I need help and don't know where to start (m)

[babysmom]

What is the name of your state? CA

I will try to sum this up quickly.

I had a baby 4/02, who is almost 2. I lived with his father from 5/01-6/03, but we were not married. Dad is an alcoholic, and physically abused me once when the baby was 4 months old. He puked in my car, and I pulled over and told him to get out and clean up, and he grabbed me by the hair, hit me twice in the head, and threatened to kill me. The 4month old baby was in the back seat. It took me almost a year to get out, and I am now on my own with the baby. We try to get along, but Dad is incompetent. He drinks mostly at night, 8-9 beers sometimes. He also has taken codeine pills (60 mg) and vicodin. I have found pot in his drawer, but he claims not to smoke it, but traded it for codeine pills. He is verbally abusive and manipulative. He uses the baby to manipulate me into doing things he wants me to do. He thinks we still have a relationship, even though I moved out almost a year ago. He has watched the baby for 5-6 hours at times during the day when I work (I am self employed) and I am constantly worried for his safety. Dad has not locked cupboards, moved cleaning supplies, etc. I caught him driving with baby not properly in his car seat (straps under arms) and the other day he had him 6 hours without a diaper change, out in the back yard alone with no coat or hat. Plus he allowed him into his mother's bathroom alone where the baby turned on the bidet, and dad only realized it when he heard running water. Dad also abuses cold meds, such as nyquil caps & theraflu. I am not sure how often or what he gets out of this. He is also harassing me to stop nursing, and is using child support (not giving any early if I am needing some) to try to get me to wean. He has also demanded to claim baby on his taxes, to which I said NO, and he said fine, he will deduct what he would have saved from my child support, and he thinks he is being nice by deducting $40 a month for 7 months instead of all at once. I could go on, but I think you get the picture. All my family is in New England, so I have no one in CA to help me. I get by and live in a nice apartment, but I struggle to make all my bills every month and am not sure where to turn for legal help. I have no savings. Dad also has had at least 3 DUIs in his past, and I am not sure if there are more, as he lied about them to begin with. Now he is pushing for overnight visits starting at age 2, and I am terrified for the safety of my son. I need to find out what my rights are. He did sign paternity papers and is on baby's birth certificate. He pays me $300 a month child support, as mutually agreed by us. I am afraid of him, and he shows poor judgement in childproofing and other safety issues. I am tired of him using the baby to manipulate me, and I want to do something about it and keep my son safe. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

What is the name of your state? CA

I will try to sum this up quickly.

I had a baby 4/02, who is almost 2. I lived with his father from 5/01-6/03, but we were not married. Dad is an alcoholic, and physically abused me once when the baby was 4 months old. He puked in my car, and I pulled over and told him to get out and clean up, and he grabbed me by the hair, hit me twice in the head, and threatened to kill me. The 4month old baby was in the back seat. It took me almost a year to get out, and I am now on my own with the baby. We try to get along, but Dad is incompetent. He drinks mostly at night, 8-9 beers sometimes. He also has taken codeine pills (60 mg) and vicodin. I have found pot in his drawer, but he claims not to smoke it, but traded it for codeine pills. He is verbally abusive and manipulative. He uses the baby to manipulate me into doing things he wants me to do. He thinks we still have a relationship, even though I moved out almost a year ago. He has watched the baby for 5-6 hours at times during the day when I work (I am self employed) and I am constantly worried for his safety. Dad has not locked cupboards, moved cleaning supplies, etc. I caught him driving with baby not properly in chis car seat (straps under arms) and the other day he had him 6 hours without a diaper change, out in the back yard alone with no coat or hat. Plus he allowed him into his mother's bathroom alone where the baby turned on the bidet, and dad only realized it when he heard running water. Dad also abuses cold meds, such as nyquil caps & theraflu. I am not sure how often or what he gets out of this. He is also harassing me to stop nursing, and is using child support (not giving any early if I am needing some) to try to get me to wean. He has also demanded to claim baby on his taxes, to which I said NO, and he said fine, he will deduct what he would have saved from my child support, and he thinks he is being nice by deducting $40 a month for 7 months instead of all at once. I could go on, but I think you get the picture. All my family is in New England, so I have no one in CA to help me. I get by and live in a nice apartment, but I struggle to make all my bills every month and am not sure where to turn for legal help. I have no savings. Dad also has had at least 3 DUIs in his past, and I am not sure if there are more, as he lied about them to begin with. Now he is pushing for overnight visits starting at age 2, and I am terrified for the safety of my son. I need to find out what my rights are. He did sign paternity papers and is on baby's birth certificate. He pays me $300 a month child support, as mutually agreed by us. I am afraid of him, and he shows poor judgement in childproofing and other safety issues. I am tired of him using the baby to manipulate me, and I want to do something about it and keep my son safe. Any advice would be appreciated.

===========================================


My response:

. . . and, of course, he wasn't like this when you lived with him, before the baby was born, right?

IAAL

 

[babysmom]

Of course he was, but I obviously was an idiot. If I had a brain, I would never have told him I was pregnant, and would have left him then. I'm 34 years old now, and I should have known better then, but I had the baby fever, as I was getting old. Sure, I thought maybe he would grow up with a baby coming, but as many other women before me, I was wrong and learned the hard way. Does this mean I am not entitled to try to make it right? I went for help getting out to the county, and my only option was go to a shelter. That was not an option, as I run my own computer business, and I actually take my son with me on jobs (and have since he was 6 weeks old). I could not support myself and run my business from a shelter, so I had to bust my butt to get out of that situation, and I managed to do it by myself. I am not poor white trash, a young teenager or a minority, so it seems there is no help for me. I came here for advice & direction, not to be bashed for making a mistake.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

My response:

You said, "Any advice would be appreciated" and "I came here for advice & direction" - - neither of which are specific questions. Look, we're not a Dear Abbey site, and we're not here to give you a soft pillow to lay your head on, or to give you a hug and kiss with a pat on the back, and a "there, there, everything's going to be okay." So, if that's what you're looking for, I would suggest that you go to DearAbbey.com.

This is a legal site; which means, you ask "specific" legal questions, and then, we answer them.

So, what "specifically" would you like us to assist you with? If you have specific questions, we would appreciate you stating them as 1, 2, 3, or A, B, C.

IAAL

 

[babysmom]

For starters:

1. How difficult is it going to be to get sole legal custody and allow him only supervised visits? (No overnights)

2. How can I get my hands on his criminal record?
At least 3 DUIs, probably 7+ years ago. He was on house arrest and lost his license for 3 years.

3. How does one prove substance abuse?

I am in Solano county, which is awful for public services, at least that has been my experience. My business is registered in Marin, so I am going to stop in at Bay Area Legal Services tomorrow and see what advice they have for me.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

For starters:

1. How difficult is it going to be to get sole legal custody and allow him only supervised visits? (No overnights)

MY RESPONSE: Sole custody is extremely difficult to obtain. California courts attempt to maintain the parent/child relationship on an equal footing between both parents. I would also need to know YOUR criminal history, if any; e.g., convictions, arrests - - number of the same, and the criminal convictions.



2. How can I get my hands on his criminal record?
At least 3 DUIs, probably 7+ years ago. He was on house arrest and lost his license for 3 years.

MY RESPONSE: Unless he's a serial rapist, it's highly doubtful that these problems will haunt him in court today; i.e., will not play a roll in his access to the child. The court is interested in recent criminality -- not something from 7 years ago. In terms of housing, job, profession, and criminality, what's he like TODAY, and within the past year?

3. How does one prove substance abuse?

MY RESPONSE: Very difficult. Without recent police arrest reports, or recent convictions, this won't even play a part in the court's decisions. Unless there's some "noticeable" danger to the child today, as seen through the eyes of the court's Guardian ad Litem assigned to the child, then the court can't even make him take a drug test.


I am in Solano county, which is awful for public services, at least that has been my experience. My business is registered in Marin, so I am going to stop in at Bay Area Legal Services tomorrow and see what advice they have for me.

MY RESPONSE: Good idea.


IAAL

 

[babysmom]

Thank you. It is as I suspected, which is why I haven't done anything until now. I also didn't want to get the State involved, as I was a ward of the State from the age of 7, and I know once the State is involved, there is no getting rid of them. I am just trying to do what is necessary to keep my son safe, as I do feel there is a real danger there.

I have no criminal history of any sort. I haven't even had a speeding ticket in about 17 years.

edited to add: I missed a question. Currently, the baby's father is unemployed, although he has about $30k in the stock market. He has been on UI since at least September. He lives on his brother's property, in a converted barn that periodically has mice and nasty bugs. There used to be mouse crap all over the place, and I told him it was unsanitary for a toddler. He also has mold on the wall in the living room from a very badly leaking roof. He didn't drink & drive for years after his last DUI, but now that the SR-22 is gone, he has been driving with one or two beers. He is a lightweight, and if he continues to do that, he WILL get caught again.

I do have tape of him from right before I moved out saying he wanted to kill me that one time he became abusive, among other things. I used to carry a digital recorder around. I'm sure it's not admissable, though.

Thank you again for your advice. I will see what answers I get tomorrow.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

Thank you. It is as I suspected, which is why I haven't done anything until now. I also didn't want to get the State involved, as I was a ward of the State from the age of 7, and I know once the State is involved, there is no getting rid of them. I am just trying to do what is necessary to keep my son safe, as I do feel there is a real danger there.

I have no criminal history of any sort. I haven't even had a speeding ticket in about 17 years.

edited to add: I missed a question. Currently, the baby's father is unemployed, although he has about $30k in the stock market. He has been on UI since at least September. He lives on his brother's property, in a converted barn that periodically has mice and nasty bugs. There used to be mouse crap all over the place, and I told him it was unsanitary for a toddler. He also has mold on the wall in the living room from a very badly leaking roof. He didn't drink & drive for years after his last DUI, but now that the SR-22 is gone, he has been driving with one or two beers. He is a lightweight, and if he continues to do that, he WILL get caught again.

Thank you again for your advice. I will see what answers I get tomorrow.

My response:

Like I told another writer today, "When you get into the system for divorce, child support, etc., you don't own your children. The State owns them. You only "rent" them from the State."

Just remember, when this does make it to court, the judge is also going to look at your "ability to make judgments". Remember, this is the guy you chose to make a baby with, and your excuses of being naive, or your biological clock was ticking away, aren't going to fly with a judge. You were 32 when you had the child. You were old enough to know better, and that's the way the judge is going to look at the situation. You know the old saying, "You made your bed, now you sleep in it."

Good luck, and let me know what Legal Aid has to say.

IAAL

 

[babysmom]

Don't I know it. I will let you know what happens tomorrow. I have been trying to make the best of a bad situation. My other thought was to try and let him have an overnight... my son would be so traumatized when he woke up to nurse and I wasn't there, that dad would probably call me at midnight to come get him, and that might be the end of it for a while.

Thanks again!

 

[nextwife]

First, don't presume nursing woman can't lhave their children stay elsewhere and don't set him up for failure. YOU picked this guy to be the father. You might as well het used to the idea and figure out how to live with it.

Remember, if you get baby fever again, there are other options than picking a loser to father your child. You can use an anonymous sperm donor. You can adopt as a single or foster to adopt. I know many woman who became moms using one of these options, If you don't want the dad in your life, don't make a baby with him.

As to nursing, I have friends that had to return to work and they shared caregiving with their spoises, who used pumoped breast milk. Children CAN be away from nursing moms successfully

 

[Becki C.]

i don't understand why you would leave the child alone with the bio dad to begin with if he was such a "loser" as you call him. You said he was awful before you got pregnant, yet you left him in "unsupervised" situations with your child and now you say you want sole custody, possibly supervised visits for bio dad, etc.

don't you think it will look strange to a judge that you let all that stuff happen ( i.e. 6 hours without a diaper change, no coat or hat ouside, etc.) by leaving you child alone with someone you clearly thought was unfit to begin with?

i'm not being judmental. i am just trying to picture you being in court giving a defense to leaving your child with bio dad when you knew what type of person he was. i would almost think that would make a judge wonder why you were complaining now when you already left him alone with the child previously.

good luck in your case. i hope legal aid can assist you.

 

[WTF??]

What the hell is wrong with you people??

You are morons. ANd don't take that lightly.

Who the hell do you people think you are with all your self rightous BS about YOU picked the Daddy?? Chances are likely that some of you have been in a situation where you needed some GOOD advice...I don't care if she asked for whatever comments. Where is the decensy here?

One thing I HATE HATE HATE about sites like this is the attitude you put off on people like this who have been in an abusive relationship, did the right thing and got the hell out and is trying to help her kid and his future. Do you seriously think that you are helping anyone with that attitude? Hell no, you are also trying to make her feel bad! WTF is that all about?

I don't think the importance should be placed on who she chose to have a relationship with. The important thing is the future of her child regarding this abusive man she had the relationship with.

What training do you all have in the first place? Any ethics? Any psychology? Sociology? Interpersonal Relationships? Counseling?? I seriously doubt it...because then you'd know the first rule is to not be disrepectful to a person who is asking for help.

How about some good legal advice instead of finger pointing? Isn't THAT what you're supposed to be doing?

Know what empathy means? Apparently not.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

Re: What the hell is wrong with you people??

You are morons. ANd don't take that lightly.

Who the hell do you people think you are with all your self rightous BS about YOU picked the Daddy?? Chances are likely that some of you have been in a situation where you needed some GOOD advice...I don't care if she asked for whatever comments. Where is the decensy here?

One thing I HATE HATE HATE about sites like this is the attitude you put off on people like this who have been in an abusive relationship, did the right thing and got the hell out and is trying to help her kid and his future. Do you seriously think that you are helping anyone with that attitude? Hell no, you are also trying to make her feel bad! WTF is that all about?

I don't think the importance should be placed on who she chose to have a relationship with. The important thing is the future of her child regarding this abusive man she had the relationship with.

What training do you all have in the first place? Any ethics? Any psychology? Sociology? Interpersonal Relationships? Counseling?? I seriously doubt it...because then you'd know the first rule is to not be disrepectful to a person who is asking for help.

How about some good legal advice instead of finger pointing? Isn't THAT what you're supposed to be doing?

Know what empathy means? Apparently not.

My response:

Looks like you're guilty of the same, exact thing. Moron.

You have a problem being here? I can take care of that REAL quick for you. Ask me.

IAAL

 

[blcknwht]

My advice would be that you need to get social services involved. If there is going to be a custody battle, the chances are that the judge will order a social services investigation into both homes anyway. From what I understand, judges follow the recommendations of the social worker most of the time. If his home is as you say it is then I cannot see the evaluation going in his favor. However, you asking for supervised visits is probably not even going to be considered unless your ex has a criminal history of some type of violence or neglect of children. The best you will probably get is the judge not allowing him to keep the child in his barn residence, but he could spend his overnights at someone else's home. Good luck...and this is only my opinion.

 

[AdoreUrPrincess]

Ok, so you made some bad choices. No biggie. Almost all of us on here did, otherwise we'd be on a family vacation instead of a legal help line! Your number one issue now is to rectify all the wrongs you can.
First, I'm no lawyer and I won't pretend to spout any legal advice. This is just my opinion and it probably doesn't count for much of anything... just so you know! I'm going through something similar, only my daughter has rarely seen her father in 8 years. Her father has some of the same issues: DUIs, massive drug problems, multiple psych evaluations stating he's hardly competent to care for himself...blah blah blah. The court won't give him visitation or joint custody, and I tried to let him visit out of the goodness of my heart, hoping that he would grow up. Never happened. I could go on and on.
My suggestions to you are as follows: DO NOT hand your child to this man for "babysitting" any longer. I know it's expensive as all get out to afford babysitting, but there are state agencies (at least in my state) to help with the costs. There is no reason to put your child in a bad situation out of convenience. Also, document, document, document. Anything he says to you, anything you don't like... anything at all. Doesn't mean it will do you any good, mind you, but it keeps in perspective all the reasons he makes you angry.
As for him holding money out of your child support... well frankly, you're lucky you're getting anything. There is no order, so he doesn't legally owe you anything. It sucks, I know. Morally he owes you, but we're not really talking about someone with high morals here, are we? On the same hand, however, you aren't legally obligated to allow him visitation. So if he's a danger to your child in your mind, don't allow it. He'll have to take you to court for legal visitation. That takes time and money....
Do be aware that taking him to court for child support means that most likely they will want to establish parenting time, as well. What bites you in the ass is that you've been allowing it, so you have to prove that he's an unfit parent to keep him from your child. Frankly, that's going to be tough.
What I think you need to do is really sit down, consider what it is you want from him, and weigh your options. You can also call your local Welfare Agency (or similar organization) and ask them about discounted or sliding-fee lawyers in your area. I doubt you want to play this game without counsel. The opinions on this site are one thing, but you don't want any of us to decide your future or your son's. In the meantime, feel free to vent all you like. Sometimes it just feels good to know someone's listening....