, safe environment, yet they can't wrench custody from promiscuous biomoms who bring a parade of unsavory boyfriends and family moves into their lives, and who have children with different men and never work, living off CS alone, and their children suffer in so many ways. It is so hard to substantiate accusions of failures to provide discipline (which can be seen as differences in "parenting styles" as we all approach discipline a bit differently) and especially hard to prove easilly correctable lapses, such as hygiene. Getting "into" one's home to see what's really going on can be seen as Big Brotherish, so only extreme claims get action.

I don't know if the school is willing to document their daily observations. Certainly an observable pattern would bear more weight than a visit, in which the kids may very well have been cleaned up in advance.

What I will be happy to do is post a general query on on of my adoption support lists that includes foster-to-adopt parents and foster parents who are also adoptive parents. The parents who spend time seeking insight for the best handling of their children's various issues are concerned and involved, but also know the system. They do not want to see kids put in bad sitautions, either. I may be able to get some usefulk feedback.

 

[chatkat]

Thank you ladies,

3km, I don't know if there is anyone there who see's how the kids live and would be willing to step in. I do believe that bio mom is very very good at making the whole world believe she is the number one best mom. That is how she is able to get all that she does. She uses the kids in every way. All of the freebie programs feel bad for her because all her children are so sick and she has so much on her plate and is so strong!! What ever! I'm not saying she doesn' t have a full plate, at last count she has at least 9 in the home. Herself and 8 kids. This is the problem though. Poor bio mom, look at all she has to deal with. She herself says this. "I have to handle all these kids on my own" I'm only human" I say, if you have to make comments like that, then why did you just adopt another child? Why are you fostering more children? Because, like I said before, with each new child she gets more money!
As to your question. We don't have anyone that is in or near the situation that can keep us informed anymore. Anyone that we had, has gotten as far away from bio mom as possible.

Next wife, thank you for checking in with other adoptive/foster parents for me. If you get any information please let me know.
I had thought about seeing if my husband would want to contact the schools and get them to keep an eye on things. I worry that they may tell her what is going on though. Bio mom has told the whole world that dad abandoned her and the kids. My husbands son is involved in the big brother program and he told his dad during a phone conversation one day that when we go for Thanksgiving, he want his big brother to meet his dad. My step son then got quiet for a minute then said, Mom says you can't meet him. My husband told his son that his big brother and his dad are both adults and if they wanted to meet and he(my step son) wants them to meet then mom can't say no. We know that she has filled the big brothers head with god knows what about my husband. If big brother was to meet him, he would see that all she has told him is a lie. She can't let that happen. It is just a really bad situation all the way around.

My husband and I have one goal. To make sure that when the kids are with us they know they are loved, treated with respect, wont get spanked for things like having an accident in your pants. tucked in at night and fed breakfast with a hug in the morning. If they ever need to get away from bio mom and her way of life, they know our door is WIDE OPEN!! Any time, day or night! That sounds like a lot of goals, but bottom line, we won't abandon you! We are here, no matter what, unconditionally! We love you!

Thanks again for letting me get some of this stuff off my chest.

 

[SRMcMahon]

fact is, local cps agencies do NOT like to think their own foster homes are a problem. standards for neglect are far different than for kids in their own homes.

local cps agencies act under oversight by the state. you can call state human services, ask for child and family services (different states have different names, but child and family serives is the "generic" term used by the feds) and the for foster care divison. You already know that you could be perceived as trying to interfere in a family custody situation, so make sure your demeanor demonstrates that your concern is for the care being provided. The state may be giving this woman more kids that legally she should be caring for. She may need respite or other assistance. Or maybe she is a lousy foster parent. By the way, foster parents are human beings and screw up just like other human beings do--but when they screw up the system goes into self-protect mode.

Point is, the county probably won't police itself, but they are answerable to the state and at least there is a message that someone is watching. It also gives them a chance to fix the situation.

Older kids helping younger kids can be seen as lessons in cooperative effort or as "parentification" (a neglect term), pretty much a roll of the dice.

 

[chatkat]

WOW!

Thank you SRM
That is exactly why nothing has officially been said or done this far. My 24 year old step daughter begged us to get custody away from her mother, I told her that we didn't have any chance of getting custody from her because we would have to prove that the State of Michigan had made poor choices in a foster and adoptive parent. If we were able to prove she is unfit for my husbands kids, then we would have to prove she was unfit for the state kids as well. (I hope I said that right) I know that the state would not let us make them look bad and therefore would defend themselves and ultimately the ex.
So fine, we won't even attempt to get the kids, we will just make sure they know we love them and they are welcome here.

Older kids helping younger kids can be seen as lessons in cooperative effort or as "parentification" (a neglect term), pretty much a roll of the dice.

I agree that in some cases it can be seen as lessons in life for the kids to learn to help out with the family and each other.
But..... When from the age of 14, now 19 my husbands oldest son has been responsible for the discipline in the home. Including whipping the children. my husbands oldest son still at home as always been violent with the younger children. Choking them and hitting them. Bio mom has basically given him all disciplining rights. Since the age of about 15 to now, this same son is responsible for taking care of all the children when it comes to waking them up, getting their bath ready when they do take one, and medicating them. One child in her care is tube feed and on oxygen. I don't know all the medical information on him, but I do know that the 19 years old is responsible for much of his care as well. The younger kids have to do the same types of thing.

Thanks again for the info
Chat