Husband does not want to sign.

[AlmostThere]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

I am in the process of trying to divorce my husband of 20 months. We have no common children, have not commingled our assets or debts, kept our respective businesses separate.

We both have lawyers. I pay handsomely for my matrimonial lawyer. My husband is represented by his childhood friend, who is a general attorney and charges my husband little or nothing for his services.

He moved out of my house (purchased by me 5 years before the marriage) in March - and took one of my cars when he left. The car was leased during the marriage, solely in my name, and I paid the $2500 down payment. Due to the fact that he had not properly cared for the car and it had damage (dings, scraped fender, soiled upholstery, missing hubcap, etc), it made more sense to work with the leasing company to transfer the lease into his name and have him be responsible for the damages and any mileage overage at the lease end. The lease was transferred to his name and the car registered in his name in May.

We have nothing to fight over - we have agreed that each of us takes what we came in with plus anything each of us has purchased for our selves and and anything that was gifted to us. He is coming out of this with a far better balance sheet than when he came in, and I come out on the losing side.

When we got married I added him and his children to my medical insurance. My insurance is paid through my company (a corp) and it costs my company $835/month for his portion. My children are also on the policy, but that is not needed as their father covers them on his insurance through his employer at a low rate. Once divorced, I will drop to only coverage for myself.

Additionally, I pay $72/month (not through my company) for life insurance with him as beneficiary that my lawyer advises I cannot cancel until the divorce is final.

Everything had been agreed upon, and my lawyer sent the final agreement to my husband's lawyer to be signed by my husband, but he has refused to sign, unless I send him a couple of keys he things I have (I have sent any keys I have to the attorney,. and I don't have what he thinks I have ) and I agree to not file it until the end of October 2011, with his stated reason of staying on my insurance.

From what I understand, I cannot cancel my insurance until a judge signs off on the papers, and with the holidays coming up, that would likely not happen until December. That translates to my needing to insure him for the rest of the year - at a cost of more than $5400.

I have refused this, and we will likely end up in court. Will a judge consider his demands? Is there anything else that he can ask for that a judge might entertain for such a short term marriage?

Thank you in advance for your help.

 

[mistoffolees]

What does your attorney say?

 

[AlmostThere]

I have not asked my attorney yet- to keep a handle on my growing legal costs for what should have been a simple divorce, I don't like to ask questions of him before I am certain that I need that information. If/when my husband comes back saying he won't sign, it will be time to spend the money to ask my lawyer more questions.

Thus, I am asking the well seasoned members here their opinions. I've been reading on the Free Advice forums for more than 5 years, and do realize that the crystal ball was lost by the warranty repair shop years ago.

 

[xylene]

Divorce is not an agreement between parties in NY.

Your husband does not have to sign a thing for you to get divorced.

Divorce Resources

That website should explain many of of your issues.

 

[AlmostThere]

Divorce is not an agreement between parties in NY.

Your husband does not have to sign a thing for you to get divorced.

Divorce Resources

That website should explain many of of your issues.

Thank you xylene. I realize he does not have to agree.. that one can contest a divorce in NY, either passively or actively, and a judge will make his/her best decision as to division of assets/debts, children, etc.

And I am sure a judge will issue a divorce for us in this case - my questions are more along the lines of "Will the judge require me to keep him insured?" and "Will a judge see his request to stay married to stay insured as unreasonable?" and "Will a judge suggest we break down our assets/debts differently than we had done considering nothing was mingled at all?"

 

[mistoffolees]

Thank you xylene. I realize he does not have to agree.. that one can contest a divorce in NY, either passively or actively, and a judge will make his/her best decision as to division of assets/debts, children, etc.

And I am sure a judge will issue a divorce for us in this case - my questions are more along the lines of "Will the judge require me to keep him insured?" and "Will a judge see his request to stay married to stay insured as unreasonable?" and "Will a judge suggest we break down our assets/debts differently than we had done considering nothing was mingled at all?"

The judge is very unlikely to require that you keep him insured after divorce.

The judge will not tolerate unreasonable delays for ANY reason. OTOH, there are lots of ways to delay the process that the court HAS to allow. Whether he has good reasons for a delay will be up to the judge to determine.

If the judge has to decide, he will use the standard rule that each of you gets 50% of marital assets and 50% of marital debt. No one is going to be able to give you a better idea than that - except maybe your attorney.

 

[LdiJ]

The judge is very unlikely to require that you keep him insured after divorce.

The judge will not tolerate unreasonable delays for ANY reason. OTOH, there are lots of ways to delay the process that the court HAS to allow. Whether he has good reasons for a delay will be up to the judge to determine.

If the judge has to decide, he will use the standard rule that each of you gets 50% of marital assets and 50% of marital debt. No one is going to be able to give you a better idea than that - except maybe your attorney.

I will add however that I have seen one exception on the insurance issue. I have actually seen a couple of judges delay a divorce specifically because one of the parties had a serious medical issue that needed to be resolved, and the divorce would cause them to lose their insurance...and they couldn't get new insurance due to the pre-existing condition.

So, if the stbx has an underlying medical issue that needs to be resolved first (ie needs surgery etc.) then maybe perhaps the solution is to require the ex to reimburse her company for the cost of the insurance.

 

[AlmostThere]

I will add however that I have seen one exception on the insurance issue. I have actually seen a couple of judges delay a divorce specifically because one of the parties had a serious medical issue that needed to be resolved, and the divorce would cause them to lose their insurance...and they couldn't get new insurance due to the pre-existing condition.

So, if the stbx has an underlying medical issue that needs to be resolved first (ie needs surgery etc.) then maybe perhaps the solution is to require the ex to reimburse her company for the cost of the insurance.

STBX does have a serious medical condition- his thyroid was ablated during the marriage, and the preceding thyroid storms (thyroid toxicosis) caused a fair amount of damage. His health issues will not get better- he will be on certain medications forever. There is not a cure, just treatment.

However, STBX is capable of working and does work about 40 hours a week between a bunch of part time jobs. However, he refuses to consider looking for a full time job with benefits. He worked 30+ years in a field that collapsed over the past few years, and feels that his long time field owes him and he should not have to start over at the bottom in a different line of work. He also maintains a business that has been losing money for more than 2 years. And he refuses to collect child support on his youngest child who lives with him full time. He lives well beyond his means, but I am sure you don't want to hear the details.

From what I have read, he is eligible for Healthy NY once we are divorced, and it would cost him a fair bit less than my insurance. Healthy NY: Welcome to Healthy NY (Home Page - English)

As has been pointed out on this site many times, the law does not care how I *feel* about it - but it seems illogical that I should be asked to continue to provide insurance for him when he could provide insurance for himself for significantly less, if he was willing to change a few things in his life. Especially when I have to change things in my life to pay his insurance now.

 

[Bali Hai]

STBX does have a serious medical condition- his thyroid was ablated during the marriage, and the preceding thyroid storms (thyroid toxicosis) caused a fair amount of damage. His health issues will not get better- he will be on certain medications forever. There is not a cure, just treatment.

However, STBX is capable of working and does work about 40 hours a week between a bunch of part time jobs. However, he refuses to consider looking for a full time job with benefits. He worked 30+ years in a field that collapsed over the past few years, and feels that his long time field owes him and he should not have to start over at the bottom in a different line of work. He also maintains a business that has been losing money for more than 2 years. And he refuses to collect child support on his youngest child who lives with him full time. He lives well beyond his means, but I am sure you don't want to hear the details.

From what I have read, he is eligible for Healthy NY once we are divorced, and it would cost him a fair bit less than my insurance. Healthy NY: Welcome to Healthy NY (Home Page - English)

As has been pointed out on this site many times, the law does not care how I *feel* about it - but it seems illogical that I should be asked to continue to provide insurance for him when he could provide insurance for himself for significantly less, if he was willing to change a few things in his life. Especially when I have to change things in my life to pay his insurance now.

Well, I have to work years longer than planned to pay alimony because my ex won't work when fully capable. No sympathy for you. What goes around, comes around.

 

[AlmostThere]

Well, I have to work years longer than planned to pay alimony because my ex won't work when fully capable. No sympathy for you. What goes around, comes around.

Well, with that attitude, you will find few have any sympathy for you either. After all, you feel that what comes around goes around. You make it a habit to treat people badly then wonder why things didn't go your way in your divorce...

 

[stealth2]

Well, with that attitude, you will find few have any sympathy for you either. After all, you feel that what comes around goes around. You make it a habit to treat people badly then wonder why things didn't go your way in your divorce...

Bali may be a jerk, but he is OUR jerk. So mind your manners, newb.

 

[AL HR]

Health Insurance

You also need to consider what your health insurance plan states? Ask your HR group for the SPD (summary plan description)

In it, you will find the qualifying reasons for dropping coverage. If it is a 125 plan, you can only drop him either 1) when you are officially divorced or 2) the plan year ends, which is when open enrollment occurs.

If your company isn't under a 125 plan, then all bets are off as to when you can drop coverage.

 

[AlmostThere]

Bali may be a jerk, but he is OUR jerk. So mind your manners, newb.

Stealth2 - I really can't tell if you are truly being protective of Bali, or if you are being sarcastic, but I am going to guess you are being protective, and I am reacting to that.

Why should it be okay for a member, your jerk as you call him, to be abusive to people who come on for advice? I simply quoted his own ideas back to him, to show how his attitudes contribute to his misery.

If the cost of coming to this site is allowing others to abuse you.. then its not truly FREE ADVICE. I am not arguing with the advice given to me, I am not a third party, I am not lying, etc. I stood up for myself against a cyber bully.. yet I am being told by you to mind my manners and subordinate myself to his behavior.

What would have made you happy? If I quietly took what he doles out with a Yes sir, yes master? Or if I just stayed quiet? Or went away without every posting again?

And WHY would you think that is a good idea?

 

[Ohiogal]

Stealth2 - I really can't tell if you are truly being protective of Bali, or if you are being sarcastic, but I am going to guess you are being protective, and I am reacting to that.

Why should it be okay for a member, your jerk as you call him, to be abusive to people who come on for advice? I simply quoted his own ideas back to him, to show how his attitudes contribute to his misery.

If the cost of coming to this site is allowing others to abuse you.. then its not truly FREE ADVICE. I am not arguing with the advice given to me, I am not a third party, I am not lying, etc. I stood up for myself against a cyber bully.. yet I am being told by you to mind my manners and subordinate myself to his behavior.

What would have made you happy? If I quietly took what he doles out with a Yes sir, yes master? Or if I just stayed quiet? Or went away without every posting again?

And WHY would you think that is a good idea?

Actually he was not abusive. He said he didn't have sympathy for you. Truthfully, I don't have sympathy for you either. He didn't treat you badly even though you accused him of that.

 

[AlmostThere]

Actually he was not abusive. He said he didn't have sympathy for you. Truthfully, I don't have sympathy for you either. He didn't treat you badly even though you accused him of that.

By your definition of treating people badly, I did not treat him badly. He made an accusation that *deserve* to be treated that way - after all "No sympathy for you. What goes around, comes around." I threw the same barb back at him. He was defended, I was accused.

Note: I did not ask for sympathy - but probably a well written narrative would have earned it.

I have not asked for sympathy at all. I asked your (the collective of senior members who have years of experience in this manner) experience on how judges rule in these situations.

Its painfully (and financially) obvious to me that I should have integrated more protections for myself into this marriage than I did. Mind you, I did seek legal counsel and spoke to my accountant about how to protect myself and my assets before I got married. Still, I loved my husband dearly, and my moral compass combined with his illness prevented from minimizing the damages by reacting earlier.

Finally, when I realized he was using his illness as a crutch and an excuse for his poor decisions, I gave him an ultimatum. He could choose to change X,Y,Z, and work on our marriage, or he can continue to do those thing on his own. He decided he didn't want to change those things, and as everyone else saw- he can't make it on his own, and is trying to get me to subsidize his expenses.

I did not throw somebody unable to support himself into the streets - he has the means to support himself - but is making short sighted, terrible decisions. He wont' go for CS on his youngest or collect the mom's share of child care expenses. He won't modify his CS on his other children even though he is due a downward modification due to his (dramatic) loss of income. He wont' get rid of his business that is losing money. He he is working close to 20 hours a week on this business and instead of drawing an income he is subsidizing the business. He won't consider a full time job with benefits because it means he wont' be able spend 20 hours a week on this business. He now owes the federal and state government taxes - as he autonomously decided in 2010 to not withhold taxes, expecting me to be willing to file jointly and make up his short fall. His other job is with a small business that is failing and every year for the past 3 his hours and income have been cut. The owner told him about a year ago that it is only a matter of time until he has to close the doors, but my husband stubbornly refuses to read the writing on the wall and look for a new job now. And so on.

All of this said I did what I had to do to protect my children and myself. Funny how when people come to this board and fail to protect their families from financial ruin by a new spouse they are quickly told that are in that situation by choice. But when I did read your forum for years, and followed the advice to protect my family, I am still treated with disrespect.

Oh, surely you or somebody else will come back and tell me how if I don't like it, I can leave now. The legal advice given here seems to be good in general - too bad it has to be filtered out of much trash.