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grandmother messing up 4 yr old's head

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What is the name of your state? ny my husband has had custody of his daughter since she was 6 months old(4 now). bio mom drank heavily and did all drugs while pregnant with her and after. i met my husband 3 years ago and his daughter cried constantly for no reason. hours at a time. we took her to the doctor's 3 sep. times. they thought at first it was behavioral, then had her assessed by early intervention. they said she was behind mentally by a year. the crying subsided as she got older, but she would cry if someone said hi to her, or asked her a question,etc. she also would not come out of her bed in the mornings. her grandmother(paternal) would call and scream at my husband if she didn't see the child every weekend. she even went so far as to come to our house and block our driveway and scream at our front door. we cut ties for 3 months after that. the child was better.we attempted a reconciliation. everything would go ok if the child saw the grandmother for short times. if she stayed the night, we would get 3 weeks of crying, not eating, wetting pants, not coming out of her room, etc. we took her to a pyscologist. the pyscologist stated that the child thought she was visiting our house and wanted to go "home" to nana. nana had my husbands old room turned into a" shrine" to the child. we asked nana to take down the room. it had a bed, tv, a whole 2nd wardrobe, including shoes!! the room came down and the therapist met with nana. she suggested that we limit the time the child spends with her. we agreed to let nana pick her up from pre-k for an hour every week. it seemed to be working. when nana would drop her off she would say,"don't cry" and the child wouldn't be, then she would storm out of our house. also, i have a 4 year old that nana acts as if didn't exsist. we moved to vegas last winter and we were told we moved to take the child away from nana on her b'day!! the woman flew to vegas and stayed a whole month!! while she was there, she called cps on us. she also called my parents and said that she didn't want a black woman raising her white grandaughter, and she was going to call cps everyday until i left him. my dad got sick and we moved back to ny. now she is taking my husband to court for visitation rights because she wants to see her everyday. in the meantime i gave birth to another girl, she wants nothing to do with her sons new child. she was taking antidepressants and stopped on her own. the child has night terrors everynight after she either sees her or talks to her on the phone. if we say the word nana, the child starts screaming. we've recently taken her to a different dr. and they are evaluating her for add and dyslexia, and has also suggested counseling and to stay away from nana until we find out why she crys after seeing her. how can we prove all this stuff in court so we can at least get the child the help she needs before she starts seeing this woman again?


Senior Member
First do as suggested Keep Do not let grandma see,or talk to the child . Tell her you are getting the child involved with therapy because of her contact w/ the child .

She has no legal right as of now to have visits.

Let grandma know you will not tolerate her coming over blocking driveways,yelling,etc. If she does call the Police

Work with the therapist with the child .

In order for grandma to attempt an order of visitations,she will have to file a Petition.

If and when that occurs , ask the court to appoint a Law Guardian for the child. This person represents the child , reviews Therapist records,recommendations,history, their view of talking w/ the child ,Etc.,and will recommend their view to the court.

Also ask the court to obtain the therapist reports and recommendations.

Ask the court to not to make an order until after all issues are heard,if grandma ask for temporary visits right away, due to the child's emotional disturbances after visits.

I have helped raise my GF's son for 12 1/2 yrs. , The child's grandma was awarded every other Sat. from 9 AM to 6 PM only.

Eventually due to her violating many Modified court orders, her contact was left up the the child's therapist,and without moms permission,and the therapist needing to treat the child w/o outside disturbances,he wouldn't give her the time of day.

Push as hard as you can to not allow visit,you will see a healthier child.

If need be request an independent evaluation to determine visitation issues.
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The behaviors that you describe sound to me like the results of abuse.

I'm shocked that the other therapist didn't pick up on it. If the child is terrified by the grandmother then obviously she is doing something to cause it.

Do what the new therapist said, keep the child away from grandma and be sure she has no contact until the court issues an order.

IF you involve the child in therapy then the therapist will be in the best position to render an opinion about the relationship between grandparent and grandchild.

Courts don't award visitation to grandparnets willy nilly so and info you have against the grandmother strengthens the case.

Document every instance of inappropriate behavior and if possible take pictures of her acting out in front of your house.

These can be used to show the grandmother as unstable and a dangerous influence.


Under the Radar Member
It's time for your husband to grow a pair and make it crystal clear to his mother that he will not tolerate her behavior. He is under no obligation to let her see his child - none at all. Move where the two of you like, do not give her the address or the phone number. Tell your family to change their numbers.

She has no rights, and it astounds me that your husband has permitted this to continue for as long as it has.


If you are currently in litigation in NY for GPV--you had better email me. I have some case law that might help. Please note that I am NOT an atty but I have made a study of these laws for some time.
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