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I AM their mother.

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TaraKay

Active Member
What is the name of your state? I'm in New York.
My ex is in TN.

I came here cause we are seperating. I first moved to Arkansas 1.5 yrs ago. We had a verbal agreement to share custody and switch them every year. So we could each be in their lives and not be selfish. Unfortunately I could not establish my own place to live and was having a rough start from nothing, leaving him with the car, money, and kids. :cautious: He brought them to visit where i was during some holidays. I was able to have them at the beginning of school yr, in August of 2017. Was going great.

We both have new lovers. And both have babies on the way. When i had found out i was pregnant, my roommate kicked me out, and i had to return the girls to their dad in nov 2017. Cause I didn't have a suitable situation. He now finds me irresponsible and unfit. Has not let my girls see or talk to me.

I moved to NY in march 2018. Getting my life together so i can have my girls. He wont respond. Im worried he filed for abandonment. And i have no idea what to do. I'm very limited on resources. No car of my own, my boyfriend just started work, im due late june. I can't travel. Despite my limited income, im a great mom, active, compassionate, and caring. My girls are 4 and 6. My oldest hates me and my youngest wants her mommy back. I've tried my best, i dont hate him. I just want this to be fair. I dont want money. Just my babies. I dont even want my help with them. I just want them. I want them to be there for both their new siblings birth. I have no family. My girls are the ONLY blood i know. I would never take them from their other siblings. I Just want my time with them.
 

Just Blue

Senior Member
What is the name of your state? I'm in New York.
My ex is in TN.

I came here cause we are seperating. I first moved to Arkansas 1.5 yrs ago. We had a verbal agreement to share custody and switch them every year. So we could each be in their lives and not be selfish. Unfortunately I could not establish my own place to live and was having a rough start from nothing, leaving him with the car, money, and kids. :cautious: He brought them to visit where i was during some holidays. I was able to have them at the beginning of school yr, in August of 2017. Was going great.

We both have new lovers. And both have babies on the way. When i had found out i was pregnant, my roommate kicked me out, and i had to return the girls to their dad in nov 2017. Cause I didn't have a suitable situation. He now finds me irresponsible and unfit. Has not let my girls see or talk to me.

I moved to NY in march 2018. Getting my life together so i can have my girls. He wont respond. Im worried he filed for abandonment. And i have no idea what to do. I'm very limited on resources. No car of my own, my boyfriend just started work, im due late june. I can't travel. Despite my limited income, im a great mom, active, compassionate, and caring. My girls are 4 and 6. My oldest hates me and my youngest wants her mommy back. I've tried my best, i dont hate him. I just want this to be fair. I dont want money. Just my babies. I dont even want my help with them. I just want them. I want them to be there for both their new siblings birth. I have no family. My girls are the ONLY blood i know. I would never take them from their other siblings. I Just want my time with them.
Move to their city/town so you can have a relationship. Stop moving further away form them.
 

TaraKay

Active Member
Move to their city/town so you can have a relationship. Stop moving further away form them.
If I could, I most certainly would. But, I have no money for that. Its my ex's home state, his family harrasses me. No thank you. I'm just wondering what my chances are of actually getting custody of the kids I raised for 5.5 yrs out of the 6.5 yrs they've been alive.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Status quo will work against you in terms of custody. However, you could file with the courts (in TN) for parenting time with them. Some things that you should be aware of:

(a) Dad will likely turn around and file for child support
(b) You will NOT be swapping on a yearly basis - that is too disruptive to school-age children
(c) You will likely be responsible for transporting them for your parenting time, at the very least half, but quite likely all as you created the distance
(d) You should expect Dad to ask that you go through counseling w/at least your older daughter, before you have parenting time in your state.
 

commentator

Senior Member
What you are saying, "I'm a good mom!" and "I just WANT them!" are both all about you. From just the little bit you've told us, whether you are a good mom or not is somewhat questionable. You certainly do not sound like you've at any time put your girls needs anywhere above your own wants and what seemed easier at the time, not to mention reproducing with another new dad and giving yourself another huge responsibility when you aren't able to support that new child any more successfully than you have been supporting your other two children. They can very easily figure out what your priorities are.

If I were their father, I'd be frantic in my efforts trying to get them back with the parent who at least has car, money, place to live, you know, a few of the basics for successful parenting. You flew the coop because your ex's family was harassing you, possibly noticing what a poor parent you were, questioning that?

Any court in the land will see the custody thing this way. Your daughters need parents who can take care of them in all ways. They need someone who makes them a priority. Not someone who flew away on a whim, has just a new boyfriend with a baby due in June. And there's a very good possibility that this relationship won't be the replacement for a more successful life that you need to be working on to retain custody of your two older girls. If you want custody, get an attorney, which means, of course that you'd need to have this new baby, get a stable place to live, some form of supporting yourself and these children, and a way to show the courts you COULD be a good mother.
 

Maymee

Junior Member
Why is relocating to Tennessee impractical? You don't have to live in the same community, or even town/city, but you would be significantly closer to your children, which would allow you to re-establish yourself in their lives and have the possibility of a 50/50 schedule in the future. Right now, Tennessee, especially middle Tennessee, has one of the lowest cost of living in the nation, and work is plenty.

But if that truly isn't feasible...Tennessee doesn't have a long distance plan spelled out, but the average (Court ordered, not mediated agreements) is half of major holidays and a good portion of the summer. And, without extenuating circumstances, you'll be responsible for the cost of transportation because you created the distance.
 

TaraKay

Active Member
What you are saying, "I'm a good mom!" and "I just WANT them!" are both all about you. From just the little bit you've told us, whether you are a good mom or not is somewhat questionable. You certainly do not sound like you've at any time put your girls needs anywhere above your own wants and what seemed easier at the time, not to mention reproducing with another new dad and giving yourself another huge responsibility when you aren't able to support that new child any more successfully than you have been supporting your other two children. They can very easily figure out what your priorities are.

If I were their father, I'd be frantic in my efforts trying to get them back with the parent who at least has car, money, place to live, you know, a few of the basics for successful parenting. You flew the coop because your ex's family was harassing you, possibly noticing what a poor parent you were, questioning that?

Any court in the land will see the custody thing this way. Your daughters need parents who can take care of them in all ways. They need someone who makes them a priority. Not someone who flew away on a whim, has just a new boyfriend with a baby due in June. And there's a very good possibility that this relationship won't be the replacement for a more successful life that you need to be working on to retain custody of your two older girls. If you want custody, get an attorney, which means, of course that you'd need to have this new baby, get a stable place to live, some form of supporting yourself and these children, and a way to show the courts you COULD be a good mother.
I was trying to stick around and got robbed and couldn't pay for rent before finding a job. Ive always put my girls first witch is why i haven't brought them along with me to figure out my situation cuz i know their dad is more stable financially... We both agreed to separate, his family didnt start harassming me until the seperation cause his mom is affraif of being away from the girls. Ive only know my ex for 7 yrs. And he has been very selfish when it comes to giving me the attention i longed for, and showing no appreciattion. Ive known my boyfriend for 12 years and i know hes never cheated or done drugs. And my ex... Hes a good guy, kind of. He did have a Cocaine problem in 2014 for a short time and never cared when his co worker hit on me. I just slowly got really depressed and wasnt sure about us. But he has been a good dad. He has a kid on the way too. Its all very complicated. And i know Im guna have to prove myself to the courts... Ive only been trying to better my situation by moving. I wasnt sure on what to do. Ive never been through this situation in my life. And I stayed away from my own parents cause their addicts. Ive been doing it all on my own and its hard. But im slowly getting their. I hope to save and make it to TN within a year. Especially if fighting from NY is impossible. But i hate waiting even longer. My first Daughter isnt even biologically his....but i would never say he is not her dad. He is and always will be.
 

Just Blue

Senior Member
I was trying to stick around and got robbed and couldn't pay for rent before finding a job. Ive always put my girls first witch is why i haven't brought them along with me to figure out my situation cuz i know their dad is more stable financially... We both agreed to separate, his family didnt start harassming me until the seperation cause his mom is affraif of being away from the girls. Ive only know my ex for 7 yrs. And he has been very selfish when it comes to giving me the attention i longed for, and showing no appreciattion. Ive known my boyfriend for 12 years and i know hes never cheated or done drugs. And my ex... Hes a good guy, kind of. He did have a Cocaine problem in 2014 for a short time and never cared when his co worker hit on me. I just slowly got really depressed and wasnt sure about us. But he has been a good dad. He has a kid on the way too. Its all very complicated. And i know Im guna have to prove myself to the courts... Ive only been trying to better my situation by moving. I wasnt sure on what to do. Ive never been through this situation in my life. And I stayed away from my own parents cause their addicts. Ive been doing it all on my own and its hard. But im slowly getting their. I hope to save and make it to TN within a year. Especially if fighting from NY is impossible. But i hate waiting even longer. My first Daughter isnt even biologically his....but i would never say he is not her dad. He is and always will be.
Are you currently receiving mental help?
 

TaraKay

Active Member
Well thanks for the replys. I needed a more realistic veiw on what I'd be dealing with. My Boyfriends family tomd me the state of New York would make him return the kids and be in the favor of the mother. I really dislike when people think they know something they've never been through. I know my fight is going to be a long hard one. I keep taking advice from people and taking the opportunities they give me. Cause I haven't had much light at all down this dark tunnel. I never ever once thought he'd keep them from me like this. Or ever say im unfit. But now that im getting it together, finally. I'll save for my move. Moving back is just hard without a vehicle and money and job. My boyfriend is willing to help me. We just need to save and get better established. And im just so unsure of what to legitimately do.
 

TaraKay

Active Member
Does he know that? Does she? This could all blow up in your face...
We met when i was pregnant and he won me over with his nice churchy family. He biologically father believed i was cheating cuz he said he could never have kids... So i left cause I wasn't going to be called a liar or a cheater. And we just went separate ways.
 

CTU

Meddlesome Priestess
Well thanks for the replys. I needed a more realistic veiw on what I'd be dealing with. My Boyfriends family tomd me the state of New York would make him return the kids and be in the favor of the mother. I really dislike when people think they know something they've never been through. I know my fight is going to be a long hard one. I keep taking advice from people and taking the opportunities they give me. Cause I haven't had much light at all down this dark tunnel. I never ever once thought he'd keep them from me like this. Or ever say im unfit. But now that im getting it together, finally. I'll save for my move. Moving back is just hard without a vehicle and money and job. My boyfriend is willing to help me. We just need to save and get better established. And im just so unsure of what to legitimately do.
Stop listening to your family - they are flat out wrong, and are seriously doing you a disservice.

You need to establish an enforceable parenting plan, first and foremost.
 

Just Blue

Senior Member
Well thanks for the replys. I needed a more realistic veiw on what I'd be dealing with. My Boyfriends family tomd me the state of New York would make him return the kids and be in the favor of the mother. I really dislike when people think they know something they've never been through. I know my fight is going to be a long hard one. I keep taking advice from people and taking the opportunities they give me. Cause I haven't had much light at all down this dark tunnel. I never ever once thought he'd keep them from me like this. Or ever say im unfit. But now that im getting it together, finally. I'll save for my move. Moving back is just hard without a vehicle and money and job. My boyfriend is willing to help me. We just need to save and get better established. And im just so unsure of what to legitimately do.
Have your BF hire an attorney for you in TN. You will not get custody...but will likely get visitation. You will likely have to provide full cost of transportation as you created the distance.

BTW: Don't presume to "know" what the we have "been through".
 

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