Help!

[Rochelle]

What is the name of your state? MS

If I don't get some advice I'm gonna pull my hair out!

My husband has an 8 year old daughter, I have a 19 year old daughter, and 13 & 10 year old sons. His child comes every other weekend and tuesday nights. He's always complaining that I don't spend enough time with her when she's with us. I like to remind him that HE got visitation not me. I do interact with her but I feel like he should plan things for just the two of them to do when she's with us. Not that I don't have anything to do with her; that's not what I am saying.

Here is the biggest problem: she's very aggressive. I don't allow my boys to say anything about her mother, even though her mother has said pretty ugly things to them when we've gone to her soccer games and stuff. Things like they're smelly little boys with smelly feet, stupid stuff like that. But last weekend when she was with us, my 10 year old was saying that he hoped I would take him to Toys R Us to get some sort of cards he's collecting, and she said "Why don't you get your daddy to do it? He's nothing but a drug user so get him to do it." My son wanted to punch her but I told her to go to her room for a minute and sent her dad in to talk to her. Then later my older son was saying that he wanted to go skateboarding with his friend and she told him "Good. Leave. I'm tired of looking at your ugly face."
Once again, I told her to go to her room and her dad went to talk to her. She punches them, kicks them, and constantly starts fights with them. I have always told them to never ever hit a girl, but I'm beginning to think they should smack her one good time.

Does anyone have any advice? I'm beginning to dread her visits now. She didn't use to behave this way. It's just started over the summer.

 

[nobodyimportant]

Sorry but for you to even think it is ok for older boys to hit a younger girl....that is just plain WRONG!

I personally think if this is an issue then you need to discuss it with your husband and if she misbehaves or says something inappropriate then it should be adressed as vice versa with your children if they do something.

I have children all from the same father and they can be mean to each other...and my youngest...the girl can be the meanest of all to her brothers at times. It is because she wants to play with them usually and feels left out. Children will show negative attention to other children too not just parents. She probably senses that you don't like her around.

Sounds like the adult needs to act like an adult. Having her spend all her visiting time with just her dad will only make her feel more separated and make things worse. She needs to feel part of your new family not more separated.

 

[stealth2]

You're in a tough position. I would *not* encourage your sons to get physical with her no matter what - they are 2-5 years older than she is and could hurt her seriously. I *would* encourage them to walk away and tell you or her father.

Both you and your husband have valid points, and I think it's possible to work with both of them. Dad *should* schedule one-on-one time with her (my kids really miss having time with their Dad now that he has step-kids - they never get to spend any time with just him). But perhaps you should as well. Not every time. But maybe every now and again, show her some special attention - maybe take her to lunch and a movie that she wants to see (and the boys don't). Or lunch and a little shopping. Maybe lunch and skating in the park. Make an effort to reach out to her. I'm getting the feeling that she may not get a lot of that from her own mom. Don't get me wrong - don't try to be her Mom. But maybe you could be a special ladyfriend to her. (and don't take her to get her hair cut mom will have a cow.) You've probably noticed the lunch is a common theme. Gives the two of you time to just sort of chat - not about anything important - but maybe to get to know each other a bit.

I'd be willing to bet that she's unsure of where she fits. Is she going to lose her Daddy? To you? To your boys? To me, her behavior stinks of insecurity - give her something to steady herself with.

 

[Rochelle]

No No No....I didn't say she spent ALL her time with just her dad. I said he needs to set up time with just the two of them to do things. You're reading into this things I didn't say. I think it's important that she have some one-on-one time with just her dad and not have to compete with the other kids for his attention.

And no, I didn't really mean I'd let my son hit her. That was tongue-in-cheek, but I guess it didn't read that way. Did you skip over the part where I said I told them to never ever hit a girl?

Secondly, as a stepmother, I have no rights to this child. Not to discipline or anything else. We've been married three years, this is not a "new" family. This behavior just started. I told her dad he should talk to her teacher and her mother. Maybe something is going on at her mom's or at school that we don't know about. In the meantime, there is chaos when she visits. She even stole some of my 19 year old's jewelry.

She seems very sorry when she gets caught, and she cries and apologizes. But in an hour she's in trouble again. My kids are losing patience with her and I'm afraid that this is going to turn into an ugly situation.

I've posted enough on here, that those who know me, know I've always tried to do the best thing but I have to keep in mind I don't want to do anything that make his ex wife start screaming we're going to court.

 

[nobodyimportant]

Sorry I misread, No I did see the the line where you taught that hitting was wrong but also the BUT following it.

I agree with momma_tiger because it does stink of insecurity. Maybe your husband should have a talk with her mom to find out if something is going on that you two haven't been made aware of.

I understand that you want to nip this in the bud before it gets worse, but still remember this is a child. Stealing jewelry from your 19 yr old...that would be a young little girl curious. I remember sneaking in and trying all my moms jewelry as a child.

Good luck

 

[stealth2]

I remember sneaking in and trying all my moms jewelry as a child.

I'm hoping that you're not a guy

 

[nobodyimportant]

Hahaha nope I am female

 

[Rochelle]

Thanks, I do appreciate the advice. I have tried to set up some things for just the little girl and myself. I even arranged gymnastic classes, and her dad and mom said ok, and I would pick her up and take her home. So, we paid the registration fee and the day before the first class, her mother calls and informs us she will not be taking classes as she had decided that it just wasn't the right time. Then I found out that SHE went and registered her and has started taking her. So I found out that the local self-defense instructor would let her take self-defense classes at the price he gives me as a police department employee. But her mom said no. I was trying not to cut into my husband's visitation time so that his ex wouldn't complain that he's not taking full advantage of it.

It's not that I don't care about the child...of course I do. But it's difficult when you know you have no rights and don't want to cause any problem. But maybe and hour or so during his weekend wouldn't be too much. I just know what we've been through in the past with her mom.

 

[lcollins]

I'm sorry, but you saying you have no rights to discipline this child is wrong. This is your home, and your family, you can't let a 10 year old walk all over you. You can discipline her, just don't use any punishment her mom or dad wouldn't use. No, you can't make decisions about her that would go against her mother and father, but you do have a right to decide what will go on in your home, and against your children. Yes, the father needs to address the recurring problem, and yes, he should bring it with the mother, and anyone else who has seen it. But, if you catch her doing wrong, you punish her, then let the father talk with her to find out why she feels she needs to act this way. She has to learn she can't push your buttons then cry on daddy's shoulder when he gets home. It takes both of you. Yes, mom may pitch a bitch, but I guarantee you that if she's remarried, or ever does get remarried, her husband will punish the child, and she won't say one word about it to him. Just because you're a stepmom doesn't mean you have to walk on eggshells with this child. She has to be taught right or wrong. Just make her feel loved and special. Plan one on one time with her, have her father do the same, and plan a full family night or something when she's over. Hopefully, she will stop acting out rather quickly.

 

[Rochelle]

lcollins, thank you and I know you're right. I don't mean to sound like I have no backbone. I can be tough here at the police department and I take no crap from anyone, but I let a little girl and her mother intimidate the hell out of me.

I have never ever laid a hand on her. Sending her to her room is the worst I've ever done.

 

[CMSC]

What is the name of your state? MS

She punches them, kicks them, and constantly starts fights with them. I have always told them to never ever hit a girl, but I'm beginning to think they should smack her one good time.

Well I don't care what anyone else thinks, I thought this comment was funny! oops my bad!

 

[Rochelle]

I'm thinking I wish I hadn't typed that, but I really meant it to come across a different way.

I was talking to our Court Administrator. She has a similar situation, except it's twin boys and she has a daughter. She said she's come to the conclusion she's either going to have to slip a drug in their juice or put some rum in her coffee to get through the weekends.

 

[lcollins]

Boy, I'm in a total different scenario - I sometimes keep exwife #3's daughter (my daughter's half sister), and mine is the one being awful! She loves to have her little sister over (mine is 4, hers is 1), but heaven forbid I pay any attention to the child, mine goes ballistic and starts telling me what not to do with her. Don't hold her, don't talk to her, You love me more, I'm cuter. She's not really mean about it, she just wants to be the only one to interact with her sister, no one else. Sometimes it's cute, sometimes it's a real pain in the ___.