How bad is it?

[StupidHurts]

I will try to be succinct, but this is a messed up story. This is a paraphrasing of my stupidity in this situation, but I am trying not to leave too many of my screw ups out.

~2004 Ex-Wife and I split.
We did not divorce because we were both broke. She went bankrupt and I lost house, and a bad country song ensued (truck stolen, car was t-boned, 3 of my grandparents died, almost lost my job, IRS garnished wages down to 300 a month, etc.). I had to see shrink and get anti-depressants so as to avoid eating a bullet. So much anxiety I was coughing up blood. Bad times.

~2006 She had a child during that split.
She showed me a picture of the father and she was excited to have a kid.

~2008 I moved to a state 1200 miles away to be closer to family and my future wife. (I am from Florida) Ex wife and I even said good bye, I waved to her son as I left.

~2009 Ex-wife and I get divorced - uncontested - finally. It says something about children during marriage, but she says - we're good, it's not yours and I wouldn't want you to have to pay for someone else's kid anyway.

~2012 She calls and says it was actually my child all along. Doesn't want anything from me, just wants him to know me. Taken aback, I get one of those online paternity tests - confirms her assertion. Wow. OK.

I met him a few times, but it is difficult to get to know a small child from 1200 miles away. She doesn't want anything, but lets us help with swimming lessons and whatnot. Otherwise, we just send Christmas and Birthday gifts.

She is remarried, has another kid with that guy, we all seem to get along ok in our long-distance whatever it is. Keeping us up to date on his grades and wellbeing.

~2017-Present She broaches the subject of having her new husband adopt him. Seems like the best option.

Calls a month or so ago, just making sure we're still onboard with it. He is doing well in school, really thinks of new husband as a dad (calls him dad and all that). We appreciate her even including us in that conversation, cause I didn't figure I had a say anyway.

Now the clincher. She texts the last couple days and I guess he has an eating disorder. They're going to have to come for child support.

Nothing I can really do about that, just kind of out of the blue.

My wife needs a kidney transplant (has had one prior (right when we met, ten years ago), and defeated cancer (2yrs ago)). We found a donor yesterday. We have to prove available funds, and that we can afford the meds (3K a month) after transplant or they simply won't give it to her (some, our insurance will pay). She may be out of work for a couple of months during that. Our septic is slow and needs to be replaced. We have 10K in termite damage that we just got the replacement windows to start the repairs. We just replaced our dilapidated cars ('99 with 330K and '96 with 250K miles) with newer used cars ('14 and '16).

I don't say all of that to complain about the child support. I'm just scared going forward. We were already cutting it close trying to keep life going. I just want to say that life is coming at us hard and I understand that life is coming at their family hard too.

Some online calculators say I'll be paying over 1000 dollars a month in child support. Some places say I'll be paying that plus back child support, which just makes me sick to my stomach with fear. I just see everything falling apart when it looked like we were just going to be killing it (cause we finally found a donor).

I'm not looking for anybody to tell me everything will be OK, cause I know that train has left the station. I'm just curious as to how bad it will be. I'm already trying to unload things, trying to figure out how to sell the house while getting the repairs done first, before my credit takes a hit.

I'd settle for any advice at all. I'll gladly accept any harsh criticism about the mess I am in that I made as well. Thank you for any time you dedicate to this.

 

[justalayman]

What state was the divorce done In?

What did the divorce say to children of the marriage?

 

[Zigner]

Based on the post, I think the OP and his (now ex-) wife lied on their divorce filing.

 

[justalayman]

Based on the post, I think the OP and his (now ex-) wife lied on their divorce filing.

Depending on how the divorce filing worded things, there may not have beeen any falsehoods if he believed the child to not be his. Different states have different rules and questions when filing for divorce.


Also., I’m wondering if his timeline states when the child was born or when he found out about it. 2 years after the split would make it unlikely to be his child, unless there were some unmentioned dalliances.

I also wonder if op actually saw the results Of the mail in dna test directly from that company.

In other words: is he positive it really is his child?


But I have to give props to a guy that can keep a car on the road for 330,000 miles. Thats a hell of an achievement.

 

[StupidHurts]

The divorce was in FL, child and Ex-wife in IL.

Sorry about the lack of clarity about the divorce filing, I wasn't trying to embellish or leave that out. Excuses and understanding aside, we lied on the divorce filing per any objective reasoning. At the time, when she sent the paperwork back, she said "children as a result of the marriage" or whatever the exact wording was, meant children we had together while married - and excuses and rationalizations followed. I didn't want to be responsible for a kid that wasn't mine and she was, ostensibly, getting support from whomever it was that was in the picture she showed me of the dad.

 

[StupidHurts]

The wording seemed confusing to me. It was easy to say, "this is what they're looking for," and this is some other guys kid. No point in confusing the issue.

One dalliance, of which I had completely forgotten about until it all came back up. There is more to that story, much of which I'm not proud of, and I thank God, good drugs, and shrinks for being here after all of that. If it is relevant, I can divulge, but we had sex, I fell asleep during that sex I was so out of it. I freaked the next day, said, "wow, neither of us can afford a child, can you get plan b or whatever it is called, just to be sure." "Yes, absolutely, I don't even know what we would do."

End of our dalliances, child came along, but she was active with someone else, was sure it was his. Her brother was curious years later and asked if I was sure. I asked her again, since we were on good terms. Showed me the picture and said the math didn't work out. I know she knew all along it was mine cause she told me, and another mutual friend, that kept it in confidence, confirmed.

 

[StupidHurts]

The paternity was sent directly to me, I saw them with my own eyes. I did not pay extra for the "trail of evidence" or whatever, but it was a legit firm.

 

[justalayman]

Well, bad news

In Florida it is a requirement you state whether there is a child born during the marriage or even if she is only pregnant regardless of who the father is or you believed him to be. Given you were clearly aware of that fact and both falsified it, you won’t get any sympathy from me or the courts.


I think you’re lucky the statute of limitations for debt has likely run or whomever paid the child’s birth expenses could seek repayment for at least half from you.


So, all you can do is wait to see if she actually filed for child support. You can either acquiesce to the paternity or require it be proven. Ultimately this is going to cost you.

And hope she was serious about the adoption.

 

[StupidHurts]

Well, bad news

In Florida it is a requirement you state whether there is a child born during the marriage or even if she is only pregnant regardless of who the father is or you believed him to be. Given you were clearly aware of that fact and both falsified it, you won’t get any sympathy from me or the courts.


I think you’re lucky the statute of limitations for debt has likely run or whomever paid the child’s birth expenses could seek repayment for at least half from you.


So, all you can do is wait to see if she actually filed for child support. You can either acquiesce to the paternity or require it be proven. Ultimately this is going to cost you.

And hope she was serious about the adoption.

I understand that I deserve no sympathy for any of it. Even my state at the start of this I only include because I couldn't keep my stuff together. Had I been smart and taking care of things, I never would have been with her again, I wouldn't have been where I was, etc... Just one long train wreck of bad decisions on my part and not being able to handle life. I thought life was too hard and didn't even have the guts to quit.

I think they were serious about the adoption, but I think that is off the table. I'm not sure what changed, but she has made it clear that support is her goal at this point. I know they recently started a business, so maybe that is it. I'll probably never know.

I should have jumped on all of this when I found out, but it seemed like another family, separated by years and miles, not "my child". Instead, I let it ride as this weird multi-family "friendship" and didn't think much of it.

Now the hammer has come down and this kid that I think I should feel some bond to, is dealing with stuff that I don't understand and don't know how to deal with. I've got kids in the neighborhood I know more about and share more of a bond with. Hopefully, whatever the courts decide will help him with that, or help them get him help for that.

Meanwhile, I've got life happening here too, which is no consolation to him or excuse. It doesn't change the fact that I've got to keep the boat floating long enough to do anything for anybody.

I'm not particularly happy about how other parties acted or whatever in all of this, but the responsibility lies on me. I'm just trying to get an idea of whether it is even surmountable.

 

[stealth2]

The paternity was sent directly to me, I saw them with my own eyes. I did not pay extra for the "trail of evidence" or whatever, but it was a legit firm.

Thing is, unless the DNA test was court-ordered, it may not be accepted by the court. You can acknowledge paternity, or you can ask for another paternity test to be ordered. Unless Mom had no other encounters at all, within the relevant time period, she could not know any better than you who Dad is. She may have had a feeling, but not definite knowledge.