Help with 16 yr old sister

[kumari]

What is the name of your state? NJ
I didnt really know where else to turn so I am asking your advice. I have a very weird situation. My sister didnt want to live with my parents anymore (really bad home environment) when she was 11yrs old and decided to move in with me while i went to college (i was 19) Bad move on my part I know but I just wanted to give her a better life. I supported her with everything paying for private school when I was living in a bad neighborhood, food, rent, etc and received no child support from my parents since they said it was my choice to take her. I have been working and going to school full time so unfortunately I didnt spend alot of time with her. Somewhere I went wrong, since last year she has been very uncontrollable, coming home at 4 am, i found out she started smoking, doing marijuana, drinking, and now dating a 19 yr old. She brings guys home when she wants even though I try to establish rules, (grounding etc) I just feel that my hands are tied. I have been in contact with our parents, and they say to just kick her out. But I cant do that because I am worried of what will happen to her. I never got legal guardian of her, though she lives with me. What are my options? Am I held responsible for her if she commits a crime etc? She is also starting to become a truant and I am working with the school on this. It has been really hard for me I have tried talking to her, reasoning, telling her i love her, getting her counseling and I am just so fed up and confused. Any ideas and suggestions?

Thanks for your help!!!!!

 

[cmorris]

Take everything away from her: TV, music, computer, phone (including cell!), etc. Have a babysitter on call. When she doesn't want to go to school, she gets to stay home with a babysitter! Get a baby door alarm and put on her doors and windows. If she tries to sneak out, you will know about it (or the babysitter). If she goes out when she shouldn't, call the police. Report her bf (many possible charges!). There is lots to do. Let her know who is boss.

I'm sure others will chime in with other opinions.

Good luck to you

 

[BelizeBreeze]

Change the locks on your doors. You are not responsible and it's time she grew up.

OR

BRAZIL OPTION!!!

 

[RckyRose]

If you ground her and take things away its just going to piss her off and make her work harder to get what she wants. and that will be a pain in the ass. you should sit her down and explain to her how much its hurting you for her to do that and tell her if she doesn't get her act together you are going to have to send her back to her parents (and yes they have to take her back because no legal documents were signed). If you aproach her with anger then that is what you will get back.

 

[cmorris]

My advise is not cruel. It is called "logical consequences." Phones, TV's, music, etc are just luxeries. They are not needed. She should only get what is needed. She has to EARN things back. The way she is acting, she doesn't need to date either. When she behaves, she is REWARDED with luxeries. Now when this girl turns 18, she can do what she wants ON HER OWN. But not until then.

 

[cmorris]

Sorry! I misread it while in a hurry!

 

[LilMaSha08]

advice

everyone else on this board will say not to take my advice because of my having to show out to them. But as a teenager who grew up to fast myself, punishing her will only make it worse. I know that for a 100% fact. The more you tell a teenager especially a girl what they can or cannot will or will not do they will do worse and use all of their power to do that. Thats exactly how it was at home my parents told me not to do everything so I went out and did it including getting pregnant at 13 and havin him at 14. Just talk to her or try to and see if she has anything on her mind or it is borthering her. try to be a sister and not a parent. Punishing only makes it worse. I know that sending her off or telling her what she can and cannot do and what she will and will not do. If talking doesnt help let her find out the hard way or get one of her friends to talk to her, trust me she WILL straighten out.

 

[cmorris]

I disagree...

I'm 22 and if a 16 yo lived with me, they would NOT behave that way. There would only be the initial "discussion." Sounds like the OP has done that, as that is the obvious. NO teen would like my idea, but it will work! You can't sneak out with alarms all over the place. NO teen wants a babysitter, the police called, or possible charges against her bf. There are things called "tough love" and "logical consequences."

When teens act like this, they have been doing it for awhile. It slowly builds up b/c they have had no boundaries, little or no rules, etc. A parent/guardian(or someone acting in that capacity) has to take charge.

 

[thelizzy]

LilMaSha, NOT EVERY THREAD IS ABOUT YOU! So stop hijacking them! Get off the computer and go take care of your son.

 

[jpritchett81]

Change the locks on your doors. You are not responsible and it's time she grew up.

OR

BRAZIL OPTION!!!

Umm.....what's the BRAZIL option??