gone 13 years

[absent father]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?California
Trying to be as brief as possible, my ex husband walked out on our son before he was a year old. We separated when I was 1mo. pregnant. I told him he could see his son whenever he liked and he left. I didn't hear from him for 13yrs. When the county served him to go to court for child support he started calling me at work before it even went to court saying "You got what you wanted" and things like that. I explained to him that I did not do this and have no controll over that. They were doing it because I had previously been on state aide. After several failed attempts to manipulate the courts, such as, after there was a court order here for support he filed for divorce in another county claiming No Children of the marriage. We did ultimitly get the divorce and he was awarded visitation. I have been more than cooperative like allowing him weekends that he was not supposed to have him and things like that. Then a couple of months ago the county served him again to take him to court and make him find employment, because when they started attaching his wages he quit his job. He has not paid any support for a year. This angered him so he filed for custody. He submited four pages of complete lies to try and gain custody. The Judge did not buy it but did order us back to mediation. After four sessions I was still willing to compromise, I was going to allow my son to live with him as long as his grades improved, he is struggling in school, but he was still not satisfied. The mediator put her head in her hands and refered us for a Judicial Custody Conference. My question is how do I stop this maddness? He has an attorney, I have been unemployed since January, my boyfriend of 11yrs is supporting us (including his son). Every time we go to court or mediation I have to drive an hour away and my car is getting in pretty bad shape. I have compromised about as much as I can allow myself to because I know that he does not have my sons intrest in mind, he just does NOT want to have to pay support to me even if it's for his son. At our first mediation the Very first words he said was "We need to get you off of aide so they do not take money out of my checks." I explained to him that I have not been on aide in years, even though I do qualify since I am unemployed. I do not know how to put an end to this since I cannot get legal help for family law. I do not understand why people who knowingly break the law get legal help when they get caught, but when you just try to do what is right for your child you get no help. Any advise would be helpful.

 

[Happy Trails]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?California
Trying to be as brief as possible, my ex husband walked out on our son before he was a year old. We separated when I was 1mo. pregnant. I told him he could see his son whenever he liked and he left. I didn't hear from him for 13yrs. When the county served him to go to court for child support he started calling me at work before it even went to court saying "You got what you wanted" and things like that. I explained to him that I did not do this and have no controll over that. They were doing it because I had previously been on state aide. After several failed attempts to manipulate the courts, such as, after there was a court order here for support he filed for divorce in another county claiming No Children of the marriage. We did ultimitly get the divorce and he was awarded visitation. I have been more than cooperative like allowing him weekends that he was not supposed to have him and things like that. Then a couple of months ago the county served him again to take him to court and make him find employment, because when they started attaching his wages he quit his job. He has not paid any support for a year. This angered him so he filed for custody. He submited four pages of complete lies to try and gain custody. The Judge did not buy it but did order us back to mediation. After four sessions I was still willing to compromise, I was going to allow my son to live with him as long as his grades improved, he is struggling in school, but he was still not satisfied. The mediator put her head in her hands and refered us for a Judicial Custody Conference. My question is how do I stop this maddness? He has an attorney, I have been unemployed since January, my boyfriend of 11yrs is supporting us (including his son). Every time we go to court or mediation I have to drive an hour away and my car is getting in pretty bad shape. I have compromised about as much as I can allow myself to because I know that he does not have my sons intrest in mind, he just does NOT want to have to pay support to me even if it's for his son. At our first mediation the Very first words he said was "We need to get you off of aide so they do not take money out of my checks." I explained to him that I have not been on aide in years, even though I do qualify since I am unemployed. I do not know how to put an end to this since I cannot get legal help for family law. I do not understand why people who knowingly break the law get legal help when they get caught, but when you just try to do what is right for your child you get no help. Any advise would be helpful.

Why would you be so quick to let him have custody? No Judge in his right mind would give him custody after not being involved in your sons life for 13-years. Unless he has something really juicy your not telling us.

As far as I'm concerned he would be P***ing in the wind.

 

[absent father]

The reason I was going to allow my son to go to school there was because he is struggeling with it here. My thinking was what is best for my son, and I'm trying to get him through school without him getting frustrated and quiting. He says he wants to stay with his father, and so would I if I were a 13yr. old boy and had to choose between living with mom who has told me what to do all my life, punished me when I did wrong, and worked only part time so I have not always gotten what I want. Or this guy I just met who seems okay and when I go to his house I don't have to take out the garbage and he seems to have alot of money since he does not have anyone else to support so I think he'll buy me more stuff. I guess I was hoping he would have an easier time with school. And since he says he wants to stay there he would put forth a greater effort.

 

[worriedmomof4]

I have played games back in forth with my kids and custody from father to mother, if you have been primarily caring for your son for 13 years and his father has had little to do with him and is trying to get custody just to avoid paying child support do you really think him going to the fathers will ultimately have a good end. Stick to your guns and fight for custody, or you will be paying support soon and when that happens he will drop the boy back on your porch.

 

[Happy Trails]

The reason I was going to allow my son to go to school there was because he is struggeling with it here. My thinking was what is best for my son, and I'm trying to get him through school without him getting frustrated and quiting. He says he wants to stay with his father, and so would I if I were a 13yr. old boy and had to choose between living with mom who has told me what to do all my life, punished me when I did wrong, and worked only part time so I have not always gotten what I want. Or this guy I just met who seems okay and when I go to his house I don't have to take out the garbage and he seems to have alot of money since he does not have anyone else to support so I think he'll buy me more stuff. I guess I was hoping he would have an easier time with school. And since he says he wants to stay there he would put forth a greater effort.

First off, if your son is getting frustrated with school, going to another will not make a difference. He may need some tutoring or perhaps (if deadbeat dad would kick in his fair share of the money) you could afford private school.

Secondly, I have to agree with 'worriedmomof4', don't let yourself be put in a ping pong game. Having teenagers isn't always easy. You can't let your son call the shots (surely you know that). Don't all teens want the easy road. Giving in and letting him live with his father isn't going to make him try harder.

I would stick to what the court decides and tell your son he has no choice (that's what the court ordered). Sure you can be open to letting him get to know his 'bio' dad. Hopefully, your son will see who has been there for him the majority of his life.

Probably not this year, but in the future.

One more thing, I just don't think 'bio' dad will give a crap how well your son does in life. It seems to me it's all about the almighty buck to him. Doesn't his history in this child's life give you any hints to that.

 

[SMURFEELAW]

Another point may be that he will still have to pay. If this money is owed to the state the state will still get its money plus interest for all the years it has not been paid plus he has the expense of raising a child if you allow your son to go and yeah you may have to pay support but what amount? You are unemployed and therefore the amount most likly attributed to you (depending on what you did before and you have already said you only worked part time) is minimum wage at 40 hours a week. Just a thought but if dad knew this was a possibility he may not be so inclined and those above are right don't teach your child to run from problems and don't let him make decisions that he may not be old enough to make.

 

[VeronicaGia]

I don't get it. You complain that he's not working or supporting his child but you're not working or supporting the child either. You are both responsible for the financial support of the child. So, you need to get a job, and so does he. The state (i.e., the taxpayers) are not responsible for the child just because neither of you feel you should be.

 

[absent father]

I am just responding to the comment that my ex and I need to get jobs. I have been looking for work but my mother passed away about six months ago, between taking care of her things and court or mediation dates if I found a job I would loose it because of time off work. The state (or the tax payers) are not supporting my son, as I said my boyfriend is supporting us. As for my ex, he has a job!!! Working full time, I just don't know where and the county has not found out yet either. Thank you for your comments though, I do know that I need to get back to work, I am cleaning a couple houses for friends until something comes along.