heartache of a grandma

[Mmelissa]

What is the name of your state? California
I really don't know which way to go right now. I just lost my 19 year old daughter on the 15 of March to a very sudden and surprising illness. And she left behind two beautiful little boys. She had been living with her boyfriend who is the father of her son who just turned 1 in June. The boyfriend has no legal rights to her eldest child and my daughter didn't really have custody. His father is on the birth ceritificat but once she got with the new guy he was closed out of the picture. The boyfriend and his dad are the type of people who are very controlling and have to have things their way. They have a little bit of money. Right after they were together the boyfriend started abusing my daughter and I called the police on him and because at the time he was under age his father was called. All of a sudden my daughter was no longer allowed to speak to me or see me or any of her friends. She would sneak to do so over the past year but I didn't really get to have much of a relationship with her or the grandkids. Before she got with him her eldest son and I were very bonded and he was and still is grandma's heart. My past is questionable but that has nothing to do with my being a grandmother but the boyfriend and his dad assume it does. The day after my daughter was laid to rest they left town with both boys and knowing that they have no legal rights to the oldest but his dad isn't really doing anything to get him. And the only time I have seen them was after someone came and told me my daughter had passed the night before. They didn't even do that much. I have no money and have no idea what to do. I have a letter from my daughter from 2003 when she was in a living situation that she had to run from, giving me custody of her son but I don't know if that letter will help me right now. I don't have the money to fight them and they won't even give me my grandparents rights. The natural father has been informed that they are trying to adopt the oldest. I want him with me and I know that is what my daughter would have wanted. I don't know what direction to go. I have not been allowed to even hold the kids. I know that the natural father says that he wants him but he is doing nothing to get him home. I don't understand why he hasn't filed kidnapping on them. We talked with the police after kim was buried and they didn't want to get involved. They let them take the boy because he had been living with them a year prior with his mother but he had also seen his mom being abused. He wasn't allowed to go outside and play at all. I went to see her in Nov. when she called me and she had thrown him out and she was waiting outside for me and she said that it was the first time that the boy had been able to play outside. They were not permitted to even take out the trash unless he was home. But in typical abused woman fashion she took him back that very night. That was the last time I saw my daughter smile. Then I went to see her in early dec. on her birthday and she shut the door in my face saying no one was supposed to be there because the boyfriend was there. The next time I saw my daughter was in the mortuary in march. I know that I want the baby with me and I want visitation to the other one. I am the maternal grandma and I should have rights as well. Can someone please tell me what I should do or what direction to go. I just can't see my way clear. And I haven't even been able to mourn my child. I am receiving disability and I know that I can care for my grandson. I know that they already have an attorney and are going to fight me. Can anyone give me some kind of advice?

 

[rmet4nzkx]

I am sorry for your loss.
What county do you reside in and what county was mom residing in at the time of her death?
Have you called legal aid?
Are you on SSI or SSDI? What is the nature of your disability?
Was mom employed before her death?
Have you applied to be guardian for the children?
Has paternity been established , custody and or visitation been ordered by the courts prior to mom's death?
Has probate been opened?
There is a part of the CA Family Code re custody that addresses domestic violence, that may help you get guardianship if you are also fit to be a parent or at least visitaiton.
Have you called CPS to report child endangerment?
A foster home is an option.
BF can't adopt w/o bio dad terminating his rights and if mom had enough work credits bio dad would be representitive payee for child.
It is possible for you to ask the court to appoint a guardian ad litem.
Go to the family law facilitators office, they will assist you in filing out forms and also to apply for ADA accommodaitons if needed.

 

[ceara19]

What is the name of your state? California
I really don't know which way to go right now. I just lost my 19 year old daughter on the 15 of March to a very sudden and surprising illness. And she left behind two beautiful little boys.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

She had been living with her boyfriend who is the father of her son who just turned 1 in June.

Was paternity LEGALLY established? (AOP or DNA test) If not, the child is technically a ward of the state.

The boyfriend has no legal rights to her eldest child and my daughter didn't really have custody. His father is on the birth ceritificat but once she got with the new guy he was closed out of the picture.

Did father #1 LEGALLY establish paternity? (AOP or DNA test) If not, the child is technically a ward of the state.

The boyfriend and his dad are the type of people who are very controlling and have to have things their way. They have a little bit of money. Right after they were together the boyfriend started abusing my daughter and I called the police on him and because at the time he was under age his father was called. All of a sudden my daughter was no longer allowed to speak to me or see me or any of her friends. She would sneak to do so over the past year but I didn't really get to have much of a relationship with her or the grandkids.

Was he ever been CHARGED for abusing her or did SHE ever report the abuse to the authorities?

Before she got with him her eldest son and I were very bonded and he was and still is grandma's heart. My past is questionable but that has nothing to do with my being a grandmother but the boyfriend and his dad assume it does.

LEGALLY speaking, your past may have a lot of influence in the outcome.

The day after my daughter was laid to rest they left town with both boys and knowing that they have no legal rights to the oldest but his dad isn't really doing anything to get him.

Unfortunately, at this point you have no LEGAL right to the child either. If father #1 has legally established paternity, he would need to be the one to take action. If not, you need to call CPS and apprise them of the situation.

And the only time I have seen them was after someone came and told me my daughter had passed the night before. They didn't even do that much. I have no money and have no idea what to do. I have a letter from my daughter from 2003 when she was in a living situation that she had to run from, giving me custody of her son but I don't know if that letter will help me right now.

The letter isn't legally binding or enforceable.

I don't have the money to fight them and they won't even give me my grandparents rights. The natural father has been informed that they are trying to adopt the oldest. I want him with me and I know that is what my daughter would have wanted.

Unfortunately, it not a matter of what your daughter may have wanted. In the event of the death of a parent, the surviving LEGAL parent is assumed to be fit and able to care for their child unless proven otherwise.

I don't know what direction to go. I have not been allowed to even hold the kids. I know that the natural father says that he wants him but he is doing nothing to get him home.

As rmet already suggested, call CPS. Also, stay on father #1 about filing a complaint with the police (if he is the LEGAL father, that is).

I don't understand why he hasn't filed kidnapping on them. We talked with the police after kim was buried and they didn't want to get involved.

It's not necessarily that they don't WANT to take action. They really CAN'T take action based solely on your word. That's why getting CPS involved is so important.

They let them take the boy because he had been living with them a year prior with his mother but he had also seen his mom being abused. He wasn't allowed to go outside and play at all. I went to see her in Nov. when she called me and she had thrown him out and she was waiting outside for me and she said that it was the first time that the boy had been able to play outside. They were not permitted to even take out the trash unless he was home. But in typical abused woman fashion she took him back that very night. That was the last time I saw my daughter smile. Then I went to see her in early dec. on her birthday and she shut the door in my face saying no one was supposed to be there because the boyfriend was there.

More then likely, none of this will be relevant to the court. It sounds like the only person that can confirm these accusations was your daughter.

The next time I saw my daughter was in the mortuary in march. I know that I want the baby with me and I want visitation to the other one. I am the maternal grandma and I should have rights as well. Can someone please tell me what I should do or what direction to go. I just can't see my way clear. And I haven't even been able to mourn my child. I am receiving disability and I know that I can care for my grandson. I know that they already have an attorney and are going to fight me. Can anyone give me some kind of advice?

Grandparents don't have an inherent RIGHT to their grandchildren. However, the fact that your daughter has past away, you have a much better chance to get court ordered visitation.

 

[Mmelissa]

in response to your replies


I do appreciate any response that will give me another outlook on this whole horrendous situation that seems to have destroyed anything and everything that is and has been good in my life. I do realize that it is not a written rule that grandparents automatically get rights to the grandchildren. But I was under the impression that someone who isn't even blood related has less rights than I do as the maternal grandmother. Yes, dad is on the birth certificate and he has acknowledged that he doesn't fight paternity as he knows and believes that he is the biological father. He just doesn't seem to much in a hurry to get him back. Yes, he wants him but his priorities are a little on the nothing side. And yes the police and other authorities were contacted and went to my daughter's home more times than I could count but she was afraid to press charges because as I explained. the family has money and would have dragged her through court for the rest of her life trying to take the baby away from her. She as only 19 and no matter what anyone told her about them not being able to take him because she was a wonderful mother, she caved in to their crap. And when you live with someone so long you come around to their way of thinking. And he was locked up in juvenile hall for beating up his father and was released just before him and my daughter got together. He has just turned 18 a couple of weeks ago. His father is the one who calls the shots and he is the one doing all of the pushing about this matter. The natural father is now not in the position to physically take him. I don't know how long that will last.. As far as me having no legal right to him either and that letter being no help, how is that possible when I am his blood .He is living with and being taught how to hate and treat people like dirt. As far as anything else such as my past, what of the fact that the boyfriends father is homosexual and has been diagnosed hiv positive. Won't that matter? I am not trying to put all the dirt on the table but I guess I should tell it all. And as for me contacting cps, in this town and county cps doesn't have a very good reputation for putting families back together. I know this first hand. My past is my past. Look, if I had known that all of this would be an issue when I started having children I would have been a nun but I didn't and just because I lived my life with my own issues for some time, I overcame those and it shouldn't be held against me. This is why I don't wish to involve cps. And as for the police not being able to do anything on just my word, they only have to talk to all who knew and loved my child and all the things they witnessed. I't not just my word. As, I said, thank you for your responses and I await more as you all feel you can do so. I still feel no better about any of this. Infact, for the moment I feel worse but I can handle it. One more question, you said that none of this will be relevent to the court. Doesn't their character or lack there of mean anything. I mean any one who knows that someones child has died and they don't bother to come to let them know and by the time the parent finds out they had already picked the mortuary and cemetary out of town to take her and do so without letting anyone who loves her and has been in her life all of their life know anything. What kind of a person does this and it's all supposed to be ok. These are the kind of people raising both of my beautiful grandsons.

 

[LdiJ]

You do have more standing as the grandparent than the man who has taken him who is not related.

However, unless you can get someone to help you, like the police, to retrieve the child you have a problem. You also have a problem if you can't find them.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

YOU MUST FOCUS!
Please answer each question as it pretains to each child even if you have tried before or provided other information, answer just the questions and nothing else at this time, I will repost them, I am trying to help you.

What county do you reside in and what county was mom residing in at the time of her death?

Have you called legal aid?

Are you on SSI or SSDI?

What is the nature of your disability?

What is your past that you believe might be an issue?

Was mom employed before her death?

Have you applied to be guardian for one or both of the children?

Has paternity been established, custody and or visitation been ordered by the courts prior to mom's death? If so please describe as it pretains for each child.

Has probate been opened?

There is a part of the CA Family Code re custody that addresses domestic violence, that may help you get guardianship if you are also fit to be a parent or at least visitaiton. You have described DV that should be documented and even bf's juvenile history is subject to the court, so don't worry about his families money.

Contact the police re copies of the police reports of violence and your letter WILL have importance in court dispite what another poster said who is not familar with CA evidence law.

Have you called CPS to report child endangerment? This is very important that you make the reports no matter what your beliefs are about CPS reuniting families, that is not their job, it is their job to protect children and they cannot do that if you don't report it especially with such young children.

A foster home is an option and might preferred intil all is settled. The legal fathers would be responsible for paying child support for this, not you, if that was your worry.

BF can't adopt w/o bio dad terminating his rights and if mom had enough work credits bio dad would be representitive payee for child. Depending on what court orders exist beyone signing of an AOP, bf may not have any paternal rights at all.

It is possible for you to ask the court to appoint a guardian ad litem. Please do this if nothing else, that will get bf & his dad into court and possibly the children into some sort of court approved care be it a relative or foster care.

Go to the family law facilitators office, they will assist you in filing out forms and also to apply for ADA accommodaitons if needed.

I can't help you if you cannot focus, and if you cannot focus, you may not be competent to be the primary care giver for these children, that doesn't mean that you will not be given visitation but it is important to make sure these children are safe and that the court can determine their best welfare.

 

[Mmelissa]

To answer your questions

First off, you are telling me to focus. You have no idea about how much I focua. The issues surrounding my daughter and the babies and her death are what is my life at this point in time. I have very little time to get all the issues handled and I am trying to do so one by one. So, focus... well you just have no clue as to my mental ability and my being able to be the primary caregiver to those kids. And to be honest, I do appreciate any and all opinions and advice and different ways of looking at issues. But I recall that I answered most of your questions in the first post that I submitted. But if you think that you can give me any more insight than has already been brought my way, I am open minded and can take on whatever new information you might have. But having to go through this over and over because evidentally what I wrote wasn't clear enough or you may have misunderstood what I was saying. But I will reply anyway.
I reside in riverside county and this is also where she lived when she passed.

 

[ceara19]

First off, you are telling me to focus. You have no idea about how much I focua. The issues surrounding my daughter and the babies and her death are what is my life at this point in time. I have very little time to get all the issues handled and I am trying to do so one by one. So, focus... well you just have no clue as to my mental ability and my being able to be the primary caregiver to those kids. And to be honest, I do appreciate any and all opinions and advice and different ways of looking at issues. But I recall that I answered most of your questions in the first post that I submitted. But if you think that you can give me any more insight than has already been brought my way, I am open minded and can take on whatever new information you might have. But having to go through this over and over because evidentally what I wrote wasn't clear enough or you may have misunderstood what I was saying. But I will reply anyway.
I reside in riverside county and this is also where she lived when she passed.

I understand that you are frustrated and upset over the entire matter, but this is the kind of attitude that can completely ruin ANY chance that you MAY have to be in your grandchildren's lives.

If you can't afford to go out and hire a DAMN GOOD private attorney, you will have to work through the system, which includes involving CPS. You have 4 options.

1. Hire a private attorney to handle the matter for you in court.

2. Involve the state, which includes calling CPS, and let THEM handle the matter.

3. Find an attorney that is willing to take the case pro bono (which is very unlikely because BOTH of the children have a living parent whose rights come before any that you may have.

4. Continue to complain about it and blame others because nothing is being done.

It's up to YOU to decide which one to choose.

 

[Mmelissa]

reply to ceara19

First off, you are more than a little opinionated and second I didn't get to finish my last reply the way I intended at that time as my puppy jumped up into my lap and hit the enter key I guess so I had to edit my response and I was responding to the questions posted by someone else. I am not blaming others for what isn't being done. I just wish they would make up thier minds about what they are planning to do so that i know exactly what I have to do and who I have to fight with about this matter. Look, nobody ever plans for this kind of thing to happen in their lives. I sure had never pictured myself having to bury my little girl and having to live my life with no possiblitly of her being in it again. If I had known that this kind of thing was going to happen 30 years ago, and that I was going to have to endure more than any one person ever should from people that mean nothing and are nothing to me, I would have been a saint, a nun, a hermit. I would have never lived my life they way I have. (not all by my choice I might add). So, angry and frustrated arent even the words to describe how I am feeling and what I have to deal with daily. And I feel as though I have no control of anything anymore. And I am allowing this, sure, because sooner or later I believe that it will pay off. I know that I will one day be able to be a part of their lives and there won't be anything anyone can do about it. I feel a great deal of resentment with this family because of the emotonal abuse and the threats they made to my daugher, as well as the physical abuse. They took her away from all her loved her months before she passed away, Being in true domestic violence fashion, the typical abused woman she rolled with the punches. (no pun intented). And now to have these people still controlling aspects of my life because of my love and need to be a part of the children's lives as they are all I have left of her, is completely unreal to me. But I am going on with this drama they are inflicting because as I see it nothing can be this rotten forever and they will slip and be caught with all they are doing and attempting to do to exclude myself and all who loved her and the boys, and they will have to take a good long look at the way they have lived this life and they will have to suffer their own consequences. And I will still be able to hold those boys. It may be 10 years down the road or tomarrow but I have faith that it will happen. I am just trying to make this happen a bit faster as I don't want to see two perfect little boys grow up with the character and humanity of a rock. So, now do you understand my frustration a bit more. And I invite you to go further and read what I had to edit from the last post and then maybe you can stop having such a nasty opinion. You know what they say about opinions. I didn't post any of this to be criticized and talked to the way that family does I had hoped to get some compassion from someone as I have been offered none since her death. I don't need anyone to hold my hand or baby me, just a little human kindmess and the chance to have someone give a little respect to the fact that I just lost not only my daughter but her kids as well, and for what reason. Her that was god, but the boys because someone don;t like me. Well, I didn't ask for this life and I damn sure would trade it for something else if I could. So, please before you chose to be so pushy or nasty to someone you don't know, make an honest effort to walk in their shoes for a day and then answer someones question, please. Have a nice day and thank you for your input.

 

[Ohiogal]

Mmelissa,

This is NOT a support group. This is a legal forum. You were given LEGAL options. Either do them or not. Insulting Ceara because she gave you options is NOT going to get you any help from anyone else. Legally you have the options she gave you. You have to take the steps to do them. You also haven't chosen to answer RMETs questions which also would have provided more basis to give you LEGAL advice. So until you decide to treat people trying to help you with a bit of respect, don't expect anyone else to bend over backwards to help you.
YOu have been given more than enough information based on YOUR attitude.

 

[BRN2005]

In addition to not having answered ceara's questions,i am also a little concerned by what you continue to refer to as a "questionable past". What that may mean might go a long way to determining whether or not you are fit to have custody or visitation.

 

[ceara19]

Mmelissa,

I have yet to give you my OPINION on your situation. Yes, I do have a personal opinion about the matter, but trust me, you don't want to know what it is. You can make as many impassioned public pleas as you like and it will NOT change the LAW. The FACT of the matter is YOU have no legal standing where your grandchildren are concerned AT THIS TIME. In order to obtain any type of legal footing, you ONLY have the options previously given to you. Trying to go about this in any other manner will not only be a complete and total waste of time, effort and money, but it may very well create a situation where you will not be ALLOWED to take part in the lives of the children. You could also end up cause legal problems for yourself if you do not follow proper procedure.

You have no way to PROVE that your daughter was a victim of domestic violence. It doesn't matter if the Supreme Court Justices believe your version of the events. The only people that can confirm what did or did not happen in their home is your daughter and her boyfriend. She can no longer share her version of the events and I seriously doubt if the boyfriend is going to confession.

You seem to be stuck on the domestic violence issues. I am not saying that it didn't happen, only that it doesn't matter. Even IF you could prove it, it is irrelevant. A parent that abuses a spouse is not automatically considered a danger to their child.

Falling back on the excuse that you didn't know that your past actions would later come back to bite you in the ass won't win you any points either. LEGALLY, YOUR past will be a much bigger issue then the father's past.

So, you can continue with the "woe is me" way of thinking or you can pull it together and do things the RIGHT way. It's your choice,

 

[Ohiogal]

She can no longer share her version of the events and I seriously doubt if the boyfriend is going to confession.

Even if he is going to confession, those conversations would be privileged and not necessarily admissible as evidence.

 

[ceara19]

Even if he is going to confession, those conversations would be privileged and not necessarily admissible as evidence.

And even if he confesses to beating his girlfriend and it is admitted into evidence, it could have little to no impact on the custody matter.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Even if he is going to confession, those conversations would be privileged and not necessarily admissible as evidence.

In CA church workers are mandated reporters.