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I need some help please.....

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ShannonH

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

When I was a child around the age of 8 years old my step father molested me. This went on until I was about 10/11 mabey a little bit longer. I have never told anyone until now. I told my boyfriend of over 4 years and my step brother (who didnt seemed to be surpried by it). I was so ashamed and felt and still feel gross. I am now 23 years old and I dont know what my options are, as far as what I can do. My mother and him are still married and she has no idea of what has happened to me as a little girl. The main reason this has been bothering me more now then ever is because I am due to have a baby girl in January. I already have a 19 month old son, and I DO NOT want him near my kids. Please help me on what I can do this many years later!
 


JETX

Senior Member
The main reason this has been bothering me more now then ever is because I am due to have a baby girl in January. I already have a 19 month old son, and I DO NOT want him near my kids. Please help me on what I can do this many years later!
If that is the TRUE reason you are bringing this up, then the answer is simple. Make sure that he is NEVER around your children without supervision. If asked why, tell them.
 

ShannonH

Junior Member
Thats not the ONLY reason I am just bringing it up. Do you know how hard it is to even talk about this? I dont know what my options are as far as what I can do. Not only for my childrens sake but for mine.
 

TheGeekess

Keeper of the Kraken
Thats not the ONLY reason I am just bringing it up. Do you know how hard it is to even talk about this? I dont know what my options are as far as what I can do. Not only for my childrens sake but for mine.
Therapy. Find a therapist you can trust and talk to them, especially before this kicks you in the psychological butt.
 
Shannon, please allow me to share with you my personal experience.

I had learned later in years that one of my family members had sexually abused both of my sisters. After my first daughter was born, this same family member stated that after he moved to another state, my daughter would have to come spend a weekend or 2 with him and his new wife. My daughter was still 2 years old.

Without batting an eyelash, I told this family member that I had learned about what he had done to both of my sisters some years earlier, and that it wasn't even an option that my daughter would come to visit without either myself or my now ex-wife being there.

While it was one of the most difficult conversations I had ever had in my life, because of being brought up to respect my elders, it was one that had to be said, and said right then and there. I grew up to no longer appease other peoples' feelings when something needed to be said. I don't ever offer the "warm-fuzzy" anymore. I'm no longer interested in using diplomacy when it comes to talking to someone about something as horrible as that.

You now have a duty as a victim of your step-father to ensure that your he never sexually abuses another child, not just your own. To use the word "molest" is a minimization of what he has done to you. You have been sexually abused by him. To molest is to bother someone. I don't say this to try to further deepen any ill-feelings you surely have, but to bring to your attention that it is up to you now to tell him either face-to-face, or through a sibling, (you appear as though you still don't want your mother to know), that he will never be in the presence of any of your children without you there.

If he gets upset or angry about this decision of yours, tell him he should have never opened himself up to such scrutiny by abusing you.

DO NOT worry about whether or not you hurt his feelings. He obviously wasn't worried about yours when he was abusing you.

Please feel free to contact me should you want further assistance, as I can assure you, being a victim myself, this is one area I feel I have a PhD in. I've been to the University of Sexual Abuse.
 

FarmerJ

Senior Member
My sister went thru the same thing Re Our father, she stood her ground , he children would never spend a overnighter in grampas house ! of course he called her a liar and denys anything ever happened , my step mom who was not even around back then has taken his side, why shouldnt she, she has been married to him long enough that she wont mess up the comfortable retirement they planned out. So even if he denys doing any thing to you stand your ground.
 

ShannonH

Junior Member
Trust me, I am going to stand my grounds. I just don't know what my options are. Is it to late to go to the police and have anything done? I have a really bad feeling once my mother finds out she will take his side. And I know that is going to kill me. But I need to be strong. I am planning on getting a restraining order against him for me and my kids. The last 2 nights or so I have been having nightmares about it. I dont know how to tell anyone in my family. I told my step brother (his son) and he didnt put it past him, which scares me. I dont know how to tell my mom or my dad or the rest of my family. I dont know how to tell my step sister that just recently I have become very close with. If he did this to me has he done it to other little girls? My mom babysits kids. I have an appt this week to see a therpist that specializes in this. But I dont know if I can wait until Thursday.
 

ShannonH

Junior Member
update:

I just wanted to thank everyone for giving me advice. Yesterday I went to the State Police but found out that the statue of limitations ran out when I turned 23 which was a week and a half ago. I was expecting that to happen so I wasnt surprised when the Detective called me last night to tell me.

However even though nothing can be done as far as I go, I know if my step father has done this to me he has done it to other children as well. I talked to the Detective a little bit more this morning, and he advised me to go to Family Court and see if they can issue me a restraining order as I never want to see this man again. He is NEVER going to see my kids again even if I am present.

I am also going to talk with all the kids parents that my mother babysits. I feel it is the best interest if they know about this. They can decide from there on out what they want to do but they need to know. I am also going to talk with there firneds who have kids. The Detective told me that nothing can be done to him unless something has happened to another child and they come forward and there statue of limitaions hasnt run out yet.

I am still trying to figure out a way to tell my mother either today or tomorrow but she needs to know. I have a gut-renching feeling that she will stay with him and that is her choice but if that is the case then she will not be taking my children either. I do not want them around that monster.

Again I just wanted to thank everyone for there advice and support
 
I am still trying to figure out a way to tell my mother either today or tomorrow but she needs to know. I have a gut-renching feeling that she will stay with him and that is her choice but if that is the case then she will not be taking my children either.
Shannon, you may be surprised to learn that your mother really might not know a thing about any of this. When my mother learned of my sisters being abused, she was devastated, because she felt as though she let them down. She wasn't there to protect them as a mother should. She became angry because she was never told. She felt pushed aside because she wasn't given the chance to protect them.

You came on here and basically told the world. Telling your mother, while you will be telling her something terrible about the man she's married to, might get a little easier the more you talk about it. Do not be afraid to speak out. You will also find that it will help you as a survivor.

Do not be surprised if your mother stays with him. That really isn't as uncommon as it may seem. Tell your mother that she is always welcome in your home to visit the kids, (if this is your desire), but that your children will not be back in her home, as long as he is there.

You are 100% correct in giving warning to the other parents. The safety of the other children is obviously more important.

Do take care and be well. I wish you luck.
 

davidclifford

Junior Member
Do you still live in the same place with him? If I were you, I will move to other town and leave as far as I can from him to safe my children.
 

ShannonH

Junior Member
No, I havent lived home with them since 2003/04. I do however live only 10 or so minutes away. I am moving hopefully about an hour away if everything works out.

I told my mom the other night and she was devistated. At first she just kind of sat there saying nothing, but evenutally she came over and sat next to me. We sat there and cried together but I feel so much better now that I have told her. I havent heard from her since the other night, and I dont know what she is thinking. I also told her that my children are NOT to be around him. If she wanted to come here or take them to my Grandmothers or some where, where he will not be that is fine. But no matter what happens she needs to understand where I am coming from with this and I do not want him near my kids. After that was said she didnt say anything about it.

She told me she was going to get to the bottom of it. I also told her I had already talked with a couple State Police Detectives reguarding the situtation. She didnt seem surprised. I guess even though when she was here it felt like she believed me, that after she went home to confront him about it and now not hearing from her, that she doesnt. I dont know what he said to her. I dont know I guess I am just getting nervous.
 
First of all, good for you Shannon! You can begin to deal with it better now being able to talk openly with your Mom. Don't be surprised if Mom has questions like, "How come you never told me?" Things along that sort. As I mentioned earlier, she may have very deep feelings of anger and hurt because she wasn't given the opportunity to help you, her child. Just a heads-up that some of that might be coming.

As you said,
I told my mom the other night and she was devistated****************************.....We sat there and cried together**************......She told me she was going to get to the bottom of it.
Sounds to me like Mom really didn't know anything about it.

While you are one of the victims here, please try to keep in mind that Mom is also one of his victims. Sexual abuse hurts the entire family. Those that abuse do not have respect enough for others to see this. He did not respect you obviously, but at the same time, he had no respect for your mother. If he did, he would never have abused you.

I don't want to be accused of hijacking your thread. I'm just happy that you finally got the information to one of the people that needed it. If you care to converse more about this outside of your thread, send me a private message on here. I will respond.

I wish you well. Take care. ;)
 

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