How do I respond?

[Newlydivmomto4]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

I'm trying hard to stay positive in this situation, but our children and my ex are not making it easy. Evidently my ex has been talking bad about me to our children (this is according to my two oldest, which obviously I take with a grain of salt), and he is asking our younger two if they want to come to live with him. The oldest who is 11, and has ADHD and Anxiety (amongst other issues) is getting angry that his dad is trying to make him and his siblings choose between the two parents. I should say that they have a very negative history (the oldest and his dad), lets just say that without me, his dad would have been brought up on charges, and the last time I stepped between the two for my ex overdisciplining him, my ex went and filed for divorce the next day. When he filed for divorce, he gave me full legal and physical custody of the kids.
I realize that unless there is a change in circumstance, that there really isn't any way for him to get custody. So I told my oldest that he doesn't have to worry about going to live with his dad and that for him to go live with his dad, I would either have to: 1. Give their dad custody; 2. Have a major change in circumstance; or 3. Die; which I do not plan on doing any of. I think our oldest son's main concern is that he does not want his siblings to have to go through what he did and he is wanting to protect them.
Should I say something to my ex about what he is doing? The kids have gone through so much, in the past 3 months, we have moved out of the family home, changed schools (not a choice, the other school was a base school), and their dad got remarried (to their former nanny). They are doing pretty good except that their anger is getting worse (esp the oldest) towards their dad. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 

[CourtClerk]

Get the children into counseling. You say nothing. What do you think you're going to accomplish by saying anything?

 

[Newlydivmomto4]

Get the children into counseling. You say nothing. What do you think you're going to accomplish by saying anything?

What I want to accomplish is to try to save any relationship thats left with the oldest child. I was thinking that by telling him how angry the child is that maybe he would back off of asking them to come live with him.

 

[MichelleGilliam]

I have been in this situation with my own mother and father. My parents were divorced when I was seven and my two sisters were very young. I had to step in the protective role and all messages went through me. When I was in sixth grade my dad started the "come and live with me thing". He too gave my mom custody and did not want anything to do with us. Until he got remarried. He would bribe me to come and live with him and it worked. I went to live with him, my stepmother, stepsister, stepbrother and my new halfsister starting seventh grade. Needless to say he continued to say bad things about my mom and I tried to go back to my mom. He would not let me and when my sisters were older he did the same to them. Now as adults we do not have a relationship with our dad at all. He did this to us and it sounds like if you don't get counseling for your kids this could happen to them too. I would not say anything to him because he probally will not care about what you have to say. If he cared he would not do this to your kids at all. I hope that this helps you to make the right choice.

 

[CourtClerk]

What I want to accomplish is to try to save any relationship thats left with the oldest child. I was thinking that by telling him how angry the child is that maybe he would back off of asking them to come live with him.

And then he denies saying anything, secretly takes it out on the child, and you're back here crying because it's gotten worse. You cannot control/change an adult's behavior. Nothing you say is going to stop him from saying what he wants to say.... so you deal with it by teaching the children to deal with it.

Get the kids into counseling.

 

[CourtClerk]

I have been in this situation with my own mother and father. My parents were divorced when I was seven and my two sisters were very young. I had to step in the protective role and all messages went through me. When I was in sixth grade my dad started the "come and live with me thing". He too gave my mom custody and did not want anything to do with us. Until he got remarried. He would bribe me to come and live with him and it worked. I went to live with him, my stepmother, stepsister, stepbrother and my new halfsister starting seventh grade. Needless to say he continued to say bad things about my mom and I tried to go back to my mom. He would not let me and when my sisters were older he did the same to them. Now as adults we do not have a relationship with our dad at all. He did this to us and it sounds like if you don't get counseling for your kids this could happen to them too. I would not say anything to him because he probally will not care about what you have to say. If he cared he would not do this to your kids at all. I hope that this helps you to make the right choice.

You need a support group, not a legal forum.