going back to Reasonable and Customary

[Exsisto]

What is the name of your state? IN

This is just recent, over the past few weeks worth but part of my notes. If it sounds ex-bashing then it is, I did note some good things but even a few days after this writing I have a hard time adding to the positive column.

I got a call Tuesday, December 9th night from the father. He told me that he would be working Friday night until 8:00PM. He asked if he could pick our up late for weekend visitation. He then told me he would be bringing him back the next morning because he had to be back to work at 9:30AM the next morning on Saturday.
I said no. It makes no sense to take him on a 20 minute late night car trip across the city to go to his house to sleep, wake up and come back home the very next morning, then go back after his father gets off work at 2:30PM that same day. I am the custodial parent, not a babysitter during his fathers visitation time.

After being unemployed for the majority of 2003 he has a great chance at regaining stability in his finances and finding a new home for himself and for our son during his time with him. Stability is what is my concern and quality of time, not quantity. At the beginning of 2004 he doesn't have any place to stay for sure at the time of this writing.

The father argued that he didn't see what the difference was and he didn't understand why there was a problem. I told him it was perposterous to take our son to his apartment to just sleep, wake up and come back across town and then go back a few hours later after he finishes work at 2:30PM.

The father asked me to put our son on the phone and let him decide. I did not let our son make this descision. I believe that a nine year old child is able to make a common sense descision such as this. Sure he can, "yes, I would like to go off to magic daddy land for a few hours". He told me that this was our son's descision. I said "no, it's my descision".

The trip is after his normal bedtime which would be no problem if he were to be able to stay with his father, get an appropriate time to sleep and be in one place for the entire weekend. Our is allowed to stay up as late as 11:00PM as I have heard from his father on more than one occasion on the weekends, get a few hours sleep and come home the very next morning makes no sense and the best thing for our son would be to get a good night sleep, then spend time with his father after work Saturday until Sunday evening. The promotion of stability here is in the best interest. After we both repeated ourselves a couple of times my ex said "I'm not going to argue about this" I said "good, goodbye" and hung up the phone.

The weekend of December 5th through 7th the father informed me that if he couldn't borrow some money for food he may need to surrender visitation that weekend. He was able to aquire some money but brought our son home early on Sunday after a meal for breakfast and a snack so he can have a full dinner at home. For the past 3 weekends our son has wanted to come home a few hours early on Sundays. I have been told it was because he wants to play his computer game. After December 7th I now wonder if it was to come home and eat. Sounds harsh but he is barely making it and his adult son from a previous marriage has been paying his bills for the last 4 months.


We have always worked out visitation between ourselves giving the father very liberal time with his son which includes every weekend and what used to be all weekend until Monday morning and a mid week overnight he would drive him to school changed to Sunday evening after last school year our son would be tardy almost half the time coming back to school from his father's house. I had to cut any overnight visitation on school nights when he started oversleeping and the school would call my house wondering where our son was. Most times I would not get a call from his father before the school calls. Sometimes his car wouldn't start or break down on the way or they just didn't wake up in time and decide to take the day off. Now that the father no longer has his job at the bowling alley which his schedule changed three to four times a year making visitation times difficult for us to stick to a consistant schedule I will need to force the court ordered reasonable and customary guidlines. I am afraid that with an overnight visitation on Wednesday night he will start being tardy and missing school again. Even though his father has demanded that he provide transportation to and fro I will be sticking to the guidelines and taking our son to school in the morings from his house even though it means a 60 minute drive for me since the school is 2 blocks from our house.


The only thing that is in our court order that still happens is visitation as the father pays no medical, does not provide medical insurance (which is fine as his employment has always been sketchy, he does not keep a residence for much more than a year and then looses that due to non-payment and he has informed me that he is only interested in self-employment once he gets settled again) and he is now over $800 behind on child support. Pocket change to some but this is the third time in three years he has fallen several hundred dollars behind. It's time we go by the books here at I stop doing him favors above and beyond the call of duty as I feel in the past I have been too patient, too forgiving and passive with what is not our son's fault nor problems and should be taken care of by a grown man alone. His father has been outspoken with his unhappiness with my descisions made concerning our son's schooling is not only argued by his father but from father to son. Our son has expressed to me more than once "dad says what you're doing is wrong". Once last summer on the way to baseball practice and again during ISTEP study group. Our son was required to attend summer school the past summer in order to pass onto the Third Grade. He did very poorly and when they offered an ISTEP preperation course for the children at the school I enrolled him in that as well. He, later during the school year was invited along with other selected children, to an ISTEP study group. I enrolled him in that of course as well. His father didn't like all this extra work our son was doing even though his grades were poor and he didn't seem to care much for his school work. My ex asked me "why do you keep doing this to him?" I believed I was helping our son be better prepared.

The more he attended the worse his performance got. Over the past couple of weeks our son's behaviour and grades have taken a serious turn for the worse even though he knows that he may not pass the Third Grade and he is starting to get detentions. Nine years old, third grade, detentions? I didn't think he was capable of this. He's a real good child, sweet and his teacher really likes him and he has a family of loving people that no holds bar show it. He's acting out for some reason but won't tell me right now. He claims he keeps thinking about his game (which he has lost due to the horrible grades that came home on Monday) Knowing his father's attitude agianst the descisions I have made and the school requirements and recommendations that I follow he seems lacking interest much more than "you need to try harder" in helping our son get serious and better himself. His favorite saying is "all he has to know how to do is use a computer and make change for a $20". He agreed to help him with homework over the weekends so it's not crammed into the last two hours between returning home and bedtime but not in the way the homework or studies need to be done to be sucessful. I have had to undo and help redo assignments and studies for tests when he gets home on Sundays. Our son has told me that he has told his father how things should be done but his father does things his own way ignoring our son's knowledge, educational needs and requests.

 

[FJ1200guy]

I may have missed your question... LOL.

I guess I'll just coment on your comments!

"I got a call Tuesday, December 9th night from the father. He told me that he would be working Friday night until 8:00PM. He asked if he could pick our up late for weekend visitation. He then told me he would be bringing him back the next morning because he had to be back to work at 9:30AM the next morning on Saturday.
I said no. It makes no sense to take him on a 20 minute late night car trip across the city to go to his house to sleep, wake up and come back home the very next morning, then go back after his father gets off work at 2:30PM that same day. I am the custodial parent, not a babysitter during his fathers visitation time."

I think you should have let him go. Dad is trying to do what he can to see his son, even if it doesn't fit into your idea of "stability". I do see your point on this. I still don't see the harm.

"The father asked me to put our son on the phone and let him decide. I did not let our son make this descision. I believe that a nine year old child is able to make a common sense descision such as this. Sure he can, "yes, I would like to go off to magic daddy land for a few hours". He told me that this was our son's descision. I said "no, it's my descision". "

I agree that the kid should be left out of this. I think it's all about control here for you. This should have been a dialogue, not "It's MY decision"... it could have been a good opportunity for you to relent after making it known how you felt. And indicating that next time this would be handled different.

"Sounds harsh but he is barely making it and his adult son from a previous marriage has been paying his bills for the last 4 months."

Give the guy a break... if he can't feed him, he's already shown he will let you have him during his time. Put yourself in his shoes. It'd SUCK to miss time with your child because you can't afford food.

"I am afraid that with an overnight visitation on Wednesday night he will start being tardy and missing school again. Even though his father has demanded that he provide transportation to and fro I will be sticking to the guidelines and taking our son to school in the morings from his house even though it means a 60 minute drive for me since the school is 2 blocks from our house."

I see your point here, since there have been issues before. If Dad had trouble getting the child to school, he should have called you. Dad doesn't seem to put as much importance on school as he should. May give the son the wrong idea. I'd talk to him about this for sure.

"Our son has expressed to me more than once "dad says what you're doing is wrong"."

Dad is wrong to involve a child in issues between you 2 (oh and there are issues!).

"His father didn't like all this extra work our son was doing even though his grades were poor and he didn't seem to care much for his school work. My ex asked me "why do you keep doing this to him?" I believed I was helping our son be better prepared."

You are doing good. Even if dad believes what he is saying, there is no reason not to want your son to do well and succeed in school. But it shouldn't be an issue that you beat your son with... his self esteem shouldn't depend on his grades. As a matter of fact, his self esteem will need to be bolstered by the parents, because doing bad in school can make a kid feel bad about himself.


Looks like the issues bewteen you and the dad are affecting your son. You two had best quit fighting for control and join forces to help this boy out. Just an opinion... I'm SURE you'll get more!

 

[hexeliebe]

Now as to the LEGAL aspect of what you did.

I got a call Tuesday, December 9th night from the father. He told me that he would be working Friday night until 8:00PM. He asked if he could pick our up late for weekend visitation. He then told me he would be bringing him back the next morning because he had to be back to work at 9:30AM the next morning on Saturday.
I said no. It makes no sense to take him on a 20 minute late night car trip across the city to go to his house to sleep, wake up and come back home the very next morning, then go back after his father gets off work at 2:30PM that same day. I am the custodial parent, not a babysitter during his fathers visitation time.

If your ex wanted to pursue this he could file a Show Cause for Contempt of court. You admitted that this was the father's visitation time. Visitation is not a priviledge it is a right. And although you may not like it, it is not your choice but the father's whether or not he will exercise that right.

By Not allowing your son to be picked up at 8 p.m. you effectively denied the father his court-ordered visitation thereby failing to abide by a valid court order.

After being unemployed for the majority of 2003 he has a great chance at regaining stability in his finances and finding a new home for himself and for our son during his time with him. Stability is what is my concern and quality of time, not quantity. At the beginning of 2004 he doesn't have any place to stay for sure at the time of this writing.

Unless the Court Order specifically states the child must reside with the Father at a residence owned by the father then this is none of your business. You (and he) gave up the right to make these decisions when you divorced and gave jurisdiction of the child over to the courts.

There are thousands of men and women who exercise visitation in motels, hotels, resorts, friend's homes and other places and they all have one thing in common, they abide by court orders.

Again, this is not your business.

The father argued that he didn't see what the difference was and he didn't understand why there was a problem. I told him it was perposterous to take our son to his apartment to just sleep, wake up and come back across town and then go back a few hours later after he finishes work at 2:30PM.

And what will you tell a judge when you're charged with contempt of court. "But your honor, I know what is best for my child?" You will lose that argument and be fined or worse. Leave the attitude in the closet. Again, this is not your decision to make.

The father asked me to put our son on the phone and let him decide. I did not let our son make this descision. I believe that a nine year old child is able to make a common sense descision such as this. Sure he can, "yes, I would like to go off to magic daddy land for a few hours". He told me that this was our son's descision. I said "no, it's my descision".

This is the only valid point you have made up to this point and it has nothing to do with 'daddyland'. Children do not make decisions in custody and visitation issues. But then, neither do the parents. I say again, those decisions have already been made for you by a valid court order. FOLLOW IT!

he is now over $800 behind on child support.

Child support has nothing legally to do with visitation. He could be $50,000 behind and still be entitled to visitation under the law.

Your entire post is nothing more than what attorney's and judges see every day. And although it's unfortunate that's life. But legally you have no valid argument except as noted above.

IF you want changes in the schedule, in the situation and in the atmospher then you need to return to court. Otherwise, you are the only one violating the court order.

 

[Exsisto]

Opinions, experiences and examples are what are welcomed. Having a non-biased outlook what I have posted is what I would like to hear.

The father's finacial situation has lasted the entire time I have known him, which is now just over ten years and everything is everyone's fault but his own and totally out of his control. I hate hearing it because it lacks responsibility and ownership and the example it sets.
I am not his mother or his couselor so I should let that all roll off by now.


Beating, pestering, dead horse.....we have time to do homework every day. I am home from work before he gets home every day. Things are explained to him in class, I then will explain it to him at the table if he doesn't remember, he then guesses the answers sometimes as if he's waiting for me to say yes or no. Sometimes flat out wanting me to give him the answers. Sometimes I do when that puzzled look comes across his face. There are plenty of times where he just "gets it" and it all clicks. Nothing really out of what I would consider ordinary for a child with daily homework in two or more subjects each day. I have spent just as much time teaching him how to learn and extract important information from a problem and comprehension as we do on practicing math and spelling and simple repetitive tasks.

The papers he does at home are coming back fine. The papers he does at school are coming back horrible. I am getting talks with the teacher sometimes 2-3 times a week, sometimes once and it's a good one. She has proven to me that she pays attention to her students in my eyes. It's all very simple in our minds that if he just does what he is supposed to do things go fine. I can't give the teacher any answers as to what the problems could be. It's become very frustrating as I'm sure you understand.

As to the difference in enthusiasm between his father and I, maybe I am way more involved and detailed than normal and he just lets it ride.

Now a control issue for me wanting to keep my son home instead of having him go late night, return the next morning, then go back a few hours later. Visitation is almost twice what it states in the papers, I have been very liberal in this area but it just made no sense at all. Still doesn't but that being a dead issue since we had a wonderful time visiting with my mom tonight. My family barely gets to see our son since the only days he is with us are school nights with school, homework that can last two hours, dinner, bath, reading time and bed by 8:00pm.

I think now I can see that part of this could be the only time I have time with our son is when it's all business and do this and do that, we don't have time for going to movies, out to play, visit with my mother, let alone anyone from my family or any real fun time and my family misses him dearly from what both my mother stated tonight as well as my sister said two weeks ago when I brought school pictures up for her and my mother which was the first time in weeks they had seen his face. Going to reasonable and customary giving every other weekend to our family is just as important to our son as his time is with his father. That should be more of a focus than much else. Stability is still top of the list but tonight after the visit it brought up some very good thoughts.


(edit: I see your point on visitation violation and I still have time to apologize. Even if I don't need to I will in case it has caused him to be upset with me. That always brings holy hell. We aren't enemies. Let me restate, he has been getting every weekend for almost two years. It started during the summer of 2002 since his father couldn't take off work for weeks on end to do a true summer visitation. I had a great opportunity for work, took it, we kept the schedule the way it was. We have also split up the holiday days since both of our families live in the same city but the past two years we have preferenced his family as his mother has been ill for so long I treat it as it would be her last and it would be a shame for our son to miss an important holiday with that grandmother.)

 

[Exsisto]

Child support has nothing legally to do with visitation.

I know, my first sentence in my first post says that this is part of my notes. I keep documentation for a future "contempt of court" date I plan on making for arrerage of medical bills and CS in the near future. Looks like we both will be getting in trouble on that day.

I took out names and any personal references that I keep for myself so if you thought I meant, well, pffft, he's behind on child support then he ain't gonna see his baby then I can see how you could have assumed that was my belief. I kept it in to establish pattern of the father. There brings the next sentence of "if this sounds ex-bashing, then it is". I am not unlike anyone else who will break someone else down yet not disclose much of what I may or may not have done to contribute to a problem. I do, however believe I keep as honest to a point as I can.

I guess making notes for myself and making sure what I say is decipherable on a forum are quite different. I will learn in time. That's part of why I like it here already. I got tired of everyone around me saying, oh you are right, he is wrong, you go girl! I need reality as it applies to a situation, not a "yes man" (or yes woman).

 

[WyattJ]

Just the other day my son's father expressed to me that our son's grades were great! I said well when are you going to thank me for helping him with his homework...since he refuses to help him at all during his visits. His logic to that is well he is only down for two hours on Wednesday and I'm not going to waste that two hours having study time, and but then he says that well if he has tons of homework then I can see helping him but just for one sheet of homework why bother, of course, I disagree, I told him that it would be a time to bond with our son but that is his decision next time you think his grades are great....keeping thanking me for working with him....lol (and I was being a smart a$$ - DO NOT WORRY I was not trying to be controlling but he wants it all why not help with it all)

My son is 9 and in the 3rd grade - my son's grades were slipping and have sooooo many detentions - all this before the 3rd grade - in second grade I held him back - it work great.

 

[FJ1200guy]

I have to admit... as far as commenting on the LEGAL aspects of your post, I wasn't really sure when the dads visitation was, and when you just agreed to visitation... it was pretty unclear if you had gone against the actual order. If you don't follow the set CO for visitation, of course that is contempt....
So aside from the "reasonable and liberal" bull, what does the CO say about his visitation exactly?

 

[Exsisto]

Well, I am such a dumb a**. I have to be up in less than 4 hours now to get up for work but I just couldn't sleep. Mulling this through my mind and finding in myself why my son probably can't tell me why he has been acting up in class, doing so badly and becoming so argumentative towards me. This is an email that I have sent his teacher. She is supposed to email me this weekend with his grades as they stand now. He still may not pass and even though we started him a year late because of where his birthday falls it may not be such a bad idea to hold him back. Maybe it's not too late.

Dear Teacher,

You know, went to see his grandmother, my mother tonight. It's the first time she has seen him since the first week in October. It's been longer for my sister and weeks again before then. It really made me think tonight.
Our son is gone every weekend. Really he is to be with his father every other weekend but we started a new schedule due to scheduling and summer vacations and it just stayed that way when I found a great opportunity to catch work while he was with his father. Now that those days are over and our son's needs are greater now than ever it seems a crime not to make a change.
Anyway, to the point. our son is here at home only during days when it's a school night, it's all business, school, homework that can sometimes last up to two hours. He get's some time on the computer, with his friends sparatically or with games. My husband comes home, we all have dinner, there's bath, reading time and bed. It's all do this and do that. I don't think he has been allowed to have much fun here at home in a VERY long time. And let's not forget the trouble in school, lectures, taking away of prized possessions here at home. Then it's all fun and games over the weekends on the other side of town. Why? Cause it's the weekend and there's nothing important or timely to do and routine falls to the wayside and you relax and have *gasp* fun?

All work and no play makes little boys very unhappy.

I really wonder if that could be a large part of his problems. Home must seem like a prison at times for him with me as the warden. Epiphany no? This hit me like a ton of bricks when we were having such a good time out and about tonight with nothing to worry about and nowhere particular to go and he laughed and laughed and had a great time. That's the little boy I know as my son. Not this boy that gives everyone a hard time. He has always been so well behaved that the past week has been so out of character for him I think I have been looking in the wrong direction for the root of the problem.

I have been asking him what the problem is. He keeps going back to "i was thinking about my game." Well that doesn't cut it for me. But, that is the most pleasurable thing he has here. Today, his answer for why he was blatenly not doing what he was supposed to be doing was "because it was fun." You know what? This kid is tired! I'm sure there is somewhere in there an unpleasant association with home and work and school and no fun. He sure is a strong soul that child. Sure we have some homework that we can and do make fun but there is a schedule, a routine and it all can't be clowns and video games. How would you feel if you got up in the morning, did math practice, ate breakfast, went to school, came home, did homework, did math practice, spelling practice, little time for games as long as you didn't screw up, clean up your room, dinner, bath, reading, bed.....got up in the morning, did math practice, ate breakfast....lather, rinse, repeat.

I really think that A. He doesn't recognize this as a problem nor can he analyze it or B. If he does recognize it there's no way in blazes he would tell me....would you?

After my last post I tried to go to bed and get some sleep but it all started spinning in my head. I will almost damned well garauntee you this is a large part of our son's problems. He's just as if not more frustrated as I am but since he's not the parent he can't do much about it.

Excuse me while I go iron my hands.

 

[Exsisto]

I have to admit... as far as commenting on the LEGAL aspects of your post, I wasn't really sure when the dads visitation was, and when you just agreed to visitation... it was pretty unclear if you had gone against the actual order. If you don't follow the set CO for visitation, of course that is contempt....
So aside from the "reasonable and liberal" bull, what does the CO say about his visitation exactly?

Every other weekend, Wed night overnight. All of the holidays are as they commonly are. It doesn't give me the right to change things on a semicolon but seeing that I think I hit on a real point in my above post most of what I have said up to this post is more venting and hot air in comparison.

 

[WyattJ]

Understanding

I don't understand when during the school year that the child stays overnight during a week night? I would think the child has a better stability when having over night visits on weekends starting Friday night and comming home Sunday, and then a dinner time visit during the week.

As for homework...I went through the same thing. Homework started in 1st grade and it was overwelming. I told the teacher about it, how trying to keep up with everything plus our schedule at home, after that the homework went down a bit. Then second grade came and I had to make the same comment. It didn't work, so the second time around in second grade I tried it again, and it worked. This year has gotten alot better, I didn't say anything. The teacher gives them a paper for spelling - three things to do with the spelling words, gives it to the students on Monday and wants it done by Thursday. Sometime in between he will have reading and math but not overwelming it all in one night.

 

[Melanie_Jenkins]

You said you wanted opinions..

"I am the custodial parent, not a babysitter during his fathers visitation time."

Personally, I think you should be grateful he wanted you to take him back in the morning, instead of pawning him off on anyone else. At least then you know he -is- being taken care of properly. I kinda doubt the father looked at you in any other way, than your child's mother. (I could be wrong, I don't know him)

That being said, you should try harder to foster the time your son spends with his dad. If the dad is having a hard time putting food in the house, make sure your son has something to eat while he is there. It's not your responsibility to feed your ex, I know that, believe me. But you really should be thankful he -is- being a part in your sons life.

You can bet if my ex gave a hoot about our kids and wanted to spend time with them, but had trouble doing so.. I would help him out if I could. Even if I had to offer him my place for a few hours while I went out shopping or something.

As far as your family missing your son and you feeling like all you do is say "Do this, do that" Maybe you could talk to your son's teacher and ask if you could get Tuesday's homework on Monday or something to free up a night for you. There's a lot of understanding teachers out there that would do this if asked. Your sons teacher may be one of them. Then push his Tuesday bedtime to 9 instead of 8, giving you some extra time at grandma's or your sisters.

These are just suggestions, I don't expect everyone or anyone for that matter to agree with me. But there's always a way to work things out, if you're just willing to be a bigger person. I finally learned awhile ago that money isn't my children's happiness, they would just like their dad back in their lives again. Sadly, it's one wish I cannot grant them.

(Side note: Of course, you could always try to modify your court order too if the above doesn't work for you) *chuckles*

 

[stealth2]

Just wonder if part of the problem with your son is that he feels the tension, etc. between you and Dad? It would go a long way towards explaining why he's chosen to act out in a way that he knows will bother you, as well as why he won't tell you what the problem is. Something to consider.

The Friday night p/u... I'm sorry, but I would've just let Dad pick him up late, bring him home, and then get him after work. So he stays up late on the w/e? My kids do - routinely. Sometimes we have to get up early and they're tired, but that's the way life sometimes goes. (I also have a 9yo.)

Anyway, I do have further thoughts that might help, but I've got to dash to get my kids. So it'll have to be later.

 

[Exsisto]

You said you wanted opinions..

"I am the custodial parent, not a babysitter during his fathers visitation time."

Personally, I think you should be grateful he wanted you to take him back in the morning, instead of pawning him off on anyone else. At least then you know he -is- being taken care of properly. I kinda doubt the father looked at you in any other way, than your child's mother. (I could be wrong, I don't know him)

FYI, I didn't say anything like that to his father or to anyone outside this forum. I just expressed a rotten thought in my post.

That being said, you should try harder to foster the time your son spends with his dad. If the dad is having a hard time putting food in the house, make sure your son has something to eat while he is there. It's not your responsibility to feed your ex, I know that, believe me. But you really should be thankful he -is- being a part in your sons life.

I have sent money with him many times over the years. This constant pattern of "they did this and they did that, they layed a bunch of people off/desolved the position" has been the excuse of why he is unemployed most of the time over the past few years and every other time he has been unemployed. It's always because of something out of his control, there was nothing he could do. Must be the most unlucky man alive when it comes to keeping a job.

You can bet if my ex gave a hoot about our kids and wanted to spend time with them, but had trouble doing so.. I would help him out if I could. Even if I had to offer him my place for a few hours while I went out shopping or something.

I'm sorry to hear you are in that situation. I have let him use my car countless times, internet for hours on end and phone, even when he is flat out ordering me around in my own house and there is no thank you, no please. It's all "why don't you let me use this, why don't you do that.

As far as your family missing your son and you feeling like all you do is say "Do this, do that" Maybe you could talk to your son's teacher and ask if you could get Tuesday's homework on Monday or something to free up a night for you. There's a lot of understanding teachers out there that would do this if asked. Your sons teacher may be one of them. Then push his Tuesday bedtime to 9 instead of 8, giving you some extra time at grandma's or your sisters.

So we are to ask the teacher to make special occasion for our son and give privilage that others don't get and show him that he can ask for something he wants, special treatment and get it without following the rules that the other children have to follow?

These are just suggestions, I don't expect everyone or anyone for that matter to agree with me. But there's always a way to work things out, if you're just willing to be a bigger person. I finally learned awhile ago that money isn't my children's happiness, they would just like their dad back in their lives again. Sadly, it's one wish I cannot grant them.

(Side note: Of course, you could always try to modify your court order too if the above doesn't work for you) *chuckles*

Maybe you've missed the part of my posts where I have said I'm going back to reasonable and customary. There's no court to go to for this. We have the papers. I'm going to talk with him in a friendly manner and explain the situation. The visitation has been much more than what is court ordered and it's time that it's changed. My son's relationship with me is just as important as with his father. You guys are talking to me like I'm taking him away from his father completely.


To stealth2: That's possible, it's always something to take into consideration and part of why I have come here and drawn out what I have so far is I've been looking for possible answers to the questions of "what could I possibly be doing that is wrong" so I can actually see it and fix it in myself.

You guys don't know this man. Mental and emotional abuse and a control freak. That's why I left, that's why his ex-wife left years before. It may have something to do with the fact that he's 18 years my senior, it may not but it's still fact.

I have to get back to work.

 

[Melanie_Jenkins]

I didn't mean to make you so defensive. I could only go by your original post, which said nothing about you helping him out countless times and letting him use your internet. (though it could have and I just missed it, it was a long post)

I just threw out some idea's in which you may be able to make things work more smoothly. I wasn't attacking you, nor do I think you are trying to steal the son away completely. *chuckles* Don't know where you got that idea.

As far as the homework thing, you could look at it as making him have a special privilege. However, I think it would be more work for your son. You say he has two hours of homework each night roughly, on one night he would have four. I don't think any of the other kids would envy this of your son.

Now, as far as your 'rotten thought'. I also never said -anything- about you saying this to the dad, nor did I give you the impression that I thought you did. You should never feel like you are the babysitter, you are the childs mother.

I was trying to help, not condemn. I'm sorry you got so offended by suggestions.

 

[Exsisto]

Well Melanie, I didn't want to come onto these boards with "I have done all this and he has done so little except give me a hard time." I wanted to show some good with the bad to give a broader perspective. Don't mean to dog on you, forums lack the advatage of inflection and mannerisms so some meanings can get lost in type.



I did just talk with dad about every other weekend. It started out fairly well. I wanted there to be an understanding between us and thought he would see that our son has no real fun time with us during the school year, it's all concentrated routine and no time to play with his friends as they don't go out and play during the week as they are in the same class and have just as much homework and studies and similar schedules as we do and no time to have visits with my side of the family.

He did offer to just do Saturday afternoon through Sunday evening. In that same breath he said that it may not be a bad idea until he moves over close to us, then our son can come visit during the week.

He then said that at our son's age it wouldn't be a good idea. If anyone knows that could have meant please let me know, I'm at a complete loss here. Our son came out (he was up in his room coloring on his window with special markers we got for coloring on windows) to tell me that he couldn't find his GameCube games. I had stopped talking about it when I saw the door open. Our son is standing no more than two feet beside us and his father continues the conversation as if he's talking to both of us now. wth

They almost take off but forget something and our son goes back inside to get it and I tell him how inappropriate that was. Dad said "you know, I just don't care". "I don't believe your motivations to be true and I just don't care. There's nothing I can do about it, just tell me when and where cause there's no choice in it for me. I don't need any bs with this."

It's nothing more than what can be expected.

On another note, took our son this morning to get his flu shot, they ran out early as people were camped out since dark. There were 2,000 people, 800 vaccines. Didn't get it. Asked dad if he could take him tomorrow early and here, I will give you the Rx, $20 to cover the cost of the vaccine and a bottle of Children's Tylenol in case he has any reactions to the shot." He said, "well, he's probably already been exposed, it's probably too late anyway." Maybe I'm a little sensitive but I was hoping for more of a "sure, we can take care of it."