Getting Grandmother to Respect Boundaries

[pittrocks]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? PA

Hey all...just a quick question to get some opinions..

Ex and I have 50/50 physical and legal, divorced in 2006. I have kids every Mon am through Weds pm and he has them Weds pm through Friday am, we alternate weekends (Friday am thru Mon am).

I have been remarried since 2007.

Ex has been living with his mother since 2007 (house foreclosure).
Her home is about 3 miles away from mine (different school districts).

He did remarry in March 2008, but 2nd wife was resident of county an hour away and she had her own home there. Ex would split his time between that home and his mother's house (would live with his mother on his custody time and live with the wife the other half of the time).

Ex deployed in August 2008 (Reserves) with one week notice to me. (He was already in VA at this time, ready to ship out!) Before he left he told me that he had signed over POA to his mother and she would be exercising his custody time. I told him that wasn't going to fly. I told his mother that I would allow her to see the children frequently..I offered her Weds dinner (she declined) and every other Friday night through Sat evening or Sun morning, which she did accept. I even split the holidays with her, even though I knew I didn't have to, because I knew that the kids have a close relationship with her.

Ex returned from deployment April 2009. Went back to court in August for school (he wanted to change districts because his district is more convenient for him, even though son had already completed first year at my district and was doing well). Court found that ex has record of lying about nearly everything, including stating he was non-deployable in the original custody hearing and also at the first court hearing for school rights. Ex's mother lied to local sheriff(serving ex with small claims suit) and stated that ex didn't live with her, he lived in MD. Then she lied to the court and said she only told the sheriff that ex was drilling in MD with Reserves.

Over the past year, found out that numerous times ex has been out of town on his custody time (weekdays included) for as much as 2 weeks at a time (either Reserves or civilian job..engineer). When this happened, his mother was taking care of the kids and I didn't know about it. Ex was told at court in August that he needs to let me know if he can't exercise his custody time, sort of like a verbal ROFR though it isn't court-ordered. He left town after this without telling me..I found out afterwards and had to remind him what the Master said. His mother never notified me either.

He and 2nd wife were divorced in Sept. There were some allegations of rape and abuse from her...she never pressed charges. I know he needs counseling but he won't accept that he has problems.

Grandmother is helping ex a lot with the kids. On his days she picks them up from after care and gets their dinner ready...has to help with homework.drops them off at before care, takes them to CCD, etc.
Ex works in Philly (hour away) and doesn't get home until after 7 or 7:30...I know because I call around that time to talk to kids and they pick up the phone "Is it Dad?"
All I can do is hope that eventually ex will make kids more of a priority.
(Ex has no set start time or finish time at work, he can start as early as 7 am and leave as early as 3 pm..so if he wanted to, he could leave home early enough to make this happen, he chooses not to.)

Grandmother is doing so much for this guy that she is acting like the kids' parent herself. If I e-mail ex something about the kids, it's ignored, but she will write responses and put it in the backpacks. She came to school Open House last year without being invited; I had told Dad to come but she came in his place, saying he was working. She came to class parties without my knowledge or the teacher's knowledge, again, because Dad couldn't come. She tried to set up a doctor's appointment for my son without my knowledge.
I only found out because I work at his doctor's office and they wouldn't allow her to schedule the appt. I politely emailed her later telling her that she needs to respect that she is not the kids' parent and she needs to step back a little.
She ignored this and continues to do what she wants.

I've sent Dad polite e-mails about this as well and it's just ignored.

I don't trust either of them. I will not stoop to grilling the kids about where their father is when he's supposed to be with them. I recognize that they have a close relationship with their grandmother, but it's getting a little ridiculous.


Anyone have any suggestions? Maybe I'm concerned over nothing...

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? PA

Hey all...just a quick question to get some opinions..

Ex and I have 50/50 physical and legal, divorced in 2006. I have kids every Mon am through Weds pm and he has them Weds pm through Friday am, we alternate weekends (Friday am thru Mon am).

I have been remarried since 2007.

Ex has been living with his mother since 2007 (house foreclosure).
Her home is about 3 miles away from mine (different school districts).

He did remarry in March 2008, but 2nd wife was resident of county an hour away and she had her own home there. Ex would split his time between that home and his mother's house (would live with his mother on his custody time and live with the wife the other half of the time).

Ex deployed in August 2008 (Reserves) with one week notice to me. (He was already in VA at this time, ready to ship out!) Before he left he told me that he had signed over POA to his mother and she would be exercising his custody time. I told him that wasn't going to fly. I told his mother that I would allow her to see the children frequently..I offered her Weds dinner (she declined) and every other Friday night through Sat evening or Sun morning, which she did accept. I even split the holidays with her, even though I knew I didn't have to, because I knew that the kids have a close relationship with her.

Ex returned from deployment April 2009. Went back to court in August for school (he wanted to change districts because his district is more convenient for him, even though son had already completed first year at my district and was doing well). Court found that ex has record of lying about nearly everything, including stating he was non-deployable in the original custody hearing and also at the first court hearing for school rights. Ex's mother lied to local sheriff(serving ex with small claims suit) and stated that ex didn't live with her, he lived in MD. Then she lied to the court and said she only told the sheriff that ex was drilling in MD with Reserves.

Over the past year, found out that numerous times ex has been out of town on his custody time (weekdays included) for as much as 2 weeks at a time (either Reserves or civilian job..engineer). When this happened, his mother was taking care of the kids and I didn't know about it. Ex was told at court in August that he needs to let me know if he can't exercise his custody time, sort of like a verbal ROFR though it isn't court-ordered. He left town after this without telling me..I found out afterwards and had to remind him what the Master said. His mother never notified me either.

He and 2nd wife were divorced in Sept. There were some allegations of rape and abuse from her...she never pressed charges. I know he needs counseling but he won't accept that he has problems.

Grandmother is helping ex a lot with the kids. On his days she picks them up from after care and gets their dinner ready...has to help with homework.drops them off at before care, takes them to CCD, etc.
Ex works in Philly (hour away) and doesn't get home until after 7 or 7:30...I know because I call around that time to talk to kids and they pick up the phone "Is it Dad?"
All I can do is hope that eventually ex will make kids more of a priority.
(Ex has no set start time or finish time at work, he can start as early as 7 am and leave as early as 3 pm..so if he wanted to, he could leave home early enough to make this happen, he chooses not to.)

Grandmother is doing so much for this guy that she is acting like the kids' parent herself. If I e-mail ex something about the kids, it's ignored, but she will write responses and put it in the backpacks. She came to school Open House last year without being invited; I had told Dad to come but she came in his place, saying he was working. She came to class parties without my knowledge or the teacher's knowledge, again, because Dad couldn't come. She tried to set up a doctor's appointment for my son without my knowledge.
I only found out because I work at his doctor's office and they wouldn't allow her to schedule the appt. I politely emailed her later telling her that she needs to respect that she is not the kids' parent and she needs to step back a little.
She ignored this and continues to do what she wants.

I've sent Dad polite e-mails about this as well and it's just ignored.

I don't trust either of them. I will not stoop to grilling the kids about where their father is when he's supposed to be with them. I recognize that they have a close relationship with their grandmother, but it's getting a little ridiculous.


Anyone have any suggestions? Maybe I'm concerned over nothing...

If dad is living with his mother, unfortunately that does mean that grandma is likely to develop a sense of entitlement to the children which may end up not being healthy. That would explain her "overstepping".

There really is very little that you can do about that unless grandma starts being a lot more blatant than she is. Lots of grandparents attend school functions/parties.

However, if dad is truly not present, frequently for his entire visitation periods, then you could go back to court to ask that an ROFR (Right of First Refusal) be incorporated in your orders, requiring dad to give you the time if he will not be present. A judge may or may not agree to that, but it doesn't hurt to ask. However, please understand that it will go both ways.

 

[pittrocks]

Thanks LD..

I'm aware about the ROFR applying to both parties...I have told Dad repeatedly that if I just had notice first, I wouldn't mind so much with grandmother watching the kids for extended periods, only that I would appreciate him giving me notice. Of course he only does that when he feels like it, which is probably about 1 out of 5 times.

I have even thought about driving to his mother's house in the middle of the night on his custody time to see if his car is there or not...crazy!!
Deciding whether to make this an actual issue is the fun part...hiring a PI to tail him isn't going to work with my budget, and I really don't like the idea of thinking about his whereabouts at all. (Don't want to care, really, only that he's around when he needs to be for the kids!)

Of course he doesn't listen to anyone but himself, so he brushes me off when I mention constructively that the children are old enough to realize when he's not there and know that he should be. I've seriously thought about asking him since his schedule is so intense (his words) that perhaps he should let me have the kids full-time except for one weekday dinner and every other weekend, that way he'd have more "fun time" with them and I could take care of the mundane things...I really would sign a stipulation that I wouldn't ask for increase in child support, even though it isn't enforceable. When we split up he told me to my face that he wanted 50/50 custody so he wouldn't have to pay child support...he even said that with his mortgage payment I would end up having to pay HIM.
He was wrong...anyway..just venting, I guess. He does love the kids very much. No way that he would agree to this suggestion anyway; he gets to say "I'm a great dad" while his mother does all the work, why would he want to give that up??