Help for my daughter!

[aliachase2007]

Sexual Abuse

What is the name of your state? TEXAS

She has come home from her father's house twice now with comments about my sister's 5yr old son. The first time was about a month ago. I had asked her if anyone had ever touched her privates and she said "Yes, Z!" when I asked how she put her middle and index finger together and told me he tickled her teetee and butt like that. She told me he pulled her pants down and tickled her. Then she added fictional information (older cousin was there, they were at school and the teacher was there). The next morning I asked again if anyone touched her privates and she told me "Yes, Z" I asked how and she said "he spanks me".

I brought her to the Dr to ask for advice about what to do. I know my nephew, and know under the circumstanses the kids dont have time or the chance for them to get undressed. He recommended me bringing her to a pyschologist. Which I have, twice now and will continue to go as needed weekly. I was concerned because I felt that the strain of the allegations of abuse on me as well as what people were saying at both homes were affecting her. She was getting more aggressive as well as angry.

4/17 went to her dads for 2 hours. Came home with a negative attitude about her hair. Then started telling me how her cousin Z had done something bad to her. I told her how she hadn't seen him for a while and he didn't do that to her. That its not nice to lie about him cause it makes him sad. She often comes home from her dads in a bad mood saying negative things about my family. I thought that by telling her right from the start that its not true and its not okay to talk about it, that would help her decipher truth from lies.

4/22 Started putting her finger in her butt and vagina. I asked why she put it in her vagina and she told me "Cause Z did it, and I wanna touch his teeter" She put her finger, with no prompt from me and told me how it (meaning the vaginal wall I guess) closes over his finger, and procceded to incert her finger in and out of her mouth. I asked how it felt and she said it didn't feel like anything. This was disturbing/disgusting and confusing. Once, obviously it was disturibing because my 3 yr old is saying my 5 yr old nephew has fingered her and is showing me how. But confusing because shes showing me with her finger in her mouth how he did and is tell me in descriptive words what happened. Shes a smart kid, but it sounded more like someone had told her and shown her then that it had physically happened.

I called my mom to come watch her, luckily we live together so she didn't have to come far. I then called my sister and asked her to ask my nephew if hes ever touched her. He admitted to spanking her but nothing else. He also said that he does takes his shirt off but shes never taken her clothes off. She doesnt show signs of abuse. The kids aren't alone together for long periods of time, nor has she ever been cause naked or with her bottoms down, and shes a slow dresser or she'd be caught.

Her fathers made it plain he wants custody. Right now hes getting the new things, car house all new appliances to prove how much better he is. I know that doesn't matter, but he will mention it. He's also tried proving I'm unfit but calling CPS on me, though thats going to back fire on him. He's gone after my friends, saying one of them has sexually abused her. Now he is going after my family and dragging my nephew in it.

She had an appointment today with her pcyshologist. I brought up what she told me about her cousin, and since her father showed up to "set the record straight" and make sure the Dr had the truth our daughter wasn't able to have her appointment. But I was told not to have her examined or anything, since that can be tramatic, to look for signs of abuse, and to continue bringing her to her appointments because she will hopefully be able to get whats going on out of my daughter soon.

I need help with this: and I am sorry for all that information, is what can I do about these accusations against my nephew. If her father or someone at his house is telling her my nephew is molesting her, that is utterly disgusting. Not only is someone making her falsely accuse my nephew, but they are also wronging her by putting it in her head by making her thing he is harming her. And that needs to stop! What can I do??? Thanks

Quote: 04-04-2008, 02:45 PM
Originally Posted by baystategirl
So have you taken your daughter to a doctor? A child psychologist?

I have an appointment on Monday morning (the earliest) for her Dr, we are going to discuss whats best to do. I've already thought of putting her in counseling, but want her Dr to be behind me in the decision.
I've been to the police, who told me its not in their jurisdiction. I've called CPS (the case worker from my alleged abuse) and she told me that if I'm concerned to go ahead and call the 1800 number to CPS and report it, but they could find no signs of anyone abusing her in their investigation.

I'm very concerned, the only thing is hes very good at lying and manipulation so if nothing comes of this he will use it against me and proably tell our daughter lies about me. She is saying and doing more and more things I don't feel is appropriate for her age(like talking about someone tickling her privates, trying to kiss for a long time on the mouth, ect) and I know shes not getting it here. It may be the adults at her fathers house showing harmless affection, but shes seeing it and trying to copy. OR it could be something else.

This is a reposted post but I deleted the old one.

 

[Gracie3787]

What is the name of your state? TEXAS

She has come home from her father's house twice now with comments about my sister's 5yr old son. The first time was about a month ago. I had asked her if anyone had ever touched her privates and she said "Yes, Z!" when I asked how she put her middle and index finger together and told me he tickled her teetee and butt like that. She told me he pulled her pants down and tickled her. Then she added fictional information (older cousin was there, they were at school and the teacher was there). The next morning I asked again if anyone touched her privates and she told me "Yes, Z" I asked how and she said "he spanks me".

I brought her to the Dr to ask for advice about what to do. I know my nephew, and know under the circumstanses the kids dont have time or the chance for them to get undressed. He recommended me bringing her to a pyschologist. Which I have, twice now and will continue to go as needed weekly. I was concerned because I felt that the strain of the allegations of abuse on me as well as what people were saying at both homes were affecting her. She was getting more aggressive as well as angry.

4/17 went to her dads for 2 hours. Came home with a negative attitude about her hair. Then started telling me how her cousin Z had done something bad to her. I told her how she hadn't seen him for a while and he didn't do that to her. That its not nice to lie about him cause it makes him sad. She often comes home from her dads in a bad mood saying negative things about my family. I thought that by telling her right from the start that its not true and its not okay to talk about it, that would help her decipher truth from lies.

4/22 Started putting her finger in her butt and vagina. I asked why she put it in her vagina and she told me "Cause Z did it, and I wanna touch his teeter" She put her finger, with no prompt from me and told me how it (meaning the vaginal wall I guess) closes over his finger, and procceded to incert her finger in and out of her mouth. I asked how it felt and she said it didn't feel like anything. This was disturbing/disgusting and confusing. Once, obviously it was disturibing because my 3 yr old is saying my 5 yr old nephew has fingered her and is showing me how. But confusing because shes showing me with her finger in her mouth how he did and is tell me in descriptive words what happened. Shes a smart kid, but it sounded more like someone had told her and shown her then that it had physically happened.

I called my mom to come watch her, luckily we live together so she didn't have to come far. I then called my sister and asked her to ask my nephew if hes ever touched her. He admitted to spanking her but nothing else. He also said that he does takes his shirt off but shes never taken her clothes off. She doesnt show signs of abuse. The kids aren't alone together for long periods of time, nor has she ever been cause naked or with her bottoms down, and shes a slow dresser or she'd be caught.

Her fathers made it plain he wants custody. Right now hes getting the new things, car house all new appliances to prove how much better he is. I know that doesn't matter, but he will mention it. He's also tried proving I'm unfit but calling CPS on me, though thats going to back fire on him. He's gone after my friends, saying one of them has sexually abused her. Now he is going after my family and dragging my nephew in it.

She had an appointment today with her pcyshologist. I brought up what she told me about her cousin, and since her father showed up to "set the record straight" and make sure the Dr had the truth our daughter wasn't able to have her appointment. But I was told not to have her examined or anything, since that can be tramatic, to look for signs of abuse, and to continue bringing her to her appointments because she will hopefully be able to get whats going on out of my daughter soon.

I need help with this: and I am sorry for all that information, is what can I do about these accusations against my nephew. If her father or someone at his house is telling her my nephew is molesting her, that is utterly disgusting. Not only is someone making her falsely accuse my nephew, but they are also wronging her by putting it in her head by making her thing he is harming her. And that needs to stop! What can I do??? Thanks

Quote: 04-04-2008, 02:45 PM
Originally Posted by baystategirl
So have you taken your daughter to a doctor? A child psychologist?

I have an appointment on Monday morning (the earliest) for her Dr, we are going to discuss whats best to do. I've already thought of putting her in counseling, but want her Dr to be behind me in the decision.
I've been to the police, who told me its not in their jurisdiction. I've called CPS (the case worker from my alleged abuse) and she told me that if I'm concerned to go ahead and call the 1800 number to CPS and report it, but they could find no signs of anyone abusing her in their investigation.

I'm very concerned, the only thing is hes very good at lying and manipulation so if nothing comes of this he will use it against me and proably tell our daughter lies about me. She is saying and doing more and more things I don't feel is appropriate for her age(like talking about someone tickling her privates, trying to kiss for a long time on the mouth, ect) and I know shes not getting it here. It may be the adults at her fathers house showing harmless affection, but shes seeing it and trying to copy. OR it could be something else.

This is a reposted post but I deleted the old one.

WHY are YOU asking your daughter so many questions?

She is seeing a therapist, let the therapist ask her the questions. They are trained in how to phrase the questions, you are not. By your questioning your daughter, you are complicating things more than they already are, and you certainly are NOT helping your daughter. If she wants to talk about it, tell her that she needs to talk to the Dr before she talks to you about it.

It is obvious that someone is feeding her information, or she is being abused. A professional is the best way to get to the truth.

How much of this is involving your other post? https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?t=405030

 

[mommyof4]

I find it interesting that you didn't mention ANY of this in your original (LONG) post. It wasn't until after Silverplum mentioned how weak your claim of abuse is compared to "cigarettes-burned-into-genitals" that you brought up allegations of sexual abuse or accusations of planting the idea of sexual abuse.

I will tell you right now to STOP TALKING TO YOUR DAUGHTER ABOUT ANY OF THIS. IF what you suspect (Dad planting stories) is actually happening, you are only reinforcing the importance and attention she recieves by saying these things. If you truly feel that she is being molested, then you get her to the psych. for an evaluation. It may take more than one session.

If SHE brings it up, you tell her that you love her so much you are going to take her to a special person who can help her.

The absolute WORST THING you can do is continue to grill your child and mine her for details and more and more dirt on Dad.

I'm not kidding and I am not exaggerating. This is coming from a mother of a child who WAS molested by her father and long, drawn out dealings with CPS, pediatricians, psychologists, forensic exams, the police, and court.

 

[aliachase2007]

WHY are YOU asking your daughter so many questions?

She is seeing a therapist, let the therapist ask her the questions. They are trained in how to phrase the questions, you are not. By your questioning your daughter, you are complicating things more than they already are, and you certainly are NOT helping your daughter. If she wants to talk about it, tell her that she needs to talk to the Dr before she talks to you about it.

It is obvious that someone is feeding her information, or she is being abused. A professional is the best way to get to the truth.

How much of this is involving your other post? https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?t=405030

I dont interrogate her, I let her tell me what she feels comfortable with, if I see something is bothering her I stop and tell her when she calms down that she can talk to L (therapist) about it because she wants to help her and hear about her feelings. If I see her doing something thats odd, like putting her finger in her vagina I'm sorry, I'm going to ask questions. I dont ask things like "does your father do this" or things that are putting blame or words in her mouth because yes she is seeing a therapist and she needs to tell her those things. But I'd like to be able to ask my daughter questions. I definetly tell her when I see things are bothering her that she needs to tell her friend the Dr, because she is there to help her. I don't mean to complicate things for my daughter, but feel that she needs to feel comfortable talking to her mother. I write things down and tell her Dr and therapist.

 

[Gracie3787]

I dont interrogate her, I let her tell me what she feels comfortable with, if I see something is bothering her I stop and tell her when she calms down that she can talk to L (therapist) about it because she wants to help her and hear about her feelings. If I see her doing something thats odd, like putting her finger in her vagina I'm sorry, I'm going to ask questions. I dont ask things like "does your father do this" or things that are putting blame or words in her mouth because yes she is seeing a therapist and she needs to tell her those things. But I'd like to be able to ask my daughter questions. I definetly tell her when I see things are bothering her that she needs to tell her friend the Dr, because she is there to help her. I don't mean to complicate things for my daughter, but feel that she needs to feel comfortable talking to her mother. I write things down and tell her Dr and therapist.

Ask the therapist about when and if you should be questioning your daughter.

Your daughter is at the right age for learning about her own body, alot of children begin masturbating at that age. It is not always a sign of abuse. Don't get me wrong, your daughter might be being abused, but you shouldn't make any of it worse by questioning her. Let her therapist know about things first, then if the therapist says you should talk to her you'll know you're doing the right thing.

 

[aliachase2007]

I find it interesting that you didn't mention ANY of this in your original (LONG) post. It wasn't until after Silverplum mentioned how weak your claim of abuse is compared to "cigarettes-burned-into-genitals" that you brought up allegations of sexual abuse or accusations of planting the idea of sexual abuse.

I will tell you right now to STOP TALKING TO YOUR DAUGHTER ABOUT ANY OF THIS. IF what you suspect (Dad planting stories) is actually happening, you are only reinforcing the importance and attention she recieves by saying these things. If you truly feel that she is being molested, then you get her to the psych. for an evaluation. It may take more than one session.

If SHE brings it up, you tell her that you love her so much you are going to take her to a special person who can help her.

The absolute WORST THING you can do is continue to grill your child and mine her for details and more and more dirt on Dad.

I'm not kidding and I am not exaggerating. This is coming from a mother of a child who WAS molested by her father and long, drawn out dealings with CPS, pediatricians, psychologists, forensic exams, the police, and court.

I've mentioned sexual abuse numorous times in different posts. I had 3 different ones, and was told in my recent one by silverplum(i think) that I needed to combine them. Which was probably why things got left out since I ended up deleted 2 of them and combined them onto one. She has been going to the therapist for the past 2 weeks and is going to be going weekly. In my originaly one I did mention I thought he was planting images and thoughts of sexual abuse because of things our daughter said. CPS even believes he coached her the last time he called CPS on me.

I AM doing all I can. Its very stressful, especially since not only is he doing this to my daughter he's including my 5 yr old nephew in the "abuse" allegations and theres nothing anyone can do but wait.

I'm NOT grilling her, I don't understand why you think I am. Asking questions isn't grilling as long as you know when to stop and dont press. If she starts to act upset I stop and when she feels comfortable I listen, maybe ask a few questions. But I'd never grill her or put words in her mouth, as I know thats what happens at her fathers house.
I am so sorry your child had to go through that, as well as you and your family.

I tell her Dr L is her friend and is there to help her. She was trying to tell her father about her, and he got angry about it.

 

[aliachase2007]

Ask the therapist about when and if you should be questioning your daughter.

Your daughter is at the right age for learning about her own body, alot of children begin masturbating at that age. It is not always a sign of abuse. Don't get me wrong, your daughter might be being abused, but you shouldn't make any of it worse by questioning her. Let her therapist know about things first, then if the therapist says you should talk to her you'll know you're doing the right thing.

Thank you so much for not jumping on me. I will ask her about it on Monday when I call to verify her appointment.

Because of how she was doing it, the therapist believes she may have seen something inappropriate or someone has done something to her. She wants to continue her sessions with her weekly and see what she can find.