Harrassment Order of Protection

[Mgrillzy]

So I was issued an emergency order of protection for harrassment by an ex girlfriend. The plenary hearing is in a few weeks. I'm wondering if I should even show up. I have little to no evidence, no witnesses (I told very few friends or family about her, none met her) I admit it was a diffcult breakup and I did send her five unwanted messages in six weeks after the breakup. None threatening or harsh, all apologetic but misguided attempts at fixing the relationship, unfortunately culminating in a suicide note. I have only a couple pieces of minor evidence disproving a few details of her argument, but I deleted all relevant correspondence from her not thinking it'd get to this point in an attempt to stop dwelling. The constraints of the order aren't onerous, I'd obviously like to fight this both to have it off my record and from a self-respect angle, but legally I think theres nothing to be gained. Is there a compelling reason to show up?

Sorry for the long post

 

[not2cleverRed]

1) What state?

2) Never be a no show to a hearing that you know about. The bar for an exparte temporary order of protection is low. A permanent order of protection, if you choose to contest it, requires proof on her part.

Legally, there is something to be gained by fighting this. You are young now, but at some point you may want a career that requires a background check. Or you may have kids and want to participate in their activities - again, you don't want a whiff of this on you. Now, usually restraining orders from Family Court don't show up on cursory background checks. However, do you want to take that chance? If you feel that she is lying about you now, remember: she can also try and lie about you, and claim that you are violating the order to get you arrested.

3) Please get some mental help/therapy for your depression. If you are unaware of local resources, ask your primary care physician about a referral.

Hopefully the following link is not against the TOS: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

 

[Mgrillzy]

1) What state?

2) Never be a no show to a hearing that you know about. The bar for an exparte temporary order of protection is low. A permanent order of protection, if you choose to contest it, requires proof on her part.

Legally, there is something to be gained by fighting this. You are young now, but at some point you may want a career that requires a background check. Or you may have kids and want to participate in their activities - again, you don't want a whiff of this on you. Now, usually restraining orders from Family Court don't show up on cursory background checks. However, do you want to take that chance? If you feel that she is lying about you now, remember: she can also try and lie about you, and claim that you are violating the order to get you arrested.

3) Please get some mental help/therapy for your depression. If you are unaware of local resources, ask your primary care physician about a referral.

Hopefully the following link is not against the TOS: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Thank you. I'm in Illinois. The harrassment threshold is low here (two or more unwanted messages constitutes harrassment). I'm pretty sure she has copies of our messages. None of them are awful but they are sort of long and rambly. I know that I want this removed, but I think I also can't really complain. I made my bed.....

And thank you. I have been seeking help, and have been feeling better since finally finding it a month ago. My insurance has been a hindrance.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Thank you for including your state.

I still think you should show up to the plenary hearing. Otherwise, you're facing a default judgement and other things can be tossed in.

 

[Mgrillzy]

Thank you for including your state.

I still think you should show up to the plenary hearing. Otherwise, you're facing a default judgement and other things can be tossed in.

Thank you. I was concerned about this. I asked the clerk's office and they stated that the stipulations in the emergency order would simply be placed in the plenary order. I suppose it best I go, but I don't have much of a defense.

 

[cbg]

You can go, and produce not much of a defense, or you can not go and produce no defense at all. Which do you think is going to accomplish more?

 

[not2cleverRed]

Thank you. I was concerned about this. I asked the clerk's office and they stated that the stipulations in the emergency order would simply be placed in the plenary order. I suppose it best I go, but I don't have much of a defense.

Some defense is better than no defense.

Bring every scrap of evidence that you can conjure up.

If you cannot afford an attorney, at least get an initial consult. Learn as much as you can about the process. Reach out to your family. I know it's embarrassing, but they know you, and may be willing to help you, or at least give you a reality check that you shouldn't just roll over and play dead.

If you show up at the hearing, you have a chance to help yourself. Does she have a credible need for a restraining order? The primary issue is going to be who is more credible - you or her. Look, almost everyone has been in a break up, and the judge will have seen more than his/her share of people who have behaved badly when breaking up. A couple of long and rambly I-wish-you-would-take-me-back messages should be viewed differently than dozens of "YOU WILL REGRET THIS - I have a bullet with your name on it" messages.

I really hope IL is not handing out 2 year restraining orders to every person who drunk texts "I miss you" a couple of times.

 

[Shadowbunny]

Also, when you show up to court, keep these things in mind:

Appearance counts. You don't have to be wearing a suit, but a button-down shirt would be ideal. A tie is nice, but not a deal-breaker. If you smoke, try to refrain from doing so before your court appearance. No gum-chewing, excessive cologne, and just make sure your over-all appearance is tidy. In other words, dress like you're going for an interview for a job you REALLY want.

Once there, if you're representing yourself (which I really don't recommend, but sometimes you have to), be sure to call the judge "your honor," don't swear, and keep your eyes up front -- not on the plaintiff. Have your evidence organized. Ask your therapist for some good calming techniques, or download some free apps for your phone to use before your appearance.

Good luck, and I really do hope you defend yourself.

 

[Mgrillzy]

Thank you. My family actually suggested I not go because I'm going to be very emotional and im don't do well with nerves in these situations, and they don't think o have much shot.

I definitely screwed up, and I have an obsessive personality, so I see why she might be distressed and not want contact but I've erased all electronic means of contact and have/would never force an in person meeting.

 

[Shadowbunny]

Here's the thing: 5 messages in 6 weeks is hardly excessive. If they weren't threatening, I really believe you have a good shot not having this on your record. Now, the suicide threat is an issue, as that's a manipulative move. However, as long as there wasn't a homicidal threat in there as well, and you've not made any attempts recently, I think you should defend yourself.

 

[Mgrillzy]

Yeah, I hate that it comes across as a manipulative move, and honestly it's something that I feel awful about because there's history of it in her family, but honestly I only sent the letter cuz I've had severe depression since I was a small child and I finally felt overwhelmed, had no hopes of it making her want to give me another shot. I actually made plans, and I know that my co-workers/friends would have plastered it all over Facebook if I had done it, I was trying to tell her it wasn't about her, and actually thanked her for making me happy for awhile (definitely impossible to get that across in a letter though, definitely my least thought out moment in life....).

 

[commentator]

Okay, hope your therapist is working with you on these issues, but what you're telling us, what you are saying here is a bunch of hooey that you're telling yourself. That you're just a hysterical kind of guy, that you're going to get all emotional when you go to court, that it'd be better to just not show at all, since you're just going to mess up so terribly. It seems you've given yourself all sorts of excuses, and now you're telling yourself that everyone is judging you and you're going to screw it up. Okay, stop doing this.

Go to court projecting sanity and confidence, taking all the suggestions offered above. Concentrate on making it look like YOU are the sane and stable person, more so than she is, in this court appearance. If she's a bit manipulating, controlling, got the tendencies from her family, well, thank God you've escaped! Now use this court appearance to make a clean break. Forget negating all the proofs and evidences and texts she may have kept that are from you. Yes, they may make you sound foolish, but you're over that now. You may have been foolish, but you're moving on, right? Let the court see this!

It would be better that you get an attorney if you can possibly afford one, but in any case, be able to tell the judge (your Honor) that you are getting therapy and working on your past mistakes. What the judge hates is someone who doesn't show (they'll listen to every word she says about how nutso you were and are still) OR someone who shows with a hopeless shrug and a hopeless future ("Yes, I did it, but I'm just that kind of a guy, and she broke my heart and the next time I get a chance I'll do it again, women shouldn't break my heart this way!") Not to mention "Boo hoo, I'm just an abused child with lots of issues and I deserve a break because I just can't control it."

What they want to see is "Yes Sir/Ma'am, I may have made some bad decisions, I became emotional, perhaps a bit over dramatic, but I have been moving on with my life, I am seeking help and getting on the right track and there will not be any more problems from me in the future." You can do this. Don't let your family or anyone else tell you you cannot! Good luck to you.

 

[stealth2]

At the end of the day, NOT showing up will ensure that she gets what she's asking for. Showing up and presenting yourself as commentator suggested gives you a shot.

But.... and I say this as a parent. If one of my daughters got a series of messages from an ex, culminating in being told that his happiness is in her hands and there is no point in living? I'd be telling her to file for a protective order.

 

[Mgrillzy]

At the end of the day, NOT showing up will ensure that she gets what she's asking for. Showing up and presenting yourself as commentator suggested gives you a shot.

But.... and I say this as a parent. If one of my daughters got a series of messages from an ex, culminating in being told that his happiness is in her hands and there is no point in living? I'd be telling her to file for a protective order.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I do honestly have mixed emotions because I cannot blame her for filing the order, and I do take responsibility, so I don't want to show up and act like what I did was not wrong, and I don't want to drag this out further since I obviously already screwed up by doing that, but I am past it, at least as far as dragging her further into my problems. I will show up, be truthful and honest, and see what happens.

 

[Shadowbunny]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I do honestly have mixed emotions because I cannot blame her for filing the order, and I do take responsibility, so I don't want to show up and act like what I did was not wrong, and I don't want to drag this out further since I obviously already screwed up by doing that, but I am past it, at least as far as dragging her further into my problems. I will show up, be truthful and honest, and see what happens.

Here's the thing: you're not going to act like what you did wasn't wrong. You're going to go in there and say "I screwed up, I know that now. I'm getting help and she'll not hear from me again." Read commentator's last paragraph over and over again. Then read it again. Because THAT'S what you want to present. Because this protection order isn't just about what you've already done, it's to prevent further contact. You want the judge to feel confident that you do NOT pose a threat to her.