Help for a friend... ? for StepMomddd

[J&A]

What is the name of your state?CA

This is not J&A but for my friend:

I have two children of my own that I gladly share 50/50 custody with my ex husband. My new husband has three children he also shares 50/50 custody with. We actually have his three over 50 % of the time because the mother travels a lot and when she does she leaves them with us. My husband and I also have one child of our own (very full house, but we love it!). I have always gotten along with his kids mother. We all four have gone to parent teacher conferences together (her and her husband, my husband and myself), soccer games, cheer practice, everything. I have participated in her kids lives for the past four years and have a very good relationship with them, not MOM but a good friend who both financially and emotionally supports them at their Dad's and my home. Anyway, their mother is now pregnant and ever since she has become pregnant things have changed. She screamed at me for getting her daughters hair cut with my daughter claiming that it was only something a mother should do, when our half of the family went to an amusement park, she screamed at me for riding a ride with her son.... said that was her job. Last time we went to a soccer game the youngest child tells us that "Mommy is telling other Mommy's not to let my friends come see me at your house because you are mean." Then when we were leaving and my husband told her "you really need to keep your opinions to yourself around the children, they don't need to know about adult issues" the mom then starts screaming at me and follows us out to the car Attacks me in front of the kids, punches me in the face.... I couldn't nor wouldn't hit her back, she is pregnant and even if she wasn't... how immature!!! Anyway, now she doesn't want me taking her kids to school or talking to her kids. She says I am trying to replace her as mother... she is mad because she thinks her children call me Mom, and THEY DON'T, they never have. The children told us that she actually sat them down and told them that they were not aloud to love me, not aloud to like me. That they should be mean to me and not listen to me, and that if I am home they should just go in their rooms by themselves. She also told my husband that she is going to have someone kick my butt and that I better watch my back (I swear I am not a low life nor is my husband... and yes I know this is so immature).

My husband and herself have mediation coming in a month for changing school districts. My question is, is there anyway to make her stop slandering me to the kids? I have written her a letter apologizing for whatever it is that I have done and trying to make it clear that I am not trying to be their Mom, but also letting her know that next time she physically assaults me, I will have to press charges. Other then that, my concern is for his children, they feel guilty now to even talk to me and they have told me this. We just tell them that it is ok and that it isn't their faults. That adults have problems sometimes and it will all work out, but legally, how do we stop this? I wouldn't care if it was only affecting me, however, it is really affecting the children. Thank you for any input

 

[psychox]

i have been going through the same thing with my husbands pshychox for 2 yrs now. iwsh something could be done about these sickos. she has taught my husband 3yr old to sing nasty songs to me, to not let me comb her hair you name it these women make it impossible to be around their children

 

[stealth2]

#1. Hormones.

#2. I wonder how much of what the kids tell you she said is what she really said and how much is a bit (or a lot) of manipulation on the part of the kids. And what they tell HER, as well.

#3. Perhaps it would be wise to step back a bit, as Mom is obviously feeling threatened at this point.

#4. And..... don't get the kids' hair cut. It really does seem like such a small thing, but can explode (as you saw). From the other side, it can be SO frustrating when your kid tells you they want to grow it out, yet tells the other parent (or step) that Sure! It would be neat to try something NEW! and then comes home with months of growth cut off. I remember my daughter's hair getting just to the point where the bangs had grown out enough to put back in a pony tail with the rest, and having her come home with them freshly cut.

 

[sunshine64]

#1. Hormones.

#2. I wonder how much of what the kids tell you she said is what she really said and how much is a bit (or a lot) of manipulation on the part of the kids. And what they tell HER, as well.

#3. Perhaps it would be wise to step back a bit, as Mom is obviously feeling threatened at this point.

#4. And..... don't get the kids' hair cut. It really does seem like such a small thing, but can explode (as you saw). From the other side, it can be SO frustrating when your kid tells you they want to grow it out, yet tells the other parent (or step) that Sure! It would be neat to try something NEW! and then comes home with months of growth cut off. I remember my daughter's hair getting just to the point where the bangs had grown out enough to put back in a pony tail with the rest, and having her come home with them freshly cut.

I agree -- sounds like major MAJOR hormones to me -- remember, she won't be pregnant forever (it just seems that way)

Kids can be very, very manipulative. Been there, done that.

 

[J&A]

Yes, you both are right, I know it has to be hormones, I mean I have been there twice after all. I just hope that it all goes away sooner or later. This is probably a dumb question, but can this be brought up in mediation or have it ordered that she cannot speak badly about me to the children? Or for that matter that none of us speak badly about any of the adults to the children? I really don't think it is the kids because their mother has said the same exact things to my husband and I. She is blatant about it to say the least. I have stepped back, and you are right stealth about the hair cut, although it was really a slight trim... you couldn't even tell the difference! I definitely won't do it again though. It was more or less just to make her feel included with my own daughter. I don't like treating my kids as if they were above or more important than my husbands kids. The entire situation just sucks... My ex is getting very serious with someone and I hope she treats my kids well... I just don't understand, does she want me to be mean to her children??!!!! My husband is so supportive of her new husband, he would never encourage them to disrespect him in any way. Plus, for the mediation part of it, this is damaging to them to have to feel guilty for liking me? I can tell that it is affecting them, they keep making statements to their father that they don't know why Mommy hates (me). They keep asking him if it is ok to like me, and if it is ok to like their step father. Would the mediator see it that way? Could we all go to counseling? Maybe just my husband and her? Thank you all for your input, it helps. I am so frustrated. Usually people have problems with the step mom being mean, I get yelled at for being too nice! lol!!

 

[huntersmommy06]

I would suggest sitting down and talking with mom before trying any type of court/mediation proceedings. She may not be aware of her hormonal outbursts without someone bringing it to her attention. I worked for an ophthalmologist when I was pregnant and I told my boss, while crying (sobbing actually), that I would not see any more patients because they are old and they smell ! Good Grief (I was 27 not 7!)! I am still embarrassed about that 2 years later. And yes, the children may be trying to get more attention (or see what they can get away with) as they realize that their mom will be spending more time with a new baby.